"I"ve exactly," she said, "been wondering if they won"t. I think I shall try. But if I get it I shall cling to it." They were talking sincerely. "It will be my life--paid for as that. It will become my great gilded sh.e.l.l; so that those who wish to find me must come and hunt me up."
"Ah then you _will_ be alive," said Lord Mark.
"Well, not quite extinct perhaps, but shrunken, wasted, wizened; rattling about here like the dried kernel of a nut."
"Oh," Lord Mark returned, "we, much as you mistrust us, can do better for you than that."
"In the sense that you"ll feel it better for me really to have it over?"
He let her see now that she worried him, and after a look at her, of some duration, without his gla.s.ses--which always altered the expression of his eyes--he re-settled the nippers on his nose and went back to the view. But the view, in turn, soon enough released him. "Do you remember something I said to you that day at Matcham--or at least fully meant to?"
"Oh yes, I remember everything at Matcham. It"s another life."
"Certainly it will be--I mean the kind of thing: what I then wanted it to represent for you. Matcham, you know," he continued, "is symbolic. I think I tried to rub that into you a little."
She met him with the full memory of what he had tried--not an inch, not an ounce of which was lost to her. "What I meant is that it seems a hundred years ago."
"Oh for me it comes in better. Perhaps a part of what makes me remember it," he pursued, "is that I was quite aware of what might have been said about what I was doing. I wanted you to take it from me that I should perhaps be able to look after you--well, rather better. Rather better, of course, than certain other persons in particular."
"Precisely--than Mrs. Lowder, than Miss Croy, even than Mrs. Stringham."
"Oh Mrs. Stringham"s all right!" Lord Mark promptly amended.
It amused her even with what she had else to think of; and she could show him at all events how little, in spite of the hundred years, she had lost what he alluded to. The way he was with her at this moment made in fact the other moment so vivid as almost to start again the tears it had started at the time. "You could do so much for me, yes. I perfectly understood you."
"I wanted, you see," he despite this explained, "to _fix_ your confidence. I mean, you know, in the right place."
"Well, Lord Mark, you did--it"s just exactly now, my confidence, where you put it then. The only difference," said Milly, "is that I seem now to have no use for it. Besides," she then went on, "I do seem to feel you disposed to act in a way that would undermine it a little."
He took no more notice of these last words than if she hadn"t said them, only watching her at present as with a gradual new light. "Are you _really_ in any trouble?"
To this, on her side, she gave no heed. Making out his light was a little a light for herself. "Don"t say, don"t try to say, anything that"s impossible. There are much better things you can do."
He looked straight at it and then straight over it. "It"s too monstrous that one can"t ask you as a friend what one wants so to know."
"What is it you want to know?" She spoke, as by a sudden turn, with a slight hardness. "Do you want to know if I"m badly ill?"
The sound of it in truth, though from no raising of her voice, invested the idea with a kind of terror, but a terror all for others. Lord Mark winced and flushed--clearly couldn"t help it; but he kept his att.i.tude together and spoke even with unwonted vivacity. "Do you imagine I can see you suffer and not say a word?"
"You won"t see me suffer--don"t be afraid. I shan"t be a public nuisance. That"s why I should have liked _this:_ it"s so beautiful in itself and yet it"s out of the gangway. You won"t know anything about anything," she added; and then as if to make with decision an end: "And you _don"t!_ No, not even you." He faced her through it with the remains of his expression, and she saw him as clearly--for _him_--bewildered; which made her wish to be sure not to have been unkind. She would be kind once for all; that would be the end. "I"m very badly ill."
"And you don"t do anything?"
"I do everything. Everything"s _this_," she smiled. "I"m doing it now.
One can"t do more than live."
"Ah than live in the right way, no. But is that what you do? Why haven"t you advice?"
He had looked about at the rococo elegance as if there were fifty things it didn"t give her, so that he suggested with urgency the most absent. But she met his remedy with a smile. "I"ve the best advice in the world. I"m acting under it now. I act upon it in receiving you, in talking with you thus. One can"t, as I tell you, do more than live."
"Oh live!" Lord Mark e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed.
