Being the Author Many people live their lives by circ.u.mstance rather than on purpose. They hope that things will go right and that things going right will lead to a rich and meaningful life. But what if the circ.u.mstances don"t line up? At the risk of sounding gloomy and pessimistic, we"ve repeated this point again and again throughout the book: despite your best efforts, things might not turn out the way you hope. There is a lot in this world that is simply beyond your direct control. Sometimes life gives us a beating, and as we discussed in chapter 2, when that happens humans typically do some version of running, fighting, or hiding. Then they wait for things to get better. But waiting for things to be right often leads to long periods of disconnection and inactivity. Another thing that happens is that people have things in their lives that they really value, but they become distracted from these very important things. You can plan and strategize and take all the precautions in the world-you can even do everything right, whatever that means-and you still might not get the outcomes you"re after.
If you live your life on purpose rather than by circ.u.mstance, though, you kind of need to set aside that circ.u.mstance-driven preoccupation with outcomes. You can choose the direction you want to head, intentionally and on purpose, and you can move yourself in that direction with moment-by-moment guidance. The world will do with you what it will, so it"s never going to be clear whether you"ll get to one place or the other, despite your intentions. But at each moment of your life, if you have your direction clearly in mind, you can do something that will move you toward it. This kind of purposeful life takes practice and lots of psychological flexibility. In this chapter, we"ll outline the practice.
Another thing worth mentioning before we get going: From an ACT perspective, it"s the values you choose and use to orient your life that justify and dignify the hard and difficult work you"ll certainly encounter as you go along. This is true for all areas of experience, but it seems somehow more poignantly true in the area of substance abuse. If you"re addicted to alcohol or drugs, and that addiction is robbing you of your life one day at a time, quitting is going to be hard, and moderating is going to be hard. More than hard: recovery is going to be painful. There will likely be times when you feel like giving up. In this way of working through these issues, the values you choose are those things to which you can hitch your star, as it were. When every part of you is screaming, Why am I doing this to myself?!, your values give you an answer: Because something matters to me. I choose this life.
Will You Let Traveling Be Enough?
I was asked by a good friend, "How long did it take you to get all this?"-meaning all this ACT and acceptance stuff. "How long before you started to live your life this way-consistently and serenely? Do you have a sense of how long it takes most people?"
I understand the concern, and ruminating on these questions is unanswerable, unhelpful, and a.s.sumes things about me, and others, that are simply not reflective of my experience.
Am I pretty good at this? Better some days, worse others. Better in some areas, worse in others. Generally better at it than I was twenty-five years ago? Sure.
I have never arrived anywhere, though.
Never.
So "How long?" is not an answerable question. Investing in the question "When will serenity arrive?" will produce little serenity.
Do you know what a new yoga pract.i.tioner does? Practice. Do you know what a yogi who has been at it for twenty-five years does? Practice. Do you know what a new meditator does? Practice. Do you know what a meditator who has been at it for twenty-five years does? Practice And musicians, and dancers, and athletes, and fathers, and brothers, and...
And do you know what a new ACT-interested person does? Practice. Do you know what an ACT-interested person who has been at it for twenty-five years does? Practice.
That"s all I do. Practice.
Practice is like traveling. It doesn"t have a destination. Think about yoga. Is there a single pose that does not have an extension, or another transition in or transition out of the pose? Or a pose that could not be put together with some other poses in a new way?
How long to arrive? Never. This is like asking how long it takes to get west. I am headed west. I am not headed to San Francisco. I am in the business of traveling, not of arriving. Destinations are illusion.
How long to "Get good at ACT"? Longer if you invest time and energy in wondering when you will "get good" or arrive.
In fact, about the time you think you have arrived, watch out! You are likely about to b.u.mp your head. They say "Pride goeth before a fall"-and they say it with good reason. This doesn"t mean that you shouldn"t appreciate the movement of your life in a direction you could love. It just means that you should stay humble and recognize that there will always be more traveling to do.
Why? If you are heading west and stop the car constantly to get a reading on how "close" you are, you will always be disappointed, because the distance west will always stretch out into infinity, no matter how far you travel. However far you have come will seem pitiful if you are comparing it to the infinite distance that stretches before you. And, those stops, if long enough and frequent enough, will end your travels.
