_Fust_. That will, indeed, surprise me.
_Trap_. Sir, you are not the first man my writings have surprised. But what"s become of all our players?--Here, who begins the second act?--Prompter!
_Enter_ 1st Player.
_I Play_. Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking tea in the green-room.
_Trap_. Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them?
Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink a dish with us.
_I Play_. Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there.
_Trap_. Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I"ll warrant she"ll take it off again.
ACT II.
SCENE I.--_Enter_ TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.
_Trap_. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my lord, come, begin.
_Place_. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a yard?
_Fust_. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.
_Trap_. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is called.
_Mrs M_. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten pounds a yard.
_Place_. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?
_Fust_. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto!
Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!
_Trap_. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.
_Fust_. I am glad to hear that.
_Mrs M_. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to that dear delightful place once more.
_Miss M_. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures of Merlin"s cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the tumbling.
_Fust_. By miss"s taste I believe she has been bred up under a woman of quality too.
_Place_. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don"t question but will be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality.
_Miss M_. Keeping, my lord?
_Place_. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young, that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight.
_Mrs M_. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce her to "em?
_Place_. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house and see company; in a little while you may keep an a.s.sembly, and play at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole estate lies in their card-box.
_Mrs M_. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness?
_Fust_. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her education, to be so ignorant of all these things?
_Trap_. "Gad, that"s true; I had forgot her education, faith, when I writ that speech; it"s a fault I sometimes fall into--a man ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing; but come, go on, go on--I"ll alter it by and by.
_Place_. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can"t see any use they are of: if I am chose, I"ll bring in a bill to extirpate all trade out of the nation.
_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of quality who don"t want money.
_Fust_. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of quality, considering she has lived amongst them.
_Trap_. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.
_Place_. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.
_Trap_. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord.
[_Enter a_ Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance.
[_Exit_ Servant.
_Place_. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good company. I am your most obedient servant.
[_Exit_.
_Mrs M_. He is a prodigious fine gentleman.
_Miss M_. But must I go into keeping, mama?
_Mrs M_. Child, you must do what"s in fashion.
_Miss M_. But I have heard that"s a naughty thing.
_Mrs M_. That can"t be if your betters do it; people are punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never punished; therefore they never do any naughty things.
_Fust_. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.
_Trap_. Pshaw, dear sir! don"t trouble me with character; it"s a good thing; and if it"s a good thing, what signifies who says it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk.
_Enter_ Mayor.
_May_. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.