I"d left with Miu and hadn"t listened to what Kotobuki had to say after Miu made her out to be the bad guy.
But still she was saying sorry without a word of reproach about that.
What thoughts had been going through Kotobuki"s head as she typed up this message to me? How had she felt when I"d left her behind?
But even as I was moved by Kotobuki"s message, I couldn"t fully accept the words "don"t believe her."
It didn"t seem likely that Kotobuki had bullied Miu. I wanted to believe my mother, too.
But what reason did Miu have to lie? I could never doubt Miu, who had hugged me and murmured so happily when she finally got to see me.
Miu had lost a lot of weight after two and a half years and had also cut short her pretty chestnut-brown hair that used to rustle in the wind. She looked boyish now.
But her eyes glinted like stars when she looked at me, just the same as before.
And her voice calling my name like sweet music, her joyful smile-everything!
The feelings I had for Miu, which buffeted me with a stormy ferocity from deep inside my body, made me despair and tortured me to the point where I thought my head would split in two.
What should I do? How was I supposed to respond to Kotobuki?
If I wrote down how I really felt, it would hurt her. If I pretended differently, it would be a lie.
My fingers grew steadily colder as they gripped the phone. I was staring at the screen so intently that it made me nauseous. Just then a knock came at the door, and my mother hesitantly entered my room.
"Konoha? One of your friends is here."
"Wh-?"
"It"s Akutagawa."
I gulped.
"Sorry for just showing up like this."
"...No problem."
A minute later, we were facing each other in my room.
Akutagawa sat down in a chair, and I sat gingerly on my bed.
I wasn"t able to look him straight in the eye; I looked down and fiddled with my nails.
"I needed to talk to you today."
"...Okay."
"You probably figured, but this is about Asakura."
"Listen, Konoha."
The words Miu had whispered in her hospital room, stealing a glance up into my eyes, echoed vividly in my ears. I felt as if my heart were being crushed in their grasp.
"Kazushi is definitely going to come see you tonight."
"When he does, he"s going to look you straight in the eye and pretend to be the most honest guy in the world, and then he"s going to lie to you."
When I looked up, Akutagawa"s back was perfectly straight, and he was looking at me with his sad, almond-shaped eyes. I couldn"t detect a trace of a lie or trick in his calm demeanor or in his serious expression.
"Do you remember when we talked in the cla.s.sroom the day of the culture fair?"
"Yeah. I told you I wanted to be friends."
I remembered that we had grasped each other"s hands firmly, cooled by the wind in the cla.s.sroom dyed scarlet by the sunset, and my throat grew hot.
"I told you then that there was something I couldn"t talk to you about, remember? That I might hurt you someday."
"You did. I remember."
Even so, I had responded that I didn"t care. That I wanted to be friends for today, even if we fought or parted ways.
Deep in my chest, something grated, scalding me.
"Asakura was the thing I was keeping secret from you. I"ve known her for a long time now, and I"ve heard that there might"ve been something between you two."
Akutagawa told me about how he"d met Miu the winter of his first year, when he had gone to visit his mother in the hospital. He didn"t hide how he had recognized me when he"d gone on to second year, and we became cla.s.smates, and how he"d torn up and thrown away the letters Miu gave him.
"I apologize for not saying anything about Asakura and for tearing up the letters. I"m sorry."
Akutagawa bowed his head.
"Why...did you do it?"
My voice was feeble and hoa.r.s.e.
"First, Kazushi will reveal how he met me and try to get you to lower your guard-"
These words of Miu"s shook my heart.
"And I bet he"ll apologize for throwing out my letters."
"He"ll say they were about things he didn"t want you to see. That he thought it was better if we didn"t see each other because I was suffering from a mental illness. He"ll say that kind of awful nonsense to try and fool you."
Akutagawa lifted his face and fixed his gaze on me once more.
"I"d convinced myself that she"d written the letters to malign you, so I didn"t want to force you to read them. She"s pretty unstable right now mentally. I wasn"t going to let her see you until she"d calmed down. Because I"d decided that that was best for you and for her."
