"I"m afraid to knock."
She felt panicky and desperately wanted to run away.
"I"ll do it" and with that Evette was knocking loudly on the front door.
Several minutes later Paul swung the door open.
Nicole gasped when she saw his appearance. He looked as bad as she felt. His hair was limp and greasy and he smelled as if he hadn"t showered in days.
This was a man who used to spend longer than Nicole getting ready in the morning! He"d agonise in the mirror over every spike in his gelled hair, primping and teasing it until he got every strand perfected.
Now, his face was deathly pale under his thick stubble. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were hanging from his body. He seemed to have lost a lot of weight.
"Nicole!" Paul exclaimed. He sounded genuinely happy to see her.
"We"ve come to collect my sister"s belongings," Evette announced curtly as she stepped forward.
"Ok. I see. Of course," Paul stumbled over the words.
Nicole turned to her sister. "Ev, do you mind if I have some time alone with Paul?" she asked.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I think we need to have a chat in private."
"Ok, I"ll wait in the car. Call me if you need me and I"ll come straight back."
She glared pointedly at Paul as she turned on her heel and left the two of them standing alone in the corridor.
"May I come in?" Nicole asked gently. She was shocked by her ex-fiance"s appearance.
"Yes, sure, come in."
Nicole was even more stunned when she entered the apartment and saw the state of the place. The curtains were only half-open which made the apartment appear dark and gloomy. There were beer cans and wine bottles strewn across the floor and half-empty boxes of stale pizza were piled high on the coffee table.
The living room wreaked of cigarettes and smelly socks.
She turned her attention to the kitchen which was in an even worse mess than the living room. There were dirty dishes piled high in the sink and the rubbish bin in the corner was full to overflowing.
Her heart sank. She"d always had such pride in the apartment and had kept it in pristine condition and now it was a filthy mess.
"Would you like some tea?" Paul asked quietly as he tried to wash some dirty cups in the overflowing sink.
"Yes, please, tea would be nice," Nicole answered quickly.
She couldn"t believe that their relationship had come down to this; an exchange of polite pleasantries. Less than a month ago they"d been madly in love. They"d had a few arguments in recent months, mostly about the wedding plans, but they"d still been sleeping in the same bed, well, most nights anyway.
She had dismissed the air of tension between them as wedding nerves. Every couple experienced bad patches and weddings were notoriously one of the most stressful times in any couple"s life.
They were planning their wedding and looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together. Well, she"d been looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together. He"d clearly had other plans.
He"d been her best friend in the whole world and he"d hurt her very badly. She felt sad when she looked at him now.
She missed his smile. She missed his touch, but most of all she missed her best friend.
The familiar lump was beginning to rise in her throat. She willed herself to hold it together and swallowed hard to stop herself from crying. She didn"t want to cry in front of him. She didn"t want him to let him know how much he"d hurt her, how he"d ruined her life.
Nicole opened the living room curtains to let some light into the apartment. Then she cleared some empty beer cans from one end of the sofa and carefully perched at the other end.
Paul kept himself busy in the kitchen while he waited for the kettle to boil.
"There you go," he said as he finally pa.s.sed her a cup of tea in her favourite cup.
"Thanks," she said shortly.
She suddenly felt very tired and was starting to wish that she"d never come or that she"d asked her sister to collect her possessions.
The silence between them was palpable. Nicole wracked her brain for something, anything, to say to him. She had so many questions to ask, but didn"t know where to start.
The intense anger that she"d felt had suddenly dissipated and now she felt tired and drained. She had an overwhelming longing to climb into bed, cover her head with the duvet and sleep for a very long time, or at least until she started to feel human again.
Paul glanced at her sadly over the rim of his tea cup.
"You look different," he said, attempting a weak smile as he took in her bohemian clothes.
"I borrowed these from Ev," she explained, smoothing out the wrinkles in her long skirt.
"They suit you," he said.
They continued drinking their tea, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. Eventually, Nicole stood up.
"I suppose I"d better pack," she said, heading towards the bedroom.
"Do you need a hand?" Paul asked.
"I think I"ll manage." She was relieved to get away from him.
She had lots of things that she"d planned to say to him, but she couldn"t seem to find the words. He seemed sad and pathetic and instead of being angry she felt sorry for him.
Nicole approached their bedroom with some trepidation. She dreaded seeing some trace of Simone in her old home.
She opened the bedroom door cautiously and scanned the room for any evidence of Simone or some other woman. There was no evidence of any woman ever having slept there. She exhaled a deep sigh of relief.
Paul"s clothes were strewn around the floor and she was shocked to see an empty whiskey bottle by the bed. She shook herself.
"He"s not my problem anymore," she thought.
She opened the bedroom window and breathed in the cool, crisp autumn air.
Then she grabbed her suitcases from the huge sliding wardrobe and began to pack.
"I"m sorry."
Nicole was so engrossed in her thoughts that she hardly heard Paul"s whisper from the door. She glanced up and saw him standing there.
"I"m sorry," he repeated, watching her with an imploring expression on his face.
His eyes were red. She knew that he"d been crying. He seemed so alone that it was all she could do to restrain herself from running to him and hugging him.
