Cole drew a laboured breath. "I didn"t know you wanted to," he muttered, and she realised that her fall had taken him off guard.
He would never have said such a provocative thing to her in the normal course of events, and her breathing quickened automatically at the pos sibilities it created.
"Oh-I"m sure you did," she ventured, her own voice not quite steady, and, straightening her back, she lifted one hand to support herself on his knee. Beneath her damp fingers, she felt the instinctive tightening of his bones, and although she wanted to look she kept her eyes on his.
"This is-mast-unwise," he said, and she realised that his momentary loss of control was being checked. Taking another gulp of air, he firmly removed her hand from his leg, but when he would have released her she held on and brought his fingers to her lips.
She was quite prepared for him to s.n.a.t.c.h his hand away. Cole was a master at controlling his emotions, and consequently she held it tighter than she might have done.
But, although his features tensed, and she saw a pulse palpitating at his jaw line, he let her get away with it, watching as she put out her tongue and licked the tips of his fingers.
However, when she was reckless enough to allow her eyes to drop down his chest and over his flat stomach to the unmistakable rigidity of his groin, his tolerance snapped.
"For pity"s sake, Jo," he muttered hoa.r.s.ely, and she was quite sure he intended to put an end to it there and then. But, before he could get to his feet, she slung her arms around him, and he lost his balance and fell back on to the sand, with her half-naked body on top of him.
Her own astonishment at her temerity was nothing compared to his. Cole lay flat on the sand, gazing up at her with disbelieving eyes, and for a moment she was too shocked to take advantage of it. But then the dawning anger in his gaze, and the subsiding hardness between his legs, warned her that she was in peril of losing her only chance of redemption. She was only where she was now because she had taken him unawares. Any minute, he was going to remove her by force.
With a helpless sense of need, she ignored his for bidding expression and covered his lips with hers, with standing his instinctive rejection, and pressing her tongue into his mouth.
There was a heartbeat when she thought she hadn"t succeeded, when Cole"s hands gripping her shoulders seemed in imminent danger of throwing her aside. She fully expected to end up in a humiliating heap on the sand, with Cole standing above her, scowling his contempt.
But her legs splayed across his abdomen detected the moment when the danger pa.s.sed, and his body came alive again.
Although he might despise himself for it, he couldn"t prevent his instinctive response. His hands still grasped her shoulders, but his grip was gentling, and as she continued to possess his mouth his pulsing arousal throbbed against her thigh.
"G.o.d," he groaned, leaving her in no doubt as to his frustration, but one hand was tangling in her silky hair, and the other rolled her over so that now he was on top of her. Then, with his thumb grazing the sensitive skin inside her lower lip, he forced her lips apart, fastening his mouth to their trembling sweetness, and filling the soft moist cavity with his tongue.
Joanna lost all sense of time and place. She wasn"t even aware of the sand in her hair, or the gritty feel of its damp granules against her back. She hardly noticed the incoming tide, as it swirled in the rock-pools around them, or the cool salty rivulets that wet her legs from her heels to the bottom of her panties. All she was aware of was Cole-his hands, his lips, his tongue; and the satisfying weight of his body, as he ground his hips against her.
Her shirt was open and so was his, and the fine hair that lightly filmed his chest teased the taut nipples of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Far from feeling cool, she was on fire, and the burning need of his erection demanded to be filled. He cupped her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, suckling on their sweetness as sanity slipped away, and everywhere he touched her aroused an ache that only he could a.s.suage.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN.
JOANNA awoke to the sound of the phone ringing, and for a few mindless moments she wondered who it was. Once upon a time, she had answered the phone without thinking, and in that happy state between sleeping and waking she only resented the sound.
But then, as consciousness took hold of her, and the full weight of her present situation descended upon her, she slumped back against her pillows. These days, she avoided speaking to anyone, and as she knew it was most probably either Grace or her mother she let the annoying buzz go on.