After he"d declared this without equivocation, he lowered his eyes in remorse and frowned.
"Maybe my rationalization was wrong. But that was the only way I could protect you and Asakura."
The fact that it had tortured Akutagawa to keep this a secret from me came through plainly in his voice and expression. But his words resembled Miu"s predictions far too closely, and following directly on my yearning to believe him, I heard Miu"s whisper.
"Kazushi is going to come see you to tell you lies. Don"t believe what he tells you."
"Not everything that Asakura told me in the hospital is correct. At least, I never pitted Kotobuki against her, and Kotobuki never did anything wrong to her. I just want you to believe that."
"He"ll cover for Kotobuki, too, and try to make you think I"m the only one at fault."
I wanted to believe Akutagawa.
But if I did, that would mean doubting Miu.
Why were both Kotobuki and Akutagawa telling me that Miu was a liar? She wasn"t! She wasn"t a liar!
I didn"t know how to contain the p.r.i.c.kly feelings that raged inside me. I felt like I was about to cut loose and say horrible things. I had trouble breathing, and there was nothing I could do but bow to those feelings.
"Sorry-I need some time."
I couldn"t possibly respond right now. It had taken all my strength to tell him that.
Akutagawa looked at me, his expression tinged with gloom.
"All right," he murmured with difficulty and then went home.
Left by myself, I curled up on the bed, emotions burning through my chest.
The next day we weren"t able to talk in cla.s.s.
All we did was offer each other an awkward "morning..." before quickly parting ways and not speaking another word after that. We even ate lunch separately.
When she saw us acting like that, Kotobuki"s friend Mori came over to talk to me worriedly.
"Inoue, did you have a fight with Akutagawa?"
"It"s not like that...but sort of."
She must have sensed from my tone of voice that it was better not to touch on the topic, and she quickly changed the subject.
"Oh right-Nanase"s back in the hospital again. Would you go visit her for me, Inoue?"
"...Yeah, I saw her yesterday...I"ll go again today after school."
Mori"s eyes popped.
"What?! R-really? So things"re going well with you and Nanase? Ha-ha...really! No reason to worry then, huh? Good, good. When Nanase gets back to school, I"ll have to do something nice for her."
She went away, laughing in embarra.s.sment. "Say hi to her for me."
Her cheerful voice made my heart creak with pain.
When I stopped by her room at the hospital with black teaflavored pudding, Kotobuki looked like she was curled up in her curtained-off bed, sleeping.
The girl she shared the room with called out to her, "Nanase, your boyfriend"s here."
The white curtain swung open instantly, and Kotobuki stuck her head out, her eyes bright red. Her eyelids were a little puffy, too. She"d probably been crying last night. Guilt dug at my chest, and my breathing became strained.
The other girl left the room, and Kotobuki and I were alone.
"I"m sorry I didn"t answer your message. And about yesterday...I"m really sorry I didn"t listen to your side of it."
"It...makes sense."
Kotobuki hung her head.
"I"ve been hiding Asakura from you this whole time. And I did say harsh stuff to her..."
In a low voice, I asked, "When did Miu contact you?"
"At the beginning of December. I got a message from her on my phone."
"On your phone? I wonder how she got your number."
Kotobuki faltered.
Maybe she was wondering if it was okay to talk about Akutagawa.
"Did Akutagawa give it to her, maybe?"
When I murmured that, she looked up in surprise and said forcefully, "No! Akutagawa would never think to do something like that! I"m convinced Asakura took his cell phone and looked it up all on her own!"
She bit her lip and hung her head, perhaps feeling that she had gone too far.
Then she looked up at me cautiously.
"...Do you know about Akutagawa and Asakura?"
"Akutagawa came to my house yesterday to talk about it."
Pain colored my voice. Every time I talked about it, a bitter taste spread through my mouth.
"What did he say?"
"The same thing you did. That not everything Miu says is the truth."
"And what did you think?"
I didn"t say anything.