"I felt as if G.o.d"s eye had turned, full of pity and forgiveness, towards me, the sinner. A pure, holy joy streamed through me. I fell across my sister"s body, and hid my face at her neck.
"In the midst of her pain she began to smile, with an effort placed her hand upon my head, and murmured, with hardly audible voice, "I suppose I have been giving you all a great fright?"
"The breath of her words enveloped me like a peace-bringing chant, and for a moment I felt as if the burden at my heart must give way--but I was unable to weep.
""How do you feel?" I asked.
""Well, quite well!" she replied, "only the sheet weighs so heavily upon me!"
"It was the lightest I had been able to find. I told her so; then she sighed and said she knew she was a fidget, and I was to have patience with her.
"And then she lay again quite still, and constantly looked at me as if in a dream. At length she nodded several times and remarked: "It is well thus--quite well!"
""What is well?" I asked.
"Then she smiled again and was silent. And then the pains returned. She shook all over and clenched her teeth, but she did not utter a complaint.
""Shall I call for Robert?" I asked, for terror overwhelmed me anew.
"She nodded. "And bring the child too," she murmured.
"I did as she had bid. She had the little creature laid on the bed beside her, and looked down at it for a long time. She also made an attempt to kiss it, but she was too weak to do so.
"Even before Robert came she had relapsed into her sleep.
"He gave me a reproachful look, and remarked, "Why did you not send for me sooner?"
""Believe me, it is better thus," I answered, "it would have excited her too much to see you."
""You always seem to know what is best," said he, and went out, fortunately without noticing the glow which suffused my face at his praise.
"Now she lay there again unconscious--her cheeks red, and her forehead wet with perspiration. And added to that, the gruesome play of her lips! They kept on twitching and smacking.
"Towards one o"clock the doctor came, took her temperature, and certified a diminution of fever.
""That will go up and down many a time yet," he said; nor did he enter into our joy over her awakening. "Do not speak to her when she regains consciousness," he urged, "and above all, do not allow her to speak herself. She needs every atom of her strength."
"Before he left, he fixed his eyes on me for a long time, and shook his head doubtfully. I felt how the consciousness of guilt drove the blood to my cheeks. It was as if he could look me through and through.
"... In the afternoon I had fetched myself a book from my room, the first I happened to lay my hands upon and tried to read in it; but the letters danced before my eyes, and my head buzzed as if it were full of bats.
"It was a long time before I could even make out the t.i.tle. I read "Iphigenia." Then, seized by sudden terror, I flung the book far away from me into a corner, as if I had held a burning coal in my hand.
Towards evening Martha"s pains seemed to grow more intense. Several times she cried out loud and writhed as if in a cramp.
"While I was busying myself about her, during an attack of this sort, the old woman suddenly stood at my side. And as I looked at her with her venomous glance, with her studied wringing of hands, and the hypocritical droop of her mouth, the thought suddenly came to me--
""Here is one--who is waiting for Martha"s death--who is wishing for it."
"My eyesight seemed dimmed by a red veil, I clenched my fists--I all but flung the accusation in her face. And as I stood in front of her, still quite petrified by the thought, she took hold of my arm, and tried, without much ado, to push me aside, so that she might plant herself at Martha"s pillow. Perhaps she hoped to intimidate me by this unceremonious proceeding.
""Dear aunt." said I, removing her hand from my arm, "I have pointed out to you before already that this is my place, and that no one in the world shall dispute it with me. I urgently beg of you to restrict your visit to the other rooms."
""Indeed? We will just wait and see, my little one," she screeched, "we will just ask the master of the house, who has more to say here, his good old mother, or you, vagabond Polish crew?"
"And still screeching, she departed.
"In a very fever of rage I paced the room. Even I should not have imagined that this sorrowing mother could so quickly and thoroughly change back again into a fury. It only remained for her to give expression to her innermost wishes.
""Oh, if it should be true." I cried, and horror possessed me. "To wish for Martha"s death! Martha, do you hear, to wish for your death! Whom have you ever hurt? In whose way have you ever stood? Who lives in the world who has ever received aught but love and forgiveness from you? If it were true, if any human being should really be so depraved, and still wander upon earth with impunity--verily, it would make one despair of G.o.d and of everything good."
"Thus I spoke and could not heap enough shame and contumely upon the old woman"s head.
"And then it struck me that I had been talking myself into a most unworthy pa.s.sion.
"But I felt easier through it, I dared to breathe more freely, and when I saw poor, ill-treated "Iphigenia" lying in the dust, I went and picked it up.
""What crime have I, after all, committed?" I said to myself, "that I should need to hide away from my ideal? Have I done anything but bring comfort to one in despair? Has a single look, a single word been exchanged, which my sister might not have seen and heard? If it seethes and burns in my breast, what concern is that of any one, as long as I keep it carefully to myself?"
"Thus I spoke to myself, and considered myself almost justified, even before my own conscience. Blind creature that I was!
"And once more the gloaming came, once more the setting sun cast its red light through the windows.
"Martha"s face was bathed in a purple glow, in her hair little lights sparkled, and the hand that lay on the coverlet looked as though illumined from within.
"I drew the bed-screen closer around her, so that the flimmering rays should not trouble her.
"Then I saw hanging on the wall a withered ivy wreath, which I had not noticed before, a wreath such as I was wont to send on special occasions for our parents" graves. Perhaps that was where this one, too, came from. At the present moment it appeared as if woven of flames, everything about it lived phantastically. And when I looked more closely, it even seemed to me as if it began to revolve, and to emit a cascade of sparks, like a real wheel of fire.
""Dear me, now you are already beginning to see visions," I said to myself, and tried to gain new strength by pacing up and down. But I felt so dizzy, that I was obliged to hold on to the chairs--I gasped for breath.
"Oh, this smell of carbolic--this sickly-sweet odour! It enveloped my senses, it dimmed my thoughts, it spread a presentiment of death and terror all around.
"Then the old doctor came, looked keenly into my face, and ordered me in his fatherly, gruff manner to go forthwith into the open and get some fresh air. He himself would watch till I returned. And in spite of my remonstrance he pushed me out of the door.
"If I could have guessed what was awaiting me, no power on earth would have moved me to cross the threshold!
"Now I drew a deep breath as I stepped out into the courtyard. The evening air refreshed me like a cooling bath. The last gleam of daylight was vanishing, and veiled in bluish vapours the autumn night sank down upon the earth.
"The two hunting dogs sprang towards me, and then raced off towards the old castle ruins.
"Unconsciously I followed in their track, walking half in my sleep, for the atmosphere of the sick room was still acting upon my senses.
"A mouldering scent of fading weeds and weather-beaten stones wafted towards me from the brickwork. An old porch spread its arch over me. I stepped into the interior. The walls towered up black all round me, the dark sky looked down upon them with its bluish lights.
"Then not far from me I saw a dark figure, the outlines of which I recognised at once, crouching among the loose stones.