"But you hadn"t got around to arranging another appointment?"
"No. Not yet."
"That"s okay. I was just checking. You are all right?"
"I"m all right."
"Fine. Fine. You know where I am if you ever need me. Ever just want to have a talk."
"Yes."
"So take care."
She hadn"t mentioned Lloyd, hadn"t asked if the visits had continued. Well, of course, Doree had said that they weren"t going to. But Mrs. Sands was pretty good, usually, about sensing what was going on. Pretty good at holding off, too, when she understood that a question might not get her anywhere. Doree didn"t know what she would have said, if asked-whether she would have backtracked and told a lie or come out with the truth. She had gone back, in fact, the very next Sunday after he more or less told her it didn"t matter whether she came or not.
He had a cold. He didn"t know how he got it.
Maybe he had been coming down with it, he said, the last time he saw her, and that was why he"d been so morose.
"Morose." She seldom had anything to do, nowadays, with anyone who used a word like that, and it sounded strange to her. But he had always had a habit of using such words, and of course at one time they hadn"t struck her as they did now.
"Do I seem like a different person to you?" he asked.
"Well, you look different," she said cautiously. "Don"t I?"
"You look beautiful," he said sadly.
Something softened in her. But she fought against it.
"Do you feel different?" he asked. "Do you feel like a different person?"
She said she didn"t know. "Do you?"
He said, "Altogether."
Later in the week a large envelope was given to her at work. It had been addressed to her care of the motel. It contained several sheets of paper, with writing on both sides. She didn"t think at first of its being from him-she somehow had the idea that people in prison were not allowed to write letters. But, of course, he was a different sort of prisoner. He was not a criminal; he was only criminally insane.
There was no date on the doc.u.ment and not even a "Dear Doree." It just started talking to her in such a way that she thought it had to be some sort of religious invitation: People are looking all over for the solution. Their minds are sore (from looking). So many things jostling around and hurting them. You can see in their faces all their bruises and pains. They are troubled. They rush around. They have to shop and go to the laundromat and get their hair cut and earn a living or pick up their welfare checks. The poor ones have to do that and the rich ones have to look hard for the best ways to spend their money. That is work too. They have to build the best houses with gold faucets for their hot and cold water. And their Audis and magical toothbrushes and all possible contraptions and then burglar alarms to protect against slaughter and all (neigh) neither rich nor poor have any peace in their souls. I was going to write "neighbor" instead of "neither," why was that? I have not got any neighbor here. Where I am at least people have got beyond a lot of confusion. They know what their possessions are and always will be and they don"t even have to buy or cook their own food. Or choose it. Choices are eliminated.All we that are here can get is what we can get out of our own minds.At the beginning all in my head was purturbation (Sp?). There was everlasting storm, and I would knock my head against cement in the hope of getting rid of it. Stopping my agony and my life. So punishments were meted. I got hosed down and tied up and drugs introduced in my bloodstream. I am not complaining either, because I had to learn there is no profit in that. Nor is it any different from the so-called real world, in which people drink and carry on and commit crimes to eliminate their thoughts which are painful. And often they get hauled off and incarcerated but it is not long enough for them to come out on the other side. And what is that? It is either total insanity or peace.Peace. I arrived at peace and am still sane. I imagine reading this now you are thinking I am going to say something about G.o.d Jesus or at any rate Buddha as if I had arrived at a religious conversion. No. I do not close my eyes and get lifted up by any specific Higher Power. I do not really know what is meant by any of that. What I do is Know Myself. Know Thyself is some kind of Commandment from somewhere, probably the Bible so at least in that I have followed Christianity. Also, To Thy Own Self Be True-I have attempted that if is it in the Bible also. It does not say which parts-the bad or the good-to be true to so it is not intended as a guide to morality. Also Know Thyself does not relate to morality as we know it in Behavior. But Behavior is not really my concern because I have been judged quite correctly as a person who cannot be trusted to judge how he should behave and that is the reason I am here something about G.o.d Jesus or at any rate Buddha as if I had arrived at a religious conversion. No. I do not close my eyes and get lifted up by any specific Higher Power. I do not really know what is meant by any of that. What I do is Know Myself. Know Thyself is some kind of Commandment from somewhere, probably the Bible so at least in that I have followed Christianity. Also, To Thy Own Self Be True-I have attempted that if is it in the Bible also. It does not say which parts-the bad or the good-to be true to so it is not intended as a guide to morality. Also Know Thyself does not relate to morality as we know it in Behavior. But Behavior is not really my concern because I have been judged quite correctly as a person who cannot be trusted to judge how he should behave and that is the reason I am here.Back to the Know part of Know Thyself. I can say perfectly soberly that I know myself and I know the worst I am capable of and I know that I have done it. I am judged by the World as a Monster and I have no quarrel with that, even though I might say in pa.s.sing that people who rain down bombs or burn cities or starve and murder hundreds of thousands of people are not generally considered Monsters but are showered with medals and honors, only acts against small numbers being considered shocking and evil. This being not meant as an excuse but just observation.What I Know in Myself is my own Evil. That is the secret of my comfort. I mean I know my Worst. It may be worse than other people"s worst but in fact I do not have to think or worry about that. No excuses. I am at peace. Am I a Monster? The World says so and if it is said so then I agree. But then I say, the World does not have any real meaning for me. I am my Self and have no chance to be any other Self. I could say that I was crazy then but what does that mean? Crazy. Sane. I am I. I could not change my I then and I cannot change it now.Doree, if you have read this far, there is one special thing I want to tell you about but cannot write it down. If you ever think of coming back here then maybe I can tell you. Do not think I am heartless. It isn"t that I wouldn"t change things if I could, but I can"t.I am sending this to your place of work which I remember and the name of the town so my brain is working fine in some respects.
