Enter Justice Possum, and Clerk.
_Fos._ Mr. justice Possum, for now I must so call you, not brother Possum; here is a troublesome fellow with a child, which he would leave in my house.
_Pos._ Another man"s child? he cannot in law.
_Fos._ It seemeth to me to be a child unlawfully begotten.
_Pos._ A b.a.s.t.a.r.d! who does he lay it to?
_Fos._ To our family.
_Pos._ Your family, _quatenus_ a family, being a body collective, cannot get a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Is this child a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, honest friend?
_Sail._ I was neither by when his mother was show"d, nor when she was unladen; whether he belong to a fair trader, or be run goods, I cannot tell: In short here I was sent, and here I will leave him.
_Pos._ Dost then know his mother, friend?
_Sail._ I am no midwife, master; I did not see him born.
_Pos._ You had best put up this matter, doctor. A man of your years, when he has been wanton, cannot be too cautious.
_Fos._ This is all from the purpose. I was married this morning at seven; let any man in the least acquainted with the powers of nature, judge whether that human creature could be conceiv"d and brought to maturity in one forenoon.
_Pos._ This is but talk, doctor Fossile. It is well for you, though I say it, that you have fallen into the hands of a person, who has study"d the civil and canon law in the point of b.a.s.t.a.r.dy. The child is either yours or not yours.
_Foss._ My child, Mr. Justice!
_Pos._ Look ye, doctor Fossile, you confound filiation with legitimation. Lawyers are of opinion, that filiation is necessary to legitimation, but not _e contra_.
[_The child cries_
_Foss._ I would not starve any of my own species, get the infant some water-pap. But Mr. Justice----
_Pos._ The proofs, I say, doctor, of filiation are five. Nomination enunciatively p.r.o.nounc"d, strong presumptions, and circ.u.mstantial proofs--
_Foss._ What is all this to me? I tell you I know nothing of the child.
_Pos._ Signs of paternal piety, similitude of features, and commerce with the mother. And first of the first, nomination. Has the doctor ever been heard to call the infant, son?
_Town._ He has call"d him child, since he came into this room. You have indeed, Mr. Fossile.
_Pos._ Bring hither the doctor"s great bible.----Let us examine in the blank leaf whether he be enroll"d among the rest of his children.
_Foss._ I tell you, I never had any children. I shall grow distracted, I shall----
_Pos._ But did you give any orders against registring the child by the name of Fossile?
_Foss._ How was it possible?
_Pos._ Set down that, clerk. He did not prohibit the registring the child in his own name. We our selves have observed one sign of fatherly tenderness; clerk, set down the water-pap he order"d just now. Come we may----
_Foss._ What a jargon is this!
_Pos._ Come we now, I say, to that which the lawyers call _magnum naturae argumentum_, similitude of features. Bring hither the child, friend; Dr.
Fossile, look upon me. The unequal circle of the infant"s face, somewhat resembles the inequality of the circ.u.mference of your countenance; he has also the vituline or calf-like concavity of the profile of your visage.
_Foss._ Pish.
_Pos._ And he is somewhat beetle-brow"d, and his nose will rise with time to an equal prominence with the doctor"s.
_Town._ Indeed he has somewhat of your nose Mr. Fossile.
_Foss._ Ridiculous!
_Town._ The child is comely.
_Pos._ Consider the large aperture of his mouth.
_Sail._ Nay, the tokens are plain enough. I have the fellow of him at home; but my wife told me two days ago, that this with the wall-eye and splay-foot belong"d to you, Sir.
[_Prue runs a-cross the stage with a letter, which Fossile s.n.a.t.c.hes from her._
_Fos._ Whither are you going so fast, hussy? I will examine every thing within these walls. [_Exit Prue._] [_reads._] "For Richard Plotwell, esq;" This letter unravels the whole affair: As she is an unfortunate relation of mine, I must beg you would act with discretion.
[_Gives Possum the letter._
_Pos._ [_reads_]
"Sir, the child which you father"d is return"d back upon my hands.
Your Drury-lane friends have treated me with such rudeness, that they told me in plain terms I should be d.a.m.n"d. How unfortunate soever my offspring is, I hope you at least will defend the reputation of the unhappy
"Phoebe Clinket."
----As you say, doctor, the case is too plain; every circ.u.mstance hits.
Enter CLINKET.
_Clink._ "Tis very uncivil, Sir, to break open one"s letters.
_Foss._ Would I had not; and that the contents of it had been a secret to me and all mankind for ever. Wretched creature, to what a miserable condition has thy poetry reduc"d thee!
_Clink._ I am not in the least mortified with the accident. I know it has happen"d to many of the most famous daughters of Apollo; and to myself several times.
_Foss._ I am thunderstruck at her impudence! several times!
_Clink._ I have had one returned upon my hands every winter for these five years past. I may perhaps be excell"d by others in judgment and correctness of manners, but for fertility and readiness of conception, I will yield to n.o.body.