"I have thought of it," returned the being, calmly. "But never went any further. Summer-hotel proprietors have always outbid the refrigerating people, and they in turn have been laid low by millionaires, who have hired me on occasion to freeze out people they didn"t like, but who have persisted in calling. I must confess, though, my dear Hiram, that you are not much warmer yourself--this greeting is hardly what I expected."
"Well, if you want to make me warmer," I retorted, hotly, "just keep on calling me Hiram. How the deuce did you know of that blot on my escutcheon, anyhow?" I added, for Hiram was one of the crimes of my family that I had tried to conceal, my parents having fastened the name of Hiram Spencer Carrington upon me at baptism for no reason other than that my rich bachelor uncle, who subsequently failed and became a charge upon me, was so named.
"I was standing at the door of the church when you were baptized,"
returned the visitor, "and as you were an interesting baby, I have kept an eye on you ever since. Of course I knew that you discarded Hiram as soon as you got old enough to put away childish things, and since the failure of your uncle I have been aware that you desired to be known as Spencer Carrington, but to me you are, always have been, and always will be, Hiram."
"Well, don"t give it away," I pleaded. "I hope to be famous some day, and if the American newspaper paragrapher ever got hold of the fact that once in my life I was Hiram, I"d have to Hiram to let me alone."
"That"s a bad joke, Hiram," said the visitor, "and for that reason I like it, though I don"t laugh. There is no danger of your becoming famous if you stick to humor of that sort."
"Well, I"d like to know," I put in, my anger returning--"I"d like to know who in Brindisi you are, what in Cairo you want, and what in the name of the seventeen hinges of the gates of Singapore you are doing here at this time of night?"
"When you were a baby, Hiram, you had blue eyes," said my visitor. "Bonny blue eyes, as the poet says."
"What of it?" I asked.
"This," replied my visitor. "If you have them now, you can very easily see what I am doing here. _I am sitting down and talking to you._"
"Oh, are you?" I said, with fine scorn. "I had not observed that. The fact is, my eyes were so weakened by the brilliance of that necktie of yours that I doubt I could see anything--not even one of my own jokes. It"s a scorcher, that tie of yours. In fact, I never saw anything so red in my life."
"I do not see why you complain of my tie," said the visitor. "Your own is just as bad."
"Blue is never so withering as red," I retorted, at the same time caressing the scarf I wore.
"Perhaps not--but--ah--if you will look in the gla.s.s, Hiram, you will observe that your point is not well taken," said my vis-a-vis, calmly.
I acted upon the suggestion, and looked upon my reflection in the gla.s.s, lighting a match to facilitate the operation. I was horrified to observe that my beautiful blue tie, of which I was so proud, had in some manner changed, and was now of the same aggressive hue as was that of my visitor, red even as a brick is red. To grasp it firmly in my hands and tear it from my neck was the work of a moment, and then in a spirit of rage I turned upon my companion.
"See here," I cried, "I"ve had quite enough of you. I can"t make you out, and I can"t say that I want to. You know where the door is--you will oblige me by putting it to its proper use."
[Ill.u.s.tration]
"Sit down, Hiram," said he, "and don"t be foolish and ungrateful. You are behaving in a most extraordinary fashion, destroying your clothing and acting like a madman generally. What was the use of ripping up a handsome tie like that?"
"I despise loud hues. Red is a jockey"s color," I answered.
"But you did not destroy the red tie," said he, with a smile. "You tore up your blue one--look. There it is on the floor. The red one you still have on."
Investigation showed the truth of my visitor"s a.s.sertion. That flaunting streamer of anarchy still made my neck infamous, and before me on the floor, an almost unrecognizable ma.s.s of shreds, lay my cherished cerulean tie. The revelation stunned me; tears came into my eyes, and trickling down over my cheeks, fairly hissed with the feverish heat of my flesh. My muscles relaxed, and I fell limp into my chair.
"You need stimulant," said my visitor, kindly. "Go take a drop of your Old Reserve, and then come back here to me. I"ve something to say to you."
"Will you join me?" I asked, faintly.
"No," returned the visitor. "I am so fond of whiskey that I never molest it. That act which is your stimulant is death to the rye. Never realized that, did you?"
"No, I never did," I said, meekly.
"And yet you claim to love it. Bah!" he said.
And then I obeyed his command, drained my gla.s.s to the dregs, and returned. "What is your mission?" I asked, when I had made myself as comfortable as was possible under the circ.u.mstances.
"To relieve you of your woes," he said.
"You are a h.o.m.oeopath, I observe," said I, with a sneer. "You are a h.o.m.oeopath in theory and an allopath in practice."
"I am not usually unintelligent," said he. "I fail to comprehend your meaning. Perhaps you express yourself badly."
"I wish you"d express yourself for Zulu-land," I retorted, hotly. "What I mean is, you believe in the _similia similibus_ business, but you prescribe large doses. I don"t believe troubles like mine can be cured on your plan. A man can"t get rid of his stock by adding to it."
[Ill.u.s.tration]
"Ah, I see. You think I have added to your troubles?"
"I don"t think so," I answered, with a fond glance at my ruined tie. "I know so."
"Well, wait until I have laid my plan before you, and see if you won"t change your mind," said my visitor, significantly.
"All right," I said. "Proceed. Only hurry. I go to bed early, as a rule, and it"s getting quite early now."
"It"s only one o"clock," said the visitor, ignoring the sarcasm. "But I will hasten, as I"ve several other calls to make before breakfast."
"Are you a milkman?" I asked.
"You are flippant," he replied. "But, Hiram," he added, "I have come here to aid you in spite of your unworthiness. You want to know what to provide for your club night on the 15th. You want something that will knock the "Martyr"s Night" silly."
"Not exactly that," I replied, "I don"t want anything so abominably good as to make all the other things I have done seem failures. That is not good business."
"Would you like to be hailed as the discoverer of genius? Would you like to be the responsible agent for the greatest exhibition of skill in a certain direction ever seen? Would you like to become the most famous _impresario_ the world has ever known?"
"Now," I said, forgetting my dignity under the enthusiasm with which I was inspired by my visitor"s words, and infected more or less with his undoubtedly magnet.i.te spirit--"now you"re shouting."
"I thought so, Hiram. I thought so, and that"s why I am here. I saw you on Wall Street to-day, and read your difficulty at once in your eyes, and I resolved to help you. I am a magician, and one or two little things have happened of late to make me wish to prestidigitate in public. I knew you were after a show of some kind, and I"ve come to offer you my services."
"Oh, pshaw!" I said. "The members of the Gutenberg Club are men of brains--not children. Card tricks are hackneyed, and sleight-of-hand shows pall."
[Ill.u.s.tration]
"Do they, indeed?" said the visitor. "Well, mine won"t. If you don"t believe it, I"ll prove to you what I can do."
"I have no paraphernalia," I said.
"Well, I have," said he, and as he spoke, a pack of cards seemed to grow out of my hands. I must have turned pale at this unexpected happening, for my visitor smiled, and said:
"Don"t be frightened. That"s only one of my tricks. Now choose a card," he added, "and when you have done so, toss the pack in the air. Don"t tell me what the card is; it alone will fall to the floor."
"Nonsense!" said I. "It"s impossible."
"Do as I tell you."