I nodded.
He said, "We both know where I was when you found me, and we know what you did. It gives me rights that other people don"t have."
I nodded.
"I"m going to hurt you too," he said. "We"re the only ones that can, me and Susan. And inevitably I"ll do it too."
"Can"t be helped," I said.
"No." Paul said. "It can"t. What"s happened to you is that you"ve left Susan inside, and you"ve let me inside. Before us you were invulnerable. You were compa.s.sionate but safe, you understand? You could set those standards for your own behavior and if other people didn"t meet those standards it was their loss, but your integrity was..."- he thought for a minute-"... intact. You weren"t disappointed. You didn"t expect much from other people and were content with the Tightness of yourself."
I leaned my forehead against the cold window gla.s.s. I was drunk.
"And now?" I said.
"And now," Paul said, "you"ve f.u.c.ked it up. You love Susan and you love me."
I nodded with my forehead still against the window. "And the Tightness of myself is no longer enough."
"Yes," Paul said. He took a large swallow of whiskey. "You were complete, and now you"re not. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you wonder if you were ever right. You"ve operated on instinct and the conviction that your instincts would be right. But if you were wrong, maybe your instincts were wrong. It"s not just missing Susan that"s busting your chops."
" "Margaret, are you grieving," " I said, " "over Golden-grove unleaving?" "
"Who"s that?" Paul said.
"Hopkins," I said. "Gerard Manley Hopkins."
"There"s a better one from The Great Gatsby," Paul said. "The part just before he"s shot, about losing the old warm world..."
" "Paid a high price for living too long with a single dream," " I said.
"That"s the one," Paul said.
Chapter 14.
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, Paul was back at Sarah Lawrence College. I was back in my one-room office with a view of the art director on the corner of Berkeley and Boylston. It was 9:15 a.m. and I was reading the Globe and drinking some coffee. Today was the day I would have only two cups. I drank the last of the first one when my office door opened and Vinnie Morris came in. Behind him came a large blank-faced guy with a hairline that started just above his eyebrows.
Vinnie was my age, a good-looking guy with a thick black mustache and his hair cut sort of longish over the ears. He was wearing a black continental-cut suit and a white shirt with a white tie. His camel"s hair coat was unbelted and hung open and the fringed ends of a white silk scarf showed against the dark suit. He had on black gloves. The big guy behind him wore a plaid overcoat, and a navy watch cap on the back of his head like a yarmulke. His nose was thick, and there was a lot of scar tissue around his eyes.
"Vinnie," I said.
Vinnie nodded, took off his gloves, put them together, and placed them on the top of my desk. He sat in my office chair. His large companion stayed by the door.
"You got any coffee?" Vinnie said to me.
"Nope, just finished a cup I brought with me."
Vinnie nodded. "Ed, go get us two coffees," Vinnie said. "Both black."
"Hey, Vinnie," Ed said. "I ain"t no errand boy."
Vinnie turned his head and looked at him. Ed"s septum had been deviated enough so he had trouble breathing through it. I could hear the faint whistle it made.
"Two black," Ed said.
"Large," I said.
"Two large," Vinnie said.
Ed nodded and went out.
"Slipping punches wasn"t his long suit," I said. "You still with Broz?"
Vinnie nodded.
"Joe send you over?" I said.
Vinnie shook his head.
I leaned back in my chair and waited.
"You been in Springfield?" Vinnie said.
I nodded.
"You been making a pain in the b.a.l.l.s of yourself in Springfield?"
"It"s the least I can do," I said. "Spread it around."
Vinnie nodded patiently. "Want to tell me what you been doing out there?"
"No."
"It"s one of the reasons I like you, Spenser. I can always count on you to be a hard-on. Really consistent, you know. A hard-on every time."
"Well, if I ever fail you, Vinnie, it won"t be for lack of trying."
Vinnie grinned. There wasn"t a lot of warmth in the grin, but it seemed real enough. It was probably as warm as Vinnie could get.
Ed came back in with the coffee in a paper sack. He"d bought one for himself. I wondered if that was considered exceeding orders. Rebellious b.a.s.t.a.r.d.
"Thanks, Ed," I said when he put mine on the desk. I took the cover off and put it into the wastebasket, then I reached over and took Vinnie"s cover and dropped it into the wastebasket. I sipped some. First sip of the day"s last cup. Coffee got me sort of jumpy lately. Time to cut back. Man of iron will, no problem. I"d begin cutting back today.
