"Ah--I understand."
"If we go to Sherry"s, and Mrs. Shiffney speaks about coming to a rehearsal, what do you mean to do?"
"What do you think about it?"
"Of course she only wants to come in the hope of being able to carry a bad report to the Senniers."
Claude was silent for a moment. Then he said:
"That may be. But--we are in the arena."
"What is it?"
"You dislike Mrs. Shiffney, you distrust her, but you do think she has taste, judgment, don"t you?"
"Yes--some."
"A great deal?"
"When she isn"t biased by personal feeling. But she is biased against you."
Claude"s eyes had become piercing.
"I think," he said, "that if I were with Mrs. Shiffney at a rehearsal I should divine her real, her honest opinion, the opinion one has of a thing whether one wishes to have it or not. If _she_ were to admire the opera--" He paused. His face looked self-conscious.
"Yes?"
"I only mean that I think it might be the verdict in advance."
"I see," she said slowly. "Yes, I see."
She got up.
"We simply must go to bed."
"Come along then. But I feel as if I should never want to sleep again."
"We must sleep. The verdict in advance--yes, I see. But Adelaide might make a mistake."
"She really has a flair."
"I know. Oh, Claudie, the verdict!"
They were now in their bedroom. Charmian sighed and put her arms round his neck.
"The verdict!" she breathed against his cheek softly.
He felt moisture on his cheek. She had pressed wet eyes against it.
"Charmian, what is it? Why--"
"Hush! Just put your arms round me for a minute--yes, like that!
Claudie, I want you to win, I want you to win. Oh, not altogether selfishly! I--I am an egoist, I suppose. I do care for my husband to be a success. But there"s more than that. Yes, yes, there is!"
She held him, with pa.s.sion, and suddenly kissed his eyes. She was crying quite openly now, but not unhappily.
[Ill.u.s.tration: ""CLAUDIE, I WANT YOU TO WIN, I WANT YOU TO WIN!""--_Page 378_]
"There"s something in you far, far down, that I love," she whispered. "I am not always conscious of it, but I am now. It called me to you, I believe, at the very first. And I want that to win, I want that to win!"
Claude"s face had become set. He bent over Charmian. For a moment he was on the verge of a strange confession. But something that still had great power held him back from it. And he only said:
"You have worked hard for me. If we do win it will be your victory."
"And if we lose?" she whispered.
"Charmian--" he kissed her. "We must try to sleep."
CHAPTER x.x.xI
On a night of unnatural excitement Claude had come to a crude resolution. He kept to it, at first only by a strong effort, during the days and the nights which followed, calling upon his will with a recklessness he had never known before, a recklessness which made him sometimes feel hard and almost brutal. He was "out for" success on the large scale, and he was now fiercely determined to win it. Within him the real man seemed to recede like a thing sensitive seeking a hiding-place. Sometimes, during these strange and crowded days and nights, he felt as if he were losing himself in the turmoil around him and within him. And the wish came to him to lose himself, and to have done for ever with that self which once he had cherished, but which was surely of no use, of no value at all, in the violent bl.u.s.tering world.
Now and then he saw the pale shining of the lamp in the quiet studio, where he had dwelt with the dear children of his imagination; now and then he listened, and seemed to hear the silence there. Then the crowd closed about him, the noises of life rushed upon him, and the Claude Heath of those far-off days seemed to pa.s.s by him fantastically on the way to eternal darkness. And, using his will with fury, he cried out to the fugitive, "Go! Go!" as to something shameful that must not be seen.
Always he was suffering, as a man only suffers when he tries to do violence to himself, when he treats himself as an enemy. But when he had time he strove to sneer at his own suffering. Coolness, hardness, audacity, these were the qualities needed in life as he knew it now; swiftness not sensitiveness, boldness not delicacy. The world was not gentle enough for the trembling qualities which vibrate at every touch of emotion, giving out subtle music. And he would nevermore wish it gentle. Things as they are! Fall down and worship them! Accommodate yourself to them lest you be the last of fools!
Claude acted, and carried on by excitement, he acted well. He was helped by his natural inclination to meet people half-way when he had to meet them. And he was helped, too, by the cordiality, the quickness of response, in those about him. Charmian did her part with an energy and brilliance to which the apparent change in him gave an impetus. Hitherto she had tried to excite in Claude the worldly qualities which she supposed to make for success. Now Claude excited them in her. His vivacity, his intensity, his power to do varied work, and especially the dominating faculty which he now began to display, sometimes almost amazed her. She said to herself, "I have never known him till now!" She said to Alston Lake, "Isn"t it extraordinary how Claude is coming out?"
And she began to look up to him in a new way, but with the worldly eyes, not with the mild or the pa.s.sionate eyes of the spirit.
Others, too, were impressed by the change in Claude. After the luncheon at Sherry"s Mrs. Shiffney said, with a sort of reluctance, to Charmian:
"The air of America seems to agree with your composer. Has he been on Riverside Drive getting rid of the last traces of the Puritan tradition?
Or is it the theater which has stirred him up? He"s a new man."
"There"s a good deal more in Claude than people were inclined to suppose in London," said Charmian, trying to speak with light indifference, but secretly triumphing.
"Evidently!" said Mrs. Shiffney. "Perhaps, now that you"ve forced him to come out into the open, he enjoys being a storm-center, as they call it out here."
"Oh, but I didn"t force him!"
"Playfully begged him not to come, I meant."
Claude was sitting a little way off talking to Susan Fleet. Mrs.
Shiffney had "managed" this. She wanted to feel how things were through the woman. Then perhaps she would tackle the man. At lunch it had seemed to her as if success were in the air. Had she always been mistaken in her judgment of Claude Heath! Had Charmian seen more clearly and farther than she had? She felt more interested in Charmian than she had ever felt before, and disliked her, in consequence, much more than formerly.
How Charmian would triumph if the Heath opera were a success! How unbearable she would be! In fancy Mrs. Shiffney saw Charmian enthroned, and "giving herself" a thousand airs. Mrs. Shiffney had never forgiven Charmian for taking possession of Claude. She did not hate her for that.