She thought that they would have to discuss this piece of writing at their next meeting and she read it over several times, but she could not think of anything to say. What she really wanted to talk about was whatever he had said was impossible to put in writing. But when she saw him again he behaved as if he had never written to her at all. She searched for a topic and told him about a once-famous folksinger who had stayed at the motel that week. To her surprise he knew more than she did about the singer"s career. It turned out that he had a television, or at least access to one, and watched some shows and, of course, the news, regularly. That gave them a bit more to talk about, until she could not help herself.
"What was the thing you couldn"t tell me except in person?"
He said he wished she hadn"t asked him. He didn"t know if they were ready to discuss it.
Then she was afraid that it would be something she really could not handle, something unbearable, such as that he still loved her. "Love" was a word she could not stand to hear.
"Okay," she said. "Maybe we"re not."
Then she said, "Still, you better tell me. If I walked out of here and was struck down by a car, then I would never know, and you would never have the chance to tell me again."
"True," he said.
"So what is it?"
"Next time. Next time. Sometimes I can"t talk anymore. I want to but I just dry up, talking."
I have been thinking of you Doree ever since you left and regret I disappointed you. When you are sitting opposite me I tend to get more emotional than perhaps I show. It is not my right to go emotional in front of you, since you certainly have the right more than me and you are always very controlled. So I am going to reverse what I said before because I have come to the conclusion I can write to you after all better than I can talk.Now where do I start.Heaven exists.That is one way but not right because I never believed in Heaven and h.e.l.l, etc. As far as I was concerned that was always a pile of c.r.a.p. So it must sound pretty weird of me to bring up the subject now.I will just say then: I have seen the children.I have seen and talked to them.There. What are you thinking at the moment? You are thinking well, now he is really round the bend. Or, it"s a dream and he can"t distinguish a dream, he doesn"t know the difference between a dream and awake. But I want to tell you I do know the difference and what I know is, they exist. I say they exist, not they are alive, because alive means in our particular Dimension, and I am not saying that is where they are. In fact I think they are not. But they do exist and it must be that there is another Dimension or maybe innumerable Dimensions, but what I know is that I have got across to whatever one they are in. Possibly I got hold of this from being so much on my own and having to think and think and with such as I have to think about. So after such suffering and solitude there is a Grace that has seen the way to giving me this reward. Me the very one that deserves it the least to the world"s way of thinking.Well if you have kept reading this far and not torn this to pieces you must want to know something. Such as how they are.They are fine. Really happy and smart. They don"t seem to have any memory of anything bad. They are maybe a little older than they were but that is hard to say. They seem to understand at different levels. Yes. You can notice with Dimitri he has learned to talk which he was not able to do. They are in a room I can partly recognize. It"s like our house but more s.p.a.cious and nice. I asked them how they were being looked after and they just laughed at me and said something like they were able to look after themselves. I think Sasha was the one who said that. Sometimes they talk separately or at least I can"t separate their voices but their ident.i.ties are quite clear and, I must say, joyful.Please don"t conclude that I am crazy. That is the fear that made me not want to tell you about this. I was crazy at one time but believe me I have she"d all my old craziness like the bear that sheds his coat. Or maybe I should say the snake that sheds his skin. I know that if I had not done that I would never have been given this ability to reconnect with Sasha and Barbara Ann and Dimitri. Now I wish that you could be granted this chance as well because if it is a matter of deserving, then you are way ahead of me. It may be harder for you to do because you live in the world so much more than I do but at least I can give you this information-the Truth-and in telling you I have seen them, I hope that it will make your heart lighter.
