" "Wives? Co-husband?" "
"Sweetheart, marriage takes many forms. Where I live you don"t need a divorce or a death to gather in someone you love. I have four wives and three co-husbands-and my sisters, Laz and Lor . . and they may marry out of the family or they may stay-and don"t look startled; you said you didn"t fret when you thought I was your half brother-and don"t worry about harm to babies; they know far more about such things at that when-&-where than they do in the here-&-now. We don"t don"t risk harm to babies. risk harm to babies.
"Of which we have plenty. And cats and dogs and anything a child can pet and take care of. It"s a real family in a house to fit a big family.
"I can"t tell you about each one; we"ve got to get our stowaway home. But I want to tell you about one-because you"ve been insisting that you don"t look eighteen-merely because you"ve been using your b.r.e.a.s.t.s to feed babies. Tamara. Descended from you through Nancy and her Jonathan-Want to hear about Nancy"s umpty-ump granddaughter? Tamara is about two hundred and fifty years old, I think-"
"Two hundred and fifty!"
"Yes. One of my co-husbands, Ira Weatheral, also from Nancy and Jonathan but from Woodie, too-and named for your father, not for Ira Howard-is over four hundred years old. Maureen, Ira Howard"s experiment worked worked; we have longer life-spans-inherited from you and all our Howard ancestors-but also in that when-&-where they know how to rejuvenate a person. Tamara has had two rejuvenations-one recently and looks as young as you do. Real rejuvenation-Tamara was pregnant when I left.
"But how she looks is not important; Tamara is a healer-and I suspect she gets it from you you."
"Theodore-Lazarus-again I don"t understand. A healer? Like a faith healer?"
"No. If Tamara has a religious faith, she has never mentioned it. Tamara is calm and happy and serene, and anyone around her feels it so strongly-just as with you you, darling!-that he or she is happy, too. If people are ill, they get well faster if Tamara touches them, or talks to them, or sleeps with them.
"But Tamara was not not young when I met her. She was quite old and thinking about letting it go at that, dying of old age. But I was ill, very ill, sick in my soul-and Ishtar, later my wife and the topnotch rejuvenator in all the Milky Way, went out and fetched Tamara. Tamara. Little round potbelly, b.r.e.a.s.t.s that were young when I met her. She was quite old and thinking about letting it go at that, dying of old age. But I was ill, very ill, sick in my soul-and Ishtar, later my wife and the topnotch rejuvenator in all the Milky Way, went out and fetched Tamara. Tamara. Little round potbelly, b.r.e.a.s.t.s that were really really baggy, sags under her eyes, and her chin, all the old-age things. baggy, sags under her eyes, and her chin, all the old-age things.
"Tamara healed the sickness in my soul, just by being with me . . and somehow this renewed her own interest in life, and she took another rejuvenation and is young again and has already added another baby to the Maureen-Nancy line and is pregnant still again. You and Tamara are so much much alike, Maureen; she"s just love with some skin around it-and so are alike, Maureen; she"s just love with some skin around it-and so are you you. But-" Lazarus paused and frowned.
"Maureen, I I don"t know how to convince you that I"m telling the truth. You"ll don"t know how to convince you that I"m telling the truth. You"ll know know it when Woodie"s sixth birthday comes around and they blow every whistle and ring every bell and the newsboys shout: it when Woodie"s sixth birthday comes around and they blow every whistle and ring every bell and the newsboys shout: "Extra! Extra! "Extra! Extra! Germany surrenders!" But that"ll be too late to help you. I want to stop your worries Germany surrenders!" But that"ll be too late to help you. I want to stop your worries now!" now!"
"I"ve stopped worrying, dear one. It sounds wonderful . . and impossible . . and I believe you."
"Do you? I"ve offered no proof; I"ve told you a tale impossible on the face of it."
"Nevertheless, I believe it. When Woodrow is six on the seventh of November-"
"No, the eleventh!" eleventh!"
"Yes, Lazarus. But how did you you know that his birthday is the eleventh?" know that his birthday is the eleventh?"
"Why, you told me yourself."
"Dear, I said he was born in November; I did not not say what day. Then I deliberately misstated it-and you corrected me at once." say what day. Then I deliberately misstated it-and you corrected me at once."
"Well, maybe Ira told me. Or one of the children. Most likely Woodie himself."
"Woodrow does not know the date of his birthday. Wake him and ask him."
"I"d rather not wake him until we get home."
"What is my birthday, dear one?"
"The Fourth of July, 1882."
"What is Marie"s birthday?"
"I think she is nine. I don"t know the date."
"The other children?"
"I"m not sure."
"My father"s birthday?"
"Maureen, is there some point to this? August second, 1852."
