MRS. FAIN. Nay, nay, put not on that strange face. I am privy to the whole design, and know that Waitwell, to whom thou wert this morning married, is to personate Mirabell"s uncle, and, as such winning my lady, to involve her in those difficulties from which Mirabell only must release her, by his making his conditions to have my cousin and her fortune left to her own disposal.
FOIB. O dear madam, I beg your pardon. It was not my confidence in your ladyship that was deficient; but I thought the former good correspondence between your ladyship and Mr. Mirabell might have hindered his communicating this secret.
MRS. FAIN. Dear Foible, forget that.
FOIB. O dear madam, Mr. Mirabell is such a sweet winning gentleman.
But your ladyship is the pattern of generosity. Sweet lady, to be so good! Mr. Mirabell cannot choose but be grateful. I find your ladyship has his heart still. Now, madam, I can safely tell your ladyship our success: Mrs. Marwood had told my lady, but I warrant I managed myself. I turned it all for the better. I told my lady that Mr. Mirabell railed at her. I laid horrid things to his charge, I"ll vow; and my lady is so incensed that she"ll be contracted to Sir Rowland to-night, she says; I warrant I worked her up that he may have her for asking for, as they say of a Welsh maidenhead.
MRS. FAIN. O rare Foible!
FOIB. Madam, I beg your ladyship to acquaint Mr. Mirabell of his success. I would be seen as little as possible to speak to him-- besides, I believe Madam Marwood watches me. She has a month"s mind; but I know Mr. Mirabell can"t abide her. [Calls.] John, remove my lady"s toilet. Madam, your servant. My lady is so impatient, I fear she"ll come for me, if I stay.
MRS. FAIN. I"ll go with you up the back stairs, lest I should meet her.
SCENE VII.
MRS. MARWOOD alone.
MRS. MAR. Indeed, Mrs. Engine, is it thus with you? Are you become a go-between of this importance? Yes, I shall watch you. Why this wench is the Pa.s.sE-PARTOUT, a very master-key to everybody"s strong box. My friend Fainall, have you carried it so swimmingly? I thought there was something in it; but it seems it"s over with you.
Your loathing is not from a want of appet.i.te then, but from a surfeit. Else you could never be so cool to fall from a princ.i.p.al to be an a.s.sistant, to procure for him! A pattern of generosity, that I confess. Well, Mr. Fainall, you have met with your match.--O man, man! Woman, woman! The devil"s an a.s.s: if I were a painter, I would draw him like an idiot, a driveller with a bib and bells.
Man should have his head and horns, and woman the rest of him.
Poor, simple fiend! "Madam Marwood has a month"s mind, but he can"t abide her." "Twere better for him you had not been his confessor in that affair, without you could have kept his counsel closer. I shall not prove another pattern of generosity; he has not obliged me to that with those excesses of himself, and now I"ll have none of him. Here comes the good lady, panting ripe, with a heart full of hope, and a head full of care, like any chymist upon the day of projection.
SCENE VIII.
[To her] LADY WISHFORT.
LADY. O dear Marwood, what shall I say for this rude forgetfulness?
But my dear friend is all goodness.
MRS. MAR. No apologies, dear madam. I have been very well entertained.
LADY. As I"m a person, I am in a very chaos to think I should so forget myself. But I have such an olio of affairs, really I know not what to do. [Calls.] Foible!--I expect my nephew Sir Wilfull ev"ry moment too.--Why, Foible!--He means to travel for improvement.
MRS. MAR. Methinks Sir Wilfull should rather think of marrying than travelling at his years. I hear he is turned of forty.
LADY. Oh, he"s in less danger of being spoiled by his travels. I am against my nephew"s marrying too young. It will be time enough when he comes back, and has acquired discretion to choose for himself.
MRS. MAR. Methinks Mrs. Millamant and he would make a very fit match. He may travel afterwards. "Tis a thing very usual with young gentlemen.
LADY. I promise you I have thought on"t--and since "tis your judgment, I"ll think on"t again. I a.s.sure you I will; I value your judgment extremely. On my word, I"ll propose it.
SCENE IX.
[To them] FOIBLE.
LADY. Come, come, Foible--I had forgot my nephew will be here before dinner--I must make haste.
FOIB. Mr. Witwoud and Mr. Petulant are come to dine with your ladyship.
LADY. Oh dear, I can"t appear till I am dressed. Dear Marwood, shall I be free with you again, and beg you to entertain em? I"ll make all imaginable haste. Dear friend, excuse me.
SCENE X.
MRS. MARWOOD, MRS. MILLAMANT, MINCING.
MILLA. Sure, never anything was so unbred as that odious man.
Marwood, your servant.
MRS. MAR. You have a colour; what"s the matter?
MILLA. That horrid fellow Petulant has provoked me into a flame--I have broke my fan--Mincing, lend me yours.--Is not all the powder out of my hair?
MRS. MAR. No. What has he done?
MILLA. Nay, he has done nothing; he has only talked. Nay, he has said nothing neither; but he has contradicted everything that has been said. For my part, I thought Witwoud and he would have quarrelled.
MINC. I vow, mem, I thought once they would have fit.
MILLA. Well, "tis a lamentable thing, I swear, that one has not the liberty of choosing one"s acquaintance as one does one"s clothes.
MRS. MAR. If we had that liberty, we should be as weary of one set of acquaintance, though never so good, as we are of one suit, though never so fine. A fool and a doily stuff would now and then find days of grace, and be worn for variety.
MILLA. I could consent to wear "em, if they would wear alike; but fools never wear out. They are such DRAP DE BERRI things! Without one could give "em to one"s chambermaid after a day or two.
MRS. MAR. "Twere better so indeed. Or what think you of the playhouse? A fine gay glossy fool should be given there, like a new masking habit, after the masquerade is over, and we have done with the disguise. For a fool"s visit is always a disguise, and never admitted by a woman of wit, but to blind her affair with a lover of sense. If you would but appear barefaced now, and own Mirabell, you might as easily put off Petulant and Witwoud as your hood and scarf.
And indeed "tis time, for the town has found it, the secret is grown too big for the pretence. "Tis like Mrs. Primly"s great belly: she may lace it down before, but it burnishes on her hips. Indeed, Millamant, you can no more conceal it than my Lady Strammel can her face, that goodly face, which in defiance of her Rhenish-wine tea will not be comprehended in a mask.
MILLA. I"ll take my death, Marwood, you are more censorious than a decayed beauty, or a discarded toast:- Mincing, tell the men they may come up. My aunt is not dressing here; their folly is less provoking than your malice.
SCENE XI.
MRS. MILLAMANT, MRS. MARWOOD.
MILLA. The town has found it? What has it found? That Mirabell loves me is no more a secret than it is a secret that you discovered it to my aunt, or than the reason why you discovered it is a secret.
MRS. MAR. You are nettled.