[Ill.u.s.tration]
"I thanked the great Spaniard and said no more, pocketing the spoons with no little exultation, because, having always been a lover of the quaint and beautiful, I was glad to possess such treasures, though I must confess to some misgivings as to the possibility of their being unreal. Shortly after this episode I looked at my watch and discovered that it was getting well on towards eleven o"clock, and I sought out Hawley for the purpose of thanking him for a delightful evening and of taking my leave. I met him in the hall talking to Euripides on the subject of the amateur stage in the United States. What they said I did not stop to hear, but offering my hand to Hawley informed him of my intention to depart.
""Well, old chap," he said, affectionately, "I"m glad you came. It"s always a pleasure to see you, and I hope we may meet again some time soon." And then, catching sight of my bundle, he asked, "What have you there?"
"I informed him of the episode in the supper-room, and fancied I perceived a look of annoyance on his countenance.
""I didn"t want to take them, Hawley," I said; "but Ferdinand insisted."
""Oh, it"s all right!" returned Hawley. "Only I"m sorry! You"d better get along home with them as quickly as you can and say nothing; and, above all, don"t try to sell them."
""But why?" I asked. "I"d much prefer to leave them here if there is any question of the propriety of my--"
"Here," continued 5010, "Hawley seemed to grow impatient, for he stamped his foot angrily, and bade me go at once or there might be trouble. I proceeded to obey him, and left the house instanter, slamming the door somewhat angrily behind me. Hawley"s unceremonious way of speeding his parting guest did not seem to me to be exactly what I had a right to expect at the time. I see now what his object was, and acquit him of any intention to be rude, though I must say if I ever catch him again, I"ll wring an explanation from him for having introduced me into such bad company.
"As I walked down the steps," said 5010, "the chimes of the neighboring church were clanging out the hour of eleven. I stopped on the last step to look for a possible hansom-cab, when a portly gentleman accompanied by a lady started to mount the stoop. The man eyed me narrowly for a moment, and then, sending the lady up the steps, he turned to me and said,
""What are you doing here?"
""I"ve just left the club," I answered. "It"s all right. I was Hawley Hicks"s guest. Whose ghost are you?"
""What the deuce are you talking about?" he asked, rather gruffly, much to my surprise and discomfort.
""I tried to give you a civil answer to your question," I returned, indignantly.
""I guess you"re crazy--or a thief," he rejoined.
""See here, friend," I put in, rather impressively, "just remember one thing. You are talking to a gentleman, and I don"t take remarks of that sort from anybody, spook or otherwise. I don"t care if you are the ghost of the Emperor Nero, if you give me any more of your impudence I"ll dissipate you to the four quarters of the universe--see?"
"Then he grabbed me and shouted for the police, and I was painfully surprised to find that instead of coping with a mysterious being from another world, I had two hundred and ten pounds of flesh and blood to handle. The populace began to gather. The million and a half of small boys of whom I have already spoken--mostly street gamins, owing to the lateness of the hour--sprang up from all about us. Hansom-cab drivers, attracted by the noise of our altercation, drew up to the sidewalk to watch developments, and then, after the usual fifteen or twenty minutes, the blue-coat emissary of justice appeared.
""Phat"s dthis?" he asked.
""I have detected this man leaving my house in a suspicious manner," said my adversary. "I have reason to suspect him of thieving."
""_Your_ house!" I e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed, with fine scorn. "I"ve got you there; this is the house of the New York Branch of the Ghost Club. If you want it proved," I added, turning to the policeman, "ring the bell, and ask."
""Oi t"ink dthat"s a fair prophosition," observed the policeman. "Is the motion siconded?"
""Oh, come now!" cried my captor. "Stop this nonsense, or I"ll report you to the department. This is my house, and has been for twenty years. I want this man searched."
""Oi hov no warrant permithin" me to invistigate the contints ov dthe gintlemon"s clothes," returned the intelligent member of the force. "But av yez "ll take yer solemn alibi dthat yez hov rayson t" belave the gintlemon has worked ony habeas corpush business on yure propherty, oi"ll jug dthe blag-yard."
""I"ll be responsible," said the alleged owner of the house. "Take him to the station."
""I refuse to move," I said.
""Oi"ll not carry yez," said the policeman, "and oi"d advoise ye to furnish yure own locomotion. Av ye don"t, oi"ll use me club. Dthot"s th"
ounly waa yez "ll git dthe ambulanch."
""Oh, well, if you insist," I replied, "of course I"ll go. I have nothing to fear."
"You see," added 5010 to me, in parenthesis, "the thought suddenly flashed across my mind that if all was as my captor said, if the house was really his and not the Ghost Club"s, and if the whole thing was only my fancy, the spoons themselves would turn out to be entirely fanciful; so I was all right--or at least I thought I was. So we trotted along to the police station. On the way I told the policeman the whole story, which impressed him so that he crossed himself a half-dozen times, and uttered numerous ejaculatory prayers--"Maa dthe shaints presharve us," and "Hivin hov mershy," and others of a like import.
