There are around every young woman, those whose judgment is worth something in this matter. It is not always the old--though it is more generally such. There are those who live in the world almost half a century without learning any thing; and there are also those who become wise in a quarter of a century. The wise, whatever may be their age, are the persons for you to consult; and the older such persons are, the better--because the greater is likely to be their wisdom. The truly wise, are always growing wiser; it is the fool alone who remains stationary. Wise and observing friends will probably tell you--or at least relate anecdotes to you, from which you may gather the conclusion--that when the clothes of a child have caught fire, you may often smother the flame by wrapping him instantly in a thick woollen blanket:--that it is seldom entirely safe to open the doors into an adjoining room--at least without great caution--when the house which we are in is discovered to be on fire; but the best way, as a general rule, is, to escape by the scuttle, if there be one, or by a ladder, or by letting ourselves down to the ground, if the distance is not too great, through the windows. This last is often the best way, though not always the most expeditious one. Many sleep with a rope in their bed-rooms to tie to the bed-post, as a means of letting themselves down, should there be occasion; while others rely on the bed-clothes--to make a rope of them by tying several articles together.
But it was no part of my purpose, in this work, to direct to the appropriate methods of saving ourselves or our friends from harm, in case of accidents or emergencies; but only to point to the subject, and leave the reader to pursue it. The intelligent young woman who sets about gaining the habit of self-command, will not only consult the experience of others, but observe, and reflect, and reason on the case, herself. She will often originate plans and means of escape, in places and, circ.u.mstances of danger, which she would not gain from others in a hundred or a thousand years.
There is one other means of improvement in the art of self-command, on which I do not know that any writer on the subject has dwelt with much earnestness. And yet it is as plain and simple as can be. It is to make the most of every little accident or emergency that actually overtakes or surprises us. I know from personal experience, that a great deal may be done in this way. There are those who, though they were formerly frightened half out of their senses, at the sudden sight of a harmless snake, have brought themselves, by dint of long effort, to so much presence of mind, as only to start a little at first--and to be as calm, and composed, and self-possessed, in a few seconds afterward, as if nothing had happened. And the same presence of mind may be obtained in other surprises or emergencies. Besides, she who is learning to command herself at sight of a snake or a dog; is at the same time acquiring the power to command herself in any other circ.u.mstances where self-command may be necessary.
I wish the principle indicated by the last statement were more generally perceived. I wish it were distinctly understood, that what we want is, to gain the habit of self-command in all circ.u.mstances, rather than to be able to work ourselves up to a proper state of feeling in particular cases; and that this habit is to be acquired by frequent familiar conversation on the subject, and by daily practice in the continually recurring small matters of life. It is, indeed, in governing ourselves in these small matters--which recur so frequently, and are regarded as so trifling as to have not only no moral character in themselves, but no influence in the formation of character--that the art to which I am now directing your attention, is to be chiefly acquired. They who defer the work till some larger or more striking emergency arrives, will not be likely to make much progress; for they begin at the wrong end of the matter. They begin exactly where they ought to end.
CHAPTER IX.
DECISION OF CHARACTER.
Decision of character as important to young women as to others. Why it is so. Ill.u.s.tration of the subject by a Scripture anecdote. Misery and danger of indecision. How to reform. Perseverance. Errors of modern education.
This trait of character has been recommended to young men too exclusively. I know of no reason why it is not equally important to young women, and equally becoming the s.e.x in general. One thing, at any rate, I do know; which is, that thousands of young women--and the world through their imperfection--suffer, in no trifling degree, from the want of this virtue.
I call it a _virtue._ What is there that produces more evil--directly or indirectly--than the want of power, when occasion requires it, to say YES, or NO? As long as with half the human race--and the more influential half, too-_no_ does not mean _no,_ and _yes_ does not mean _yes,_ there will be a vast amount of vice, and crime, and suffering in the world, as the natural consequence. And is not that which is the cause of so much evil, nearly akin to vice? And is any thing more ent.i.tled to the name of virtue, than its opposite?
Let me ill.u.s.trate my meaning by a Scripture example. When Balak, the king of Moab, undertook to extort a curse upon Israel, from Balaam, the latter did not say _no_; but only said, the Lord would not permit him to do what was required. He left neither to Balak nor to his messengers, any reason to conclude that his virtue was invulnerable. On the contrary, as the event plainly shows, his answer was just such a one as encouraged them to prosecute their attempts to seduce him.
Now it is precisely this sort of refusal, direct or implied, in a thousand cases which might be named, which brings down evil, not only upon those who make it, but upon others. They mean _no_, perhaps; and yet it is not certain that the decision is--like the laws of the Medea and Persians--irrevocable. Something in the tone, or manner, or both combined, leaves room to hope for success in time to come. "The woman who deliberates, is lost," we are told: and is it not so? Do not many who say _no_ with hesitancy, still retain the power and the disposition to deliberate? And is it not so understood?
It is--I repeat it--a great misfortune--a very great one--not to know how and when to say NO. Indeed, the undecided are more than unfortunate; they are very unsafe. They who cannot say _no_, are never their own keepers; they are always, more or less, in the power and at the command of others. They may form a thousand resolutions a day, to withstand in the hour of temptation; and yet, if the temptation comes, and they have not acquired decision of character, it is ten to one but they will yield to it.
