There are vain men, so weak, as to pride themselves on external attractions alone. But they are hollow-hearted. Woe to her, who commits her happiness to one of these sh.e.l.ls of humanity. She is trusting to a treacherous hope. Her love, far from being pure, is that which
"dies With beauty, which is varying every hour; While, in chaste hearts, uninfluenced by the power Of outward change, there blooms a deathless flower That breathes on earth the air of paradise."
Not a few marry from Fancy alone. They are attracted toward a gentleman by his manners and external appearance. They conceive a liking for another, because he has a pleasant voice, or an engaging smile, or is full of gaiety and wit. The influence of these qualities is felt by us all; nor is it wrong to give them some weight, in forming our estimate of one as a companion. But what are they all, if disconnected from a praiseworthy character? She who gives her heart, for this poor price, will sometime awake to a sense of her delusion. The imagination has an influence, perhaps an unavoidable one, on the affections. We invest a favorite with ideal charms, and put out of sight his faults. But in contemplating the solemn relation of marriage, no lady should abandon the exercise of her reason. Love, it is said, often so excites the fancy as to call forth effusions of poetry, where they were hitherto unknown.
But woe to her, who cheats herself with the belief that the creature of her imagination is a real being, who will not listen to the counsels of understanding, but rushes blindly down the precipice, which, with one open eye, she might easily have foreseen.
A recent writer, in giving advice to young ladies, speaks of "novels and tales," and especially of the "best fictions of our day, as holding up to view the mistakes and faults, which young persons are most likely to commit on the subject of love and matrimony, in such a way as is likely to prevent their repet.i.tion." With deference to one so intelligent in her remarks on other topics, I must differ from her on this. I believe that the reading of novels almost uniformly operates unfavorably on the female heart. In the first place, fict.i.tious writings are very seldom read, except for the sake of the story. Let the author append a moral to his book, who thinks of stopping to read that? But again, where is the novel, which is an exact transcript of real life? There may be no one character in a work, that is not somewhat natural. Yet are the relations of each to all the others such as those in which we daily see people placed? Are not the remarks of the speakers often forced and strained?
Do such loves occur in this working-day world? Are not the incidents, and the plot in general, indebted largely to the writer"s imagination, for the effect they produce on the reader?
It is the reading of fiction and impure poetry, more than all things else, I fear, which leads so many females to sacrifice themselves to unprincipled and base-hearted men. Instead of consulting these works, as a guide in marriage, let every one take counsel of her sober judgment.
When "the dreams of youth are fled," and the novel ceases to captivate, we shall be left in a pitiable condition, if united to a being whom we could give no good _reason_ for marrying. Fancy alone, much more a mere whim, is a fearful agent, with whom to entrust our entire happiness for life.
There are those who accept the hand of another, because enticed by Flattery. The human heart is never more exposed to the poison of this insidious foe than in the affairs of love. A lady is beautiful, and she is praised to excess for her personal attractions. Her vanity is soothed, and her mind is so darkened, that she sees no bad motive whatever, and no blemish in the flatterer. "A woman," says one well versed in our nature, "can always find a palliation for the misdeeds which are set in motion by her own beauty." How often do we see the faults of the flatterer, in this way, actually converted into graces.
Or a lady is but moderately well-favored, and is commended on that point where she felt a distrust of herself. The a.s.surance of her charms rushes like a tide over her spirit, and she surrenders herself a victim to blandishments. Or she may be even personally plain. The praise of some one good feature, will then suffice, perhaps, to subdue her affections.
Is one more cultivated than her s.e.x in general? He, who offers incense to her intellect, may intoxicate and win. How often does this kind of adulation succeed, where the commendation of personal attractions would have failed. But let her, who is subjected to gross and excessive flattery, ask her own heart, "Do I respect this individual? Has he my sober esteem? Can I look on his character, and say it is such as to give promise of happiness to his bosom companion?" These few questions would often dissolve the spell. If you marry one, such as I describe above, he may continue through the bridal month this delicious repast, but amid growing cares, when busy and anxious, you shall soon find that the syren voice is hushed. It will be you, who must then speak sweet words. To you, will he turn for those kind attentions, which the habit of being caressed and complimented, and never forgetting yourself, will have miserably prepared you to bestow.