Doree wondered what Mrs. Sands would say or think if she read this letter. Mrs. Sands would be careful, of course. She would be careful not to pa.s.s an outright verdict of craziness, but she would carefully, kindly, steer Doree around in that direction.
Or you might say she wouldn"t steer-she would just pull the confusion away so that Doree would have to face what would seem to have been her own conclusion all along. She would have to put the whole dangerous nonsense-this was Mrs. Sands speaking-out of her mind.
That was why Doree was not going anywhere near her.
Doree did think that he was crazy. And in what he had written there seemed to be some trace of the old bragging. She didn"t write back. Days went by. Weeks. She didn"t alter her opinion, but she still held on to what he"d written, like a secret. And from time to time, when she was in the middle of spraying a bathroom mirror or tightening a sheet, a feeling came over her. For almost two years she had not taken any notice of the things that generally made people happy, such as nice weather or flowers in bloom or the smell of a bakery. She still did not have that spontaneous sense of happiness, exactly, but she had a reminder of what it was like. It had nothing to do with the weather or flowers. It was the idea that the children were in what he had called their Dimension that came sneaking up on her in this way, and for the first time brought a light feeling to her, not pain.
In all the time since what had happened, any thought of the children had been something she had to get rid of, pull out immediately like a knife in her throat. She could not think their names, and if she heard a name that sounded like one of theirs she had to pull that out too. Even children"s voices, their shrieks and slapping feet as they ran to and from the motel swimming pool, had to be banished by a sort of gate that she could slam down behind her ears. What was different now was that she had a refuge she could go to as soon as such dangers arose anywhere around her.
And who had given it to her? Not Mrs. Sands-that was for sure. Not in all those hours sitting by the desk with the Kleenex discreetly handy.
Lloyd had given it to her. Lloyd, that terrible person, that isolated and insane person.
Insane if you wanted to call it that. But wasn"t it possible that what he said was true-that he had come out on the other side? And who was to say that the visions of a person who had done such a thing and made such a journey might not mean something?
This notion wormed its way into her head and stayed there.
Along with the thought that Lloyd, of all people, might be the person she should be with now. What other use could she be in the world-she seemed to be saying this to somebody, probably to Mrs. Sands-what was she here for if not at least to listen to him?
I didn"t say "forgive," she said to Mrs. Sands in her head. I would never say that. I would never do it.
But think. Aren"t I just as cut off by what happened as he is? n.o.body who knew about it would want me around. All I can do is remind people of what n.o.body can stand to be reminded of.
Disguise wasn"t possible, not really. That crown of yellow spikes was pathetic.
So she found herself travelling on the bus again, heading down the highway. She remembered those nights right after her mother had died, when she would sneak out to meet Lloyd, lying to her mother"s friend, the woman she was staying with, about where she was going. She remembered the friend"s name, her mother"s friend"s name. Laurie.
Who but Lloyd would remember the children"s names now, or the color of their eyes. Mrs. Sands, when she had to mention them, did not even call them children but "your family," putting them in one clump together.
Going to meet Lloyd in those days, lying to Laurie, she had felt no guilt, only a sense of destiny, submission. She had felt that she was put on earth for no reason other than to be with him and to try to understand him.
Well, it wasn"t like that now. It was not the same.
She was sitting in the front seat across from the driver. She had a clear view through the windshield. And that was why she was the only pa.s.senger on the bus, the only person other than the driver, to see a pickup truck pull out from a side road without even slowing down, to see it rock across the empty Sunday-morning highway in front of them and plunge into the ditch. And to see something even stranger: the driver of the truck flying through the air in a manner that seemed both swift and slow, absurd and graceful. He landed in the gravel at the edge of the pavement.
The other pa.s.sengers didn"t know why the driver had put on the brakes and brought them to a sudden uncomfortable stop. And at first all that Doree thought was, How did he get out? The young man or boy, who must have fallen asleep at the wheel. How did he fly out of the truck and launch himself so elegantly into the air?
"Fellow right in front of us," the driver said to the pa.s.sengers. He was trying to speak loudly and calmly, but there was a tremor of amazement, something like awe, in his voice. "Just plowed across the road and into the ditch. We"ll be on our way again as soon as we can, and in the meantime please don"t get out of the bus."
