"Oh, mamma, I can never do it! I know what I am. I can"t let them say I will keep all the commandments always! It will not be true!"
"It will be true that you have the steadfast purpose, my dear."
"How can it be steadfast when I know I can"t?"
It was the old story, and all had to be argued through again how the obligation was already incurred at her baptism, and how it was needful that she should be sworn to her own side of the great covenant--how the power would be given, and the grace supplied, but that the will and purpose to obey was required--and then Sophy recurred to that blessing of the cross for which she longed so earnestly, and which again Albinia feared she was regarding in the light of a talisman.
Mr. Ferrars was to be her G.o.dfather. Mr. Kendal had wished Aunt Winifred, as Lucy called her, to be the G.o.dmother, but Sophy had begged earnestly for Mrs. Dusautoy, whose kindness had made a great impression.
There was not much liking between Mrs. Ferrars and Sophy. Perhaps Sophy had been fretted and angered by her quick, decided ways, and rather disgusted by the enthusiasm of her brother and sister about Fairmead; and she was not gratified by hearing that Winifred was to accompany her husband in order to try the experiment of a short absence from cares and children.
Albinia, on the contrary, was highly pleased to have Winifred to nurse, and desirous of showing off Sophy"s reformation. Winifred arrived late in the day, with an invalid look, and a great inclination to pine for her baby. She was so much tired, that Albinia took her upstairs very soon, and put her to bed, sitting with her almost all the evening, hoping that downstairs all was going on well.
The next morning, too, went off very well. Mr. Ferrars sought a private talk with his old G.o.dchild, and though Sophy scarcely answered, she liked his kind, frank, affectionate manner, and showed such feeling as he wished, so that he fully credited all that his sister thought of her.
Otherwise, Sophy was kept quiet, to gave her strength and collect her thoughts.
At seven o"clock in the evening, there was not a formidable congregation. Miss Meadows, who had been informed as late as could save offence, had treated it as a freak of Mrs. Kendal, resented the injunction of secrecy, and would neither be present herself, nor let her mother come out. Genevieve, three old men, and a child or two, were the whole number present. The daily service at Bayford was an offering made in faith by the vicar, for as yet there was very little attendance.
"But," said Mr. Dusautoy, "it is the worship of G.o.d, not an entertainment to please man--it is all nonsense to talk of its answering or not answering."
Mr. Kendal was in a state of far greater suffering from shame than his daughter, as indeed he deserved, but he endured it with a gallant, almost touching resignation. He was the only witness of her baptism, and it seemed like a confession, when he had to reply to the questions, by whom, and with what words this child had been baptized, when she stood beside him overtopping her little G.o.dmother. She stood with tightly-locked hands, and ebbing colour, which came back in a flood when Mr. Dusautoy took her by the hand, and said, "We receive this child into the congregation," and when he traced the cross on her brow, she stood tremblingly, her lips squeezed close together, and after she returned to her place no one saw her face.
Albinia, with her brother and Lucy, were at home by the short cut before the carriage could return. She met Sophy at the hall-door, kissed her, and said, "Now, my dear, you had better lie down, and be quite quiet;"
then followed Winifred into the drawing-room, and took her shawl and bonnet from her, lingering for a happy twilight conversation. Lucy came down, and went to water her flowers, and by-and-by tea was brought, the gentlemen came in from their walk, and Mr. Kendal asked whether Sophy was tired. Albinia went up to see. She found her on her couch in the morning room, and told her that tea was ready. There was something not promising in the voice that replied; and she said,
"No, don"t move, my dear, I will bring it to you; you are tired."
"No--I"ll go down, thank you." It was the gruff voice!
"Indeed you had much better not, my dear. It is only an hour to bed-time, and you would only tire yourself for nothing."
"I"ll go."
"You are tired, Sophy," said her father. "You had better lie down while you have your tea."
"No, thank you," growled Sophy, as though hurt by being told to lie down before company.
Her father put a sofa-cushion behind her, but though she mumbled some acknowledgment, it was so surly, that Mrs. Ferrars looked up in surprise, and she would not lean back till fatigue gained the ascendancy. Mr. Kendal asking her, got little in reply but such a grunt, that Mrs. Ferrars longed to shake her, but her father fetched a footstool, and put it under her feet, and grew a little abstracted in his talk, as if watching her, and his eye had something of the old habitual melancholy.
So it went on. The night"s rest did not carry off the temper. Sophy was monosyllabic, displeased if not attended to, but receiving attention like an affront, wanting nothing, but offended if it were not offered.
Albinia was exceedingly grieved. She had some suspicion that Sophy might have been hurt by her going to Mrs. Ferrars instead of to her on their return from church, and made an attempt at an apology, but this was snubbed like an additional affront, and she could only bide the time, and be greatly disappointed at such an exhibition before the guests.
Winifred looked on, forbearing to hurt Albinia"s feelings by remarks, but in private compensating by little outbreaks with her husband, teasing him about his hopeful G.o.ddaughter, laughing at Albinia"s infatuation, and railing at Mr. Kendal"s endurance of the ill-humour, which she declared he promoted.