It requires much watchfulness to shun the contagion of an earthly Pa.s.sion, in forming the marriage tie. We should be perfectly certain that our impulses are all pure, that it is the moral and intellectual we prize in our friend. The spirit alone can profit us. An intemperate woman always shocks us beyond measure. She, who lives for the pleasures of the table, falls from the rank of her s.e.x. All who would preserve their integrity, must guard against every gross and low tendency, and cultivate in their inmost soul a regard for character alone, and a desire of spiritual acquisitions, in their partner for life.
Some are charmed by personal Bravery. It is often remarked, that the female s.e.x admire military characters. Being const.i.tutionally timid, the courage they a.s.sociate with the soldier, is to them always an attractive quality. They lean upon it fondly, for protection in their own physical weakness. In the Island of Borneo, no man is allowed to solicit a damsel in marriage until he has cut off the head of an enemy. To how many, in Christian lands, is personal prowess a primary recommendation, in a candidate for marriage.
Yet are not tenderness, fidelity, and constancy, quite as important in a husband, as physical courage? She who gives herself for a plume or an epaulet, or for the bravery they are thought to indicate, will learn, in after days, that although the oak be admirable for its stoutness, there are gentler trees one would desire in the garden of domestic love.
Many matches are made solely through the accidental Proximity of the parties. A young lady visits a friend often, and the brother, by being daily seen, engages her affections. Perhaps a gentleman boards in the family of her father. The simple circ.u.mstance of her being more in his society, than in that of others of his age, is the foundation of their marriage. There seems almost a fatality in these cases, they so often occur.
Now I am far from recommending a female to put on an unnatural reserve toward those she sees thus frequently; but let her recollect, that the mere fact of her interchanging so many thoughts and feelings with another, predisposes both to a more intimate connection. It is better, if the connection would be an improper one, to prevent such a consummation, by decided conduct in the outset, than by encouragements to induce an offer, you may feel compelled to accept. Are you much thrown by accident into the company of a particular gentleman? Be sure that your deportment toward him be not such as to mislead him, in regard to your estimate of his character. Avoid every thing that shall seem to make it a matter of course that you will marry him. Study his traits, and look on him in all respects precisely as you would on any other a.s.sociate. Let it not be said by others that you are fated to marry a certain person, because you are so much in his society.
A young woman is often induced to marry a man for the sake of his Family Connections. They are, perhaps, wealthy, and have a high standing in society, on that account. Or, they are respected for their name and rank, as descendants of worthy ancestors. The friends deem it "a good match;" the alliance is desirable on many accounts. Who can think of rejecting overtures from so eligible a quarter? All this is said and done with much the same feelings as the crowned heads of the Old World negociate intermarriages with one another, in cold blood, and as a business transaction. If the parties are of about equal standing, as regards their relatives, it is called on each side, "marrying into a good family," and what more can be desired?
Or, the lady may be raised in the world by connecting herself with a family superior, in fortune, or rank, to her own. To this surely, it will be said, no one can object. Were it not folly to lose so fine an opportunity of entering a renowned circle of relations? In Persia, the father first of all, selects a family, with whom he wishes to have his son connected. After this, he makes inquiries about the girl"s personal endowments. Is not something very like this often done in Christian lands? The leading question, in these cases, is, "What are the connections?" not, as it should be, the reverse of the practice in Persia, "Who and what is the individual particularly concerned?" The character, the principles, the disposition and heart of him, to whom a lady consigns her whole destiny, are thus actually put out of view, for the sake of his family! One may see, daily, alliances between individuals who come together evidently on account of their kindred alone; and who, for any congruity of disposition, or fitness of traits, might as well, like the English n.o.bility, have been betrothed in their cradles.
Many females marry for Personal Distinction. A gentleman is eminent in the political world, or as an author and scholar, or in military fame, or for skill and success in his calling; or he shines in fashionable society. The origin of this practice may sometimes be found in early education. The parents are ambitious of elevating their daughter by marriage. They awaken in her hopes and expectations above her condition in life. They teach her, by their conversation and deportment, if not directly, that her "being"s end and aim" is to rise in the world.