As if she had not heard that, or had some special right to be useful, Doree got out behind him. He did not reprimand her.
"G.o.dd.a.m.n a.s.shole," he said as they crossed the road, and there was nothing in his voice now but anger and exasperation. "G.o.dd.a.m.n a.s.shole kid, can you believe it?"
The boy was lying on his back, arms and legs flung out, like somebody making an angel in the snow. Only there was gravel around him, not snow. His eyes were not quite closed. He was so young, a boy who had shot up tall before he even needed to shave. Possibly without a driver"s license.
The driver was talking on his phone.
"Mile or so south of Bayfield, on Twenty-one, east side of the road."
A trickle of pink foam came out from under the boy"s head, near the ear. It did not look like blood at all, but like the stuff you skim off from strawberries when you"re making jam.
Doree crouched down beside him. She laid a hand on his chest. It was still. She bent her ear close. Somebody had ironed his shirt recently-it had that smell.
No breathing.
But her fingers on his smooth neck found a pulse.
She remembered something she"d been told. It was Lloyd who had told her, in case one of the children had an accident and he wasn"t there. The tongue. The tongue can block the breathing, if it has fallen into the back of the throat. She laid the fingers of one hand on the boy"s forehead and two fingers of the other hand under his chin. Press down on the forehead, press up the chin, to clear the airway. A slight but firm tilt.
If he still didn"t breathe she would have to breathe into him.
She pinches the nostrils, takes a deep breath, seals his mouth with her lips, and breathes. Two breaths and check. Two breaths and check.
Another male voice, not the driver"s. A motorist must have stopped. "You want this blanket under his head?" She shook her head slightly. She had remembered something else, about not moving the victim, so that you do not injure the spinal cord. She enveloped his mouth. She pressed his warm fresh skin. She breathed and waited. She breathed and waited again. And a faint moisture seemed to rise against her face.
The driver said something but she could not look up. Then she felt it for sure. A breath out of the boy"s mouth. She spread her hand on the skin of his chest and at first she could not tell if it was rising and falling because of her own trembling.
Yes. Yes.
It was a true breath. The airway was open. He was breathing on his own. He was breathing.
"Just lay it over him," she said to the man with the blanket. "To keep him warm."
"Is he alive?" the driver said, bending over her.
She nodded. Her fingers found the pulse again. The horrible pink stuff had not continued to flow. Maybe it was nothing important. Not from his brain.
"I can"t hold the bus for you," the driver said. "We"re behind schedule as it is."
The motorist said, "That"s okay. I can take over."
Be quiet, be quiet, she wanted to tell them. It seemed to her that silence was necessary, that everything in the world outside the boy"s body had to concentrate, help it not to lose track of its duty to breathe.
Shy but steady whiffs now, a sweet obedience in the chest. Keep on, keep on.
"You hear that? This guy says he"ll stay and watch out for him," the driver said. "Ambulance is coming as fast as they can."
"Go on," Doree said. "I"ll hitch a ride to town with them and catch you on your way back tonight."
He had to bend to hear her. She spoke dismissively, without raising her head, as if she were the one whose breath was precious.
"You sure?" he said.
Sure.
"You don"t have to get to London?"
No.
Fiction
I.
The best thing in winter was driving home, after her day teaching music in the Rough River schools. It would already be dark, and on the upper streets of the town snow might be falling, while rain lashed the car on the coastal highway. Joyce drove beyond the limits of the town into the forest, and though it was a real forest with great Douglas firs and cedar trees, there were people living in it every quarter mile or so. There were some people who had market gardens, a few who had some sheep or riding horses, and there were enterprises like Jon"s-he restored and made furniture. Also the services advertised beside the road, and more particular to this part of the world-tarot readings, herbal ma.s.sage, conflict resolution. Some people lived in trailers; others had built their own houses, incorporating thatched roofs and log ends, and still others, like Jon and Joyce, were renovating old farmhouses.
There was the one special thing Joyce loved to see as she was driving home and turning in to their own property. At this time many people, even some of the thatched-roof people, were putting in what were called patio doors-even if like Jon and Joyce they had no patio. These were usually left uncurtained, and the two oblongs of light seemed to be a sign or pledge of comfort, of safety and replenishment. Why this should be so, more than with ordinary windows, Joyce could not say. Perhaps it was that most were meant not just to look out on but to open directly into the forest darkness, and that they displayed the haven of home so artlessly. Full-length people cooking or watching television-scenes which beguiled her, even if she knew things would not be so special inside.
