_Trap_. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my play, they should all say it--none of them do it.
3 _Voter_. An"t please your honour, I have read in a book called Fog"s Journal that your honour"s men are to be made of wax; now, sir, I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your honour"s regiment.
_CoL_ Sir, you may depend on me.
3 _Voter_. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because I would prepare a finer sort for them.
_CoL_ No, none but the chaplain.
3 _Voter_. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.
_Trap_. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range yourselves under your several leaders. [_The mob attempt to break in_.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel"s going off is the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.
_Place_ and _Col_ Gentlemen, we"ll serve you.
[_My lord and the colonel flle off at different doors, the parties following_.
_Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_.
Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope!
No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the stage_.
_Enter_ Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.
_Sir H_. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party has got the day.
_May_. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by a shadow.
_Sir H_. I know you are an honest man, and love your country.
_May_. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my country will but let me live by it, that"s all I desire.
_Fust_. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.
_Trap_. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk.
_Fust_. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.
_Tank_. [_drunk_.] A man that won"t get drunk for his country is a rascal.
_May_. So he is, n.o.ble squire; there"s no honesty in a man that won"t be drunk--A man that won"t drink is an enemy to the trade of the nation.
_Sir H_. Those were glorious days when honest English hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make his neighbours drunk, before your d.a.m.ned French fashions were brought over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money is spent?
_May_. Faith, I can"t tell.
_Sir H_. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks, Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them will never get a dinner of them after the election is over.
_May_. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them?
_Sir H_. Who? why, we!
_Tank_. Ay, we!
_Sir H_. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my country, but I don"t know why I may not get something by it as well as another; at least to reimburse me.--And I do a.s.sure you, though I have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good five thousand pounds.
_Tank_. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts of the nation.
_Sir H_. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient speed.
_Tank_. I"ll have no delay in it, sir.
_May_. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in foreign parts.
_Sir H_. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we"ll go and talk more over a bottle.
_Tank_. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the nation.
_May_. Come to the tavern then:-- There, while brisk wine improves our conversation, We at our pleasure will reform the nation.
_Trap_. There ends act the third.
[_Exeunt_ Sir HARRY, TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.
_Fust_. Pray, sir, what"s the moral of this act?
_Trap_. And you really don"t know?
_Fust_. No, really.
_Trap_. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since you cannot find that out, I"ll try whether you can find out the plot; for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very close attention, I a.s.sure you; and the devil take me if I give you any a.s.sistance.
_Fust_. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the plot, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Sir, "tis an error on the right side: I have known a plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too, forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to burden either the audience"s memory or my own; for they may forget all that is. .h.i.therto past, and know full as much of the plot as if they remembered it.
_Promp_. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.
_Enter_ Mayor, Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.
_Mrs M_. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting for you this hour.
_May_. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire: you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.
_Mrs M_. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse with no clowns or country squires.
_Miss M_. My mama will converse with no Jacobites.