"Do you give me any hope?" cried Gilbert, his face gleaming into sudden eager brightness.
"Things have not become more suitable," said Albinia; and his look lapsed again into despondency; but she added, "Each step towards real manhood, force of character, and steadiness, would give you weight which might make your choice worth your father"s consideration, and you worth that of Genevieve."
"Oh! would you but have told me so before!"
"It was evident to your own senses," said Albinia; and she thought of the suggestion that Sophy had made.
"Too late! too late!" sighed Gilbert.
"No, never too late! You have had a warning; you are very young, and it cannot be too late for winning a character, and redeeming the time!"
"And you tell me I may love her!" repeated Gilbert, so intoxicated with the words, that she became afraid of them.
"I do not tell you that you may importune her, or disobey your father.
I only tell you that to look up and work and deny yourself, in honour of one so truly n.o.ble, is one of the best and most saving of secondary motives. I shall honour you, Gilbert, if you do so use it as to raise and support you, though of course I cannot promise that she can be earned by it, and even that motive will not do alone, however powerful you may think it."
Neither of them said more, but Gilbert sighed heavily several times, and would willingly have checked their homeward speed. He grew pale as they entered the town, and groaned as the gates swung back, and they rattled over the wooden bridge. It was about four o"clock, and he said, hurriedly, as with a sort of hope, "I suppose they are all out."
He was answered by a whoop of ecstasy, and before he was well out of the carriage, he was seized by the joyous Maurice, shouting that he had been for a ride with papa, without a leading rein. Happy age for both, too young to know more than that the beloved playfellow was at home again!
Little Albinia studied her brother till the small memory came back, and she made her pretty signs for the well-remembered dancing in his arms.
From such greetings, Gilbert"s wounded spirit could not shrink, much as he dreaded all others; and, carrying the baby and preceded by Maurice, while he again muttered that of course no one was at home, he went upstairs.
Albinia meantime tapped at the library door. She knew Mr. Kendal to be there, yearning to forgive, but thinking it right to have his pardon sought; and she went in to tell him of his son"s keen remorse, and deadly fear. Displeased and mournful, Mr. Kendal sighed. "He has little to fear from me, would he but believe so! He ought to have come to me, but--"
That "but" meant repentance for over-sternness in times past.
"Let me send him to you."
"I will come," said Mr. Kendal, willing to spare his son the terror of presenting himself.
There was a pretty sight in the morning-room. Gilbert was on the floor with the two children, Maurice intent on showing how nearly little Albinia could run alone, and between ordering and coaxing, drawing her gently on; her beautiful brown eyes opened very seriously to the great undertaking, and her round soft hands, with a mixture of confidence and timidity, trusted within the st.u.r.dy ones of her small elder, while Gilbert knelt on one knee, and stretched out a protecting arm, really to grasp the little one, if the more childish brother should fail her, and his countenance, lighted up with interest and affection, was far more prepossessing than when so lately it had been, full of cowering, almost abject apprehension.
Was it a sort of instinctive feeling that the little sister would be his best shelter, that made him gather the child into his arms, and hold her before his deeply blushing face as he rose from the floor? She merrily called out, "Papa!" Maurice loudly began to recount her exploits, and thus pa.s.sed the salutation, at the end of which Gilbert found that his father was taking the little one from him, and giving her to her mother, who carried her away, calling Maurice with her.
"Have you nothing to say to me?" said Mr. Kendal, after waiting for some moments; but as Gilbert only looked up to him with a piteous, scared, uncertain glance, be added; "You need not fear me; I believe you have erred more from weakness than from evil inclinations, and I trust in the sincerity of your repentance."
These kind words softened Gilbert; he a.s.sured his father of his thanks for his kindness, no one could grieve more deeply, or be more anxious to atone in any possible manner for what he had unwittingly done.
"I believe you, Gilbert," said his father; "but you well know that the only way of atoning for the past, as well as of avoiding such wretchedness and disgrace for the future, is to show greater firmness."
"I know it is," said Gilbert, sorrowfully.
"I cannot look into your heart," added Mr. Kendal. "I can only hope and believe that your grief for the sin is as deep, or deeper, than that for the public stigma, for which comparatively, I care little."
Gilbert exclaimed that so indeed it was, and this was no more than the truth. Out of sight of temptation, and in that pure atmosphere, the loud revel and coa.r.s.e witticisms that had led him on, were only loathsome and disgusting, and made him miserable in the recollection.
"I am ready to submit to anything," he added, fervently. "As long as you forgive me, I am ready to bear anything."
"I forgive you from my heart," said Mr. Kendal, warmly. "I only wish to consider what may be most expedient for you. I should scarcely like to send you back to Oxford to retrieve your character, unless I were sure that you would be more resolute in resisting temptation. No, do not reply; your actions during this time of penance will be a far more satisfactory answer than any promises. I had thought of again applying to your cousin John, to take you into his bank, though you could not now go on such terms as you might have done when there was no error in the background, and I still sometimes question whether it be not the safer method."