"Well, it"s immense for _me_." She finally spoke as if for amus.e.m.e.nt; now that she had uttered her truth, that he had learnt it from herself as no one had yet done, her emotion had, by the fact, dried up. There she was; but it was as if she would never speak again. "I shan"t," she added, "have missed everything."
"Why should you have missed _anything?_" She felt, as he sounded this, to what, within the minute, he had made up his mind. "You"re the person in the world for whom that"s least necessary; for whom one would call it in fact most impossible; for whom "missing" at all will surely require an extraordinary amount of misplaced good will. Since you believe in advice, for G.o.d"s sake take _mine_. I know what you want."
Oh she knew he would know it. But she had brought it on herself--or almost. Yet she spoke with kindness. "I think I want not to be too much worried."
"You want to be adored." It came at last straight. "Nothing would worry you less. I mean as I shall do it. It _is_ so"--he firmly kept it up.
"You"re not loved enough."
"Enough for what, Lord Mark?"
"Why to get the full good of it."
Well, she didn"t after all mock at him. "I see what you mean. That full good of it which consists in finding one"s self forced to love in return." She had grasped it, but she hesitated. "Your idea is that I might find myself forced to love _you?_"
"Oh "forced"--!" He was so fine and so expert, so awake to anything the least ridiculous, and of a type with which the preaching of pa.s.sion somehow so ill consorted--he was so much all these things that he had absolutely to take account of them himself. And he did so, in a single intonation, beautifully. Milly liked him again, liked him for such shades as that, liked him so that it was woeful to see him spoiling it, and still more woeful to have to rank him among those minor charms of existence that she gasped at moments to remember she must give up. "Is it inconceivable to you that you might try?"
"To be so favourably affected by you--?"
"To believe in me. To believe in me," Lord Mark repeated.
Again she hesitated. "To "try" in return for your trying?"
"Oh I shouldn"t have to!" he quickly declared. The prompt neat accent, however, his manner of disposing of her question, failed of real expression, as he himself the next moment intelligently, helplessly, almost comically saw--a failure pointed moreover by the laugh into which Milly was immediately startled. As a suggestion to her of a healing and uplifting pa.s.sion it _was_ in truth deficient; it wouldn"t do as the communication of a force that should sweep them both away.
And the beauty of him was that he too, even in the act of persuasion, of self-persuasion, could understand that, and could thereby show but the better as fitting into the pleasant commerce of prosperity. The way she let him see that she looked at him was a thing to shut him out, of itself, from services of danger, a thing that made a discrimination against him never yet made--made at least to any consciousness of his own. Born to float in a sustaining air, this would be his first encounter with a judgement formed in the sinister light of tragedy. The gathering dusk of _her_ personal world presented itself to him, in her eyes, as an element in which it was vain for him to pretend he could find himself at home, since it was charged with depressions and with dooms, with the chill of the losing game. Almost without her needing to speak, and simply by the fact that there could be, in such a case, no decent subst.i.tute for a felt intensity, he had to take it from her that practically he was afraid--whether afraid to protest falsely enough, or only afraid of what might be eventually disagreeable in a compromised alliance, being a minor question. She believed she made out besides, wonderful girl, that he had never quite expected to have to protest about anything beyond his natural convenience--more, in fine, than his disposition and habits, his education as well, his personal _moyens_, in short, permitted. His predicament was therefore one he couldn"t like, and also one she willingly would have spared him hadn"t he brought it on himself. No man, she was quite aware, could enjoy thus having it from her that he wasn"t good for what she would have called her reality. It wouldn"t have taken much more to enable her positively to make out in him that he was virtually capable of hinting--had his innermost feeling spoken--at the propriety rather, in his interest, of some cutting down, some dressing up, of the offensive real. He would meet that halfway, but the real must also meet _him_. Milly"s sense of it for herself, which was so conspicuously, so financially supported, couldn"t, or wouldn"t, so accommodate him, and the perception of that fairly showed in his face after a moment like the smart of a blow. It had marked the one minute during which he could again be touching to her. By the time he had tried once more, after all, to insist, he had quite ceased to be so.
