I sat and sipped and stared, thoughtless and unfocused. The bicyclists zipping past were bright blurs with jingling bells, and the light was that heavy leaded-gold light that occurs when a tropical sun has broken free of an overcast. Smells of charcoal, fish sauce, grease. The heat squeezed sweat from my every pore. I was brought back to alertness by angry voices. The security cadre was arguing with the waitress, insisting that the recorded music be turned on, and she was explaining that there weren"t enough customers to warrant turning it on. He began to offer formal "constructive criticism," making clear that he considered her refusal both a breach of party ethics and the code of honorable service. About then, I realized I had begun to cry. Not sobs, just tears leaking. The tears had nothing to do with the argument or the depersonalized ugliness it signaled. I believe that the heat and the light and the smells had seeped into me, triggering a recognition of an awful familiarity that my mind had thus far rejected. I wiped my face and tried to suck it up before anyone could notice my emotionality; but a teenage boy on a bicycle slowed and gazed at me with an amused expression. To show my contempt, I spat on the sidewalk. Almost instantly, I felt much better.
Early the next day, thirty of us all journalists were bussed north to Cam Le. Mist still wreathed the paddies, the light had a yellowish green cast, and along the road women in black dresses were waiting for a southbound bus, with rumpled sacks of produce like sleepy brown animals at their feet. I sat beside Fierman, who, being as hung over as I was, made no effort at conversation; however, Witcover sitting across the aisle peppered me with inane questions until I told him to leave me alone. Just before we turned onto the dirt road that led to Cam Le, an information cadre boarded the bus and for the duration proceeded to fill us in on everything we already knew. Stuff about the machine, how its fields were generated, and so forth. Technical jargon gives me a pain, and I tried hard not to listen. But then he got off onto a tack that caught my interest. "Since the machine has been in operation," he said, "the apparition seems to have grown more vital."
"What"s that mean?" I asked, waving my hand to attract his attention. "Is he coming back to life?"
My colleagues laughed.
The cadre pondered this. "It simply means that his effect has become more observable," he said at last. And beyond that he would not specify.
Cam Le had been evacuated, its population shifted to temporary housing three miles east. The village itself was nothing like the place I had entered fifteen years before. Gone were the thatched huts, and in their stead were about two dozen small houses of concrete block painted a quarantine yellow, with banana trees set between them. All this encircled by thick jungle. Standing on the far side of the road from the group of houses was the long tin-roofed building that contained the machine. Two soldiers were lounging in front of it, and as the bus pulled up, they snapped to attention; a clutch of officers came out the door, followed by a portly white-haired gook: Phan Thnah Tuu, the machine"s inventor. I disembarked and studied him while he shook hands with the other journalists; it wasn"t every day that I met someone who claimed to be both Marxist and mystic, and had gone more than the required mile in establishing the validity of each. His hair was as fine as corn silk, a fat black mole punctuated one cheek, and his benign smile was unflagging, seeming a fixture of some deeply held good opinion attaching to everything he saw. Maybe, I thought, Fierman was right. In-f.u.c.king-scrutable.
"Ah," he said, coming up, enveloping me in a cloud of perfumy cologne. "Mr. Puleo. I hope this won"t be painful for you."
"Really," I said. "You hope that, do you?"
"I beg your pardon," he said, taken aback.
"It"s okay." I grinned. "You"re forgiven."
An unsmiling major led him away to press more flesh, and he glanced back at me, perplexed. I was mildly ashamed of having f.u.c.ked with him, but unlike Ca.s.sius Clay, I had plenty against them Viet Congs. Besides, my wisea.s.s front was helping to stave off the yips.
After a brief welcome-to-the-wonderful-wacky-world-of-the-Commie-techno-paradise speech given by the major, Tuu delivered an oration upon the nature of ghosts, worthy of mention only in that it rehashed every crackpot notion I"d ever heard: apparently Stoner hadn"t yielded much in the way of hard data. He then warned us to keep our distance from the village. The fields would not harm us; they were currently in operation, undetectable to our senses and needing but a slight manipulation to "focus" Stoner. But if we were to pa.s.s inside the fields, it was possible that Stoner himself might be able to cause us injury. With that, Tim bowed and reentered the building.
