an" the eatin"!"
"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband."
Lillie"s tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo" think?
Tha" darn n.i.g.g.e.r nebber turn up!"
There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny without meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town some distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house.
On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on the way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that the bridegroom missed his train.
Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done quickly.
So he sent the following telegram:
Don"t marry till I come.--HENRY.
--_Howard, Morse_.
In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
"Didn"t I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.
"Ye did thot," replied the a.s.sistant, "an" I"ve just been after feedin"
her a pound of meat this very minute."
"Faith, an" I don"t believe ye. Bring me the scales."
The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly one pound.
"There!" exclaimed the a.s.sistant triumphantly. "Didn"t I tell ye she"d had her pound of meat?"
"That"s right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That"s yer pound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil is the cat?"
WELCOMES
When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President"s laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directly under the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picture with the legend "Welcome" on it.--_Hugh Morist_.
Come in the evening, or come in the morning, Come when you"re looked for, or come without warning, Kisses and welcome you"ll find here before you, And the oftener you come here the more I"ll adore you.
--_Thomas O. Davis_.
WEST, THE
EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the "Wild-West"! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere."
COWBOY--"We"re allers perlite to ladies, ma"am."
EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behave horribly towards one another; but here they treat one another as delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."
COWBOY--"Yes, ma"am; it"s safer."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
WHISKY
This is from an Irish priest"s sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey"s "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": ""It"s whisky makes you bate your wives; it"s whisky makes your homes desolate; it"s whisky makes you shoot your landlords, and"--with emphasis, as he thumped the pulpit--"it"s whisky makes you miss them.""
In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from the defendant.
"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.
"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb trees."
General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don"t you answer? I said, "Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?"" After looking around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez, captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin" to me."
_See_ also Drinking.
WHISKY BREATH
_See_ Breath.
WIDOWS