"Beloved Lazarus who calls himself "Theodore," I have a firm rule with my children. I keep each one trom knowing the date of his birth as long as possible so that he won"t advertise it and thereby blackmail people for presents. When one is old enough for school and needs to know the date, he is old enough to be told why, and I make it bluntly plain that if he drops hints ahead of time-no birthday cake, no birthday party. I haven"t had to use that penalty; they are all intelligent.
"Last year Woodrow was too young for it to be a problem; his birthday came as a surprise to him. He still does not know the exact date-so I strongly believe. Lazarus, you know the birthdays of your direct ancestors . . because you looked them up in the Foundation records. Since you can"t tell me the birthdays of my other children, I a.s.sume that I"ve found that proof."
"You know I have had access to the records. I could have looked up any birthday last year."
"Pooh. Why did you bother with the birth date of one child and skip the other seven? How would you know my father"s birthday if he had not been of special interest to you? It won"t wash, Beloved. You intended to seek out your ancestors, and you came prepared for it. I no longer think that you showed up at our church by accident; you went there to find me- me- and I"m flattered. You probably did the same with Father-at his pool-hall "chess club." How did you do it? Private detectives? I doubt that our church or that pool hall can be looked up in the Foundation records." and I"m flattered. You probably did the same with Father-at his pool-hall "chess club." How did you do it? Private detectives? I doubt that our church or that pool hall can be looked up in the Foundation records."
"Something like that. Yes, gentle ancestress, I looked for an acceptable way to meet you. I would have spent years on it had it been necessary . . because I couldn"t twist your doorbell and say, "Hi there! I"m descended from you. May I come in?" You would have called the police."
"I hope I would not have, darling-but thank you for finding a gentler way. Oh, Lazarus, I love you so!-and believe every word and I"m no longer worried about Brian; I know he"ll come back to me! Uh . . I"m feeling very brazen again and more pa.s.sionate than ever and I want to know something. About your family."
"I"m delighted to talk about them. I love them."
"I was most flattered to be compared with your wife Tamara. Darling, you don"t have to tell me this: Does it ever happen that two husbands sleep with one wife?"
"Oh, certainly. But it"s more likely to be one husband- Galahad-another of your descendants, Grandmother-Galahad and two of our wives; Galahad is the original tireless tomcat."
"That sounds like fun, but it"s the other combination that intrigued me. Beloved, my idea of heaven would be to take both both you and Brian to bed at once-and do my best to make you you and Brian to bed at once-and do my best to make you both both happy. Not that I ever can. But I can dream about it . . and happy. Not that I ever can. But I can dream about it . . and will will."
"Why not out in the woods and strip down for both of us, just to your "French postcard" costume? As long as you"re dreaming."
"Ooooh! Yes, I"ll put that into my dream-and now I"m about to go off like a firecracker!" Yes, I"ll put that into my dream-and now I"m about to go off like a firecracker!"
"I"d better take you home."
"I think you had better. I"m terribly happy and quite unworried-and will stay so-and very very pa.s.sionate. For you. For Brian. For being a French postcard in the woods. In pa.s.sionate. For you. For Brian. For being a French postcard in the woods. In daylight daylight ." ."
"Maureen, if you can sell the idea to Brian . . well, I"ll be around until the second of August, 1926."
"Well . . we"ll see. I want want to!" She added, "Am I permitted to tell him? Who you are and where you"re from-the future-and your prediction that he won"t be hurt?" to!" She added, "Am I permitted to tell him? Who you are and where you"re from-the future-and your prediction that he won"t be hurt?"
"Maureen, tell anyone you wish. But you won"t be believed."
She sighed. "I suppose so. Besides, if Brian did did believe it and thereby believed that he had a charmed life-it might make him car believe it and thereby believed that he had a charmed life-it might make him careless. I"m proud that he is going to fight for us . . but I but I don"t don"t want him to take unnecessary risks." want him to take unnecessary risks."
"I think you"re right, Maureen."
"Theodore . . my mind has been so busy with all these strange things that I missed something. Now that I know who you are-This isn"t your country, and it"s not your war-so why did did you volunteer?" you volunteer?"
Lazarus hesitated, then told the truth: "I wanted you to be proud of me."
"Oh!"
"No, I don"t belong here and it"s not my war. But it"s your your war, Maureen. Others are fighting for other reasons-I"ll be fighting for Maureen. Not "to make the world safe for democracy"-this war won"t accomplish that, even though the Allies are going to win. For Maureen." war, Maureen. Others are fighting for other reasons-I"ll be fighting for Maureen. Not "to make the world safe for democracy"-this war won"t accomplish that, even though the Allies are going to win. For Maureen."
"Oh! Oh! Oh! I"m crying again-I can"t help it." I"m crying again-I can"t help it."
"Stop it at once."
"Yes, my warrior. Lazarus? You You will come back? You must have some way to know." will come back? You must have some way to know."