We stood facing the village, which with its red dirt and yellow houses and green banana leaves looked elementary and innocent under the leaden sky. Some of my colleagues whispered together, others checked their cameras. I felt numb and shaky, prepared to turn away quickly, much the way I once had felt when forced to identify the body of a chance acquaintance at a police morgue. Several minutes after Tuu had left us, there was a disturbance in the air at the center of the village. Similar to heat haze, but the ripples were slower. And then, with the suddenness of a slide shunted into a projector, Stoner appeared.
I think I had been expecting something b.l.o.o.d.y and ghoulish, or perhaps a gauzy insubstantial form; but he looked no different than he had on the day he died. Haggard; wearing sweat-stained fatigues; his face half-obscured by a week"s growth of stubble. On his helmet were painted the words Didi Mao ("f.u.c.k Off" in Vietnamese), and I could make out the yellowing photograph of his girl that he"d taped to his rifle stock. He didn"t act startled by our presence; on the contrary, his att.i.tude was nonchalant. He shouldered his rifle, tipped back his helmet, and sauntered toward us. He seemed to be recessed into the backdrop: it was as if reality were two-dimensional and he was a cutout held behind it to give the illusion of depth. At least that"s how it was one moment. The next, he would appear to be set forward of the backdrop like a popup figure in a fancy greeting card. Watching him shift between these modes was unsettling...more than unsettling. My heart hammered, my mouth was cottony. I b.u.mped into someone and realized that I had been backing away, that I was making a scratchy noise deep in my throat. Stoner"s eyes, those eyes that had looked dead even in life, pupils about .45 caliber and hardly any iris showing, they were locked onto mine and the pressure of his stare was like two black bolts punching through into my skull.
"Puleo," he said.
I couldn"t hear him, but I saw his lips shape the name. With a mixture of longing and hopelessness harrowing his features, he kept on repeating it. And then I noticed something else. The closer he drew to me, the more in focus he became. It wasn"t just a matter of the shortening distance; his stubble and sweat stains, the frays in his fatigues, his worry lines all these were sharpening the way details become fixed in a developing photograph. But none of that disturbed me half as much as did the fact of a dead man calling my name. I couldn"t handle that. I began to hyperventilate, to get dizzy, and I believe I might have blacked out; but before that could happen, Stoner reached the edge of the fields, the barrier beyond which he could not pa.s.s.
Had I had more mental distance from the event, I might have enjoyed the sound-and-light that ensued: it was spectacular. The instant Stoner hit the end of his tether, there was an earsplitting shriek of the kind metal emits under immense stress; it seemed to issue from the air, the trees, the earth, as if some ironclad physical constant had been breached. Stoner was frozen midstep, his mouth open, and opaque lightnings were forking away from him, taking on a violet tinge as they vanished, their pa.s.sage illuminating the curvature of the fields. I heard a scream and a.s.sumed it must be Stoner. But somebody grabbed me, shook me, and I understood that I was the one screaming, screaming with throat-tearing abandon because his eyes were boring into me and I could have sworn that his thoughts, his sensations, were flowing to me along the track of his vision. I knew what he was feeling: not pain, not desperation, but emptiness. An emptiness made unbearable by his proximity to life, to fullness. It was the worst thing I"d ever felt, worse than grief and bullet wounds, and it had to be worse than dying dying, you see, had an end, whereas this went on and on, and every time you thought you had adapted to it, it grew worse yet. I wanted it to stop. That was all I wanted. Ever. Just for it to stop.
Then, with the same abruptness that he had appeared, Stoner winked out of existence and the feeling of emptiness faded.
People pressed in, asking questions. I shouldered them aside and walked off a few paces. My hands were shaking, my eyes weepy. I stared at the ground. It looked blurred, an undifferentiated smear of green with a brown clot in the middle: this gradually resolved into gra.s.s and my left shoe. Ants were crawling over the laces, poking their heads into the eyelets. The sight was strengthening, a rea.s.surance of the ordinary.
"Hey, man." Witcover hove up beside me. "You okay?" He rested a hand on my shoulder. I kept my eyes on the ants, saying nothing. If it had been anyone else, I might have responded to his solicitude; but I knew he was only sucking up to me, hoping to score some human interest for his satellite report. I glanced at him. He was wearing a pair of mirrored sungla.s.ses, and that consolidated my anger. Why is it, I ask you, that every measly little wimp in the universe thinks he can put on a pair of mirrored sungla.s.ses and instantly acquire magical hipness and cool, rather than as is the case looking like an a.s.shole with reflecting eyes?