"Whatever you please," said Gilbert; "I deserve it all."
"Nay, do not look upon my decision, whatever it may be, as punishment, but only as springing from my desire for your real welfare. I will write to your cousin and ask whether he still has a vacancy, but without absolutely proposing you to him, and we will look on the coming months as a period of probation, during which we may judge what may be the wisest course. I will only ask one other question, Gilbert, and you need not be afraid to answer me fully and freely. Have you any debts at Oxford?"
"A few," stammered Gilbert, with a great effort.
"Can you tell me to whom, and the amount?"
He tried to recollect as well as he could, while completely frightened and confused by the gravity with which his father was jotting them down in his pocket-book.
"Well, Gilbert," he concluded, "you have dealt candidly with me, and you shall never have cause to regret having done so. And now we will only feel that you are at home, and dwell no longer on the cause that has brought you. Come out, and see what we have been doing in the meadow."
Gilbert seemed more overthrown and broken down by kindness than by reproof. He hardly exerted himself even to play with Maurice, or to amuse his grandmother; and though his sisters treated him as usual, he never once lifted up his eyes to meet Sophy"s glance, and scarcely used his voice.
Nothing could be more disarming than such genuine sorrow; and Sophy, pardoning him with all her heart, and mourning for her past want of charity, watched him, longing to do something for his comfort, and to evince her tenderness; but only succeeded in enc.u.mbering every petty service or word of intercourse with a weight of sad consciousness.
CHAPTER XXI.
"I had almost written to ask your pardon," said Mrs. Dusautoy, as Albinia entered her drawing-room on the afternoon following. "I should like by way of experiment to know what _would_ put that boy out of countenance. He listened with placid graciousness to his uncle"s lecture, and then gave us to understand that he was obliged for his solicitude, and that there was a great deal of jealousy and misrepresentation at Oxford; but he thought it best always to submit to authorities, however unreasonable. And this morning, after amiably paying his respects to me, he said he was going to inquire for Gilbert.
I intimated that Willow Lawn was the last place where he would be welcome, but he was far above attending to me. Did Gilbert see him?"
"Gilbert was in the garden with us when we were told he was in the house. Poor fellow, he shuddered, and looked as if he wanted me to guard him, so I sent him out walking with Maurice while I went in, and found Lucy entertaining the gentleman. I made myself as cold and inhospitable as I could, but I am afraid he rather relishes a dignified retenue."
"Poor boy! I wonder what on earth is to be done with him. I never before knew what John"s love and patience were."
"Do you think he will remain here?"
"I cannot tell; we talk of tutors, but John is really, I believe, happier for having him here, and besides one can be sure the worst he is doing is painting a lobster. However, much would depend on what you and Mr. Kendal thought. If he and Gilbert were doing harm to each other, everything must give way."
"If people of that age will not keep themselves out of harm"s way, n.o.body can do it for them," said Albinia, "and as long as Gilbert continues in his present mood, there is more real separation in voluntarily holding aloof, than if they were sent far apart, only to come together again at college."
Gilbert did continue in the same mood. The tender cherishing of his home restored his spirits; but he was much subdued, and deeply grateful, as he manifested by the most eager and affectionate courtesy, such as made him almost the servant of everybody, without any personal aim or object, except to work up his deficient studies, and to avoid young Dusautoy.
He seemed to cling to his family as his protectors, and to follow the occupations least likely to lead to a meeting with the Polysyllable; he was often at church in the week, rode with his father, went parish visiting with the ladies, and was responsible when Maurice fished for minnows in the meadows. Nothing could be more sincerely desirous to atone for the past and enter on a different course, and no conduct could be more truly humble or endearing.
The imaginary disdain of Ulick O"More was entirely gone, and perceiving that the Irishman"s delicacy was keeping him away from Willow Lawn, Gilbert himself met him and brought him home, in the delight of having heard of a naval cadetship having been offered to his brother, and full of such eager joy as longed for sympathy.
"Happy fellow!" Gilbert murmured to himself.
Younger in years, more childish in character, poor Gilbert had managed to make his spirit world-worn and weary, compared with the fresh manly heart of the Irishman, all centered in the kindred "points of Heaven and home," and enjoying keenly, for the very reason that he bent dutifully with all his might to a humble and uncongenial task.
Yet somehow, admire and esteem as he would, there arose no intimacy or friendship between Gilbert and Ulick; their manners were frank and easy, but there was no spontaneous approach, no real congeniality, nor exchange of mind and sympathy as between Ulick and Mr. Kendal. Albinia had a theory that the friendship was too much watched to take; Sophy hated herself for the recurring conviction that "Gilbert was not the kind of stuff," though she felt day by day how far he excelled her in humility, gentleness, and sweet temper.
When the Goldsmiths gave their annual dinner-party, Albinia felt a sudden glow at the unexpected sight of Ulick O"More.