Stops are not bad. In fact, good traveling involves pausing to reflect on the way taken and the way forward. But reflection is not the same as its life-sucking twin cousins worry and rumination.
Bottom line: Practice, and (my advice) declare practice to be enough. Travel, and declare traveling to be enough. I don"t mean that you should cause yourself to "feel" that it is enough or cause yourself to "think" it is enough. "Enough" occurs in the very moment you choose to invest yourself in your practice rather than ruminating and worrying over your progress or whether you have your thoughts about progress all properly arranged.
Life isn"t a destination. It"s a journey. This isn"t the least bit original, of course. It"s the wisdom of the ages, and it seems to me a useful view.
Science and Values We"ve tried throughout this book to talk directly to you about problems you might be facing in your life. We"ve tried very hard to leave technical-sounding stuff out of the discussion. In the area of valued living, though, it"s worth mentioning that there is compelling evidence that living your life according to a plan of your choosing-that is, living a life that you personally value-is good for you. Active engagement with values is an important part of staying healthy.
For example, Cohen and colleagues in a 2006 study had students rank a set of values and write briefly about either a low-ranked value or a high-ranked value. The values were things like "being a good artist" or "relations with friends," for example. When Cohen and colleagues looked at African-American students who were performing moderately well and especially students who were at risk of academic problems, he found that they had a lessened experience of feeling racially stereotyped and that they achieved higher grades over the course of the study if they wrote a bit about a high-ranked value, but not if they wrote about a low ranked value.
In another study, done in 2005, Creswell had students rate valued outcomes and then give a five-minute speech about either their first- or fifth-ranked value. All of the students were then subjected to a stressful laboratory task. The experimenters measured response to the stress task in three ways: blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol response. Cortisol is a hormone produced under stressful conditions. High cortisol responses are not harmful if they occur infrequently and for short periods. However, over the long term, these high cortisol responses make people less resilient and more p.r.o.ne to mental and physical illness. Although heart rate and blood pressure went up equally for people giving both types of speeches, the cortisol responses were different. Students who gave speeches about something they valued less had a larger cortisol response than the students who gave a speech about their highest value. So, even though the students who spoke about their top value became aroused during the stressor, the harmful cortisol response was far lower because they were engaged in something meaningful (Cresswell et al. 2005).
We could talk about many other studies showing medical, psychological, and behavioral benefits for values engagement, but the take-home is the same. Life is stressful. Recovery, in particular, can be a very stressful time. A newly recovering person may be making changes to many areas of living, and all of these changes heap more and more wood on the stress fire. The scientific evidence strongly suggests that active engagement with your values builds strength.
Think of values work as being like a good diet. If your diet is good, a lot of different illnesses may come and go. The healthier your diet, the less likely it is that, if you do get ill, you"ll get as ill or stay ill for as long a time. Values work is like that. If you feed yourself on values, you will be stronger for whatever comes.
Values in Everyday Speech Now, here"s the part where we take a step back from the garden-variety use of the word "values." As we write this (in 2011), the use of the word "values" in American political discourse seems to have tapered off a little. For a while there, few politicians could open their mouths without making an overture to one kind of value or the other. And there are certainly lots of special-interest groups that have identified sets of values to which you might subscribe (or feel compelled to subscribe). Your community and family may more or less agree on a set of values it holds. "Values" means a lot of different things to different people at different times and in different contexts, and we have absolutely no issues with any of these meanings.
The thing is, none of them get at what we mean by values.
And sometimes people mean morals-a sense of right and wrong-when they talk about values. This is also fine, but again, it doesn"t have anything at all with what we mean by values.
So, What Do We Mean by "Values"?
When we talk about values, we mean something very specific. It"s not hard or complicated, but it is definitely a lot more strictly defined (and, maybe strangely, a lot more flexible) than most everyday meanings of the word. We"ll give you a short definition, and then we"ll walk through each of the parts of that definition:
Values are freely chosen ways you understand your place in the world; they are patterns of behavior that evolve over time based on your actions, and you feel satisfaction mainly by doing these actions for their own sake, not for any outside incentive or rewards.