The cases are frequent, in which a girl is encouraged to receive the addresses of one, who is deficient in almost every quality requisite in a good husband, merely because he is "a great man." A writer observes that "love is our first toy, our second, display." But here this is completely reversed. Display is the first toy; as for love, that is an inferior consideration. You shall see a young woman led to barter herself to a man who is ignorant, proud, selfish, and unkind. "Let the person," says one, "be blind, lame, deformed, diseased, severe, morose, vicious, old, or good for nothing, if the parents can but a little advance their daughter above the quality or condition themselves have lived in, the poor child must be made a living sacrifice, and probably know no more happy days after the solemnization of her nuptials." We are told that in Naples, it is not uncommon for a n.o.bleman of decayed fortune, to send his daughters to a nunnery, because his means will not enable him to educate them for marriage in the highest circles of society. The recent tragedy enacted in the city of Philadelphia, was a mournful ill.u.s.tration of the dangers of parental ambition. A father had toiled for years, to ama.s.s wealth for the purpose of introducing his daughter to society in England, and elevating her to a high station in that land. She married contrary to his wishes, and in his fiend-like disappointment, wrought up to insanity, he actually murdered the victim of his rage, his own child. Why will parents thus attempt to coerce the chainless affections? Why should so many females consent to marry the objects of their aversion, nay, sometimes, of their disgust, for the sake of a name?
Woman has been known to marry from the love of Conquest, and the desire to rule. The female heart is susceptible of the love of power, and one may seek, or consent to join herself to, a husband, for the sake of having a subject, over whom continually to reign. We are told that Madam Gamarra, the wife of the President of Peru, is a "female Bonaparte, and though her husband is nominally the head of the republic, she is the real sovereign." How many smaller empires exhibit the same unnatural picture. It is in vain to say that the wife is the more capable of the two. This by no means exonerates her from blame, who deliberately entered the marriage state with so little respect for her companion, as to cherish a determined purpose of lording it over him, as her inferior.
Ambition of power is always a dangerous principle of conduct. She who consents to marry another, without love, esteem, or respect for him, and merely to queen it over his life, can hardly possess the Christian temper. She is a.s.suredly dest.i.tute of that chief grace of her s.e.x, deep and sincere affection. Mrs. Phelps says, on this subject, that "Submission and obedience belong to everything in the Universe, except the Great Master of the whole. It is a law, that support and protection demand obedience. Hence, the child is bound to yield this tribute to its parent, and the people to the laws, and the wife to the husband." This doctrine, although advanced by a female, is likely to meet with some remonstrance at this day. Yet surely, none will contend that the reverse of it, is a true one, that, contrary to the affirmation of Scripture, "the woman is the head of the man." Let the maiden turn from such thoughts in her earliest days.
"Now let a true ambition rise, And ardor fire her breast, To reign in worlds above the skies, In Heavenly glories drest."
Some ladies exchange their single condition, in the hope of escaping thereby the Toils and Cares of life. They picture to themselves the felicity of having one constantly devoted to the supply of their wants, and waiting to gratify their every wish. This looks all exceedingly captivating, in prospect. They expect from their friend not only the same attentions as he rendered during their engagement, but an increased service, from his being ever near them and having nothing but their happiness to occupy him.
But can a lady antic.i.p.ate these rivers of ease and pleasure, without securing the respect of her husband? No one, who reflects for a moment on the future, can do this. Does our friend expect the idolatry of her husband? She must recollect that "No respect,"--and, of course, no love,--"is lasting, but that which is produced by our being in some degree useful to those who pay it." No age ever erected altars to G.o.ds dest.i.tute of good qualities. She, who would be worshipped in the heart of her bosom companion, can secure this homage only by deserving it through exertion. Married life must be one of care and toil. Let no female delude herself by imagining it to be otherwise. It brings, where hearts are wedded, as well as hands, joys and supports far more than sufficient to lighten its burdens. But burdens let none think to shun in it.
Instances are not wanting, in which woman has given herself to a vicious companion, in the belief that she could reform him. The stage has often produced dramas, in which the hero, after a long course of conduct utterly inconsistent with matrimonial happiness, has at length been suddenly converted to the ways of virtue. Hence the false and pernicious maxim, that "a reformed rake makes the best husband." But in real life, it will be found that instantaneous changes, occurring on the eve of marriage, are usually adopted for the sake of appearances, and endure only so long as policy requires.
