_Trap_. Mr Fustian, you"ll observe I do not begin this play, like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it, that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr Fustian, if you please to sit down by me.
[Mayor _and_ Aldermen _discovered_.
_Fust_. Pray, sir, who are these characters?
_Trap_. Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren, consulting about the election.
_Fust_. Are they all of a side, sir?
_Trap_. Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you begin the play.
_May_. Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four.
1 _Ald_. But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and whose estates in our own neighbourhood render "em not liable to be bribed.
_Fust_. This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbia.s.sed in his principles as you represented him.
_Trap_. Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I only writ him to set off the rest.
_May_. Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking; honesty is not confined to a country; a man that lives a hundred miles off may be as honest as him who lives but three.
_Ald_. Ay, ay, ay, ay. [_Shaking their heads_.
_May_. Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born and bred together.
1 _Ald_. Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the truth on"t; but won"t they bring a standing army upon us?
_May_. Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the colonel, we shan"t have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord and the colonel.
_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE.
_Place_. Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the colonel to take a morning"s whet with you.
_May_. Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray, my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be pleased to sit. More wine here.
_Fust_. I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don"t get drunk in the first act.
_Trap_. Dear sir, don"t interrupt the rehearsal.
_Place_. Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation!
_Fust_. Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if you please, will pledge his lordship:--success to your comedy, Mr Trapwit. [_Drinks_.
_Trap_. Give me a gla.s.s--sir, here"s to your tragedy. Now, pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one continual joke, and if you open your lips in it you will break the thread of the jest.
_May_. My lord, we are sensible of your great power to serve this corporation, and we do not doubt but we shall feel the effect on"t.
_Place_. Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my power. I shall do you some services which are not proper at present to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor, give me leave to squeeze you by the hand, in a.s.surance of my sincerity.
_Trap_. You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly, if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and it is one of the strongest in my whole play.
_Place_. Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table.
_Trap_. Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen, range yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the colonel, come to one end and bribe away with right and left.
_Fust_. Is this wit, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over the kingdom.
_Fust_. But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but ill-named; for he is a man of very few words.
_Trap_. You"ll be of another opinion before the play is over; at present his hands are too full of business; and you may remember, sir, I before told you this is none of your plays wherein much is said and nothing done. Gentlemen, are you all bribed?
_Omnes_. Yes, sir.
_Trap_. Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too.
[_Exeunt_ PLACE _and_ PROMISE.
_Fust_. Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down; but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is, to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very wise.
_Fust_. You"ll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I"ll warrant you. [_Aside_.
_May_. Come, here"s a round to my lord and the colonel"s health; a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by the hand in my life.
_Trap_. Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the gold at these words, sir, if you please.
_May_. I have none.
_Trap_. Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters against it is acted.
_Fust_. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with an empty hand is quite in the character of a courtier.
_Trap_. Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they?
I _Play_. Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he has refused to act the part.
_Trap_. Has he been writ to?
I _Play_. Yes, sir, and here"s his answer.
_Trap_. Let both the letters be produced before the audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part?
I _Play_. Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in the hope of some time playing it.
_Trap_. You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very glad of the exchange.