"One red wine and one white wine spritzer as requested."
Ben arrived back at their table and carefully deposited a tray which was loaded with gla.s.ses.
The friends quickly resumed their chatter and bantering back and forth while Nicole smiled and slowly sipped her wine. She was glad for the distraction of the conversation around her. She didn"t feel like saying very much, but she had to admit to herself that it was a welcome relief to be out in public again. She knew she"d spent enough time wallowing on her sister"s sofa.
Penny for them, Jack said gently, interrupting Nicole"s thoughts.
Sorry, she smiled apologetically. I"m not very good company at the moment.
You looked like you were lost in your own little world there, Jack continued ooking at her thoughtfully.
He really has the kindest eyes, Nicole noticed distractedly. They were a very light silver-grey colour, framed with long, thick black lashes, which most women would have killed for. His gaze was direct and unflinching, while at the same time full of compa.s.sion and warmth. She found herself gazing back at him.
She coughed. I suppose you could say that I am a bit lost at the moment, she agreed.
Yeah, Ev told us what happened, Jack patted her hand sympathetically. You"re better off without him. At least you found out what he"s really like sooner, rather than later.
Are you talking in cliches again, Jack? Liv punched him playfully on the arm, as she casually eavesdropped on their conversation.
Probably, Jack laughed, taking a long gulp of his refreshingly cold beer.
What kind of a man dumps his fiance at the altar? Sarah suddenly joined in the conversation. If he didn"t want to marry you, could he not have told you in private, that morning? I don"t know how you"re still standing. The embarra.s.sment would have killed me.
Succinctly and bluntly phrased, as always, Sarah, Ben said sarcastically.
Ev glared at her friend, willing her to shut up.
Nicole could feel the familiar lump rising in her throat as silence descended on the little group. She was tired of being the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. She didn"t know how much longer she could stand everyone"s pitying, sympathetic glances.
She prayed that she wouldn"t start crying again, not in public. She"d had quite enough public humiliation for one lifetime. She wracked her brains for something to say, anything to break the deafening silence.
I"m going for a cigarette, Jack said eventually, as if he was reading her mind. Would you like to join me, Nicole?
Sure.
Would you like a Marlboro? Jack offered Nicole once they were standing outside in the smoking area.
Thanks, she took one of his cigarettes, grateful for the distraction.
She noticed how strong and calloused his hands were as he lit her cigarette. They stood in companionable silence for several moments, breathing in the cold night air. The low hum from inside the pub added a pleasant background noise.
I"m sorry about earlier, Jack said in between puffs.
There"s no need to apologise, Nicole insisted.
Sarah can be very direct. She tends to say what"s on her mind without thinking of the consequences, but she really is one of the best people I know.
There"s nothing wrong with honesty, Nicole sighed. I wish I"d had more of it in my life, maybe I wouldn"t be in the mess I"m in right now.
You seem quite sane to me, considering, Jack teased.
I"m not, trust me. I feel completely insane at the moment.
Uh-oh, you"re not turning into a psycho man-killer, are you? he asked as he dramatically took two steps away from her.
Not yet, you"re safe enough for now, she laughed, in spite of herself. I"m too busy crying and feeling sorry for myself to muster up enough anger to kill anyone yet.
Yet, Jack teased. It sounds ominous.
I feel very sad and empty. My whole life and everything I"ve ever believed has come crashing down around me and I didn"t even do anything wrong. I keep asking myself over and over again if I did anything to deserve this but I can"t understand why it happened.
It"s Paul"s fault, but he"s not suffering. He has literally ruined my life and he"s happily continuing with his life and a brand new girlfriend.
He has a new girlfriend, already? Jack asked incredulously.
Well, I a.s.sume he"s upgraded her status from mistress to girlfriend by now, Nicole said bitterly.
They won"t last long."
How can you be so sure?
What man in his right mind would have a serious relationship with his mistress? Jack said emphatically. It makes it even worse that she was sleeping with her best friend"s fiance. It"s a double betrayal, and Paul will always wonder if he can ever fully trust her. She"ll only ever be his bit on the side.
They deserve each other, Liv said, suddenly joining them.
I wish you wouldn"t sneak up on us like that, Jack scolded his friend.
I can"t help it if I"m light on my feet, Liv protested, chuckling as she stole one of Jack"s cigarettes. Anyway, Nicole, you can do a lot better than that idiot you were going to marry.
He"s not an idiot, Nicole found herself defending her ex-fiance.
Ev says he"s an idiot. She never liked him, Liv continued. No offence or anything, Nicole, but any man who dumps a woman at the altar is a lot worse than an idiot.
I wish everyone would stop saying dumped. It makes me feel like a bag of rubbish, Nicole protested.
Sorry, Liv hiccupped. I think I might have had a teeny tiny bit too much to drink. My mouth tends to run away with me after a few whiskeys. Forget about Paul, Nicole. You"ll have no problem finding another man. You"re almost as gorgeous as me and I have to chase the men away.
She laughed hysterically at her own joke.
I don"t want any other man. I only wanted Paul and he quite clearly didn"t want me. I wonder if he ever wanted me.
Nicole finally broke down into the tears that had been threatening for most of the evening.
I have to get out of here, she sniffed as she walked back into the pub, leaving Jack and Liv staring after her in bewilderment.
She marched straight up to the bar man, pushing agitatedly through the packed bodies.
"Watch it!" one woman snapped at her as Nicole knocked against her, making her spill some of her drink.