"Huh? Dear, don"t worry about me me. People have tried to kill me in all sorts of ways-I"ve outlived them all. I"m the wary old cat who always has a tree within reach."
"You didn"t answer me."
He sighed. "Maureen, I know Brian will come home; it"s in the Foundation"s records. He will live to a ripe old age and don"t ask how long as I won"t answer. And so will you, and I won"t answer that that either; it is not good to know too much about the future. But me? I either; it is not good to know too much about the future. But me? I can"t can"t know my future. It is know my future. It is not not in the records. How could it be? I haven"t finished it yet. But I can tell you this: This is not my in the records. How could it be? I haven"t finished it yet. But I can tell you this: This is not my first first war, but about the fifteenth. They didn"t get me in the others, and they"ll have to move fast to kill me in this one. Beloved, I am your warrior-but to kill Huns for war, but about the fifteenth. They didn"t get me in the others, and they"ll have to move fast to kill me in this one. Beloved, I am your warrior-but to kill Huns for you you, not for them them to kill to kill me me. I"ll do my duty, but I"m not going to try some crazy stunt to win a medal-not old Lazarus."
"Then you don"t don"t know." know."
"No, I don"t. But I promise you this: I won"t stick my head up when I don"t need to. I won"t go into a German dugout without tossing a grenade in ahead of me. I won"t a.s.sume that a German is dead because he appears to be-I"ll make sure he"s dead; I don"t mind wasting a bullet on a corpse. Especially one who is playing "possum. I"m an old soldier, and that"s how one gets to be an old soldier-by being a pessimist. I know all the tricks. Darling, having quieted your worries about Brian, it would be silly to get you worried about me me. Don"t!"
She sighed. "I"ll try not to. If you turn down this street, we can pick up Prospect, then across Linwood to Benton."
"I"ll get you home. Let"s talk about love, not war. Our girl Nancy-Is the Foundation now using a pregnancy rule? For first marriages?"
"Goodness! You do know all about it."
"No need to tell me. Nancy"s business. If Jonathan does go to war-I don"t know-I can a.s.sure you that he won"t get his b.a.l.l.s shot off, even if he loses an arm or a leg. I did look up the breeding records on all your children even though I didn"t bother with their birthdays. Jonathan and Nancy are going to have many babies. Which means he comes back-or maybe gets turned down and won"t go."
"That"s comforting. How many babies?"
"Nosy little girl. You"re going to have quite a number yet yourself, Grandmother, and I won"t answer that, either. I withdraw the question about the pregnancy rule."
"Secret, Lazarus-"
"Better start calling me "Theodore." We"ll be home soon."
"Yes, sir, Staff Sergeant Theodore Bronson, your lecherous old great-great-great-grandmother will be careful. How many "greats" should there be in that?"
"Sweetheart, do you want that answered? If it had not been necessary to calm your fears about Brian, I would have stayed "Ted Bronson." I like like being your Theodore." I"m not sure that being a mysterious man from the future is going to be as comfortable. Especially if you think of me as some remote descendant. I"m here beside you, not in some far future." being your Theodore." I"m not sure that being a mysterious man from the future is going to be as comfortable. Especially if you think of me as some remote descendant. I"m here beside you, not in some far future."
"Beside me. Touching me. And yet you"re not even born yet-are you? And in your your time . . I"m long dead. You even know when I will die. You said so. You just won"t tell me when." time . . I"m long dead. You even know when I will die. You said so. You just won"t tell me when."
"Oh, confound it, Maureen; that"s wrong all the way through! That"s what comes of admitting that I"ve time-traveled. But I had had to. For you." to. For you."
"I"m sorry, Laz-Theodore my warrior. I won"t ask any more questions."
"Sweetheart, the fact that I am am here means that you"re here means that you"re not not dead. And I certainly was born; pinch me and find out. All "nows" are equal; that is the basic theorem of time travel. They don"t disappear; both "past" and "future" are mathematical abstractions; the dead. And I certainly was born; pinch me and find out. All "nows" are equal; that is the basic theorem of time travel. They don"t disappear; both "past" and "future" are mathematical abstractions; the "now" "now" is always all there is. As for knowing the day you died-or will die; it"s the same thing-I is always all there is. As for knowing the day you died-or will die; it"s the same thing-I don"t don"t. I just know that you had-have-will have-many children, and you live a long time . . and your hair never gets gray. But the Foundation lost track of you-will lose track of you-and your date of death never got into the records. Maybe you moved and didn"t tell the Foundation. Shucks, maybe I came back-will come back-and picked you up in your old age, and took you to Tertius."
"Where?"
"My home. I think you would like it there. You could run around all day, dressed-undressed-as a French postcard."
"I"m sure I would like that now. But I don"t think I would, as an old woman."
