Though there were tears in her eyes as she looked at him, she turned away, after an instant, with a flippant laugh.
"Why, it all sounds as if I were really unhappy!" she exclaimed, "but you won"t believe that, will you?"
"I"ll gladly believe otherwise when you prove it."
"But haven"t I proved it? Don"t I prove it every day I live?"
"You prove to me at this minute that you are particularly wretched," he returned.
"I am not--I am not," she retorted angrily, while a frown drew her dark brows together. "You have no right to think such things of me--they are not true."
"I have a right to think anything that occurs to me," he corrected quietly, "though I am willing to beg your pardon for putting it into words. Well, since you a.s.sure me that you are entirely happy, I can only say that I am overjoyed to hear it."
"I am happy," she insisted pa.s.sionately; and a little later when she was alone in the street, she told herself that a lie had become more familiar to her than the truth. The conversation with Adams appeared a mistake when she looked back upon it--for instead of lessening it seemed only to increase the weight of her troubles--so she determined presently to think no more either of Adams or of the reasons which had prompted her impulsive visit to him. To forget oneself! Yes, Gerty was right in the end, and the object of all society, all occupations, all amus.e.m.e.nts, showed to her now as so many unsuccessful attempts to escape the haunting particular curse of personality. Gerty escaped it by her frivolous pursuits and her interminable flirtations, which meant nothing; Kemper escaped it by living purely in the objective world of sense; Adams escaped it--The name checked her abruptly, and she stopped in her thoughts as if a light had flashed suddenly before her eyes.
Here, at last, was the explanation of happiness, she felt, and yet she felt also, that it presented itself to her mind in an enigma which she could not solve--for Adams, she recognised, had mastered, not escaped, his personality. The poison of bitterness was gone, but the effectiveness of power was still as great; and his temperament, in pa.s.sing through the fiery waters of experience, was mellowed into a charm which seemed less a fortunate grace of aspect than the result of a peculiar quality of vision. Was it his own life that had opened his eyes until he could look into the secret chambers in the lives of others?
In Gramercy Park she found Mrs. Payne waiting for her with the carriage, and she accepted almost eagerly the old lady"s invitation to spend the morning in a search for hats. At the moment it seemed to her that hats offered as promising an aid to forgetfulness as any other, and she threw herself immediately into the pursuit of them with an excitement which enabled her, for the time, at least, to extinguish the fierce hunger of her soul in supplying the more visible exactions of her body.
At luncheon Gerty appeared, wearing a startling French gown, which, she said, had just arrived that morning. After the first casual greeting they fell into an animated discussion of the choice of veils, during which Gerty declared that Laura had never selected the particular spots which would be most becoming to her features. "You get them too large and too far apart," she insisted, picking up a black net veil from a pile on Laura"s table, "even I with my silly nose can"t stand this kind."
Laura"s eyes were fixed upon her with their singular intensity of look, but in spite of the absorption of her gaze, she had not heard a single word that Gerty uttered.
"Yes, yes, you"re right," she said; but instead of thinking of the veils, she was wondering all the time if Gerty had really forgotten her jealousy of Madame Alta and the letter she had burned.
"I shall tell him this afternoon and that will make everything easy,"
she thought; and when, after a little frivolous conversation Gerty had remembered an engagement and driven hurriedly away, the situation appeared to Laura to have become perfectly smooth again. At the announcement of Kemper"s name, she crossed the room to meet him with this impulse still struggling for expression. "I shall tell him now, and then everything will be made easy," she repeated.
But when she opened her lips to speak, she found that the confession would not come into words, and what she really said was:
"It has been a century since yesterday, for I"ve done nothing but shop."
Laughing he caught her hands, and she saw with her first glance, that he was in one of his ironic moods.
"I thought I"d netted a wren," he answered, "but it seems I"ve caught a bird of Paradise."
"Then it was your ignorance of natural history, and not I, that deceived you," she retorted gayly, "because I didn"t spread my wings for you, did you imagine that they were not brilliant?"
There was a note almost of relief in her voice as she spoke--for she knew now that, so long as he refused to be serious, she could not tell him until to-morrow.
CHAPTER II
IN WHICH LAURA ENTERS THE VALLEY OF HUMILIATION
Two weeks later Laura was still able to a.s.sure herself that it was this lack of "seriousness" in Kemper"s manner which had kept her from alluding to the burned letter. Since the morning on which she had seen Adams, she felt that she had merely skimmed experience without actually touching it; and three days from the date of her marriage she was as far from any deeper understanding of the situation as she had been in the beginning of her love. In the end it was so much easier to ignore her difficulties than to face them; and it seemed to her now that she was forced almost in spite of herself into Gerty"s frivolous att.i.tude toward life. To evade the real--to crowd one"s existence with little lies until there was no s.p.a.ce left through which the larger truth might enter--this was the only solution which she had found ready for her immediate need.