Values Are Freely Chosen This is probably the biggest way that our understanding of values differs from most of the common uses of the word. These are not anyone else"s values. They are yours and yours alone. We won"t tell you what to value, and we suggest you not let anyone else tell you either. You get to pick. While there are many preselected sets of values you might choose to subscribe to, for our purposes here you need to decide for yourself what they will be. If you adopt someone else"s idea of what is valuable and it doesn"t line up with what you really feel is important to you, you"ll just find yourself struggling with another set of stories that don"t work in your life.
Understand that the fact that you get to pick your values doesn"t mean that you will always be a perfect example of them. If only. You may choose to value your relationship with your children very highly. Does this mean you"ll always be the perfect parent? Not at all. Of course there will be times when you do things, even intentionally, that won"t square up with your idea of what it means to be a good parent. Your basic choice to make this area of your life a priority is what const.i.tutes your value (and we"ll have more to say about pursuing your values in the next chapter on commitment).
Values Describe Your Understanding of Your Place in the World This aspect of values might be a little harder to wrap your brain around. Think back to Viktor Frankl and his decision to remain behind to take care of his patients in the concentration camp. If you didn"t know the details of his story-if you thought, for example, that he was just a guy in a terrible place who had a chance to escape and didn"t take it-it would be hard to make sense out of his decision. Knowing how Frankl understood his place in the world-what it meant for him to be a doctor, a friend, and a fellow human being-explains and dignifies his choice. When we"re talking about values, we"re going to mean those ways in which you"ve decided to relate yourself to the role you will play in the world-as a member of a community or family, as a learner, as an artist, and so forth.
Values Are Patterns of Behavior Values from this perspective are not individual acts. Buying your wife a bunch of flowers does not make you a good husband. A pattern of acts that show consideration, thoughtfulness, and kindness is more like what we mean by values. Giving a bunch of flowers on Mothers" Day or "just because" might be part of the pattern. It is the pattern that will cause, at the end of your days, someone to stand graveside and say, "he was a loving husband, and I will miss him so." In the sections ahead, we will ask you about the patterns you would like to grow as well as some particular acts.
Values Develop Over Time, Based on Your Actions If you choose to value being a good husband, that value is unlikely to be static. Kelly, for example, has been with his wife for more than thirty-two years. Being a good husband at year one did not look exactly the same as being a good husband at year thirty-one. Being a good husband when he was diagnosed with cancer in 1998 was not the same pattern as it is today when he is yoga-strong. Being a good husband involved a different pattern still when cancer visited their house again, when his wife was diagnosed with cancer in 2007. Our most profoundly held values ask us to grow and change our patterns of living even though the central value remains constant.
This is another one of the ways in which our understanding of values differs from the everyday use of the word. Some understandings of the word might be written down into some kind of code. But our understanding of values evolves over time as the result of many, many actions you might take in the service of patterns of living you care about.
Another thing to keep in mind is that, in the sense we mean, you don"t really "clarify" or "discover" what it is that you value. Rather, you construct it over time as you engage in a pattern of actions that, eventually, start to look like a value. There are certainly lots of snake-oil salesmen out there who have plans and systems in place to help you "clarify" your values. Take this kind of thing with a grain of salt. Once you decide what you want your life to be about, only your efforts over time can really work out for you what this actually means. And the meaning and pattern will grow and change over time.
Values Are Intrinsically Rewarding Here"s your lesson in behaviorism for the day: There is a very basic idea in behavioral science that organisms (that is, people and animals) will work to pursue pleasure and to avoid pain. Pleasurable things are known as reinforcers; painful things are known as punishers. You get off the couch and go to the cookie jar, reach in, and pull out a snickerdoodle. Mmmm. Your behavior is reinforced. You walk to the stove, turn it on, and stick your hand in the fire. Ouch! You"re punished for your behavior. From this point, you"re more likely to go get a cookie and less likely to stick your hand in the fire.
For nonhumans, reinforcers all relate to pretty basic things like food, s.e.x, shelter, and social contact. But because of our story-telling brains, humans can get reinforcement for all sorts of places. If you doubt this, try giving a chicken an "employee of the month" award or tell a horse that it"s not going to get into heaven if it keeps wandering out of the paddock.