"f.u.c.k off," I told him in a tone that implied dire consequences were I not humored. He started to talk back, but thought better of it and stalked off. I returned to watching the ants; they were caravanning up inside my trousers and onto my calf. I would become a legend among them: The Human Who Stood Still for Biting.
From behind me came the sound of peremptory gook voices, angry American voices. I paid them no heed, content with my insect pals and the comforting state of thoughtlessness that watching them induced. A minute or so later, someone else moved up beside me and stood without speaking.
I recognized Tuu"s cologne and looked up. "Mr. Puleo," he said. "I"d like to offer you an exclusive on this story." Over his shoulder, I saw my colleagues staring at us through the windows of the bus, as wistful and forlorn as kids who have been denied Disneyland: they, like me, knew that big bucks were to be had from exploiting Stoner"s plight.
"Why?" I asked.
"We want your help in conducting an experiment."
I waited for him to continue.
"Did you notice," he said, "that after Stoner identified you, his image grew sharper?"
I nodded.
"We"re interested in observing the two of you in close proximity. His reaction to you was unique."
"You mean go in there?" I pointed to the village. "You said it was dangerous."
"Other subjects have entered the fields and shown no ill effects. But Stoner was not as intrigued by them as he was with you." Tuu brushed a lock of hair back from his forehead. "We have no idea of Stoner"s capabilities, Mr. Puleo. It is a risk. But since you served in the Army, I a.s.sume you are accustomed to risk."
I let him try to persuade me the longer I held out, the stronger my bargaining position but I had already decided to accept the offer. Though I wasn"t eager to feel that emptiness again, I had convinced myself that it had been a product of nerves and an overactive imagination; now that I had confronted Stoner, I believed I would be able to control my reactions. Tim said that he would have the others driven back to Saigon, but I balked at that. I was not sufficiently secure to savor the prospect of being alone among the gooks, and I told Tuu I wanted Fierman and Witcover to stay. Why Witcover? At the time I might have said it was because he and Fierman were the only two of my colleagues whom I knew; but in retrospect, I think I may have antic.i.p.ated the need for a whipping boy.
We were quartered in a house at the eastern edge of the village, one that the fields did not enclose. Three cots were set up inside, along with a table and chairs; the yellow walls were brocaded with mildew, and weeds grew sideways from c.h.i.n.ks in the concrete blocks. Light was provided by an oil lamp that as darkness fell sent an inconstant glow lapping over the walls, making it appear that the room was filled with dirty orange water.
After dinner Fierman produced a bottle of whiskey his briefcase contained three more and a deck of cards, and we sat down to while away the evening. The one game we all knew was Hearts, and we each played according to the dictates of our personalities. Fierman became quickly drunk and attempted to Shoot the Moon on every hand, no matter how bad his cards; he seemed to be asking fate to pity a fool. I paid little attention to the game, my ears tuned to the night sounds, half expecting to hear the sputter of small-arms fire, the rumor of some ghostly engagement; it was by dint of luck alone that I maintained second place. Witcover played conservatively, building his score through our mistakes, and though we were only betting a nickel a point, to watch him sweat out every trick you would have thought a fortune hung in the balance; he chortled over our pitiful f.u.c.kups, rolling his eyes and shaking his head in delight, and whistled as he totaled up his winnings. The self-importance he derived from winning fouled the atmosphere, and the room acquired the staleness of a cell where we had been incarcerated for years. Finally, after a particularly childish display of glee, I pushed back my chair and stood.
"Where you going?" asked Witcover. "Let"s play."
"No, thanks," I said.
"Christ!" He picked up the discards and muttered something about sore losers.
"It"s not that," I told him. "I"m worried if you win another hand, you"re gonna come all over the f.u.c.kin" table. I don"t wanna watch."
Fierman snorted laughter.
Witcover shot me an aggrieved look. "What"s with you, man? You been on my case ever since the hotel."
I shrugged and headed for the door.
"a.s.shole," he said half under his breath.
"What?" An angry flush numbed my face as I turned back.
He tried to project an expression of manly belligerence, but his eyes darted from side to side. "a.s.shole?" I said. "Is that right?" I took a step toward him.