It stopped, finally, and she stretched a hand out of bed, and turned the clock on the bedside table towards her. It was half-past ten, she decided, or was it half-past eleven? Either way, what did it matter? She"d got nothing to get out of bed for.
Her eyes drifted round the bedroom without en thusiasm. It was a pleasant room, overlooking the gardens at the back of the row of houses, and because the room faced east it caught the morning sun. She re membered how much fun she had had, when she bought the lease of the apartment, choosing the delicately pat- terned wallpaper, and hanging it herself. She had chosen the furniture, too, unaware that when she haunted the salerooms, and decided on solid Victorian pieces, she was actually antic.i.p.ating the kind of furnishings she would find in her husband"s home.
Of course, when she and Cole got married, she had wanted to sell the apartment, but Grace had persuaded her against it.
"Property"s a good investment," she had argued, thinking, but not voicing, her fears for Joanna"s future. "Keep it," she said. "As a nest-egg, if nothing else."
And Joanna had had cause to be grateful for that shrewd piece of advice.
Not that what had happened three years ago was any comfort to her now, Joanna reflected. She might have listened to Grace then, but she hadn"t listened to her more recently. When she had phoned Grace that night from the Bahamas, and told her she was going back to Tidewater, Grace had warned her to be careful.
She should have paid attention. She had been vulnerable, after all.
She sighed now and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow, and praying for oblivion. But it didn"t come. She was wide awake now and unprotected. She knew from past experience that nothing she could do would close her mind to the painful jabs of rejection.
And yet, remembering that morning on the beach, she wondered if she really wished to change anything. She had known a brief taste of happiness, and surely that was worth something. But if she hadn"t let Cole make love to her, she wouldn"t be going through this emotional crisis now. And what price his lovemaking, when all he"d wanted was s.e.xual satisfaction?
And that only because she had initiated it, she ad mitted honestly.
If she hadn"t thrown herself at him, she might still have saved her pride. As it was, she knew he resented her for seducing his intentions, for making him do something he despised.
But, at the time, she hadn"t been thinking about how he might react when his body was sated. And it was certain he hadn"t been thinking too rationally either. Hunger; pa.s.sion; whatever -primitive need had been driving him on had temporarily paralysed his reasoning. With the hot sun blazing down, and the white surf breaking around them, he had opened his trousers and buried himself in her eager body, just as he had done that very first time in London. He had taken her, right there on the beach, in plain sight of anyone who cared to look.
Sometimes, she wished they could have drowned at that moment, while she was still able to pretend that Cole cared for her as much as she cared for him. She often wondered what might have happened if Ben hadn"t come across them. Might they even have salvaged some, thing from the wreckage of the past?
Whatever, he managed to attract their attention, without undue embarra.s.sment. His strident whistle was sufficient to bring Cole to his senses, and he dragged himself away from her with unflattering speed. But, in one sense, Ben had been too late, Joanna reflected wryly. Too late to prevent Cole from exposing his own weakness.
And he hadn"t forgiven her for that. In the hours that followed, when he learned that his father had suffered a stroke and had been rushed into hospital in Beaumaris, he wouldn"t allow her to comfort him. Indeed, he would have nothing to do with her, staying close by his mother"s side, and acting the dutiful son.
But he was only acting, Joanna had guessed that. Even though she and Cole had drifted apart, she could still feel his sense of betrayal. He hadn"t forgiven his father for what had happened to Nathan. There was still that tremendous gulf between them.
And, although all her own senses were screaming for her to leave now, before he could hurt her again, Joanna knew she had to do something. She had given up hoping that any good could come from Ryan"s death. It wasn"t going to make any difference to her situation. And while she owed the man nothing, and cared little for his sen sibilities, she was afraid of what it might do to Cole.
Right now, Cole was sure that what he was doing was right, and as long as his father lay in that semi-conscious state, which some stroke victims achieved, he felt he had nothing to blame himself for. His father was still alive, just, and in the back of his mind there must be the thought that there was still time for reconciliation. But if Ryan died, that chance would be gone, and Joanna knew, from her own experience with Cole, that the memories of what might have been could tear a soul to shreds.
