[_Whenever Sarsnet goes to whisper her mistress, he gets between them._
Enter PTISAN.
_Ptis._ Mrs. Colloquintida complains still of a dejection of appet.i.te; she says that the genevre is too cold for her stomach.
_Foss._ Give her a quieting draught; but let us not interrupt one another. Good Mr. Ptisan, we are upon business.
[_Fossile gets between Sarsnet and Townley._
_Ptis._ The colonel"s spitting is quite suppress"d.
_Foss._ Give him a quieting draught. Come to morrow, Mr. Ptisan; I can see no body till then.
_Ptis._ Lady Varnish finds no benefit of the waters; for the pimple on the tip of her nose still continues.
_Foss._ Give her a quieting draught.
_Ptis._ Mrs. Prudentia"s tympany grows bigger and bigger. What, no pearl cordial! must I quiet them all?
_Foss._ Give them all quieting draughts, I say, or blister them all, as you please. Your servant Mr. Ptisan.
_Ptis._ But then lady Giddy"s vapours. She calls her chamber-maids nymphs; for she fancies herself Diana, and her husband Acteon.
_Foss._ I can attend no patient till to morrow. Give her a quieting draught, I say.
[_Whenever Fossile goes to conduct Ptisan to the door, Sarsnet and Townley attempt to whisper; Fossile gets between them, and Ptisan takes that opportunity of coming back._
_Ptis._ Then, sir, there is miss Chitty of the boarding-school has taken in no natural sustenance for this week, but a halfpeny worth of charcoal, and one of her mittens.
_Foss._ Sarsnet, do you wait on Mr Ptisan to the door. To morrow let my patients know I"ll visit round.
[_A knocking at the door._
_Ptis._ Oh, Sir; here is a servant of the countess of Hippokekoana. The emetick has over-wrought and she is in convulsions.
_Foss._ This is unfortunate. Then I must go. Mr. Ptisan, my dear, has some business with me in private. Retire into my closet a moment, and divert yourself with the pictures. There lies your way, madam.
[_To Sarsnet._
[_Exit Townley at one door and Sarsnet at the other._
Mr. Ptisan, pray, do you run before, and tell them I am just coming.
[_Exit Ptisan._
All my distresses come on the neck of one another. Should this fellow get to my bride before I have bedded her, in a collection of cuckolds, what a rarity should I make! what shall I do? I"ll lock her up. Lock up my bride? my pace and my honour demand it, and it shall be so. [_Locks the door._] Thomas, Thomas!
Enter footman.
I dream"t last night I was robb"d. The town is over-run with rogues. Who knows but the rascal that sent the letter may be now in the house?
[_Aside._] Look up the chimney, search all the dark closets, the coal hole, the flower-pots, and forget not the empty b.u.t.t in the cellar. Keep a strict watch at the door, and let no body in till my return.
[_Exit footman. A noise at the closet-door._
(_within._) Who"s there?----I"m lock"d in. Murder! fire!
_Foss._ Dear madam, I beg your pardon.
[_Unlocks the door._ Enter TOWNLEY.]
"Tis well you call"d. I am so apt to lock this door; an action meerly mechanical, not spontaneous.
_Town._ Your conduct, Mr. Fossile, for this quarter of an hour has been somewhat mysterious. It has suggested to me what I almost blush to name; your locking me up, confirms this suspicion. Pray speak plainly, what has caused this alteration?
[_Fossile shews her the letter._
Is this all?
[_Gives him the letter back._
_Foss._ (reads) Either I mistake the encouragement I have had. What encouragement?
_Town._ From my uncle,----if I must be your interpreter.
_Foss._ Or I am to be happy to night.
_Town._ To be married.----If there can be happiness in that state.
_Foss._ I hope the same person.
_Town._ Parson. Only a word mis-pell"d.----Here"s jealousy for you!
_Foss._ Will compleat her good offices. A she-parson, I find!
_Town._ He is a Welshman. And the Welsh always say her instead of his.
_Foss._ I stand to articles.
_Town._ Of jointure.
_Foss._ The ring is a fine one, and I shall have the pleasure of putting it on my self.
_Town._ Who should put on the wedding-ring but the bridegroom.
_Foss._ I beseech thee, pardon thy dear husband. Love and jealousy are often companions, and excess of both had quite obnubilated the eyes of my understanding.