"""Tis easy to see," ses Matty, "that you can"t be of any help or consolation to a man like myself. You have too much common-sense to pay any attention to a barking dog, so to speak."
""I have, indeed," ses the Gaekwar. "You need never muzzle a dog that barks."
"So with that he shook hands with Matty and ses: "Good-by, G.o.d speed you, long life to you, and may your next trouble be seven daughters. The more trouble we have the less we think about it, and a thorn in a man"s toe is nothing to a bullet in his head."
"After that Matty went to the Czar of all the Russians, and from the Czar to the King of Greece, and after he had spent years traveling the world looking, in vain, for advice as to whether New York or Boston would be the best place to commit suicide, he returned home and to his great surprise learnt that his two wives had married again."
"And what happened then?" said Micus.
"Well, of course, he found he was worse off than ever. He could not decide where to commit suicide, and his wives, the cause of all his trouble and entertainment, would never trouble him again. They were too busy troubling some one else. And lo and behold! the shock stretched him on the flat of his back, and when the doctor told him that he had only a month to live, he turned his face to the wall and died."
"He expected to die of old age, like all would-be suicides, I dare say," said Micus.
"Of course he did," said Padna. "He was just one of the many people whose trouble is their greatest pleasure, and who are never happy only when they are annoying others with their own affairs."
HAM AND EGGS
"Wisha, in the name of all the nonent.i.ties that a man meets at a fancy dress ball, or a lawn tennis party," said Padna to Micus, as he saw him holding a lantern over a pool of water, on a dark night, at the crossroads of Carrignamore, "what are you doing, at all, at all?"
"I"m looking for the moon that was here in the pool, less than an hour ago, and a more beautiful moon was never seen in any part of the whole world," said Micus.
"Well," said Padna, "if "twas twice as beautiful, and twice as large, and the size of a Chinese sunshade inself, you"d have no more chance of finding it on a dark night like this, than you"d have of finding a circus at the North Pole, or discovering why women will worry about their husbands when they stay out late at night, and then abuse the devil out of them when they come in, even though they had to stay out through no fault of their own."
"What you say may be true," said Micus, "but "tis better a man should have an interest in astronomy or something else, and go looking for the moon in a pool of water at the crossroads, than have no interest in anything at all, except killing time talking about the wars of the world, or the ways of his neighbours. And sure if a man couldn"t find the moon inself, he might find something else while he"d be looking for it."
"Bedad, and that"s true enough too! Many a man found happiness when he went looking for trouble, and many a man found trouble when he went looking for happiness, and a man often found a friend where he expected to find an enemy, and found an enemy where he expected to find a friend," said Padna.
"In a word, we go through life looking for what we can"t find, and finding what we didn"t go to look for. Think of poor Columbus, and what he found, and he not looking for America, at all. Sure, that sort of thing would encourage any one to set out on a voyage of adventure, even though he mightn"t know where he"d be going to, or what he might be doing," said Micus.
"Talking about findings and losings, and strange happenings in general, I wonder if you ever heard tell of the bishop who took off his hat to a poor man," said Padna.
"I did not, then, and I don"t believe a word of it either," said Micus.
"Oh, bedad, whether you believe it or no, "tis a fact, then, nevertheless," said Padna.
"Well, it must have been a mistake of some kind, or maybe an accident. "Tis possible, of course, that His Lordship took off his hat to leave the air to his head when the poor man was pa.s.sing, but I can"t imagine that he removed it for any other purpose, unless, maybe, a wasp, or a fly settled on his bald crown. In that case he would take off his hat to scratch his head," said Micus.
"If you don"t believe what I"m telling you, there"s no use going on with the story," said Padna.
"There is not then. But surely," said Micus, "you must have something else to relate, and I not to lay eyes on you since Monday was a week."
"I have another story, if you"d like to hear it," said Padna.
"Of course, I"d like to hear it. What is it all about?"
""Tis all about a pig and a clucking hen," said Padna.
"Let us take the shortest cut home, and I"ll listen to the story as we walk along. And "tis glad I am that I went looking for the moon, this blessed night, else I mightn"t have found yourself, and I dying to have a talk with some one," said Micus.