That was why she approached Cole, the evening before she left Tidewater for the last time. She had decided not to stay any longer. What was the point? Cole ignored her. His mother regarded her as an unwelcome intruder. Even Charley was too upset about her father"s illness to spend any time with her, and waiting around for Ryan to die seemed unbearably morbid.
Nevertheless, it took all her courage to go looking for Cole after supper that evening. Meals were taken at ir regular times at the moment, and it had been no surprise earlier to find she and Ben were the only ones at the table. Not that Ben was particularly chatty either. She guessed he hadn"t forgotten what he had seen several days ago on the beach, and, while he might have sym- pathy for her, he must know how Cole was treating her.
She found Cole in the library, sitting at his father"s desk, going over the stacks of bills that still appeared, whatever the circ.u.mstances. The management of the plantation was an ongoing thing, and it simply wasn"t possible to abandon these mundane tasks.
Joanna paused in the doorway, checking that almost all the b.u.t.tons of her full-skirted Indian cotton dress were closed.
Patterned in shades of green and black, it was the most conservative item in her wardrobe, and she had worn it deliberately, so that he wouldn"t think she had anything provocative in mind.
He didn"t look up from the desk, even though she was almost sure he must have heard her footsteps, and she had to clear her throat, and say, "Cole," before he chose to acknowledge her presence.
He did look up then, and she flinched at the look of loathing in his eyes. If she had had any doubts about his feelings for her, they were extinguished at that moment. He hated her, and it showed. She wanted to turn right around and leave him.
But she didn"t. Determination, conscience, remorse, Or simply the need to appeal to him one last time, kept her where she was.
Cole might hate her, but she loved him, and she couldn"t allow his father"s death to poison the rest of his life. Not if she could help it.
She moistened her lips. "Could I talk to you?"
"What about?"
Cole"s voice was as chilling as his expression, and Joanna knew a hopeless sense of grief. "I-just wanted to tell you, I"m leaving tomorrow," she said, choosing the least controversial thing she could think of, and then caught her breath uneasily, when he lurched abruptly to his feet.
"You"re leaving?" If she hadn"t been able to see his face, Joanna might have been deceived by his inton ation. He actually sounded shocked at the news, and almost disapproving.
"Y.yes," she added quickly, glancing behind her at the empty hall, before stepping awkwardly into the room. "I-I can"t stay here indefinitely, can I? And you can"t pretend you want me to."
Cole"s feature hardened. "Have I asked you to leave? Has anyone asked you to leave?"
"No-but-"
"So this is your decision."
"If you put it like that." Joanna lifted her slim shoulders in a dismissive gesture. "I -I"ve got to get back to London. The-the exhibition-"
"Oh, yes. The exhibition!" The way Cole repeated her words was harsh with sarcasm. In a disconcerting gesture, he came round the desk and propped himself against the front. "I"d forgotten what a famous painter we have in our midst. Art before honour, is that what they say?"
"I"ve never heard it." Joanna held up her head. "And it"s not like that at all."
"So how is it?"
Joanna swallowed. "If-if I was wanted here-"
"Yes?" Cole"s brows ascended. "If you were wanted- what?"
"I"d stay, of course."
"On sufferance?"
"No, not on sufferance." Joanna sighed, growing weary of trying to defend herself to someone who was merely tormenting her.
"I"m not wanted here. You know that, and I know that. It"s better if I leave. Before-before-"
"Before my father dies, and you might be called upon to show some sympathy," finished Cole bleakly, and Joanna"s shoulders slumped.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "That"s not what I meant at all. I just-have no place here any longer. And I think it"ll be easier for everyone, if I go back to London."
Cole"s face lost all expression. "Very well. I"ll arrange to have Ben drive you into Charleston tomorrow afternoon."
"Thank you."