Maurice, as usual, was provoking. He had no notion of giving up his G.o.dchild, he said, and he had no doubt that Edmund Kendal could manage his own child his own way.
"Because of his great success in that line."
"He is not what he was. He uses his sense and principle now, and when they are fairly brought to bear, I know no one whom I would more entirely trust."
"Well! it will be great good luck if I do not fall foul of Miss Sophy one of these days, if no one else will!"
Winifred was slightly irritable herself from weakness, and on the last morning of her stay she could bear the sight no longer. Sophy had twice been surly to Lucy"s good offices, had given Albinia a look like thunder, and answered her father with a sulky displeasure that made Mrs.
Ferrars exclaim, as soon as he had left the room, "I should never allow a child of mine to peak to her father in that manner!"
Sophy swelled. She did not think Mrs. Ferrars had any right to interfere between her and her father. Her silence provoked Winifred to continue, "I wonder if you have any compunction for having spoilt all your--all Mrs. Kendal"s enjoyment of our visit."
"I am not of consequence enough to spoil any one"s pleasure."
That was the last effort. Albinia came into the room, with little Maurice holding her hand, and flourishing a whip. He trotted up to the sofa, and began instantly to "whip sister Sophy;" serve her right, if I had but the whip, thought Mrs. Ferrars, as his mother hurried to s.n.a.t.c.h him off. Leaning over Sophy"s averted face, she saw a tear under her eyelashes, but took no notice.
Three seconds after, Sophy reared herself up, and with a rigid face and slow step walked out of the room.
"Have you said anything to her?" asked Albinia.
"I could not help it," said Winifred, narrating what had past. "Have I done wrong?"
"Edmund cannot bear to have anything harsh said to her in these moods, especially about her behaviour to himself. He thinks she cannot help it--but it may be well that she should know how it appears to other people, for I cannot bear to see his patient kindness spurned. Only, you know, she values it in her heart. I am afraid we shall have a terrible agony now."
Albinia was right. It was the worst agony poor Sophy had ever undergone.
She had been all this time ignorant that it was a cross fit, only imagining herself cruelly neglected and cast aside for the sake of Mrs.
Ferrars; but the wakening time had either arrived, or had been brought by that reproach, and she beheld her conduct in the most abhorrent light. After having desired to be pledged to her share of the covenant, and earnestly longed to bear the cross, to be sworn in as soldier and servant, to have put her neck under the yoke of her old master ere the cross had dried upon her brow, to have been meanly jealous, ungrateful, disrespectful, vindictive!! oh! misery, misery! hopeless misery! She would take no word of comfort when Albinia tried to persuade her that it had been partly the reaction of a mind wrought up to an occasion very simple in its externals, and of a body fatigued by exertion; and then in warm-hearted candour professed that she herself had been thoughtless in neglecting Sophy for Winifred. Still less comfort would she take in her father"s free forgiveness, and his sad entreaties that she would not treat these fits of low spirits as a crime, for they were not her fault, but that of her const.i.tution.
"Then one can"t help being hateful and wicked! Nothing is of any use! I had rather you had told me I was mad!" said poor Sophy.
She was so spent and exhausted with weeping, that she could not come down--indeed, between grief and nervousness she would not eat; and Albinia found Mr. Kendal mournfully persuading her, when a stern command would have done more good. Albinia spoke it: "Sophy, you have put your father to a great deal of pain already; if you are really grieving over it, you will not hurt him more by making yourself ill."
The strong will came into action on the right side, and Sophy sat up, took what was offered, but what was she that they should care for her, when she had spoilt mamma"s pleasure? Better go and be happy with Mrs.
Ferrars.
Sophy"s next visitor came up with a manly tread, and she almost feared that she had made herself ill enough for the doctor; but it was Mr.
Ferrars, with a kind face of pitying sympathy.
"May I come to wish my G.o.dchild good-bye?" he said.
Sophy did not speak, and he looked compa.s.sionately at the p.r.o.ne dejection of the whole figure, and the pale, sallow face, so piteously mournful. He took her hand, and began to tell her of the G.o.dfather"s present, that he had brought her--a little book of devotions intended for the time when she should be confirmed. Sophy uttered a feeble "thank you," but a hopeless one.
"Ah! you are feeling as if nothing would do you any good," said Mr.
Ferrars.
"Papa says so!" she answered.
"Not quite," said Mr. Ferrars. "He knows that your low spirits are the effect of temperament and health, and that you are not able to prevent yourself from feeling unhappy and aggrieved. And perhaps you reckoned on too much sensible effect from Church ordinances. Now joy, help, all these blessings are seldom revealed to our consciousness, but are matters of faith; and you must be content to work on in faith in the dark, before you feel comfort. I cannot but hope that if you will struggle, even when you are hurt and annoyed, to avoid the expression of vexation, the morbid temper will wear out, and you will both be tempted and suffer less, as you grow older. And, Sophy--forgive me for asking--do you pray in this unhappy state?"
"I cannot. It is not true."
"Make it true. Take some verse of a Psalm. Shall I mark you some? Repeat them, even if you seem to yourself not to feel them. There is a holy power that will work on you at last; and when you can truly pray, the dark hour will pa.s.s."