"Well," said Padna, as he sauntered leisurely along with his friend Micus, who kept swinging a lantern, "on my way home from market yesterday evening, as the sun was sinking behind the hills, I strolled along the road that leads to Five Mile Bridge, and I felt so tired after the journey from Cork to Ballinabearna that I was compelled to say to myself: "Padna," ses I, "why the devil don"t you be sensible once in a while, and take a rest for yourself when you feel tired? What"s the use in wearing yourself out, and causing yourself unnecessary pain and torture, when in a few short years you will be as dead as decency, or disinterested kindness, which is no less than one and the same thing. And once you are dead, you are dead for ever and ever, and no one will bother their heads about you, or care whether you lived or not, or just existed, by trying to please every one but yourself. The man who tries to please everybody," ses I to myself, "won"t live half as long as one of the aristocracy, who don"t care where the money comes from so long as he has it to spend." And when all that was said, I then up and ses: "Padna," ses I, "that"s good sound advice, and don"t forget what I have told you." And then and there I made one jump and landed on top of a ditch, and as I looked over my shoulder into the field behind, what did I see but a pig and a clucking hen, and they exchanging salutations. And then they began to talk and this is what I heard:
""Good evening," ses the pig.
""Good evening kindly and good luck. How are you feeling to-day?" ses the hen.
""Just about the same as ever," ses the pig. "Sure, "tis a sad world for us all!"
"""Tis, G.o.d help us!" ses the hen. "But don"t start me crying again, this sorrowful day, for "tis myself who has shed a bucketful of tears, since my poor grandmother was choked this morning."
""I wouldn"t be crying about that, if I were you," ses the pig. "Sure, "tis as good to be choked as to have your head cut off with a rusty knife."
"""Tisn"t about that in particular that I have fumed and worried, and wept so copiously," ses the hen.
""And about what then?" ses the pig.
""About everything in general. The ingrat.i.tude of man, the presumption and a.s.sumption of women, and the consumption of ham and eggs," ses the hen.
""Ah, wisha, G.o.d knows," ses the pig, "you couldn"t waste your tears over a more worthy and likewise unworthy object. And like the pessimist that I am, myself, "tis but little respect that I have for man or woman either. Only for the fact that I have still some pride left, and wouldn"t like to disgrace my own family, I"d end my miserable existence by committing suicide, and drown myself in the horse pond."
""If you were to do the likes of that, you would sin against tradition, and only be sold as sausages. Whereas, if you were to die a natural death by strangulation, amputation of the head, or bisection of the windpipe, you would be sent to the best butcher"s shop in the town, and the different parts of your anatomy would be sold at the very highest rates, the same as all your family, relations and ancestors,"
ses the hen.
""Don"t mention my family or my ancestors to me. They were all sn.o.bs, each and every one of them,--father, mother, sisters, and brothers. "Twas little respect they ever had for myself, and always said that I was only fit to be used for sausages, anyway. As though, indeed, I didn"t come of as good a stock as the best of them."
""I often heard that you came of very respectable people," ses the hen.
""Respectable isn"t the name for them belonging to me. There were gentry, and no less, in our family."
""Is that so?" ses the hen.
""Yes, indeed, it is," ses the pig. ""Twas a piece of my great-great-great-great-grandfather"s great-grandfather that gave Napoleon indigestion before Waterloo. And that"s how he lost the day by giving wrong orders to his generals," ses the pig.
""And "twas from eating a bad egg," ses the hen, "that King George got the hiccoughs, and fell from his horse while reviewing his troops in France. And that"s how he won the Victoria Cross and got a rise of two and tuppence a week in his wages. Howsomever, be that as it may, "tis a pension yourself should have from the German and English Governments, instead of earning your living by eating yourself to death, so to speak. An aristocrat of your social standing should be living on some one else"s money, and your time should be divided between sleeping and eating, like all the other members of the fraternity."
""Oh," ses the pig, "my a.s.sociates and equals wouldn"t think of recognising me, unless I was fully dressed for dinner at some fashionable hotel or restaurant."
""Fully dressed!" ses the hen. "With bread crumbs on your hind quarters, you mean?"
""Yes," ses the pig.