But as Cole pushed himself up from the desk, and started back to his seat, she lingered. She still hadn"t said what she"d come here for, and, although the prospect was even more daunting now, she had to try.
"Is there something else?"
Cole had paused beside his desk, and was looking at her with cold, wary eyes, and she shivered. Had she only imagined? That morning on the beach? She wondered. She could see little of that man in this remote, unap proachable stranger. Did nothing ever touch him these days? Not even making love...?
Only it hadn"t been love, she reminded herself pain fully. It had been s.e.x, pure and simple. She had aroused him, and he had responded. At best, they had used each other.
Now Joanna came forward again, until her hands were Within reach of the leather-tooled surface of the desk. But she didn"t touch it, even though she would have wel comed its support. Her damp fingers were linked tightly together-an indication, if he had needed it, of just how nervous she was.
"It"s about your father," she began, and, ignoring Cole"s grim features, she hurried on, "Can"t you forgive him? Oh, I know I"ve said some harsh things about him in the past, and I know what he did was wrong, but you have to try and forget it. When-when the truth about Nathan came out, he must have panicked. Of course he was angry. Of course he blamed me for making friends with Nathan, and causing it to happen. Maybe he didn"t realise how sensitive Nathan was. No one could have guessed what would happen. No one wanted Nathan to die. It was an accident-a horrible accident! It doesn"t serve any purpose to crucify the past!"
Cole stared at her impa.s.sively, but there was scorn in his voice, as he exclaimed harshly, "This was what he wanted, wasn"t it?
This was what he brought you here for? You were meant to plead his case for him. G.o.d, I should have guessed!"
Joanna expelled a breath she"d hardly known she was holding, and wondered if Ryan had really thought her appeal would do any good. Cole wouldn"t listen to her. He didn"t even like her.
How could his father imagine that she would stand a chance?
"I"m right, aren"t I " Cole said now, and her silence was answer enough. "Well, what a pity he left it too late! I guess Nemesis refused to be cheated."
Joanna sighed. "It"s not too late," she burst out des perately. "Not for you, anyway. Make your peace with him, Cole. For your sake, if not for his. Do it, I beg you. If you don"t, you"re the one who"l regret it. He won"t be around to care."
The silence that greeted this last remark went un broken. And, for the life of her, Joanna couldn"t think of anything else to say.
She"d done what she could. Now it was up to Cole. But, looking at his bleak face, she doubted it had been enough.
She slipped away then, and returned to her room to do her packing. She felt numb-not only because she knew she had lost the only thing that had any real value for her, but also because she had perjured herself for no reason. Cole wouldn"t listen to her advice, and how could she blame him? It was difficult to be convincing, when you didn"t believe what you were saying.
The next morning, Cole didn"t appear at breakfast, and she guessed he was keeping out of the way until she had left. It was obviously easier for him that way, but was it really easier for her?
Hadn"t she secretly hoped to see him if only to say goodbye?
Maggie came out to the car, as Ben was loading her suitcases.
She came round to where Joanna was standing, and, in spite of the fact that she had no reason to resent her any longer, Cole"s mother couldn"t resist having the final word.
"You"re leaving," she said, and there was a wealth of satisfaction in her words. "Cole give you your marching orders, did he? I knew he would, sooner or later." Joanna swallowed. "It wasn"t like that. I-have to get back to London."
"Really." Obviously, Maggie didn"t believe her. "Seems like he can"t wait to get shot of you."
Joanna refused to be provoked. She knew it was what the other woman wanted, and she was determined not to give her that satisfaction as well.
"Well, you"re wrong," she declared pleasantly, wishing Maggie"s bulk wasn"t preventing her from opening the station-wagon door.
"It was my decision."
"As it was your decision to try and break up this family, right?"
Maggie demanded harshly, giving up all pretence of being civil.
"Cole hasn"t forgiven you for that, so don"t you forget it!"
Joanna gasped. "I didn"t try to break up your family!"