Dr. Dwight observes well on this point, that "nothing but folly can lead us to expect that this inst.i.tution can change the whole nature of those who enter into it; and like a magical spell, confer knowledge, virtue, and loveliness, upon beings who have neither." She who marries a man, that is addicted to immoral practices, incurs fearful hazards. Not only does she risk her personal happiness, from his vicious conduct, but she exposes her own character. Who can tell that, instead of being reformed by her, the husband may not entice her into his own sins, or into those equally ruinous? Will she calmly commit herself to the talons of the vulture, in the hope of taming his ferocity, and changing entirely his habits? The experiment is one which no woman of ordinary prudence will try.
The temptation I allude to is likely to be presented to many of this s.e.x, especially in populous places, where the vices cl.u.s.ter. Had I a friend thus exposed, I would entreat her to beware of looking with the least partiality on a profligate, or an unprincipled man. "Let him be a very courtier, for his grace and agreeableness in conversation," I would say to her, "be not you ensnared by his tongue." By a strange paradox, the worst men sometimes fancy and select pious females for their wives.
I do not deny that cases occur, in which the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife. But if gross sins be added to a want of religious faith, I contend that no woman is justified in forming this connection. Should she detect such traits and practices in her lover, on the eve of their marriage, she is bound to dismiss him. G.o.d will provide a lamb, if we come boldly to the altar, and keep not back our dearest affection.
Some females have consented to bestow their hand, without a gift of the heart, upon one who importuned them by ceaseless addresses. They did not love, nor could they, where consent to marriage was yielded with such reluctance. Perhaps some considerable aversion to the union was expressed, but it was at length abandoned, as they thought, from necessity. "I am fated," such an one will say, "to marry a person I cannot love, and so it must be." We have known many instances, in which it was paradoxically a.s.serted, that the lady "married a certain gentleman to get rid of him."
The sentiment of compa.s.sion, has a large share in some of these cases. A suitor relates his troubles again and again; his happiness will he forever blighted; he shall even sicken and die, if rejected. Desdemona listens to the story:
""Twas pitiful, "twas wondrous pitiful; She wished she had not heard it."
But alas, from pitying, the steps are few to "embracing." To relieve such sufferings, a lady resigns her every prospect of peace and comfort.
How many, indeed, after once rejecting a suitor, are moved by his renewed entreaties, to sacrifice themselves, merely to a.s.suage his flowing tears. They think it a duty, it may be, to forego every hope of happiness, to fly in the face of certain evil and woe, rather than see one so pained by a refusal.
Benevolence deserves commendation in all cases. Yet not always is it the result of sound judgment, or the demand of duty to marry one, because importuned to that step. He, who waits at your feet and implores acceptance, might not be so miserable after all, as he and you imagine, should you decline his overtures. In the cares of a busy world, he may find a draught of the waters of Lethe. His affections,--if it be a pure and deep love that impels him, and not insanity or mental intoxication,--may be turned into other channels, and the remnant of his life prove, after all, an endurable evil. He may be directed to a companion, who will render his lot far more agreeable than it could be, had you, with the feelings under which you separated, been his wife.
Besides, the instances are very rare in which a female is required, for the gratification of an importunate lover, to do what she feels must be suicidal to her own peace. As a Christian, she is bound to love others as herself, if you please, even as much as herself; but not more. If she offer up all her self-love, and take a course intended exclusively for the gratification of another, does she not go then beyond the gospel command? There are cases in which this may be a duty, but let a young woman ponder long and seriously, before concluding that hers is of that number. It may call for great energy to withstand importunities. She may sometimes feel that her resolution must give way; but let her consider the future, a whole life of aversion from one ever at her side, and if this seem her inevitable doom, did she now marry, she will remain firm in her purpose to the last.
Nearly related to the cla.s.s just described, are those who marry under the impression that it is their Duty to form this connection with some one. Public opinion demands it, as a matter of course; their parents have always conducted, as if this was their view of the subject, and the daughter conscientiously believes that she must conform to it. Now, if what I have hitherto said is correct, there is no such thing as an unconditional obligation to marry. It is a duty only when circ.u.mstances favor it. If there be decided objections against the character of the one, or the many, who may have made overtures of marriage to a young lady, it has never yet become her duty to marry. On the contrary, she is solemnly bound still to remain single, to wait until Providence indicates to her a prospect of so changing her situation, as to enhance her usefulness and happiness.