Is it too much to say, that half the world are miserable on this account,--miserable themselves, and a source of misery to others? Is it too much to say, that decision of character is more important to young women than to any other cla.s.s of persons whatever?
But as it is in every thing or almost every thing else, so it is in this matter: they who would reform themselves, must begin with the smaller matters of life. The great trials--those of decision no less than those of other traits of human character--come but seldom; and they who allow themselves, habitually, to vacillate, and hesitate, and remain undecided, in the every-day concerns of life, will inevitably do so in those larger matters which recur less frequently.
No one will succeed in acquiring true decision of character, without perseverance. A few feeble efforts, continued a day or two, or a week, are by no means sufficient to change the character or form the habit.
The efforts must be earnest, energetic, and unremitted; and must be persevered in through life.
I am not ignorant that many philosophers and physiologists have denied that woman possesses the power of perseverance in what she undertakes, in any eminent degree. A British writer, distinguished for his boldness, if not for his metaphysical acuteness, maintains with much earnestness, that woman, by her vital organization, is much wanting in perseverance. This notion may or may not be true. Certain it is, however, that she has her peculiarities, as well as man his. But whether she has little or much native power of perseverance in what she undertakes, is not so important a question, as whether she makes a proper use of the power she possesses.
"Who does the best his circ.u.mstance allows, Does well; acts n.o.bly: angels could no more."
We are required, however, to do that best which "circ.u.mstance" does allow, as much as is the highest seraph; and woman is not the less bound to persevere in matters where perseverance would become her, because her native power of perseverance is feeble, if indeed it is so.
On the contrary, this very fact makes the duty of perseverance to the utmost extent of the means G.o.d has put into her hands, the more urgent--especially as _small powers_ are apt to be overlooked.
There is one habit which should be cultivated, not only for its usefulness in general, but especially for its value in leading to true decision of character. I mean, the habit of doing every thing which it devolves upon us to do at all, precisely _at the time_ when it ought to be done. Every thing in human character goes to wreck, under the reign of procrastination, while prompt action gives to all things a corresponding and proportional life and energy. Above all, every thing in the shape of decision of character is lost by delay. It should be a sacred rule with every individual who lives in the world for any higher purpose than merely to live, never to put off, for a single moment, a thing which ought to be done immediately--if it be no more than the cleaning or changing of a garment.
When I see a young woman neglecting, from day to day, her correspondents--her pile of letters constantly increasing, and her dread of putting pen and thoughts to paper acc.u.mulating as rapidly--I never fail to conclude, at once, that whatever other excellent qualities she may possess, she is a stranger to the one in question.
She who cannot make up her mind to answer a letter when she knows it ought to be answered--and in general a letter ought to be answered soon after it is received--will not be likely to manifest decision in other things of still greater importance. The same is true, as I have said already several times, in regard to indecision in other things of even less moment than the writing of a letter. It is manifest especially in regard to the matter of rising in the morning. She who knows it is time to get up, and yet cannot decide to do so, and consequently lies yawning a little longer, "and yet a little longer still," can never, I am bold to say, while this indolence and indecision are indulged, be decided in any thing else--at least; habitually.
She may, indeed, be so by fits and starts; but the habit will never be so confirmed as to be regarded as an essential element of her character.
Nearly all the habits of modern female education--I mean the _fashionable_ education of the family and school--are entirely at war with the virtue I am endeavoring to inculcate. It would be a miracle, almost, if a young woman who has been educated in a fashionable family, under the eye of a fashionable mother, and at a fashionable boarding school, under the direction of a teacher whose main object is to please her patrons, should come out to the world, without being quite dest.i.tute of all true decision of character. If it were the leading object of our boarding schools to form the habit of indecision, they could not succeed better than many of them now do. They furnish to the world a set of beings who are any thing but what the world wants, and who are more likely to do almost any thing else, than to be the means of reforming it.
CHAPTER X
SELF-DEPENDENCE.
Fashionable education. Why there is so little self-dependence in the world. Why orphans sometimes make out well in the world. Error corrected. What young women once were. What they are now. The best character formed under difficulties. Cause of the present helpless condition of females. Three or four to get breakfast. Modes of breaking up these habits. Anecdote of an independent young woman. Appeal to the reader.
Here, again, our fashionable modes of education are wrong; and here, too, almost every young woman who is determined on improvement, has a great work to perform.
It is one of the most difficult things in the world--perhaps it is one of the impossibles--to bring up children amid comforts and conveniences, and yet at the same time to cultivate in them the habit of self-dependence--or, as some would call it, the habit of independence.
And yet nothing is more true, than that human character has always, with few if any exceptions, been most fully developed and most harmoniously and healthfully formed, amid difficulties. Mr. M"Clure, the distinguished geologist, whose opportunities for observation in the world have been very great, says that orphans, as a general rule, make their way best in the world. Without claiming for myself so many years of observation, by thirty or forty, as this distinguished veteran in natural science, I should be glad to make one modification of his conclusion, before adopting it as my own. I would say, that the misfortune of having no parents at all, is scarcely greater than that of having over-indulgent ones; and that the number of those who are spoiled by indulgence, is greater than the number of those who are spoiled by being made orphans.
