I felt I had. Why? I can hardly say. The word "love," the sudden view of the portrait, dashed, whirling headlong over each other, through my brain, followed by a sort of hazy cloud, out of which looked two azure eyes.
"She is very lovely, isn"t she?" Howard remarked affectionately, setting the card upright against the wall.
"Very--in her own way," I a.s.sented.
I admitted it willingly, with pleasure. Why not?--an evident fact. The blue slime in a blocked gutter of the road is very lovely also.
"Well, I"m going there to-night, because I admire the sister, and you must come, too. You are killing yourself by sticking to the work in the way you do. Come along! Where"s the harm? Lucia will never know. I won"t split. G.o.d"s in heaven and the Czar"s a long way off! So you may as well come and knock about a little. This monotonous life will put an end to you!"
I was silent.
"Lucia won"t know," he repeated.
"There"s no question of Lucia"s knowing anything," I said.
"Then why do you work as you do, and always refuse to come to a supper, or a dance, or anything? You can"t be really a quiet fellow or you wouldn"t write things the English won"t have. You say it"s not a question of Lucia--then what the d.i.c.kens is it that makes you live the life you do?"
I did not answer him. I leant in silence against the mantelpiece, staring absently at the portrait of Faina, and Howard got tired of waiting for my answer. He went to dress, and I sat down at the writing-table, absently sketching women"s heads on my blotting paper.
Should I go with him or not? I felt tired of writing, tired of work.
Wine, laughter, sound, smiles, other voices?--Then four points rose before me, very distinct and clear, like sharp mountain peaks from a valley of mist.
FIRST. Supposing--if such a thing were possible--supposing on coming out of this house I came face to face with Lucia, should I be entirely pleased.
NEXT. Should I, when the present inclination were over, have a satisfactory memory of this supper.
NEXT. Did I habitually mean to spend my evenings in this way?
LAST. Was it worth while spoiling a record for the sake of a single deviation?
I answered No to each of these as they came before me in order, with the upshot that I determined not to go. When Howard came in again I looked up. He was dressed to the Enth, and as I glanced at his good-looking, intelligent face, I thought how incongruous it seemed for him to degrade himself with drink at this supper, and return, as he probably would, a pitiable object to look at and listen to.
"Going to work, eh?"
I nodded. Howard hitched the cape of his overcoat straight, and went out. As he shut the door I sprang suddenly to my feet. For a moment the impulse towards distraction, amus.e.m.e.nt, relief from strain, physical movement, overcame me. All the strong, ardent life rushed up within me.
A tremendous prompting came to shout after him, "Wait a minute, Howard!
I"ll come, too, after all!" I was half way to the door. Then I laughed and turned back. I went up to the mantelpiece and unlocked the doors of a portrait frame that stood there, and flung them open. It was the frame of Lucia"s portrait, which, like the temple of Ja.n.u.s, stood closed in times of peace and open in times of war. Now was war, and I gazed at the picture within for encouragement. There was equal sinuous, supple beauty in this form as in that outline on the Paris card, that lay, perhaps, in the pocket of every flaneur on the boulevards. I looked at the smooth, perfect shoulders, and those soft arms that had never yet been drawn round a lover"s neck; at the extreme pride and dignity that lay in every line of the form that had never been touched by a rough hand. It swept from me in one gust the thoughts and tendencies struggling to rise. It brought back all the old revolt from the lowest, all the old admiration for the highest, in human nature.
"Yes, you are worth it," I muttered, looking hard at the chaste, exquisite pride in face and form; "you are worth being worthy of, and I will not for an evening, nor for an hour, make myself a brute that you would despise if you knew his nature. Whether you ever know or not, what does that matter? I must know. Shall I come back to feel your inferior? No! Not a day, nor a night, shall there be, the history of which you might not read." All my own pride was stirred as I looked at the portrait of this woman, who, I knew, was absolutely pure, and I would not now have followed Howard had my life depended on it.
I gave the photograph of Faina, which still stood up against the wall, a flick that sent it horizontal on the marble, and then, with Lucia"s eyes just above me, I sat down to write.
