ANNIVERSARIES
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"
MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents."
ANTIDOTES
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?"
The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the sacrament."
APPEARANCES
"How fat and well your little boy looks."
"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He"s got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."
APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe"s dejected spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly.
Still the clapping continued.
When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing out his chest.
"What d"ye mane?" replied the Irishman.
"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.
"Hand-clapping?"
"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show they appreciate me."
"D"ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot"s not applause. Thot"s the audience killin" mosquitoes."
Applause is the spur of n.o.ble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.--_Colton_.
O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet, seducing charms?--_Cowper_.
ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a b.l.o.o.d.y battle, a woman said to her husband:
"This slaughter is shocking. It"s fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop it?"
"I"m afraid not," her husband answered.
"Why don"t both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.
"They did," said he. "They did, "way back in June. That"s how the gol-durned thing started."
ARITHMETIC
"He seems to be very clever."
"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school."
SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don"t wanter study arithmetic."
POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball scores and batting averages? Never!"
TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe him?"
JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."
"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There"s my right foot. That"s one. There"s my left foot. That"s two. Two and one make three. Three feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"
"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: "If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the fish?"