"Good-bye."
For a moment we held one another in each other"s arms and kissed--incredibly without malice. We heard our little servant in the pa.s.sage going to open the door. For the last time we pressed ourselves to one another. We were not lovers nor enemies, but two human souls in a frank community of pain. I tore myself from her.
"Go away," I said to the servant, seeing that Marion had followed me down.
I felt her standing behind me as I spoke to the cab man.
I got into the cab, resolutely not looking back, and then as it started jumped up, craned out and looked at the door.
It was wide open, but she had disappeared....
I wonder--I suppose she ran upstairs.
X
So I parted from Marion at an extremity of perturbation and regret, and went, as I had promised and arranged, to Effie, who was waiting for me in apartments near Orpington. I remember her upon the station platform, a bright, flitting figure looking along the train for me, and our walk over the fields in the twilight. I had expected an immense sense of relief where at last the stresses of separation were over, but now I found I was beyond measure wretched and perplexed, full of the profoundest persuasion of irreparable error. The dusk and somber Marion were so alike, her sorrow seemed to be all about me. I had to hold myself to my own plans, to remember that I must keep faith with Effie, with Effie who had made no terms, exacted no guarantees, but flung herself into my hands.
We went across the evening fields in silence, towards a sky of deepening gold and purple, and Effie was close beside me always, very close, glancing up ever and again at my face.
Certainly she knew I grieved for Marion, that ours was now no joyful reunion. But she showed no resentment and no jealousy. Extraordinarily, she did not compete against Marion. Never once in all our time together did she say an adverse word of Marion....
She set herself presently to dispel the shadow that brooded over me with the same instinctive skill that some women will show with the trouble of a child. She made herself my glad and pretty slave and handmaid; she forced me at last to rejoice in her. Yet at the back of it all Marion remained, stupid and tearful and infinitely distressful, so that I was almost intolerably unhappy for her--for her and the dead body of my married love.
It is all, as I tell it now, unaccountable to me. I go back into these remote parts, these rarely visited uplands and lonely tares of memory, and it seems to me still a strange country. I had thought I might be going to some sensuous paradise with Effie, but desire which fills the universe before its satisfaction, vanishes utterly like the going of daylight--with achievement. All the facts and forms of life remain darkling and cold. It was an upland of melancholy questionings, a region from which I saw all the world at new angles and in new aspects; I had outflanked pa.s.sion and romance.
I had come into a condition of vast perplexities. For the first time in my life, at least so it seems to me now in this retrospect, I looked at my existence as a whole.
Since this was nothing, what was I doing? What was I for?
I was going to and fro about Tono-Bungay--the business I had taken up to secure Marion and which held me now in spite of our intimate separation--and s.n.a.t.c.hing odd week-ends and nights for Orpington, and all the while I struggled with these obstinate interrogations. I used to fall into musing in the trains, I became even a little inaccurate and forgetful about business things. I have the clearest memory of myself sitting thoughtful in the evening sunlight on a gra.s.sy hillside that looked toward Seven Oaks and commanded a wide sweep of country, and that I was thinking out my destiny. I could almost write my thought down now, I believe, as they came to me that afternoon. Effie, restless little c.o.c.kney that she was, rustled and struggled in a hedgerow below, gathering flowers, discovering flowers she had never seen before. I had. I remember, a letter from Marion in my pocket. I had even made some tentatives for return, for a reconciliation; Heaven knows now how I had put it! but her cold, ill-written letter repelled me. I perceived I could never face that old inconclusive dullness of life again, that stagnant disappointment. That, anyhow, wasn"t possible. But what was possible? I could see no way of honour or fine living before me at all.
"What am I to do with life?" that was the question that besieged me.
I wondered if all the world was even as I, urged to this by one motive and to that by another, creatures of chance and impulse and unmeaning traditions. Had I indeed to abide by what I had said and done and chosen? Was there nothing for me in honour but to provide for Effie, go back penitent to Marion and keep to my trade in rubbish--or find some fresh one--and so work out the residue of my days? I didn"t accept that for a moment. But what else was I to do? I wondered if my case was the case of many men, whether in former ages, too, men had been so guideless, so uncharted, so haphazard in their journey into life. In the Middle Ages, in the old Catholic days, one went to a priest, and he said with all the finality of natural law, this you are and this you must do.
I wondered whether even in the Middle Ages I should have accepted that ruling without question.
I remember too very distinctly how Effie came and sat beside me on a little box: that was before the cas.e.m.e.nt window of our room.
"Gloomkins," said she.
I smiled and remained head on hand, looking out of the window forgetful of her.
"Did you love your wife so well?" she whispered softly.
"Oh!" I cried, recalled again; "I don"t know. I don"t understand these things. Life is a thing that hurts, my dear! It hurts without logic or reason. I"ve blundered! I didn"t understand. Anyhow--there is no need to go hurting you, is there?"
And I turned about and drew her to me, and kissed her ear....