What she saw when she turned in to her own unpaved puddled driveway was the set of these doors put in by Jon, framing the gutted glowing interior of their house. The stepladder, the unfinished kitchen shelves, exposed stairs, warm wood lit up by the lightbulb that Jon positioned to shine wherever he wanted it, wherever he was working. He worked all day in his shed, and then when it began to get dark he sent his apprentice home and started working on the house. Hearing her car, he would turn his head in Joyce"s direction just for a moment, in greeting. Usually his hands would be too busy to wave. Sitting there, with the car lights off, gathering up whatever groceries or mail she had to take into the house, Joyce was happy even to have that last dash to the door, through the dark and the wind and the cold rain. She felt herself shedding the day"s work, which was harried and uncertain, filled with the dispensing of music to the indifferent as well as the responsive. How much better to work with wood and by yourself-she did not count the apprentice-than with the unpredictable human young.
She didn"t say any of that to Jon. He disliked hearing people talk about how basic and fine and honorable it was to work with wood. What integrity that had, what dignity.
He would say, c.r.a.p.
Jon and Joyce had met at an urban high school in a factory city in Ontario. Joyce had the second-highest IQ in their cla.s.s, and Jon had the highest IQ in the school and probably in that city. She was expected to turn into a fine performer on the violin-that was before she gave it up for the cello-and he was to become some daunting sort of scientist whose labors were beyond description in the ordinary world.
In their first year at college they dropped out of their cla.s.ses and ran away together. They got jobs here and there, travelled by bus across the continent, lived for a year on the Oregon coast, were reconciled, at a distance, with their parents, for whom a light had gone out in the world. It was getting rather late in the day for them to be called hippies, but that was what their parents called them. They never thought of themselves that way. They did not do drugs, they dressed conservatively though rather shabbily, and Jon made a point of shaving and getting Joyce to cut his hair. They tired of their temporary minimum-wage jobs after a while and borrowed from their disappointed families so that they could qualify to make a better living. Jon learned carpentry and woodworking, and Joyce got a degree that made her eligible to teach music in the schools.
The job she got was in Rough River. They bought this tumbledown house for almost nothing and settled into to a new phase in their lives. They planted a garden, got to know their neighbors-some of whom were still real hippies, tending small grow operations deep in the bush and making bead necklaces and herb sachets to sell.
Their neighbors liked Jon. He was still skinny and bright eyed, egotistical but ready to listen. And it was a time when most people were just getting used to computers, which he understood and could patiently explain. Joyce was less popular. Her methods of teaching music were thought to be too formalized.
Joyce and Jon cooked supper together and drank some of their homemade wine. (Jon"s method of winemaking was strict and successful.) Joyce talked about the frustrations and comedy of her day. Jon did not talk much-he was, for one thing, more involved in the cooking. But when they got around to eating he might tell her about some customer who had come in, or about his apprentice, Edie. They would laugh about something Edie had said. But not in a disparaging way-Edie was like a pet, Joyce sometimes thought. Or like a child. Though if she had been a child, their child, and had been the way she was, they might have been too puzzled and perhaps too concerned to laugh.
Why? What way? She wasn"t stupid. Jon said she was no genius when it came to woodworking, but she learned and remembered what she was taught. And the important thing was that she wasn"t garrulous. That was what he had been most afraid of when the business of hiring an apprentice had come up. A government program had been started-he was to be paid a certain amount for teaching the person, and whoever it was would be paid enough to live on while learning. At first he hadn"t been willing, but Joyce had talked him into it. She believed they had an obligation to society.
Edie might not have talked a lot, but when she did talk it was forceful.
"I abstain from all drugs and alcohol" was what she told them at her first interview. "I belong to AA and I am a recovering alcoholic. We never say we are recovered, because we never are. You never are as long as you live. I have a nine-year-old daughter and she was born without a father so she is my total responsibility and I mean to bring her up right. My ambition is to learn woodworking so I can provide for myself and my child."
While delivering this speech she sat staring at them, one after the other, across their kitchen table. She was a short st.u.r.dy young woman who did not look old enough or damaged enough to have much of a career of dissipation behind her. Broad shoulders, thick bangs, tight ponytail, no possibility of a smile.
"And one more thing," she said. She unb.u.t.toned and removed her long-sleeved blouse. She was wearing an undershirt. Both arms, her upper chest, and-when she turned around-her upper back were decorated with tattoos. It was as if her skin had become a garment, or perhaps a comic book of faces both leering and tender, beset by dragons, whales, flames, too intricate or maybe too horrid to be comprehended.