"Two heads are better than one," said Padna, "and two fools, if they are any way sensible at all, are better than a wife with a bad temper. But comparisons are odious, as the whale said to the gra.s.shopper. Go on with your story."
"Well, the King ses to the Generals, after they had all forgotten what he first started talking about: "I demand," ses he, "in the name of justice, common sense, and humanity, that we will be allowed time to bury our dead, and that there will be no thunderous cannonading of artillery, no charges of cavalry, infantry, nor anything else that might be a breach of the etiquette of war, until our last man is buried." And then and there the Generals agreed, and from that day to this, there was never a sound, except of music, heard in the Land of Peace and Plenty."
"I don"t quite understand," said Padna.
"Well," said Micus, "don"t you see, when the last man was buried, some one else died, and as there will be always some one dying, there will be always some one to be buried in the Land of Peace and Plenty."
"All the water is boiled out of the kettle," said Padna.
"There"s plenty more in the well," said Micus.
THE LINNET WITH THE CROWN OF GOLD
"What"s troubling you at all? You"re not looking yourself to-day,"
said Padna Dan to his friend Micus Pat, as he cut a switch from a blackthorn tree on the road to Mallow on a May morning.
"There"s many a thing that troubles a man that he doesn"t like to talk about," said Micus, "and many a thing that he talks about that doesn"t trouble him at all."
"Maybe some one died who owed you money," said Padna.
"Well, as you seem to be anxious to know, it was the way that some one died, but the devil a ha"penny did he owe me, no more than yourself or the Pope of Rome," said Micus.
"Was he a member of the Royal Family then, or some one born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and no more brains in his head than you"d find with a sparrow?"
"He was no way connected with royalty or the aristocracy, but a decent man who always worked for a living, one Lareen, the birdcatcher from Duhallow."
"And what"s the use fretting about any one who is dead and gone? Sure we must all die, and maybe there will be no one fretting about ourselves."
"There is some truth in that, but we can"t always be as philosophic as we pretend to be."
"And was Lareen of such importance that you can"t forget him, now that he"s gone to his reward or his deserts, as the case may be?"
"Well," said Micus, "Lareen was a Murphy on his father"s side and a Ca.s.sidy on his mother"s, and both families were noted the world over for their love of sport, black pudding, and fresh drisheens. And Lareen, like his father and grandfather, was a birdcatcher by nature and a shoemaker by profession, and he always made boots and shoes for the parish priest and the minister, and he used to collect the money at the chapel door on Sundays. There was no man in the seven parishes who could blow the organ for vespers better than himself, but the devil a bit he ever got for all he did for others, except that he contracted rheumatics from walking in the rain while attending funerals of the poor. However, that same had its compensations, because it helped him to remember that he wasn"t long for this life, and that he had a soul to save and a wife and family to support. But to go on with my story. One fine morning, as I was reading the newspaper that I got the lend of from the public house opposite the pump at the bend of the road, who should come into the house but Lareen himself, and there and then he up and ses: "Good morning, Micus," ses he.
""Good morning kindly, Lareen," ses I. "What"s the good word?"
""Nothing in particular," ses he.
""Have you no news at all?" ses I.
""Yes, I have a little," ses he.
""I"d like to hear it then," ses I.
""Very well," ses he. "The King of Morocco has a corn on his big toe, and he sent to the United States for a specialist to remove it."
""Is that so?" ses I. "Sure "twould be as cheap to send to London or Dublin or Cork itself for a specialist as the United States,"
ses I. "An operation like that will cost him a lot of money, anyway, but what matter? He don"t have to earn it, and the more he spends, the more respectable the people will think he is. But nevertheless "twould be cheaper for him to cut a piece out of his boot, or cut his toe off altogether, than to send to America for a doctor."
""True," ses he, "and if we were all to charge as much for the little we do as the doctors and the specialists, "tis the way that we might make bankrupts of each other overnight, and as a consequence we might all die of want and privation."
""That"s very true indeed, but is that all the news you have for me?" ses I.
""Well, not exactly," ses he. "There was a man shot in Russia last week, the Grand Duke of Ballybrophy went to America to be lionized by the republicans and democrats, a kangaroo died in Australia, the King of Italy bought a new hat, and Queen Victoria gave a shilling for the relief of the poor of Ireland."
""And tell me," ses I, "is it all to be given to the Protestants?"
""No," ses he, ""tis to be equally divided among the poor of all cla.s.ses."
""I"m glad to hear that," ses I, "because it denotes a fine, broad-minded, and generous spirit. But what pleases me more than anything else is that she has not forgotten that Ireland is still on the map."
""Why," ses he, "Ireland will never be forgotten while there is money to be made at politics in America, and politics, they say, is the most popular religion in the United States."
""And was it to tell me what I know already that brought you here?"
""No," ses he. "I wanted to tell you that I dreamt of my mother"s people last night, and that always brings me good luck. So as "tis a fine hard frosty day, I"d like to go birdcatching in Fingal"s Glen, and catch a dozen linnets, half a dozen finches, and maybe a couple of blackbirds and thrushes. But I haven"t the makings of a sprig of birdlime, or a crib, or a good singing bird to bring with me," ses he.
""If that is all that"s troubling you," ses I, "you have no longer any cause to worry. I"ll give you the box of birdlime that the bishop himself made me a present of last Easter, and I"ll give you the loan of the best singing bird I have in the house, a linnet that would put a nightingale or a prima donna to shame," ses I.
"And with that I handed him the box of birdlime that was made by the best cobbler in Antrim, and I took down the linnet cage from over the half door, and gave him that also.
"And then ses I, "Go your way and may G.o.d bless you, and if you can"t catch birds with my linnet and the bishop"s birdlime, you might as well go to America and try and convince the Irish-Americans that they are not a bit better than the Irish at home."
""Wisha, bad luck to their impudence," ses he. "What do they know about the Irish at home?"
""The devil a hap"orth," ses I. And then he put the cage under his arm and ses: "I wish I knew how to thank you for all your kindness, and now I will trouble you for the loan of your topcoat, the fillings of a pipe, and a box of matches. For "tis frozen with the cold I"ll be, standing behind a furze bush waiting for a flock of linnets to rise, so that I may throw myself down on my face and hands on the wet gra.s.s, the way they wouldn"t see me at all," ses he.
""A good birdcatcher," ses I, "will always find a place where he will be able to hide without throwing himself down on the wet gra.s.s or soft earth. However, you are welcome to the loan of my old coat, and I will make you a present of a plug of tobacco and a box of matches."
"So after he put on the coat, he walked away with his "May the Lord spare and protect you all the days of your life," and a week pa.s.sed before he returned. I was eating my breakfast when he called, and as he pushed open the half door with his "G.o.d bless all here," I up and ses: "What luck?" ses I.
""Don"t talk to me about luck," ses he, as he placed the overcoat, the box of birdlime, and the cage on a chair beside him. "I"m the happiest man alive," ses he.
""I"m sorry to hear that," ses I.
""And why, might I ask?" ses he.
""Well," ses I, ""tis only selfish people who can be really happy. Howsomever, let me hear what you have to say."
""I caught a linnet with a crown of gold," ses he.
""You did!" ses I.