It cannot be that an inst.i.tution ordained by Heaven as one of its first laws, should so completely fail in accomplishing its design--that of blessing mankind--as Mr. M"Clure represents. It cannot be that parents, as a general rule, are a misfortune. Such a belief is greatly erroneous.
The truth is, that when we look about us and see so many spoiled, who appear to be well bred, our attention is so exclusively directed to these strange, but, in a dense population, frequently occurring cases, that we begin, ere long, to fancy the exception to be the general rule.
And again, when we see here and there an orphan--and in a population like ours, quite a mult.i.tude in the aggregate--making her way well in the world, we are liable to make another wrong conclusion, and to say that her success belongs to the general rule, when it is only an exception to it.
Nevertheless--and I have no wish to conceal the fact--it is extremely difficult, if not dangerous, to attempt to form good and useful character in the lap of ease and indulgence. There needs privation and hard struggle, to develope the soul and the body. Even Zion, the city of our G.o.d, is represented in Scripture as recruiting her inhabitants only by throes and agonies.
Let it not be thought, then, that our young women in New England--a land of comparative ease, quiet and affluence--can be brought up as they ought to be, without much pains-taking. A century ago, things were, in this respect, more favorable. Then there were struggles; and these were the means of forming a race of men and women, of whom the world might have been proud. Then the young women knew how to take care of themselves; and having been taught how to take care of themselves, they knew how to take care of others.
But "times are altered." Thousands of young women--and the same is true of young men--are trained from the very cradle, scarcely to know any thing of want or difficulty. All is comparative ease, and comfort, and quiet around them; and they are led by ease and indulgence to love to have it so. They are trained, as I have elsewhere said, to depend on the world and its inhabitants for their happiness--not to originate happiness and diffuse it. They are trained, in effect, to believe that happiness, or blessedness, consists--contrary to the saying of our Lord and Saviour--in _receiving_; not in _giving_.
The time _was_, I say once more, when most young women, if thrown by the hard hand of necessity upon their own resources, could yet take care of themselves. No matter how great their poverty or affliction--how large or how deep their cup of adversity or trial--they would, in general, struggle through it, and come out as gold seven times refined. Mothers left with large families of helpless children, and with no means of sustaining them but the labor of their own hands, and daughters left without either parent, would wind their way along in the world, and the world be both the wiser and the better for their influence.
Now, on the contrary, mothers and young women left dest.i.tute, are apt to be, of all beings, except the merest infants of the former, the most helpless.
This applies to even a large portion of what are called the poor. In reality, however, we have no poor--or next to none. Our very paupers are comparatively rich. They dress, and eat, and drink, and _dwell_ like princes. How, then, can they be so very poor?
It is true, that nearly all of our young women are trained to something in the shape of labor. Very few, indeed, are trained to positive indolence. But what is their labor, generally speaking? A little sewing, or knitting, or embroidery; or still worse, in circ.u.mstances of poverty or peculiar necessity, a life of spinning, or weaving, or braiding; or some other mechanical occupation which has no tendency to prepare them for true self-dependence.
I have said we have little poverty existing among us. Is it not so? Is not the life of young women in the great ma.s.s of our New England families, very far removed from any feeling of want or suffering?
But though not trained in real indigence, they might be trained to self-dependence. They might be, and always ought to be, trained to make their own beds; make and mend their own garments; make bread; and, in fact, to attend to the whole usual routine of duties involved in the care of themselves and a family. But is it so? Are not all these things done, to a vast extent, either by servants, hired girls, or the mother?
And if the mother employs her daughters in a.s.sisting her, is it not apt to be just so far as is _convenient to herself_, and no farther? In short, who can often find the individual mother or daughter, who considers hard work, and care, and obstacles, and difficulties--such as all the world acknowledge are required in order to form good and useful character--as any thing but task work and drudgery--a curse, and not a blessing, to mankind?
True it is--and greatly to be lamented--that many of our young women are not well able, for want of physical vigor and energy, to encounter poverty, and hardship, and obstacles, and suffering. But this deteriorated condition of female character in New England, is owing, in no small degree, to the very kind of education--miseducation, rather--of which I am now complaining. Would mothers do their duty--could they do it, I mean, in the midst of abundance--the state of things would be very much altered for the better.
It is not uncommon in the schools of Europe, especially the female schools, to a.s.sign to each older pupil the care of some younger one, for whom she is more or less responsible, particularly as to behaviour.
This leads, in no small degree, to self-effort and self-dependence; and might be practised in families as well as in schools, with equally good effects.
But there is another course which is better still, in many respects. It is not unusual in our New England families, where there are several daughters, when they are employed at all--I mean about household concerns--to have them all employed at the same thing at once. Thus, if breakfast is to be prepared, all are to engage in it. One goes this way, another that, and another that; and it sometimes happens that they cross each other"s path and come into actual conflict. One goes for one thing, another for another, and so on; and it is not uncommon for two or three to go for the same article.