Ed tore a little half circle out of the cover of his coffee. He put the torn-out piece back into the empty bag and put the bag on the corner of my desk. I took it and put it into the trash. Neat work s.p.a.ce, orderly mind. I drank the second sip of my last cup of the day. Ed slurped some of his coffee through the hole he"d torn in the cover.
Vinnie said, "You went and talked with Louis Nolan. You told him that I sent you. How come?"
"I wanted to see if he was connected to you and Joe."
"And?"
I shrugged. "And he is. He jumped up and lapped my face when I mentioned your name. Offered me some fruit." I sipped more coffee and smiled at him. "And here you are."
"You know more than that," Vinnie said. "You know he put those two stumbleb.u.ms to work on my job."
"Yes," I said. "I do know that."
"So, what do you make of it?"
"You wanted Alexander"s attention," I said. "You wanted to remind him of the kind of folks he was dealing with. So you had Louis hire a couple of local biceps to lean on anyone at all in Alexander"s campaign. Couple of college kids were easy, and the two stiffs went for them."
Vinnie looked at me for a long minute. Without moving his eyes he said, "Ed, wait in the corridor."
Ed turned and went out and closed the door behind him. Vinnie got up and moved his chair around so he was sitting beside me.
"What do you figure we want from Alexander?" he said. His voice was soft. Ed couldn"t hear it if his ear were flat to the door.
"I figure you want him to lose."
"Because?"
"Because you have a piece of Robert Browne and you and Joe like only sure things."
Vinnie nodded thoughtfully. I drank a bit more coffee. Two cups a day was plenty.
"You"re still good," Vinnie said. "You always been good, and you haven"t slipped any."
"Kind of you to say, Vinnie."
"How"d you make the connection?"
"Saw you in the background of a Browne campaign picture."
"What made you look?" Vinnie said.
"Somebody interferes with Alexander"s campaign," I said. "Browne"s a logical suspect. I just started looking at everything I could find on him."
Vinnie drank some coffee. I wondered if he needed to cut back. He was about my age. Looked healthy, but you never could tell. You wake up one day and find you have to cut back on coffee. Scoundrel time.
Vinnie was shaking his head. "You wouldn"t go to the trouble," he said. "You wouldn"t trace it all the way back to me just over a couple of gofers getting jostled."
I waited. Vinnie was thinking things over. There was a little coffee left. I drank half of it. If I always drank just half of the remainder, it would never run out.
"Okay," Vinnie said, "we"re in it. You know we"re in it, and I"m betting you know how far."
I smiled.
"You know we got the films of Mrs. Alexander."
I smiled again.
"Alexander told you, and sicked you onto it. You came back from Springfield and did your research because you figured it was Browne okay, but not because of the small scuffle we organized. Because of the films. He show you the films?"
I smiled.
"Get a look if you can. Broad"s really something-got an excellent-looking bush. Anyway, you did your research, saw that picture, went out to Springfield, and did what you did."
I drank the last of the coffee. Half each time was only a theory. Like a tree falling soundlessly in the woods.
"It was a mistake," Vinnie said. "Ha.s.sling Alexander"s staff was a mistake. But..."-he spread his hands-"spilt milk. The question we have before us, you might say, is where do we go from here?"
"If you drink too much coffee, doesn"t it bother you?" I said.
"No, drink it all day. Doesn"t do a thing. You want Ed to get some more?"
"No."
"So where do we go, Spenser?"
"Maybe I can try tea, or some of that decaffeinated stuff."
"Stop," Vinnie said. "That stuff"s slop. Coffee or nothing is the way I go."
I nodded.
Vinnie said, "Besides your problems with caffeine, you got any thoughts on our situation?"
"You got something on Mrs. Alexander and I want it and you don"t want me to have it," I said.
"And we don"t want you trying to get it," Vinnie said.
"But I"m going to get it anyway."
Vinnie nodded. "We could go public with the films if you get annoying."
"And then you"ve shot your hold on Alexander," I said. " "Freedom"s just another word for nothing left to lose.""
"Yeah, but his chances of election are zilch."
"Maybe not," I said. "Maybe he rises above it. Maybe it backfires and people suspect Browne of the whole thing and give Alexander the sympathy vote."
It was warm in my office. Vinnie got up and took off his overcoat and folded it carefully over the back of my other office chair.