Adams she had not met again; once he had called, but impelled by a shrinking which was almost one of fear, she had turned back on the threshold and refused to see him. Even Gerty she had tried to avoid since the afternoon in Kemper"s rooms, but Gerty, who was in her gayest mood, drove down every day "to overturn," as she carelessly remarked, "the newest presents."
"I"m heartily glad you"re going to Europe," she said, "and I hope by the time you come back you"ll have lost that nervous look in your face. It never used to be there and I don"t like it."
At her words Laura threw an alarmed glance at the mirror; then she turned her head with a laugh in which there was a note of bitterness.
"It came there in my effort to make conversation," she answered. "I"ve been engaged to Arnold eight months and we"ve talked out every subject that we have in common. Do you know what it is to be in love with a man and yet to rack your brain for something to say to him?" she finished merrily.
"That"s because you ought to have married Roger Adams, as I was the only one to suggest," retorted Gerty, "then you"d have had conversation enough to flow on, without a pause, till Judgment Day. It"s a very good thing, too," she added seriously, "because the real bug-a-boo of marriage is boredom, you know."
"But how can two people bore each other when they are in love?" demanded Laura, almost indignant.
The possibility appeared to her at the moment as little short of ridiculous, yet she knew, in her heart of hearts, that she faced, not without approaching dread, the thought of those two months in Europe; and she admitted now for the first time that beyond the absorption of their love, she and Kemper had hardly an interest which they shared.
Even the eyes with which they looked on Europe would be divided by the s.p.a.ce of that whole inner world which stretched between them. Yet because of the supremacy of this one sentiment she had striven to crush out her brain in order that she might have the larger heart with which to nourish the emotion which held them together. In the pauses of this sentiment she realised that their thoughts sprang as far asunder as the poles, and as she looked from Gerty to the wedding presents scattered in satin boxes on chairs and tables, the fact that the step she took was irrevocable, that in three days she would be Kemper"s wife, that there was no possible escape from it now, produced a sudden sickening terror in her heart. Then with a desperate clutch at her old fatalistic comfort, she told herself that it would all come right if she were only patient--that with her marriage everything would be settled and become entirely simple.
Gerty was unpacking a case from a silversmith"s when Kemper came in; and he gave a low whistle of dismay as he glanced about the room strewn with boxes.
"By Jove, I believe they think we"re going to set up a business!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, you can"t imagine how all this comes in for entertaining," replied Gerty, shaking out her skirt as she rose from her knees.
Laura"s eyes were on Kemper"s face, and she saw that it wore a look of annoyance beneath the conventional smile with which he responded to Gerty"s words. Something had evidently happened to displease him, and she waited a little anxiously half hoping for, half dreading her friend"s departure.
"I trust you"ll go through the ceremony more gracefully than Perry did,"
Gerty was saying with a teasing merriment, while she broke a white rosebud from the vase of flowers and fastened it in his coat. "I declare he quite spoiled the whole effect, he looked so frightened. I never realised how little sense of humour Perry has until I saw him at the altar."
"Well, it isn"t exactly a joke, you know," retorted Kemper.
For the first time, as Laura watched him, she remembered that he had been through it all before without her; and the thought entered her heart like a dagger, that even now there was another woman alive somewhere in the world who had been his wife--who had been almost as much loved, almost as close to him as she herself was to-day. The thought sickened her, and she felt again her blind terror of a step so irrevocable.
Gerty had gone at last; and Kemper, after walking twice up and down the room, stopped to examine a silver coffee service with an attention which was so evidently a.s.sumed that Laura was convinced he might as well have fixed his gaze upon the fireplace. His thoughts were busily occupied in quite an opposite direction from his eyes, for turning presently, he laid down the sugar bowl he had picked up, and went rapidly to the mantel piece, where he took down a photograph of Roger Adams.
"You don"t see much of Adams now?" he remarked enquiringly.
"Not much," she went over to the mantel and glanced carelessly at the picture in his hand. "I never shall again."
"How"s that? and why?"
"Oh, I don"t know--one never sees much of one"s friends after marriage, somehow. To supply the world to me," she added gayly, "is a part of the responsibility of your position."
Though his gaze was fixed intently upon her face, she saw clearly that he had hardly taken in her words, for while she spoke his hands wandered to the inside pocket of his coat, as if he wished to make sure of a letter he had placed there.
"By the way, Laura, a queer thing happened to-day," he said, frowning.
She looked up a little startled.
"A queer thing?"
"I had a letter from Madame Alta asking why I hadn"t sold some stock I"d been holding for her? She lost a good deal by my not selling and she was in a devilish temper about it."