_Index_. I have brought my bill, sir.
_Book_. What"s here? For fitting the motto of Risum teneatis Amici to a dozen pamphlets, at sixpence per each, six shillings; for Omnia vincit Amor, et nos cedamus Amori, sixpence; for Difficile est Satyram non scribere, sixpence. Hum! hum! hum!--sum total for thirty-six Latin mottoes, eighteen shillings; ditto English, one shilling and ninepence; ditto Greek, four--four shillings. These Greek mottoes are excessively dear.
_Ind_. If you have them cheaper at either of the universities, I will give you mine for nothing.
_Book_. You shall have your money immediately; and pray remember, that I must have two Latin seditious mottoes and one Greek moral motto for pamphlets by to-morrow morning.
_Quib_. I want two Latin sentences, sir--one for page the fourth in the praise of loyalty, and another for page the tenth in praise of liberty and property.
_Dash_. The ghost would become a motto very well if you would bestow one on him.
_Book_. Let me have them all.
_Ind_. Sir, I shall provide them. Be pleased to look on that, sir, and print me five hundred proposals and as many receipts.
_Book_. "Proposals for printing by subscription a New Translation of Cicero Of the Nature of the G.o.ds, and his Tusculan Questions, by Jeremy Index, Esq." I am sorry you have undertaken this, for it prevents a design of mine.
_Ind_. Indeed, sir, it does not; for you see all of the book that I ever intend to publish. It is only a handsome way of asking one"s friends for a guinea.
_Book_. Then you have not translated a word of it, perhaps.
_Ind_. Not a single syllable.
_Book_. Well, you shall have your proposals forthwith: but I desire you would be a little more reasonable in your bills for the future, or I shall deal with you no longer; for I have a certain fellow of a college, who offers to furnish me with second-hand mottoes out of the Spectator for twopence each.
_Ind_. Sir, I only desire to live by my goods; and I hope you will be pleased to allow some difference between a neat fresh piece, piping hot out of the cla.s.sicks, and old threadbare worn-out stuff that has past through every pedant"s mouth and been as common at the universities as their wh.o.r.es.
SCENE V.--BOOKWEIGHT, DASH, QUIBBLE, BLOTPAGE, SCARECROW.
_Scare_. Sir, I have brought you a libel against the ministry.
_Book_. Sir, I shall not take anything against them;--for I have two in the press already. [_Aside_.
_Scare_. Then, sir, I have an Apology in defence of them.
_Book_. That I shall not meddle with neither; they don"t sell so well.
_Scare_. I have a translation of Virgil"s Aeneid, with notes on it, if we can agree about the price.
_Book_. Why, what price would you have?
_Scare_. You shall read it first, otherwise how will you know the value?
_Book_. No, no, sir, I never deal that way--a poem is a poem, and a pamphlet a pamphlet with me. Give me a good handsome large volume, with a full promising t.i.tle-page at the head of it, printed on a good paper and letter, the whole well bound and gilt, and I"ll warrant its selling. You have the common error of authors, who think people buy books to read. No, no, books are only bought to furnish libraries, as pictures and gla.s.ses, and beds and chairs, are for other rooms. Look ye, sir, I don"t like your t.i.tle-page: however, to oblige a young beginner, I don"t care if I do print it at my own expence.
_Scare_. But pray, sir, at whose expence shall I eat?
_Book_. At whose? Why, at mine, sir, at mine. I am as great a friend to learning as the Dutch are to trade: no one can want bread with me who will earn it; therefore, sir, if you please to take your seat at my table, here will be everything necessary provided for you: good milk porridge, very often twice a day, which is good wholesome food and proper for students; a translator too is what I want at present, my last being in Newgate for shop-lifting. The rogue had a trick of translating out of the shops as well as the languages.
_Scare_. But I am afraid I am not qualified for a translator, for I understand no language but my own.
_Book_. What, and translate Virgil?
_Scare_. Alas! I translated him out of Dryden.
_Book_. Lay by your hat, sir--lay by your hat, and take your seat immediately. Not qualified!--thou art as well versed in thy trade as if thou hadst laboured in my garret these ten years. Let me tell you, friend, you will have more occasion for invention than learning here. You will be obliged to translate books out of all languages, especially French, that were never printed in any language whatsoever.
_Scare_. Your trade abounds in mysteries.
_Book_. The study of bookselling is as difficult as the law: and there are as many tricks in the one as the other. Sometimes we give a foreign name to our own labours, and sometimes we put our names to the labours of others. Then, as the lawyers have John-a-Nokes and Tom-a-Stiles, so we have Messieurs Moore near St Paul"s and Smith near the Royal Exchange.
SCENE VI.--_To them_, LUCKLESS.
_Luck_. Mr Bookweight, your servant. Who can form to himself an idea more amiable than of a man at the head of so many patriots working for the benefit of their country.
_Book_. Truly, sir, I believe it is an idea more agreeable to you than that of a gentleman in the Crown-office paying thirty or forty guineas for abusing an honest tradesman.
_Luck_. Pshaw! that was only jocosely done, and a man who lives by wit must not be angry at a jest.
_Book_. Look ye, sir, if you have a mind to compromise the matter, and have brought me any money--
_Luck_. Hast thou been in thy trade so long, and talk of money to a modern author? You might as well have talked Latin or Greek to him. I have brought you paper, sir.
_Book_. That is not bringing me money, I own. Have you brought me an opera?
_Luck_. You may call it an opera if you will, but I call it a puppet-show.
_Book_. A puppet-show!
_Luck_. Ay, a puppet show; and is to be played this night at Drury-lane playhouse.
_Book_. A puppet-show in a playhouse!
_Luck_. Ay, why, what have been all the playhouses a long while but puppet-shows?
_Book_. Why, I don"t know but it may succeed; at least if we can make out a tolerable good t.i.tle-page: so, if you will walk in, if I can make a bargain with you I will. Gentlemen, you may go to dinner.