Marriage is regarded too often as a Business transaction. It is entered upon for prudential reasons alone; the heart is not interested, nor, of course, given at the altar. In our country, where all things take the form of traffic, there is especial danger that the most sacred bond which man can form, will bear a mercantile aspect, by being rudely exposed in the market place. Let prudence have her office in this matter, but let it always be subordinate to a higher principle.
Affection should prompt and impel; discretion ought only to act as a guide, a light, and counsellor, never as an originator and master, in matrimonial concerns. There is a wide chasm between imprudence and rashness in this transaction, and a Stoical sale of the hand, while the heart is kept back.
Some marry from Grat.i.tude. They have received pecuniary aid from another; or they have been a.s.sisted by him in sickness; or he was their friend in their afflictions or troubles. But can they not express their grat.i.tude otherwise than by marriage? If the single act, or few acts, of past favor, deserving though they be in themselves, const.i.tute his sole claim to their hand and heart, let them be slow in the gift.
Chapter IX.
CONDITIONS OF TRUE MARRIAGE.
But one divine cement. "Marrying to increase Love." Must be Free.
Advice of Parents. A rare example. Good Disposition. Good Temper.
Charity on Religious Opinions. Intelligence. Refined Taste. Good Health. Energy of Character. Similarity of Fortune; of Age. Early Marriages. View of them in Italy. Recommended by Dr. Franklin.
Objections. Lady Blessington.
Before forming any connection in life, we should consider well its objects, and the means by which they promise to be accomplished, and then ask ourselves if these be placed within our particular reach. Now what is marriage? _The union of two individual souls in one._ This is its essence, that without which, it loses all claim to the sacred name it bears. But what will secure a union of souls between husband and wife?
There is but one divine cement, Love. No subst.i.tute can atone for its absence; no talisman can produce consequences that belong only to this holy principle.
Many joys are inherent in a true marriage. It has sympathies, the most intimate of which mortals are capable, and it calls forth affections, such as pertain to no other voluntary relation of life. But these sentiments are the fruits of love alone. Disgust and aversion cannot produce them, nor are they the growth of indifference. If there be not a peculiar interest in the society of another, and a pain in his absence, no foundation is yet laid for a genuine marriage between him and yourself.
Again, there are evils incident to this life, which lose much of their bitterness, when shared with another. There is a sorrow of spirit, which none but a near friend can soothe. Peculiar trials belong also to the marriage condition. How can these evils and trials be mitigated to the wife, or the husband? Only by the power of love. If you dislike your companion, you cannot minister cordially to his griefs, nor will he partic.i.p.ate in yours. Marriage is an arch; if love be its keystone, it will stand firmly; it will grow stronger with time. That wanting, it will crumble in a day. Never should this relation be formed, except with such sentiments as give reasonable hope of an ever-growing love.
Our natural emotions, on witnessing a marriage without apparent affection, are painful. If a lady be compelled so to marry, we pity her doom; if she do it voluntarily, we cannot but feel a disgust at the connection. Yet how often, could we unveil human hearts, should we see at the altar, nothing deeper than stratagem, expediency, fancy, or at best, friendship, as the chief attractive cause. Is it right to complain ourselves, or should we wonder, at the spectacle of miserable matches in others, if the temple of marriage rest thus on wood, hay and stubble, instead of having gold, silver, and precious stones at its base?
"Marrying to increase love," says a writer, "is like gaming to get rich.
You are liable, in the hazard, to lose all you carry to the game." They, who join hands, with cold hearts, often cease even to respect one another. They become, in truth, like the pith-ball, in its approach to the electrified cylinder, the more fiercely repelled, the nearer the contact. If you do not love the individual you wed, above all his s.e.x; if nothing more than fancy and friendship draw you toward him, then your marriage will be indeed a "lottery," and yours may be a blank. Let there be genuine love, and if alienation afterward occur, it may be overcome by time and circ.u.mstances. Enter this condition in coldness, and strange will be the exception, if that chill ever be exchanged for a glow.