"All you would have to do is to ask Ishtar for rejuvenation. I told you what she did for Tamara . . when her b.r.e.a.s.t.s hung down to her waist and were empty sacks. But look at Tamara now-that "now"-pregnant again, just like a kid. But forget it-if it "now"-pregnant again, just like a kid. But forget it-if it did did happen, it happen, it will will happen. Mama Maureen-I"m durned if I"ll call you "Grandmother" again-all I"m sure of is that I"m not sure of the date of your death, and I"m glad I"m not, and you should be. Nor of my death, and I"m glad of that, too. Carpe diem! We"re almost home and you started to say something and I said to call me Theodore" and we got off the track. Was it about Tamara?" happen. Mama Maureen-I"m durned if I"ll call you "Grandmother" again-all I"m sure of is that I"m not sure of the date of your death, and I"m glad I"m not, and you should be. Nor of my death, and I"m glad of that, too. Carpe diem! We"re almost home and you started to say something and I said to call me Theodore" and we got off the track. Was it about Tamara?"
"Oh, yes! Theodore? When you go home to wherever your home is, can you take anything with you? Or does it have to be just you?"
"Why, no. I arrived with clothes and money."
"I"d like to send a little present to Tamara. But I can"t guess what she would want . . from this time to that wonderful age of yours. Can you suggest something?"
"Mmm . . Tamara would treasure anything from you. She knows she"s descended from you, and she"s the most warmly sentimental of all my family. It should be something small enough to carry on my person, even in the trenches, as I"m always ready to abandon anything I"m not carrying-have to be. Not jewelry. Tamara would not value a diamond bracelet one whit more than a hairpin . . but she would treasure a hairpin that I could tell her I had seen you wearing. Something small, something you"ve worn. Look, send her a garter! Perfect! One of these you have on."
"Mayn"t I send her a brand-new pair? Oh, I"ll slip them on for a moment, so that you can tell her truthfully that I"ve worn them. But these-Not only are they rather old and worn but I"ve perspired right through them tonight. They"re not fresh and clean. And they do have naughty mottoes on them."
"No, no, one of these these. Sweetheart, "naughty" today can"t be naughty on Tertius; I"ll have to explain any naughtiness to Tamara. As for perspiration, I hope that some trace of your sweet fragrance clings to them until I can get them to her; that would delight Tamara. You say this pair is old? Maureen, by any chance are they about six years old?"
"I told told you I was sentimental, Theodore. Yes, this is the same pair. Old and faded and worn and I"ve replaced the elastic-but the same pair; I picked them to wear for you." you I was sentimental, Theodore. Yes, this is the same pair. Old and faded and worn and I"ve replaced the elastic-but the same pair; I picked them to wear for you."
"Then I want one of them for me!" me!"
"Beloved Theodore. I planned to offer you both of them. That"s why I suggested a new pair for Tamara. Very well, dear, one for you, one for her. As soon as we"re home. I"ll trot upstairs, and when I come down, I"ll have a present for you and will tell you not to open it until you"re back at Camp Funston. You just say thank you and go straight to your room and put it into your grip. I see a light on the front porch, so now I must push my skirts down and be the prim and proper Mrs. Brian Smith. With a smoldering volcano inside her! Thank you, Staff Sergeant Bronson. You have given my son and me a most enjoyable evening."
"Thank you you, pretty little p.u.s.s.ycat in green garters and no bloomers. Will you grab the Teddy bear and the Kewpie doll while I carry our chaperon?"
Ira Johnson and Nancy were not yet home. Brian Junior relieved Lazarus of the limp child and carried him upstairs. Carol went along to put Woodie to bed after exacting a promise from "Uncle Ted" not to go to bed before she came back. George wanted to know where they had gone and what they had done, but Lazarus put him off with a promise and used the chance to repair to his tiny bath and repair himself.
Hair a bit mussed-Thank G.o.d respectable women did not use lipstick. Uniform slightly wrinkled, nothing d.a.m.ning about that. Five minutes later, refreshed and certain there were no feathers on his chin, Lazarus returned to the front of the house and offered George and Brian Junior an account of the evening truthful in everything he said.
He had just started when Carol came down and listened too; then Mrs. Smith rejoined them, moving regally as always and carrying a little package wrapped in tissue paper. "A surprise for you, Sergeant Theodore-please don"t open it until you are back at camp."
"Then I had better put it into my grip right now."
"If you wish, sir. I think it"s bedtime, dears."
"Yes, Mama," agreed Carol. "But Uncle Ted was telling us how you knocked down all the milk bottles."
"He says you should pitch for the Blues, Mama!" added George.
"All right, fifteen minutes."
"Mrs. Smith," said Lazarus, "you ought not to start your stopwatch on us until I get back."