She desperately wanted to tell him that everything would work out fine in the end, like she"d always told him before, but she couldn"t do it to herself, not this time, not after everything he"d put her through.
She deserved more than him. He"d broken the trust between them beyond repair, but what was worse than everything else was that she didn"t think that she"d ever be able to forgive him.
"Sorry." She repeated his words slowly, deliberately enunciating each letter, as if she was trying to figure out what the word actually meant.
Anger burned inside her until she finally erupted.
"I"m sorry too, Paul. I"m sorry that you cheated on me with my so-called friend. I"m sorry that you dumped me at the altar on my wedding day. I"m sorry that you publicly humiliated me in front of our family and friends. I"m sorry that you ruined my entire life."
The angry knot in the pit of her stomach was starting to unfold. Paul stood there, staring at her, opening and closing his mouth. He looked like a fish out of water.
Nicole had never raised her voice at him. She"d never nagged him or gotten angry with him in all their years together and he was stunned at the change in her att.i.tude. He"d never seen this side of her before.
Pain and anger flashed across her face and he was quite taken aback by the force of it.
"It didn"t mean anything, Nicole, I swear to you. Please believe me," he pleaded with her.
"It didn"t mean anything to you, Paul! Nicole shouted. "Well, it meant everything to me! How could you have kissed me and made love to me knowing what you"d done? It makes my skin crawl to even think about it."
She suddenly ran out of steam and sat deflated on the edge of the bed.
"Do you love her?" Nicole asked quietly, afraid to look at him and dreading his answer.
"No! You"re the only woman I have ever loved and will ever love. I"ve never known anyone like you and I am hopelessly, eternally in love with you. I can"t tell you how sorry I am."
A tense silence descended upon them.
"Why did you do it, Paul?" she asked eventually.
"I don"t know," he replied, running his hands through his hair, a familiar gesture when he didn"t know what to say.
"Why did you not break up with me in private? Did you get some sort of a sick kick out of annihilating me in front of everyone?" she asked.
"Of course I didnt! I hate myself for what I"ve done to you. I"m desperately sorry for the way I treated you. I wanted to tell you when we were alone, but I kept putting it off until it was too late. I couldn"t find the right time or the right words. You were always kind and good to me; the perfect girlfriend, too perfect sometimes."
"I was too perfect?" Nicole shouted. "What does that even mean? You obviously didn"t think I was good enough for you."
"Of course you are good enough for me. I didn"t deserve you. I didn"t want to hurt you. I"m a coward. I couldn"t face telling you the truth." He had the good grace to look away.
"You didn"t want to hurt me?" Nicole spat the words at him. "Well, you couldn"t have hurt me anymore if you tried. I feel ashamed. Everyone knows that you cheated on me and they"re probably having a good laugh at my expense."
"n.o.body"s laughing at you, Nicole. Everyone hates me. I haven"t seen anyone since the wedding. I"ve had numerous phone calls from our friends telling me that they never want to see me again. They"ve tried calling you but there was no answer."
"I can"t find my phone," Nicole said distractedly. "I think I might have left it at mum and dad"s house. I"ll get it later."
"I see, that explains why you didn"t call me back." Paul seemed a little relieved.
"Why would I have returned your calls, Paul?" Nicole asked. "You left me on my wedding day for my friend! Could you not have chosen someone other than her?"
"I didn"t choose her. It just happened. Neither of us planned it."
"Aww, it all sounds so very romantic! You didn"t plan it," Nicole"s voice dripped with sarcasm. "Where is Simone, anyway? I expected that you"d have her moved in here with you by now. We know how much you hate to be alone."
"I haven"t seen her since the wedding. It"s over between us. There never was an "us"."
"Why?" Nicole asked.
"Why what?" Paul asked in confusion.
"Why did you cheat on me with her? Was I not pretty enough or skinny enough or interesting enough for you?" she asked.
"Oh, Nicole, you"re the best thing that"s ever happened to me. I was a fool to treat you badly. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I"d never cheated on you."
"When did it start?" Nicole couldn"t help herself.
She had to know. She"d been imagining Paul and Simone together for weeks, desperately trying to figure out how long they"d been together. How long had they been laughing at her behind her back?
"We only slept together once, Nicole, I swear to you. It was a terrible, drunken mistake that should never have happened."
"I see," Nicole felt sick. "When did it happen?"
Paul shifted uncomfortably.
"I can"t remember exactly, sometime in the summer. We b.u.mped into each other one evening after work in the pub. You and Helen were in Dublin for the night, looking at wedding dresses. Simone couldn"t join you because she had work commitments. Anyway, we had a few too many drinks and one thing lead to another. You know how flirty she can be."
Paul tried to defend himself.
"Don"t even attempt to blame her!" Nicole snapped viciously. "You were engaged to me. We were planning our wedding and YOU chose to throw us away for a fling!"
"I know. You"re completely justified in feeling the way that you do."
"Do not patronise me with your psycho babble!" Nicole yelled. "Its very big of you to say that I"m justified, thank you very much!"
"I didn"t mean anything by it," Paul stuttered. "I don"t know what to say."
"Don"t say anything Paul. I think you"ve said and done enough at this stage. I"m leaving. I"ll send Ev up to come and get the rest of my things."
Nicole flounced past him and stormed towards the front door.