Fierman scrambled up, knocking over his chair, and began pushing me away. "C"mon," he said. "It"s not worth it. Chill out." His boozy sincerity acted to diminish my anger, and I let him urge me out the door.
The night was moonless, with a few stars showing low on the horizon; the spiky crowns of the palms ringing the village were silhouettes pinned onto a lesser blackness. It was so humid, it felt like you could spoon in the air. I crossed the dirt road, found a patch of gra.s.s near the tin-roofed building, and sat down. The door to the building was cracked, spilling a diagonal of white radiance onto the ground, and I had the notion that there was no machine inside, only a mystic boil of whiteness emanating from Tuu"s silky hair. A couple of soldiers walked past and nodded to me; they paused a few feet farther along to light cigarettes, which proceeded to brighten and fade with the regularity of tiny beacons.
Crickets sawed, frogs chirred, and listening to them, smelling the odor of sweet rot from the jungle, I thought about a similar night when I"d been stationed at Phnoc Vinh, about a party we"d had with a company of artillery. There had been a barbecue pit and iced beer and our CO had given special permission for wh.o.r.es to come on the base. It had been a great party; in fact, those days at Phnoc Vinh had been the best time of the war for me. The artillery company had had this terrific cook, and on movie nights he"d make doughnuts. Jesus, I"d loved those doughnuts! They"d tasted like home, like peace. I"d kick back and munch a doughnut and watch the bulls.h.i.t movie, and it was almost like being in my own living room, watching the tube. Trouble was, Phnoc Vinh had softened me up, and after three weeks, when we"d been airlifted to Quan Loi, which was constantly under mortar and rocket fire, I"d nearly gotten my a.s.s blown off.
Footsteps behind me. Startled, I turned and saw what looked to be a disembodied white shirt floating toward me. I came to one knee, convinced for the moment that some other ghost had been lured to the machine; but a second later a complete figure emerged from the dark: Tuu. Without a word, he sat cross-legged beside me. He was smoking a cigarette...or so I thought until I caught a whiff of marijuana. He took a deep drag, the coal illuminating his placid features, and offered me the joint. I hesitated, not wanting to be pals; but tempted by the smell, I accepted it, biting back a smarta.s.s remark about Marxist permissiveness. It was good s.h.i.t. I could feel the smoke twisting through me, finding out all my hollow places. I handed it back, but he made a gesture of warding it off, and after a brief silence he said, "What do you think about all this, Mr. Puleo?"
"About Stoner?"
"Yes."
"I think" I jetted smoke from my nostrils "it"s c.r.a.p that you"ve got him penned up in that astral tiger cage."
"Had this discovery been made in the United States," he said, "the circ.u.mstances would be no different. Humane considerations if, indeed, they apply would have low priority."
"Maybe," I said. "It"s still c.r.a.p."
"Why? Do you believe Stoner is unhappy?"
"Don"t you?" I had another hit. It was very good s.h.i.t. The ground seemed to have a pulse. "Ghosts are by nature unhappy."
"Then you know what a ghost is?"
"Not hardly. But I figure unhappy"s part of it." The roach was getting too hot; I took a final hit and flipped it away. "How "bout you? You believe that garbage you preached this mornin"?"
His laugh was soft and cultivated. "That was a press release. However, my actual opinion is neither less absurd-sounding nor more verifiable."
"And what"s that?"
He plucked a blade of gra.s.s, twiddled it. "I believe a ghost is a quality that dies in a man long before he experiences physical death. Something that has grown acclimated to death and thus survives the body. It might be love or an ambition. An element of character...Anything." He regarded me with his lips pursed. "I have such a ghost within me. As do you, Mr. Puleo. My ghost senses yours."
The theory was as harebrained as his others, but I wasn"t able to deny it. I knew he was partly right, that a moral filament had snapped inside me during the war and since that time I had lacked the ingredient necessary to the development of a generous soul. Now it seemed that I could feel that lack as a restless presence straining against my flesh. The sawing of the crickets intensified, and I had a rush of paranoia, wondering if Tuu was f.u.c.king with my head. Then, moods shifting at the chemical mercies of the dope, my paranoia eroded and Tuu snapped into focus for me...or at least his ghost did. He had, I recalled, written poetry prior to the war, and I thought I saw the features of that lost poet melting up from his face: a dreamy fellow given to watching petals fall and contemplating the moon"s reflection. I closed my eyes, trying to get a grip. This was the best dope I"d ever smoked. Commie Pink, pure buds of the revolution.
