The Whale and the Gra.s.shopper.
by Seumas...o...b..ien.
THE WHALE AND THE GRa.s.sHOPPER
When Padna Dan started talking to his friend Micus Pat as they walked at a leisurely pace towards the town of Castlegregory on a June morning, what he said was: "The world is a wonderful place when you come to think about it, and Ireland is a wonderful place and so is America, and though there are lots of places like each other, there"s no place like Ballysantamalo. When there"s not sunshine there, there"s moonshine, and the handsomest women in the world live there, and nowhere else except in Ireland or the churchyards could you find such decent people."
"Decency," said Micus, "when you"re poor is extravagance, and bad example when you"re rich."
"And why?" said Padna.
"Well," said Micus, "because the poor imitate the rich and the rich give to the poor and when the poor give to each other they have nothing of their own."
"That"s communism you"re talking," said Padna, "and that always comes before education and enlightenment. Sure, if the poor weren"t decent they"d be rich, and if the rich were decent they"d be poor, and if every one had a conscience there"d be less millionaires."
""Tis a poor bird that can"t pick for himself."
"But suppose a bird had a broken wing and couldn"t fly to where the pickings were?" said Micus.
"Well, then bring the pickings to him. That would be charity."
"But charity is decency and wisdom is holding your tongue when you don"t know what you"re talking about."
"If the people of Ballysantamalo are so decent, how is it that there are so many bachelors there? Do you think it right to have all the young women worrying their heads off reading trashy novels and doing all sorts of silly things like fixing their hair in a way that was never intended by nature and doing so for years and years and having nothing in the end but the trouble of it all?"
"Well, "tis hard blaming the young men because every young lady you meet looks better to you than the last until you meet the next, and so you go from one to another until you"re so old that no one would marry you at all unless you had lots of money, a bad liver, and a shaky heart."
"An old man without any sense, lots of money, a bad liver, and a shaky heart can always get a young lady to marry him," said Micus, "though rheumatics, gout, and a wooden leg are just as good in such a case."
"Every bit," said Padna, "but there"s nothing like a weak const.i.tution, a cold climate, and a tendency to pneumonia."
"Old men are queer," said Micus.
"They are," said Padna, "and if they were all only half as wise as they think they are, then there"d be only young fools in the world. I don"t wonder a bit at the suffragettes. And a time will come when we won"t know men from women unless someone tells us so."
"Wisha, "tis my belief that there will be a great reaction some day, because women will never be able to stand the strain of doing what they please without encountering opposition. When a man falls into love he falls into trouble likewise, and when a woman isn"t in trouble you may be sure that there"s something wrong with her."
"Well," said Padna, "I think we will leave the women where the Devil left St. Peter,--"
"Where was that?" asked Micus.
"Alone," answered Padna.
"That would be all very fine if they stayed there," said Micus.
"Now," said Padna, "as I was talking of my travels in foreign parts, I want to tell you about the morning I walked along the beach at Ballysantamalo, and a warm morning it was too. So I ses to meself, "Padna Dan," ses I, "what kind of a fool of a man are you? Why don"t you take a swim for yourself?" So I did take a swim, and I swam to the rocks where the seals go to get their photographs taken, and while I was having a rest for myself I noticed a gra.s.shopper sitting a short distance away and "pon my word, but he was the most sorrowful-looking gra.s.shopper I ever saw before or since. Then all of a sudden a monster whale comes up from the sea and lies down beside him and ses: "Well,"
ses he, "is that you? Who"d ever think of finding you here! Why there"s nothing strange under the sun but the ways of woman."
"""Tis me that"s here, then," ses the gra.s.shopper. "My grandmother died last night and she wasn"t insured either."
""The practice of negligence is the curse of mankind and the root of sorrow," ses the whale. "I suppose the poor old soul had her fill of days, and sure we all must die, and "tis cheaper to be dead than alive at any time. A man never knows that he"s dead when he is dead, and he never knows he"s alive until he"s married."
""You"re a great one to expatiate on things you know nothing about like the barbers and the cobblers," said the gra.s.shopper. "I only want to know if you"re coming to the funeral to-morrow."
""I"m sorry I can"t," ses the whale. "My grandfather is getting married for the tenth time and I was in China on the last few occasions. I must pay my respects by being present at to-morrow"s festivities," ses he.
""I"m sorry you can"t come," ses the gra.s.shopper, "because you are heartily welcome and you"d add prestige to the ceremony besides."
""I know that," ses the whale, "but America don"t care much about ceremony."
""Who told you that?" ses the gra.s.shopper.
""Haven"t I my eyesight, and don"t I read the newspapers?" ses the whale.
""You mustn"t read the society columns, then," ses the gra.s.shopper.
""Wisha, for the love of St. Crispin," ses the whale, "have they society columns in the American newspapers?"
""Indeed they have," ses the gra.s.shopper, "and they oftentimes devote a few columns to other matters when the dressmakers don"t be busy."
""America is a strange country surely, a wonderful country, not to say a word about the length and breadth of it. I swam around it twice last week without stopping, to try and reduce my weight, and would you believe me that I was tired after the journey, but the change of air only added to my proportions?"
""That"s too bad," ses the gra.s.shopper.
""Are you an American?" ses the whale.
""Of course I am," ses the gra.s.shopper. "You don"t think "tis the way I"d be born at sea and no nationality at all, like yourself. I"m proud of my country."
""And why, might I ask?"
""Well, don"t we produce distinguished Irishmen, and make Americans of the Europeans and Europeans of the Americans? Think of all the connoisseurs who wouldn"t buy a work of art in their own country, when they could go to Europe and pay ten times the value for the pot-boilers that does be turned out in the studios of Paris and London."
""There"s nothing like home industry," ses the whale, "in a foreign country, I mean."
""After all, who knows anything about a work of art but the artist, and very little he knows about it either. A work of art is like a flower; it grows, it happens. That"s all. And unless you charge the devil"s own price for it, people will think you are cheating them."
""Wisha, I suppose the best any one can do is to take all you can get and if you want to be a philanthropist give away what you don"t want,"
ses the gra.s.shopper.
""All worth missing I catches," ses the whale, "and all worth catching I misses, like the fisherman who lost the salmon and caught a crab. How"s things in Europe? I didn"t see the papers this morning."
""Europe is in a bad way," ses the gra.s.shopper. "She was preaching civilization for centuries, so that she might be prepared when war came to annihilate herself."
""It looks that way to me," ses the whale. "Is there anything else worth while going on in the world?"
""There"s the Irish question," ses the gra.s.shopper.