ALARM CLOCKS
MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all."
ALERTNESS
"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why, he"s alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And when his wife said to him, "Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket," he answered without a moment"s hesitation, "By Jove, you"re right, dear!
I"d forgotten myself entirely!""
ALIBI
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle.
While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened.
"I"m sure I don"t know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."
Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:
"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."
ALIMONY
"What is alimony, ma?"
"It is a man"s cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_
The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.
ALLOWANCES
"Why don"t you give your wife an allowance?"
"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."
ALTERNATIVES
_See_ Choices.
ALTRUISM
WILLIE--"Pa!"
PA--"Yes."
WILLIE--"Teacher says we"re here to help others."
PA--"Of course we are."
WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"
There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man"s estate.
Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit.
One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper pursued.
For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants:
"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?
"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn"t have none!"