_May_. And so do I.
_Place_. Then call my brother candidates; we will spend this night in feast and merriment.
_Fust_. What has made these two parties so suddenly friends, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. What? why the marriage, sir; the usual reconciler at the end of a comedy. I would not have concluded without every person on the stage for the world.
_Place_. Well, colonel, I see you are setting out for life, and so I wish you a good journey.
And you, gallants, from what you"ve seen to-night, If you are wrong, may set your judgments right; Nor, like our misses, about bribing quarrel, When better herring is in neither barrel.
[_Manent_ FUST, TRAP _and_ SNEER.]
_Trap_. Thus ends my play, sir.
_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, how has the former part of it conduced to this marriage?
_Trap_. Why, sir, do you think the colonel would ever have had her but on the prospect her father has from this election?
_Sneer_. Ay, or to strengthen his interest with the returning officer?
_Trap_. Ay, sir, I was just going to say so.
_Sneer_. But where"s your epilogue?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can"t tell what I shall do for an epilogue.
_Sneer_. What I have you writ none?
_Trap_. Yes, faith, I have writ one, but----
_Sneer_. But what?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can get no one to speak it; the actresses are so d.a.m.n"d difficult to please. When first I writ it they would not speak it, because there were not double-entendres enough in it; upon which I went to Mr Watt"s and borrowed all his plays; went home, read over all the epilogues, and crammed it as full as possible; and now, forsooth, it has too many in it. Oons! I think we must get a pair of scales and weigh out a sufficient quant.i.ty of that same.
_Fust_. Come, come, Mr Trapwit, clear the stage, if you please.
_Trap_. With all my heart; for I have overstayed my time already; I am to read my play to-day to six different companies of quality.
_Fust_. You"ll stay and see the tragedy rehea.r.s.ed, I hope?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, it is my great misfortune that I can"t; I deny myself a great pleasure, but cannot possibly stay--to hear such d.a.m.n"d stuff as I know it must be.
[_Aside_.
_Sneer_. Nay, dear Trapwit, you shall not go. Consider, your advice may be of some service to Mr Fustian; besides, he has stayed the rehearsal of your play----
_Fust_. Yes, I have--and kept myself awake with much difficulty.
[_Aside_.
_Trap_. Nay, nay, you know I can"t refuse you--though I shall certainly fall asleep in the first act.
[_Aside_.
_Sneer_. If you"ll let me know who your people of quality are, I"ll endeavour to bring you off.
_Trap_. No, no, hang me if I tell you, ha, ha, ha! I know you too well--But prithee, now, tell me, Fustian, how dost thou like my play? dost think it will do?
_Fust_. "Tis my opinion it will.
_Trap_. Give me a guinea, and I"ll give you a crown a night as long as it runs.
_Sneer_. That"s laying against yourself, Mr Trapwit.
_Trap_. I love a hedge, sir.
_Fust_. Before the rehearsal begins, gentlemen, I must beg your opinion of my dedication: you know, a dedication is generally a bill drawn for value therein contained; which value is a set of nauseous fulsome compliments which my soul abhors and scorns; for I mortally hate flattery, and therefore have carefully avoided it.
_Sneer_. Yes, faith, a dedication without flattery will be worth the seeing.
_Fust_. Well, sir, you shall see it. Read it, dear Trapwit; I hate to read my own works.
_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "My lord, at a time when nonsense, dullness, lewdness, and all manner of profaneness and immorality are daily practised on the stage, I have prevailed on my modesty to offer to your lordship"s protection a piece which, if it has no merit to recommend it, has at least no demerit to disgrace it; nor do I question at this, when every one else is dull, you will be pleased to find one exception to the number.
"I cannot indeed help a.s.suming to myself some little merit from the applause which the town has so universally conferred upon me."
_Fust_. That you know, Mr Sneer well, may be omitted, if it should meet with any ill-natured opposition; for which reason, I shall not print off my dedication till after the play is acted.
_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "I might here indulge myself with a delineation of your lordship"s character; but as I abhor the least imputation of flattery, and as I am certain your lordship is the only person in this nation that does not love to hear your praises, I shall be silent--only this give me leave to say, That you have more wit, sense, learning, honour, and humanity, than all mankind put together; and your person comprehends in it everything that is beautiful; your air is everything that is graceful, your look everything that is majestic, and your mind is a storehouse where every virtue and every perfection are lodged: to pa.s.s by your generosity, which is so great, so glorious, so diffusive, that like the sun it eclipses, and makes stars of all your other virtues--I could say more----"
_Sneer_. Faith, sir, that"s more than I could.
_Trap_. "But shall commit a violence upon myself, and conclude with a.s.suring your lordship, that I am, my lord, your lordship"s most obedient, most devoted, most obsequious, and most obliged humble servant."
_Fust_. There you see it, sir, concise, and not fulsome.
_Sneer_. Very true, sir, if you had said less it would not have done.
_Fust_. No, I think less would have been downright rude, considering it was to a person of the first quality.
_Sneer_. Prithee, Trap wit, let"s see yours.
_Trap_. I have none, sir.
_Fust_. How, sir? no dedication?
_Trap_. No, sir, for I have dedicated so many plays, and received nothing for them, that I am resolved to trust no more; I"ll let no more flattery go out of my shop without being paid beforehand.
_Fust_. Sir, flattery is so cheap, and every man of quality keeps so many flatterers about him, that egad our trade is quite spoil"d; but if I am not paid for this dedication, the next I write shall be a satirical one; if they won"t pay me for opening my mouth, I"ll make them pay me for shutting it. But since you have been so kind, gentlemen, to like my dedication, I"ll venture to let you see my prologue. Sir, I beg the favour of you to repeat the prologue, if you are perfect in it. [_To a_ Player.]
_Play_. Sir, I"ll do it to the best of my power.