One of the basic qualities of a value in the sense we mean it is that it creates its own reinforcement. As we understand it, the act of being a good mom becomes its own reward, if that"s something you value. Likewise, being environmentally responsible, being kind to animals, and learning to make beautiful music on the trombone can all be intrinsically rewarding, if they are things you value. If you only practice the trombone for hours each day because of the salary you get from the local symphony, yet otherwise detest the whole endeavor, you probably don"t value trombone-playing all that highly.
You may find yourself in a place where nothing feels valuable. Please, please, please ease yourself into the stream of life. It is in that stream of activity, engaged in with awareness and flexibility, that you will find things to love. There are only so many things to love that you can find hiding under your bed. And moving around in the world can be hard, but we think, if you practice the things we describe in this book, you will be glad you came out and joined us in this varied and extraordinary world.
What Do You Want Your Life to Be About?
This may seem like a hard question or it may seem like an easy one. Either way, it is a question worth lingering over. Here is how we will do it. First, we"ll do a little writing, and then we"ll use that writing to do some wondering.
Keep something in mind as you go: It can be hard to make the choice to freely decide what matters to you. You might have had a lot of people telling you to straighten up and fly right for a long time. You also might have had quite a few dark nights to get to this place in your life. You might have a hard time imagining that you could really do anything in any of the areas you"ll find on the lines below. Remember back to Wilson"s wager. You might think that you are hopeless, but sometimes very unlikely things happen in this world. If you need more convincing, flip to the end of this chapter and read Kelly"s personal story. Then let yourself wonder. If such an unlikely event occurred in your own life, what shape might it take?
Sitting Inside Significant Questions
What follows is a longish meditation that you can do in a quiet place with just the book. Try to pick a time when you can devote half an hour or so of uninterrupted time to this practice. Or, if that"s not going to work for you, you can pick up the thing one section at a time and mull it over. One way or another, you"ll use your observations later to complete the Valued Living Questionnaire.
We"ll ask you to consider different domains of your life, noticing the sad and the sweet, the struggle and the stillness. This will be, by far, the longest practice we"ve done so far. We encourage you to set aside at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted time. It may not take the whole time to complete, but having that protected time will ensure that you get the most out of it.
First, let your gaze soften and your eyes lower and see if you can just breathe in the experience of being here in this room right now. Sit up straight in your chair with your head balanced at the top of your spine, allowing your shoulders to drop and the muscles in your face to relax.
Take a moment and just let your attention come to rest right now on the gentle inflow and outflow of breath.
And if you find yourself thinking ahead to what we are doing, gently let go of that and notice again that in the midst of all that mental activity, your breath continues. No matter how busy you get, it is there, flowing like a river. It requires nothing of you.
Just let yourself linger for a moment inside that steady stream of inflow and outflow of breath. Each time you find yourself drifting away in thought, into the future or past, just let that steady inflow and outflow draw your attention gently back. Allow yourself to just notice all of the tiny sensations: in your lips, in your mouth, the gentle rise and fall of your own breath. Returning each time, you drift gently back to your own breath.
And if you find yourself irritated, wanting to move along, just notice that-that push-and imagine that you just gently release that and come back to this very next breath...and this breath.
Now you will ask yourself a series of questions about areas of life that some people value. Some of these areas may be very important to you. Others may not. It is not necessary that you value all areas. Just read or listen to the questions, repeat them to yourself, and allow yourself to sit for a moment with each question. Even if the area is not one that is important to you, just let yourself be curious about the question.
As you move through the questions, notice any thoughts, feelings, sensations, or memories that come up for you. Take a moment to breathe them in and out, then gently release them. These are important areas of living and we don"t always pause and give ourselves time to appreciate them.
It"s not important right now to answer these questions. Just imagine that asking yourself these questions was like dipping into a pool of water. Just let the questions soak in. And breathe.
If you find yourself drawing any conclusions, just gently let go of those conclusions and return your attention to the question.
As you notice your reactions, let go of the urge to understand them, judge them, grip onto them, or push them away. When you notice your reactions, just breathe that experience in, and on the next exhale, slowly set it aside and see what shows up next.
Family
Let"s start with the area of family generally-outside of marriage and parenting.