Nicole ignored her and placed her order at the bar.
"I"ll have a double whiskey and c.o.ke please, easy on the c.o.ke," she demanded from the bar man.
"Coming right up," he said as he winked flirtatiously at her.
She rolled her eyes dismissively and downed the drink in a few quick gulps, coughing a little as the harshness of the whiskey hit her throat hard.
"Id like another please."
"Whatever you say," and a few minutes later she"d demolished another gla.s.s.
"Ahh, there it is," she said aloud to n.o.body in particular as the warmth of the whiskey enveloped her, helping to calm her addled mind.
She sighed deeply, letting the worries and let-downs slowly ease away.
"Another," she ordered shortly.
"Are you sure?" The barman hesitated this time, noticing how pink her face had turned.
"I"m absolutely positive, thank you. I"ve never been surer of anything in my life."
"Fine." He quickly placed another whiskey in front of her.
She took her gla.s.s and made her way back outside. She wasn"t really in the mood for company and the pub was too packed. Her brain felt even more addled than before she"d left the safety of her sister"s apartment.
There were a few smokers outside, chatting easily and enjoying their cigarettes. It was peaceful out there. Nicole found a fairly quiet bench in the corner and sat herself down, relaxing properly for the first time that evening. It was good to be alone at last. She breathed in the cool September night air. The days were still quite warm but the night temperatures had dropped significantly recently.
She wrapped her sister"s cardigan tighter around her body for warmth and shoved her hands into the deep pockets. She looked up at the dark, night sky and lost herself for a moment in the beauty of the twinkling stars.
"The plough," she whispered, as she traced the outline of the stars with her finger.
Nicole focused on her breathing as her yoga instructor had taught her.
"I miss my yoga cla.s.sed," she thought to herself. "I miss my old life. I miss my friends and I especially miss Paul."
She didn"t want to love him anymore but it was difficult to switch off her feelings for him. She sniffed loudly and took a long swig of her drink.
"I will not cry," she said. "I will not cry again."
"It"s good to cry, you know." Nicole swung around too fast and fell off the bench, landing awkwardly on her b.u.t.t.
"What is it with you people and your sneaking around!" Nicole yelled at Sarah.
""You people" is a very derogatory term," Sarah responded curtly as she helped Nicole up off the ground.
"You nearly frightened the living daylights out of me!" Nicole protested.
"Well, I didn"t mean to scare you. I decided to come and look for you. Jack and Liv told us how upset you were earlier and I felt bad that you might be wandering around out here on your own. Ev thought you"d gone back to hers. I said I"d have a quick look for you first."
"Oh, I see," Nicole replied, calming down a little. "Thanks."
"I"m sorry I scared you."
"I"m sorry I yelled," Nicole smiled sheepishly.
"Fancy a cigarette?"
"I really shouldn"t," Nicole tried to resist. "This is the second cigarette I"ve smoked this evening."
"What a rebel! One or two every now and then won"t hurt you too much," Sarah said as she lit up.
"Actually, scientists say that one cigarette can take eleven minutes off your life."
"Interesting," Sarah said, not sounding the least bit interested as she blew puffs of smoke into perfectly round circles in the air in front of her face.
Nicole took a cigarette anyway, in spite of her protests.
There was something about Sarah that made her feel unsure of herself. She made her feel like she was a silly little girl, even though Nicole was fairly sure that she was the older of the two. Sarah emanated confidence and self-a.s.surance, two qualities which Nicole knew she certainly didn"t have at the moment. Her confidence and self-esteem were at an all-time low.
"May I ask you something, Nicole?" Sarah asked.
"Go ahead," Nicole said hesitantly, part of her dreaded to think what the question might be, but another part was fascinated.
Sarah was such a direct, forceful character. Nicole didn"t know her very well but she could feel her inner strength. She had the magical feeling that she and Sarah would become good friends.
Although Sarah was around the same age as Nicole, maybe even a few years younger, Sarah seemed very wise. Nicole got the impression that the other woman had overcome some trauma or hurt in her life, as there was a lingering sadness in her eyes.
"What"s your pa.s.sion in life?" Sarah asked.
"What"s my pa.s.sion in life?" Nicole repeated slowly.
She took another puff of her cigarette and a sip of her drink, searching her brain for a suitable answer.
"What inspires you? What makes you want to get out of bed in the morning and start your day?" Sarah continued.
"Nothing makes me want to get out of bed these days," Nicole laughed mockingly at herself.
"My bed is my favourite place right now. Every morning when I wake up, for a few short seconds I forget about everything that"s happened to me. Then everything comes flooding back and I feel totally debilitated again. I stay under the covers for as long as I can.
It"s the only place that I"m safe anymore. When I"m wrapped up under the duvet life can"t get me, n.o.body can hurt me. My life as I knew it is well and truly over and I"m finding it difficult to come to terms with having to start all over again."
"I know, you"ve been through a lot," Sarah said carefully. "You have to keep going, Nicole. You"ve only got one life and this is it.
Don"t let Paul hold you back any longer. Of course you"ll need to take time to grieve the loss of your old life and love, but I promise you that this will pa.s.s."
She put her hand on Nicole"s for a moment. Somehow, Nicole felt better. She didn"t know if it was the effects of the alcohol or the kindness from her new friend, but she began to sense the dark cloud lifting.
"You still haven"t answered my question," Sarah said as she lit up another cigarette.