"Oh yes, there is, dear--if you love him."
"That has nothing to do with it. Of course I love him. Haven"t I said so?
But that doesn"t make any difference. Can"t I love him without being engaged to--to--to a man who has to go to jail?"
"Certainly; but you can"t love him if you don"t feel that you must--that you simply _must_--stand by his side."
"There you go again, Miriam, with your queer ideas. It"s exactly what any one would expect you to say."
"I hope so."
"Oh, you needn"t hope so, because they would--any one who knew you. But I have to do what"s right. I know what I feel in my conscience--and I have to follow it. And besides, I couldn"t--I couldn"t"--her voice began to rise again--"I couldn"t face it--I couldn"t bear it--not if I loved him a great deal better than I do."
"That"s something you must think about very seriously, dear--"
"I don"t have to!" she cried, with a stamp of her foot. "I know it already. It wouldn"t make any difference if I thought about it a thousand years. I couldn"t be engaged to a man who was in jail, not if I worshipped the ground he trod on."
"But when he"s innocent, darling--"
"It"s jail, just the same. I can"t be engaged to people just because they"re innocent. It isn"t right to expect it of me. And, anyhow," she added, pa.s.sionately, "I can"t do it. It would kill me. I should never lift my head again. I can"t--I can"t. It"s hateful of any one to say I ought to. I"m surprised at you, Miriam, when you know how dear mamma would have forbidden it. It"s all very well for you to give advice, when you have no family--and no one to think about--and hardly any invitations-- Well, I can"t, and there"s an end of it. If that"s your idea of love, then, I must say, my conception is a little different. I"ve always had high ideals, and I feel obliged to hold to them, however you may condemn me."
She ended with a catch in her breath something like a sob.
"But I"m not condemning you, Evie dear. If you feel what you say, there"s nothing for it but to see Mr. Ford and tell him so."
At this suggestion Evie sobered. She was a long time silent before she observed, in a voice that had become suddenly calm and significantly casual, "That"s easy for you to say."
"If you speak to him as decidedly as to me, I should think it would be easy for you to do."
"And still easier for you."
Evie spoke in that tone of unintentional intention which is most pointed.
It was not lost on Miriam, who recoiled from the mere thought. It seemed to her better to ignore the hint, but Evie, with feverish eagerness, refused to let it pa.s.s.
"Did you hear what I said?" she persisted, sharply.
"I heard it, dear; but it didn"t seem to me to mean anything."
"That would depend on whether you heard it only with the ear or in the heart."
"You know that everything that has to do with you is in my heart."
"Well, then?"
"But if you mean by that that I should tell Mr. Ford you"re not going to marry him--why, it"s out of the question."
"Then who"s to tell him? _I_ can"t. It"s not to be expected."
"But, darling, you must. This is awful."
Miriam got up and went toward her, but Evie, who was nervously brushing her hair, edged away.
"Of course it"s awful, but I don"t see the use of making it worse than it need be. He"ll feel it a great deal more if he sees me, and so shall I."
"And what shall I feel?" Miriam spoke unguardedly, but Evie was too preoccupied to notice the bitterness of the tone.
"I don"t see why you should feel anything at all. It"s nothing to you--or very little. It wouldn"t be your fault; not any more than it"s the postman"s if he has to bring you a letter with bad news."
Miriam went back to her place on the edge of the couch, where with her forehead bowed for a minute on her hand she sat reflecting. An overwhelming desire for confidence, for sympathy perhaps, for the clearing up of mysteries in any case, was impelling her to tell Evie all that had ever happened between Ford and herself. It had been necessary to maintain so many reserves that possibly this new light would enable Evie to see her own duty more straightforwardly.
"Darling," she began, "I want to tell you something--"
But before she could proceed Evie flung the hair-brush on the floor and uttered a great swelling sob. With her hands hanging at her sidess and her golden head thrown back, she wept with the abandonment of a child, while suggesting the seraphic suffering of a grieving angel by some old master.
In an instant Miriam had her in her arms. It was the appeal she had never been able to resist.
"There, there, my pet," she said, soothingly, drawing her to the couch.
"Come to Miriam, who loves you. There, there."
Evie clung to her piteously, with flower-like face tilted outward and upward for the greater convenience of weeping.
"Oh, I"m so lonely!" she sobbed. "I"m so lonely ... I I wish dear mamma ... hadn"t died."
Miriam pressed her the more closely.
"I"m so lonely ... and everything"s so strange ... and I don"t know what to do ... and he"s going to be put in jail ... and you"re so unkind to me.... Oh, dear! ... I can"t tell him ... I can"t tell him ... I can"t ...
I can"t ..."
She pillowed her head on Miriam"s shoulder, like a child that would force a caress from the hand that has just been striking it. The action filled Miriam with that kind of self-reproach which the weak creature inspires so easily in the strong. In spite of her knowledge to the contrary, she had the feeling of having acted selfishly.
"No, darling," she said, at last, as Evie"s sobs subdued into convulsive tremblings, "you needn"t tell him. I"ll see him. He"ll understand how hard it"s been for you. It"s been hard for every one--and especially for you, darling. I"ll do my best. You know I will. And I"m sure he"ll understand.
There, there," she comforted, as Evie"s tears broke out afresh. "Have your cry out, dear. It will do you good. There, there."
So Evie went back next day to Lenox, while Miriam waited for Ford.
XXII
A few days later she read his name, in a morning paper, in the _Asiatic"s_ list of pa.s.sengers the steamer having arrived at quarantine the night before: Mr. John Norrie Ford. Though flung carelessly into a paragraph printed in small type, it seemed to blaze in fire on the page! It was as if all America must rise at it. As she looked from the window it was with something like surprise that she saw the stream of traffic roaring onward, heedless of the fact that this dread name was being hawked in the streets and sold at the news-stands. She sent out for the evening papers that appear at midday, being relieved and astonished to find that as yet it had created no sensation.
She was not deceived by his ease of manner when he appeared at the apartment in the afternoon. Though he carried his head loftily, and smiled with his habitual air of confidence, she could see that the deep waters of the proud had gone over his soul. Their ebb had streaked his hair and beard with white, and deepened the wrinkles that meant concentrated will into the furrows that come of suffering. She was more or less prepared for that. It was the outward manifestation of what she had read between the lines of the letters he had written her. As he crossed the room, with hand outstretched, her one conscious thought was of the chance to be a woman and a helpmeet Evie had flung away. She had noticed how, on the very threshold, he had glanced twice about the room, expecting to find her there.
They did not speak of her at once. They talked of commonplace introductory things--the voyage, the arrival, the hotel at which he was staying--anything that would help her, and perhaps him, to control the preliminary nervousness. There was no sign of it, however, on his part, while she felt her own spirit rising, as it always did, to meet emergencies. Presently she mentioned her fears regarding his use of his true name.