""Waz dthe ghosht ov Dan O"Connell dthere?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I shook hands with it."
""Let me shaak dthot hand," he said, his voice trembling with emotion, and then he whispered in my ear: "Oi belave yez to be innoshunt; but av yez ain"t, for the love of Dan, oi"ll let yez _esh_cape."
[Ill.u.s.tration]
""Thanks, old fellow," I replied. "But I am innocent of wrong-doing, as I can prove."
"Alas!" sighed the convict, "it was not to be so. When I arrived at the station-house, I was dumfounded to learn that the spoons were all too real. I told my story to the sergeant, and pointed to the monogram, "G.C.," on the spoons as evidence that my story was correct; but even that told against me, for the alleged owner"s initials were G.C.--his name I withhold--and the monogram only served to substantiate his claim to the spoons. Worst of all, he claimed that he had been robbed on several occasions before this, and by midnight I found myself locked up in a dirty cell to await trial.
"I got a lawyer, and, as I said before, even he declined to believe my story, and suggested the insanity dodge. Of course I wouldn"t agree to that. I tried to get him to subpoena Ferdinand and Isabella and Euripides and Hawley Hicks in my behalf, and all he"d do was to sit there and shake his head at me. Then I suggested going up to the Metropolitan Opera-house some fearful night as the clock struck twelve, and try to serve papers on Wagner"s spook--all of which he treated as unworthy of a moment"s consideration. Then I was tried, convicted, and sentenced to live in this beastly hole; but I have one strong hope to buoy me up, and if that is realized, I"ll be free to-morrow morning."
"What is that?" I asked.
"Why," he answered, with a sigh, as the bell rang summoning him to his supper--"why, the whole horrid business has been so weird and uncanny that I"m beginning to believe it"s all a dream. If it is, why, I"ll wake up, and find myself at home in bed; that"s all. I"ve clung to that hope for nearly a year now, but it"s getting weaker every minute."
"Yes, 5010," I answered, rising and shaking him by the hand in parting; "that"s a mighty forlorn hope, because I"m pretty wide awake myself at this moment, and can"t be a part of your dream. The great pity is you didn"t try the insanity dodge."
"Tut!" he answered. "That is the last resource of a weak mind."
A PSYCHICAL PRANK
I
Willis had met Miss Hollister but once, and that, for a certain purpose, was sufficient. He was smitten. She represented in every way his ideal, although until he had met her his ideal had been something radically different. She was not at all Junoesque, and the maiden of his dreams had been decidedly so. She had auburn hair, which hitherto Willis had detested. Indeed, if the same hirsute wealth had adorned some other woman"s head, Willis would have called it red. This shows how completely he was smitten. She changed his point of view entirely. She shattered his old ideal and set herself up in its stead, and she did most of it with a smile.
There was something, however, about Miss Hollister"s eyes that contributed to the smiting of Willis"s heart. They were great round l.u.s.trous...o...b.., and deep. So deep were they and so penetrating that Willis"s affections were away beyond their own depth the moment Miss Hollister"s eyes looked into his, and at the same time he had a dim and slightly uncomfortable notion that she could read every thought his mind held within its folds--or rather, that she could see how utterly devoid of thought that mind was upon this ecstatic occasion, for Willis"s brain was set all agog by the sensations of the moment.
"By Jove!" he said to himself afterwards--for Willis, wise man that he could be on occasions, was his own confidant, to the exclusion of all others--"by Jove! I believe she can peer into my very soul; and if she can, my hopes are blasted, for she must be able to see that a soul like mine is no more worthy to become the affinity of one like hers than a mountain rill can hope to rival the Amazon."
Nevertheless, Willis did hope.
"Something may turn up, and perhaps--perhaps I can devise some scheme by means of which my imperfections can be hidden from her. Maybe I can put stained gla.s.s over the windows of my soul, and keep her from looking through them at my shortcomings. Smoked gla.s.ses, perhaps--and why not? If smoked gla.s.ses can be used by mortals gazing at the sun, why may they not be used by me when gazing into those scarcely less glorious...o...b.. of hers?"
Alas for Willis! The fates were against him. A far-off tribe of fates were in league to blast his chances of success forever, and this was how it happened:
Willis had occasion one afternoon to come up town early. At the corner of Broadway and Astor Place he entered a Madison Avenue car, paid his fare, and sat down in one of the corner seats at the rear end of the car. His mind was, as usual, intent upon the glorious Miss Hollister. Surely no one who had once met her could do otherwise than think of her constantly, he reflected; and the reflection made him a bit jealous. What business had others to think of her? Impertinent, grovelling mortals! No man was good enough to do that--no, not even himself. But he could change. He could at least try to be worthy of thinking about her, and he knew of no other man who could. He"d like to catch any one else doing so little as mentioning her name!