Seven o"clock came, and the bright light pouring into the room over the table covered with loose sheets of paper found me writing still. I looked up, then back on the page, decided I need not add another word, flung down my pen, leaned back in my chair, and proceeded to light up a cigar. "Good!" I thought with lazy satisfaction, as my eyes wandered over the completely covered table and the drying sheets upon the floor.
"It was a splendid inspiration that! Had I gone out last night, infallibly I should have missed it." Just then I heard a blundering, uncertain step upon the stair, and then a dig in the centre of the door panel.
I smiled.
"How long will it take him to find the lock, I wonder?" I thought.
The period was protracted. Round and round the keyhole did a shaky, unsteady hand guide the wandering key. It scratched above, it dug at the door beneath, while the low indistinct murmur of one repeated word reached me within. At last, in sheer pity, I got up and opened the door from the inside. Howard came unsteadily over the threshold, and half blundered against me. His face was deadly pale; a bright greenish shade lay close about his bloodshot eyes; his grey lips shook. With difficulty he staggered to the chair opposite me and sat down. I shut the door and resumed my seat and cigar.
"Enjoy yourself?" I asked.
He was not very steady on his feet, but fairly clear in his brain.
"Yes. But it"s no good--can"t stand it," he murmured, pressing his hand hard upon his head and across his eyes.
His voice was little more than a gasp.
"G.o.d!--this weakness"--
We sat without speaking. In the bright light, in a gla.s.s opposite, I caught sight of my own face. I was as pale as he from work, as he from pleasure. My eyes were as bloodshot as his from sleeplessness, as his from drink. My hand shook as much as his from mental excitement, as his from physical exhaustion. He was the representative of those who sacrifice to-morrow for to-day. I, of those who sacrifice to-day for to-morrow. And I wondered, as I smoked on with his collapsed figure before me, which was the greater fool. "Do neither" is the cry. "Take the gifts of to-day without robbing to-morrow." Estimable rule, I agree, if you are fortunate enough to have the chance of carrying it out. But very few of us have. A man with Howard"s const.i.tution could only purchase the hours last night with the hours of this morning.
Success would not come to me to-morrow unless I were willing to struggle for it to-day.
"What did you drink?" I asked, after a pause.
"Maraschino, cognac, and clic," he answered, and a gesture of his hand and first finger showed he meant in the same gla.s.s. I laughed.
"What a mixture! No wonder you"re mixed yourself!"
"Can"t stand it!" he only muttered again.
"No, you must sit it out or sleep it off now," I said, getting up with a stretch. "Faina in good form?"
"Magnificent--Vic, you should have been there!"
"Thanks! yes, I think so!" I said, gathering up the precious pages from the floor and table and piling them on a console. I wanted to go and get my own breakfast, but the look of Howard"s face, as it lay against the chair back, bloodless, and the colour of ashes, made me hesitate to leave him.
"Can I get you anything?" I said.
"No--help me into bed," he muttered, without opening his eyes, moving his head restlessly from side to side.
"Come along, then," I answered, bending over him; "here"s my arm."
He half raised his lids at that, and then feebly pushed a leaden hand and arm through mine. There was a pause. He seemed unable to make a farther movement, and sat, his head sunk into his chest, his arm hanging through mine.
"Come, Howard, make an effort," I said, after a minute, and he staggered uncertainly to his feet.
Getting him into the next room and into bed was a lengthy and difficult matter, but at last, after protracted pauses, it was effected, and he fell back upon the pillows--face and lips one tint with the linen. I spoke to him, but I got no articulate answer, only groans in response.
"I am going to fetch you some coffee," I said, leaning over him.
His eyes opened wide, and fixed upon me with a sort of helpless terror.
"No, no! don"t go!--stay!" he whispered, clutching my wrist with his damp, shaking fingers. "Stay--a minute."
"But you want something to pull you round. I shan"t be two seconds," I answered, trying to unclasp his clinging fingers.
"Never mind! Oh, Vic, for G.o.d"s sake stay."