Yes, I had a very bad time--I still recall. I suffered, I suppose, from a sort of ennui of the imagination. I found myself without an object to hold my will together. I sought. I read restlessly and discursively.
I tried Ewart and got no help from him. As I regard it all now in this retrospect, it seems to me as if in those days of disgust and abandoned aims I discovered myself for the first time. Before that I had seen only the world and things in it, had sought them self-forgetful of all but my impulse. Now I found myself GROUPED with a system of appet.i.tes and satisfactions, with much work to do--and no desire, it seemed, left in me.
There were moments when I thought of suicide. At times my life appeared before me in bleak, relentless light, a series of ignorances, crude blunderings, degradation and cruelty. I had what the old theologians call a "conviction of sin." I sought salvation--not perhaps in the formula a Methodist preacher would recognise but salvation nevertheless.
Men find their salvation nowadays in many ways. Names and forms don"t, I think, matter very much; the real need is something that we can hold and that holds one. I have known a man find that determining factor in a dry-plate factory, and another in writing a history of the Manor. So long as it holds one, it does not matter. Many men and women nowadays take up some concrete aspect of Socialism or social reform. But Socialism for me has always been a little bit too human, too set about with personalities and foolishness. It isn"t my line. I don"t like things so human. I don"t think I"m blind to the fun, the surprises, the jolly little coa.r.s.enesses and insufficiency of life, to the "humour of it," as people say, and to adventure, but that isn"t the root of the matter with me. There"s no humour in my blood. I"m in earnest in warp and woof. I stumble and flounder, but I know that over all these merry immediate things, there are other things that are great and serene, very high, beautiful things--the reality. I haven"t got it, but it"s there nevertheless. I"m a spiritual guttersnipe in love with unimaginable G.o.ddesses. I"ve never seen the G.o.ddesses nor ever shall--but it takes all the fun out of the mud--and at times I fear it takes all the kindliness, too.
But I"m talking of things I can"t expect the reader to understand, because I don"t half understand them myself. There is something links things for me, a sunset or so, a mood or so, the high air, something there was in Marion"s form and colour, something I find and lose in Mantegna"s pictures, something in the lines of these boats I make. (You should see X2, my last and best!)
I can"t explain myself, I perceive. Perhaps it all comes to this, that I am a hard and morally limited cad with a mind beyond my merits.
Naturally I resist that as a complete solution. Anyhow, I had a sense of inexorable need, of distress and insufficiency that was unendurable, and for a time this aeronautical engineering allayed it....
In the end of this particular crisis of which I tell so badly, I idealised Science. I decided that in power and knowledge lay the salvation of my life, the secret that would fill my need; that to these things I would give myself.
I emerged at last like a man who has been diving in darkness, clutching at a new resolve for which he had groped desperately and long.
I came into the inner office suddenly one day--it must have been just before the time of Marion"s suit for rest.i.tution--and sat down before my uncle.
"Look here," I said, "I"m sick of this."
"HulLO!" he answered, and put some papers aside.
"What"s up, George?"
"Things are wrong."
"As how?"
"My life," I said, "it"s a mess, an infinite mess."
"She"s been a stupid girl, George," he said; "I partly understand. But you"re quit of her now, practically, and there"s just as good fish in the sea--"
"Oh! it"s not that!" I cried. "That"s only the part that shows. I"m sick--I"m sick of all this d.a.m.ned rascality."
"Eh? Eh?" said my uncle. "WHAT--rascality?"
"Oh, YOU know. I want some STUFF, man. I want something to hold on to. I shall go amok if I don"t get it. I"m a different sort of beast from you. You float in all this bunk.u.m. _I_ feel like a man floundering in a universe of soapsuds, up and downs, east and west. I can"t stand it. I must get my foot on something solid or--I don"t know what."
I laughed at the consternation in his face.
"I mean it," I said. "I"ve been thinking it over. I"ve made up my mind.
It"s no good arguing. I shall go in for work--real work. No! this isn"t work; it"s only laborious cheating. But I"ve got an idea! It"s an old idea--I thought of years ago, but it came back to me. Look here! Why should I fence about with you? I believe the time has come for flying to be possible. Real flying!"
"Flying!"
I stuck to that, and it helped me through the worst time in my life.
My uncle, after some half-hearted resistance and a talk with my aunt, behaved like the father of a spoilt son. He fixed up an arrangement that gave me capital to play with, released me from too constant a solicitude for the newer business developments--this was in what I may call the later Moggs period of our enterprises--and I went to work at once with grim intensity.
But I will tell of my soaring and flying machines in the proper place.
I"ve been leaving the story of my uncle altogether too long. I wanted merely to tell how it was I took to this work. I took to these experiments after I had sought something that Marion in some indefinable way had seemed to promise. I toiled and forgot myself for a time, and did many things. Science too has been something of an irresponsive mistress since, though I"ve served her better than I served Marion. But at the time Science, with her order, her inhuman distance, yet steely certainties, saved me from despair.