"Are you worried about tomorrow?" Tuu asked.
"Should I be?"
"I can only tell you what I did before no one has been harmed."
"What happened during those other experiments?" I asked.
"Very little, really. Stoner approached each subject, spoke to them. Then he lost interest and wandered off."
"Spoke to them? Could they hear him?"
"Faintly. However, considering his reaction to you, I wouldn"t be surprised if you could hear him quite well."
I wasn"t thrilled by that prospect. Having to look at Stoner was bad enough. I thought about the eerie s.h.i.t he might say: admonitory p.r.o.nouncements, sad questions, windy vowels gusting from his strange depths. Tuu said something and had to repeat it to snap me out of my reverie. He asked how it felt to be back in Vietnam, and without forethought, I said it wasn"t a problem.
"And the first time you were here," he said, an edge to his voice. "Was that a problem?"
"What are you gettin" at?"
"I noticed in your records that you were awarded a Silver Star."
"Yeah?"
"You must have been a good soldier. I wondered if you might not have found a calling in war."
"If you"re askin" what I think about the war," I said, getting p.i.s.sed, "I don"t make judgments about it. It was a torment for me, nothing more. Its geopolitical consequences, cultural effects, they"re irrelevant to me...maybe they"re ultimately irrelevant. Though I doubt you"d agree."
"We may agree more than you suspect." He sighed pensively. "For both of us, apparently, the war was a pa.s.sion. In your case, an agonizing one. In mine, while there was also agony, it was essentially a love affair with revolution, with the idea of revolution. And as with all great pa.s.sions, what was most alluring was not the object of pa.s.sion but the new depth of my own feelings. Thus I was blind to the realities underlying it. Now" he waved at the sky, the trees "now I inhabit those realities and I am not as much in love as once I was. Yet no matter how extreme my disillusionment, the pa.s.sion continues. I want it to continue. I need the significance with which it imbues my past actions." He studied me. "Isn"t that how it is for you? You say war was a torment, but don"t you find those days empowering?"
Just as when he had offered me the joint, I realized that I didn"t want this sort of peaceful intimacy with him; I preferred him to be my inscrutable enemy. Maybe he was right, maybe like him I needed this pa.s.sion to continue in order to give significance to my past. Whatever, I felt vulnerable to him, to my perception of his humanity. "Good night," I said, getting to my feet. My a.s.s was numb from sitting and soaked with dew.
He gazed up at me, unreadable, and fingered something from his shirt pocket. Another joint. He lit up, exhaling a billow of smoke. "Good night," he said coldly.
The next morning sunny, cloudless I staked myself out on the red dirt of Cam Le to wait for Stoner. Nervous, I paced back and forth until the air began to ripple and he materialized less than thirty feet away. He walked slowly toward me, his rifle dangling; a drop of sweat carved a cold groove across my rib cage. "Puleo," he said, and this time I heard him. His voice was faint, but it shook me.
Looking into his blown-out pupils, I was reminded of a day not long before he had died. We had been hunkered down together after a firefight, and our eyes had met, had locked as if sealed by a vacuum: like two senile old men, incapable of any communication aside from a recognition of the other"s vacancy. As I remembered this, it hit home to me that though he hadn"t been a friend, he was my brother-in-arms, and that as such, I owed him more than journalistic interest.
"Stoner!" I hadn"t intended to shout, but in that outcry was a wealth of repressed emotion, of regret and guilt and anguish at not being able to help him elude the fate by which he had been overtaken.
He stopped short; for an instant the hopelessness drained from his face. His image was undergoing that uncanny sharpening of focus: sweat beads popping from his brow, a scab appearing on his chin. The lines of strain around his mouth and eyes were etched deep, filled in with grime, like cracks in his tan.
Tides of emotion were washing over me, and irrational though it seemed, I knew that some of these emotions the fierce hunger for life in particular were Stoner"s. I believe we had made some sort of connection, and all our thoughts were in flux between us. He moved toward me again. My hands trembled, my knees buckled, and I had to sit down, overwhelmed not by fear but by the combination of his familiarity and utter strangeness. "Jesus, Stoner," I said. "Jesus."