By this time she had turned from their window to make a diversion, had walked him through other rooms, appealing again to the inner charm of the place, going even so far for that purpose as to point afresh her independent moral, to repeat that if one only had such a house for one"s own and loved it and cherished it enough, it would pay one back in kind, would close one in from harm. He quite grasped for the quarter of an hour the perch she held out to him--grasped it with one hand, that is, while she felt him attached to his own clue with the other; he was by no means either so sore or so stupid, to do him all justice, as not to be able to behave more or less as if nothing had happened. It was one of his merits, to which she did justice too, that both his native and his acquired notion of behaviour rested on the general a.s.sumption that nothing--nothing to make a deadly difference for him--ever _could_ happen. It was, socially, a working view like another, and it saw them easily enough through the greater part of the rest of their adventure. Downstairs again, however, with the limit of his stay in sight, the sign of his smarting, when all was said, reappeared for her--breaking out moreover, with an effect of strangeness, in another quite possibly sincere allusion to her state of health. He might for that matter have been seeing what he could do in the way of making it a grievance that she should snub him for a charity, on his own part, exquisitely roused. "It"s true, you know, all the same, and I don"t care a straw for your trying to freeze one up."
He seemed to show her, poor man, bravely, how little he cared.
"Everybody knows affection often makes things out when indifference doesn"t notice. And that"s why I know that _I_ notice."
"Are you sure you"ve got it right?" the girl smiled. "I thought rather that affection was supposed to be blind."
"Blind to faults, not to beauties," Lord Mark promptly returned.
"And are my extremely private worries, my entirely domestic complications, which I"m ashamed to have given you a glimpse of--are they beauties?"
"Yes, for those who care for you--as every one does. Everything about you is a beauty. Besides which I don"t believe," he declared, "in the seriousness of what you tell me. It"s too absurd you should have _any_ trouble about which something can"t be done. If you can"t get the right thing, who can, in all the world, I should like to know? You"re the first young woman of your time. I mean what I say." He looked, to do him justice, quite as if he did; not ardent, but clear--simply so competent, in such a position, to compare, that his quiet a.s.sertion had the force not so much perhaps of a tribute as of a warrant. "We"re all in love with you. I"ll put it that way, dropping any claim of my own, if you can bear it better. I speak as one of the lot. You weren"t born simply to torment us--you were born to make us happy. Therefore you must listen to us."
She shook her head with her slowness, but this time with all her mildness. "No, I mustn"t listen to you--that"s just what I mustn"t do.
The reason is, please, that it simply kills me. I must be as attached to you as you will, since you give that lovely account of yourselves. I give you in return the fullest possible belief of what it would be--"
And she pulled up a little. "I give and give and give--there you are; stick to me as close as you like and see if I don"t. Only I can"t listen or receive or accept--I can"t _agree_. I can"t make a bargain. I can"t really. You must believe that from me. It"s all I"ve wanted to say to you, and why should it spoil anything?"
He let her question fall--though clearly, it might have seemed, because, for reasons or for none, there was so much that _was_ spoiled.
"You want somebody of your own." He came back, whether in good faith or in bad, to that; and it made her repeat her headshake. He kept it up as if his faith were of the best. "You want somebody, you want somebody."
She was to wonder afterwards if she hadn"t been at this juncture on the point of saying something emphatic and vulgar--"Well, I don"t at all events want _you!_" What somehow happened, nevertheless, the pity of it being greater than the irritation--the sadness, to her vivid sense, of his being so painfully astray, wandering in a desert in which there was nothing to nourish him--was that his error amounted to positive wrongdoing. She was moreover so acquainted with quite another sphere of usefulness for him that her having suffered him to insist almost convicted her of indelicacy. Why hadn"t she stopped him off with her first impression of his purpose? She could do so now only by the allusion she had been wishing not to make. "Do you know I don"t think you"re doing very right?--and as a thing quite apart, I mean, from my listening to you. That"s not right either--except that I"m _not_ listening. You oughtn"t to have come to Venice to see _me_--and in fact you"ve not come, and you mustn"t behave as if you had. You"ve much older friends than I, and ever so much better. Really, if you"ve come at all, you can only have come--properly, and if I may say so honourably--for the best friend, as I believe her to be, that you have in the world."