To-morrow?
by Victoria Cross.
"Cras te victurum, cras dicis Postume semper Dic mihi cras istud, Postume quando venit?
Quam longe cras istud, ubi est? aut unde petendum?
Cras istud quanti dic mihi, possit emi?
Cras vives? hodie jam vivere, Postume, serum est Ille sapit, quisquis Postume, vixit heri."
MART. v. lviii.
CHAPTER I.
"REJECTED! rejected!"
I crushed the letter spasmodically in my hand as I walked mechanically up and down the length of the dining-room, a rage of anger filling my brain and the blood thundering in my ears.
"Rejected! and that not for the first time. Another year and a half"s work flung away--simply flung away, and I am no nearer recognition than ever. Incredible it seems that they won"t accept that."
I stopped under the gasalier and glanced again through the letter I had just received.
"DEAR SIR,--With reference to your last MS., we regret to say we cannot undertake its publication, owing to the open way in which you express your unusual religious views and your contempt for existing inst.i.tutions.
"At the same time, our reader expresses his admiration for your style, and his regret that your unmistakably brilliant genius should be directed towards unsatisfactory subjects.--We are," etc., etc.
The blood flowed hotly over my face, and my teeth closed hard upon my lip.
Always the same thing! rejection from every quarter.
The last clause in the letter, which might have brought some momentary gratification to a man less certain, less absolutely sure of his own powers than I was, could bring none to me.
It only served to make sharper the edge of my keen disappointment.
Brilliant genius! I read the words with the shadow of a satirical smile.
What need to tell me that I possessed a power that inflamed every vein, that heated all the blood in my system, that filled, till they seemed buoyant, every cell of my brain? As much need as to tell the expectant mother she has a life within her own.
I was tired of praise, tired of being called gifted, tired of hearing reiterated by others that which I knew so well myself.
We are invariably little grateful for anything freely and constantly offered to us, and I cared now simply nothing for compliments, praise, or felicitation.
These had been given to me from my childhood upwards, and yet here, at six and twenty, I was still unknown, unrecognized, obscure, and not a single line of my writing had met the public eye.
I craved and thirsted after success far more than a fever-stricken man in the desert can crave after water, for the longings and desires of the body are finite, and when a fixed pitch in them has been surpa.s.sed, death grants us a merciful cessation of all desire, but the longings of the mind are infinite, absolutely without limit and without period; and where a physical desire, ungratified, must eventually destroy itself as it wears away the matter that has given it birth, a mental desire does not wane with the flesh it wastes, but remains ravening to the last, and reigns supreme over the death agony, up to the final moment of actual dissolution.
I had done what I could to attain my own wishes; I was not one of those idle, clever fellows who imagine talent independent of work, and who are too lazy to throw into words and commit to paper the brilliant but vague, unformed inspirations that visit them between the circling rings of smoke from their cigar.
I had no thought, no expectation, no wish even to be offered that celebrated sweet condition of the palm without the dust of the struggle in the arena.
But for me it had been dust, dust, and nothing but dust, and there were times when it seemed to blind, choke, overpower me.
My capacity for work was unlimited; labour was comparatively no labour to me. The mechanical work of embodying an idea in a ma.n.u.script was as nothing to me.
To write came to me as naturally as to speak.
Therefore work had not been wanting. Ma.n.u.script after ma.n.u.script had been completed, submitted to various publishers, and returned with thanks, with commendation, and regrets that I had not written something totally different.
And there they all stood in a pile, an irritating, distracting pile, a monument of unrequited labour, an unrealised capital, a silent testimony to the exceeding narrowness of the limits of British indulgence to talent.
My persistent ill-luck was all the more aggravating as I was not handicapped by poverty, as so many authors are. The question of terms had not been one to present a difficulty.
I had no need to ask a publisher to accept my MSS. at his own financial risk.
I was not the traditional struggling young writer of the lady novelist who treats poverty and genius as convertible terms, making up with the former quality whatever her hero lacks of the other.
No; although the combination may be very romantic, I confess, notwithstanding that I was an unrecognised author, I was not living in a garret, nor writing my MSS. by the proverbially flaring candle, nor going without my dinner in order to pay for foolscap.
But my feelings were as bitter, and the sense of disappointment as sharp, as any attic-dwelling genius" could have been, even if we suppose the lady novelist to have thrown in a conventionally consumptive wife.
In fact they were stronger because more absolute, more concentrated in themselves.
There were no pangs of hunger to distract my attention, no traditionally patient wife to look sadly at me, no responsibilities for others lying upon me and my rejected MSS.
Simply all my own desires for myself centred in them.
There was one side issue which at times seemed to include everything, to be everything in itself, but the moments when this forced itself in overwhelming prominence upon my brain were few.
The wish that I had to publish my works could not be traced to distinct motives; it did not spring from a desire to gain money, nor yet celebrity.
I was not particularly keen on fame while I lived, and I certainly had no sentimental ideas of my name surviving me.
I cared little in fact whether my name ever reached the public, provided only my works were known and read. The wish to give them out was not a thing of motive, nor thought, nor will. It was the fierce, instinctive impulse that accompanies all creative power, the tremendous impetus towards production that is an integral part of all conceptive capacity. The same driving necessity that compels a writer in the middle of the night to rise and take his pen and commit to paper some thought or thoughts that are racing about in his brain, trying to find an outlet, that compels him to produce them as far as he is able, this same urgent impulse forces him to complete his ma.n.u.script, and when completed, to strain his utmost to give it actual life in the thoughts and brains of the public.
The pressing want to produce is as wholly natural, as innate, as independent of the individual"s volition as the conceptive impulse itself.
And it was thus with me.
I could not be said to wish to publish from this or that motive, because of this, that, or the other. I was simply dominated by the instinct to do so, which grew more and more urgent as it found no gratification.
It had risen now rampant at this last rebuff, and it seemed to rage about in my brain like a Bengal tiger in a net.
I walked up and down the long dining-room, backwards and forwards, from the grate where the fire blazed to the gla.s.s-panelled sideboard at the other end, where its reflection sparkled, yawning every now and then from sheer nervous irritation. "Cursed, infernal nuisance!"
I had just muttered this when the door was pushed open, but the enterer, on hearing my exclamation, promptly drew it to again, and would have shut it, but that I caught the handle.