He stood gazing dully down at me. "My sending," he said, his voice louder and with a p.r.o.nounced resonance. "Did you get it?"
A chill articulated my spine, but I forced myself to ignore it. "Sending?" I said.
"Yesterday," he said, "I sent you what I was feeling. What it"s like for me here."
"How?" I asked, recalling the feeling of emptiness. "How"d you do that?"
"It"s easy, Puleo," he said. "All you have to do is die, and thoughts...dreams, they"ll flake off you like old paint. But believe me, it"s hardly adequate compensation." He sat beside me, resting the rifle across his knees. This was no ordinary sequence of movements. His outline wavered, and his limbs appeared to drift apart: I might have been watching the collapse of a lifelike statue through a volume of disturbed water. It took all my self-control to keep from flinging myself away. His image steadied, and he stared at me. "Last person I was this close to ran like h.e.l.l," he said. "You always were a tough motherf.u.c.ker, Puleo. I used to envy you that."
If I hadn"t believed before that he was Stoner, the way he spoke the word motherf.u.c.ker would have cinched it for me: it had the stiffness of a practiced vernacular, a mode of expression that he hadn"t mastered. This and his pathetic manner made him seem less menacing. "You were tough, too," I said glibly.
"I tried to be," he said. "I tried to copy you guys. But it was an act, a veneer. And when we hit Cam Le, the veneer cracked."
"You remember..." I broke off because it didn"t feel right, my asking him questions; the idea of translating his blood and bones into a best-seller was no longer acceptable.
"Dying?" His lips thinned. "Oh, yeah. Every detail. You guys were ha.s.sling the villagers, and I thought, Christ, they"re going to kill them. I didn"t want to be involved, and...I was so tired, you know, so tired in my head, and I figured if I walked off a little ways, I wouldn"t be part of it. I"d be innocent. So I did. I moved a ways off, and the wails, the shouts, they weren"t real anymore. Then I came to this hut. I"d lost track of what was happening by that time. In my mind I was sure you"d already started shooting, and I said to myself, I"ll show them I"m doing my bit, put a few rounds into this hut. Maybe" his Adam"s apple worked "maybe they"ll think I killed somebody. Maybe that"ll satisfy them."
I looked down at the dirt, troubled by what I now understood to be my complicity in his death, and troubled also by a new understanding of the events surrounding the death. I realized that if anyone else had gotten himself blown up, the rest of us would have flipped out and likely have wasted the villagers. But since it had been Stoner, the explosion had had almost a calming effect: Cam Le had rid us of a nuisance.
Stoner reached out his hand to me. I was too mesmerized by the gesture, which left afterimages in the air, to recoil from it, and I watched horrified as his fingers gripped my upper arm, pressing wrinkles in my shirtsleeve. His touch was light and transmitted a dry coolness, and with it came a sensation of weakness. By all appearances, it was a normal hand, yet I kept expecting it to become translucent and merge with my flesh.
"It"s going to be okay," said Stoner.
His tone, though bemused, was confident, and I thought I detected a change in his face, but I couldn"t put my finger on what the change was. "Why"s it gonna be okay?" I asked, my voice more frail and ghostly-sounding than his. "It doesn"t seem okay to me."
"Because you"re part of my process, my circuitry. Understand?"
"No," I said. I had identified what had changed about him. Whereas a few moments before he had looked real, now he looked more than real, ultra-real; his features had acquired the kind of gloss found in air-brushed photographs, and for a split second his eyes were cored with points of glitter as if reflecting a camera flash...except these points were bluish white, not red. There was a coa.r.s.eness to his face that hadn"t been previously evident, and in contrast to my earlier perception of him, he now struck me as dangerous, malevolent.
He squinted and c.o.c.ked his head. "What"s wrong, man? You scared of me?" He gave an amused sniff. "Hang in there, Puleo. Tough guy like you, you"ll make an adjustment." My feeling of weakness had intensified: it was as if blood or some even more vital essence were trickling out of me. "Come on, Puleo," he said mockingly. "Ask me some questions? That"s what you"re here for, isn"t it? I mean this must be the G.o.dd.a.m.n scoop of the century. Good News From Beyond the Grave! Of course" he pitched his voice low and sepulchral "the news isn"t all that good."
Those glittering cores resurfaced in his pupils, and I wanted to wrench free; but I felt helpless, wholly in his thrall.