_Dull._ Mr. Clerk, come to the Tryals on the Dockett.
[_Clerk_ reads.
_Cler._ The first is between his Worship Justice _Whiff_ and one _Grubb_.
_Dull._ Ay, that _Grubb"s_ a common Disturber, Brother, your Cause is a good Cause if well manag"d, here"s to"t.
[Drinks.
_Whiff._ I thank you, Brother _Dullman_--read my Pet.i.tion.
[Drinks.
_Cler._ The Pet.i.tion of Captain _Thomas Whiff_, sheweth, That whereas _Gilbert Grubb_ calls his Worship"s Wife _Ann Whiff_ Wh.o.r.e, and said he would prove it; your Pet.i.tioner desires the Worshipful Bench to take it into Consideration, and your Pet.i.tioner shall ever pray, _&c._-- Here"s two Witnesses have made Affidavit _viva voce_, an"t like your Worships.
_Dull._ Call _Grubb_.
_Cler._ _Gilbert Grubb_, come into the Court.
_Grub._ Here.
_Whim._ Well, what can you say for your self, Mr. _Grubb_.
_Grub._ Why, an"t like your Worship, my Wife invited some Neighbours Wives to drink a Cagg of Syder; now your Worship"s Wife, Madam _Whiff_, being there fuddled, would have thrust me out of doors, and bid me go to my old Wh.o.r.e Madam _Whimsey_, meaning your Worship"s Wife.
[To _Whimsey_.
_Whim._ Hah! My Wife called Wh.o.r.e, she"s a Jade, and I"ll arrest her Husband here--in an Action of Debts.
_Tim._ Gad zoors, she"s no better than she should be, I"ll warrant her.
_Whiff._ Look ye, Brother _Whimsey_, be patient; you know the humour of my _Nancy_, when she"s drunk; but when she"s sober, she"s a civil Person, and shall ask your pardon.
_Whim._ Let this be done, and I am satisfied. And so here"s to you.
[Drinks.
_Dull._ Go on to the Trial.
_Grub._ I being very angry, said indeed, I would prove her a greater Wh.o.r.e than Madam _Whimsey_.
_Cler._ An"t like your Worships, he confesses the Words in open Court.
_Grub._ Why, an"t like your Worships, she has had two b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, I"ll prove it.
_Whiff._ Sirrah, Sirrah, that was when she was a Maid, not since I marry"d her; my marrying her made her honest.
_Dull._ Let there be an order of Court to sue him for _Scandalum magnatum_.
_Tim._ Mr. Clerk, let my Cause come next.
_Cler._ The Defendant"s ready, Sir. [_Hazard_ comes to the Board.
_Tim._ Brothers of the Bench, take notice, that this Hector here coming into Mrs. _Flirt"s_ Ordinary, where I was with my Brother _Dullman_ and Lieutenant _Boozer_; we gave him good Counsel to fall to work: Now my Gentleman here was affronted at this, forsooth, and makes no more to do but calls us Scoundrels, and drew his Sword on us; and had I not defended my self by running away, he had murdered me, and a.s.sa.s.sinated my two Brothers.
_Whiff._ What Witness have you, Brother?
_Tim._ Here"s Mrs. _Flirt_ and her Maid _Nell_,--besides, we may be Witness for one another, I hope, our Words may be taken.
_Cler._ Mrs. _Flirt_ and _Nell_ are sworn. [They stand forth.
_Whim._ By the Oaths that you have taken, speak nothing but the truth.
_Flirt._ An"t please your Worships, your Honours came to my House, where you found this young Gentleman: and your Honours invited him to drink with your Honours; Where after some opprobrious Words given him, Justice _Dullman_, and Justice _Boozer_ struck him over the Head; and after that indeed the Gentleman drew.
_Tim._ Mark that, Brother, he drew.
_Haz._ If I did, it was _se defendendo_.
_Tim._ Do you hear that, Brothers, he did it in defiance.
_Haz._ Sir, you ought not to sit Judge and Accuser too.
_Whiff._ The Gentleman"s i"th" right, Brother, you cannot do"t according to Law.
_Tim._ Gads zoors, what new tricks, new querks?
_Haz._ Gentlemen, take notice, he swears in Court.
_Tim._ Gads zoors, what"s that to you, Sir?
_Haz._ This is the second time of his swearing.
_Whim._ What, do you think we are deaf, Sir? Come, come, proceed.
_Tim._ I desire he may be bound to his Good Behaviour, fin"d, and deliver up his Sword, what say you, Brother?
[Jogs _Dull._ who nods.
_Whim._ He"s asleep, drink to him and waken him,-- you have miss"d the Cause by sleeping, Brother.
[Drinks.
_Dull._ Justice may nod, but never sleeps, Brother-- you were at--Deliver his Sword--a good Motion, let it be done.
[Drinks.
_Haz._ No, Gentlemen, I wear a Sword to right my self.
_Tim._ That"s fine, i"faith, Gads zoors, I"ve worn a Sword this dozen Year, and never cou"d right my self.
_Whiff._ Ay, "twou"d be a fine World if Men should wear Swords to right themselves; he that"s bound to the Peace shall wear no Sword.
_Whim._ I say, he that"s bound to the Peace ought to wear no Peruke, they may change "em for black or white, and then who can know them.
_Haz._ I hope, Gentlemen, I may be allowed to speak for my self.