The teacher says it is a pity to be scared of the woods all the time. There are walks you can take there, she says, where wild animals won"t bother you, especially if you make a noise and usually you do. She knows the safe paths and she knows the names of all the wildflowers that will be coming out about now. Dogtooth violets. Trilliums. Wake-robins. Purple violets and columbines. Chocolate lilies.
"I think there is another proper name for them, but I like to call them chocolate lilies. It sounds so delicious. Of course, it isn"t anything about the way they taste but the way they look. They look just like chocolate with a bit of purple like crushed berries. They"re rare but I know where there are some."
Joyce puts the book down again. Now, now, she really has caught the drift, she can feel the horror coming. The innocent child, the sick and sneaking adult, that seduction. She should have known. All so in fashion these days, practically obligatory. The woods, the spring flowers. Here was where the writer would graft her ugly invention onto the people and the situation she had got out of real life, being too lazy to invent but not to malign.
For some of it was true, certainly. She does remember things she had forgotten. Driving Christine home, and never thinking of her as Christine but always as Edie"s child. She remembers how she could not drive into the yard to turn around but always let the child off by the side of the road, then drove another half mile or so to get a place to turn. She does not remember anything about the ice cream. But there used to be a houseboat exactly like that moored down at the dock. Even the flowers, and the sly horrible questioning of the child-that could be true.
She has to continue. She would like to pour more brandy, but she has a rehearsal at nine o"clock in the morning.
Nothing of the sort. She has made another mistake. The woods and the chocolate lilies drop out of the story, the recital is almost pa.s.sed over. School has just ended. And on the Sunday morning after the final week the child is wakened early. She hears the teacher"s voice in the yard and she goes to her window. There is the teacher in her car with the window down, talking to Jon. A small U-Haul is attached to the car. Jon is in his bare feet, bare chested, wearing only his jeans. He calls to the child"s mother and she comes to the kitchen door and walks a few steps into the yard but does not go up to the car. She is wearing a shirt of Jon"s which she uses as a dressing gown. She always wears long sleeves to hide her tattoos.
The conversation is about something in the apartment which Jon promises to pick up. The teacher tosses him the keys. Then he and the child"s mother, talking over each other, urge her to take some other things. But the teacher laughs unpleasantly and says, "All yours." Soon Jon says, "Okay. See you," and the teacher echoes "See you," and the child"s mother doesn"t say anything you can hear. The teacher laughs in the same way she did before and Jon gives her directions about how to turn the car and the U-Haul around in the yard. By this time the child is running downstairs in her pajamas, though she knows the teacher is not in the right mood to talk to her.
"You just missed her," the child"s mother says. "She had to catch the ferry."
There is a honk of the horn; Jon raises one hand. Then he comes across the yard and says to the child"s mother, "That"s that."
The child asks if the teacher is going to come back and he says, "Not likely."
What takes up another half page is the child"s increasing understanding of what has been going on. As she grows older she recalls certain questions, the seemingly haphazard probing there had been. Information-quite useless really-about Jon (whom she does not call Jon) and her mother. When did they get up in the morning? What did they like to eat and did they cook together? What did they listen to on the radio? (Nothing-they had bought a television.) What was the teacher after? Did she hope to hear bad things? Or was she just hungry to hear anything, to be in contact with somebody who slept under the same roof, ate at the same table, was close to those two people daily?
That is what the child can never know. What she can know is how little she herself counted for, how her infatuation was manipulated, what a poor little fool she was. And this fills her with bitterness, certainly it does. Bitterness and pride. She thinks of herself as a person never to be fooled again.
But something happens. And here is the surprise ending. Her feelings about the teacher and that period in her childhood one day change. She doesn"t know how or when, but she realizes that she no longer thinks of that time as a cheat. She thinks of the music she painfully learned to play (she gave it up, of course, before she was even in her teens). The buoyancy of her hopes, the streaks of happiness, the curious and delightful names of the forest flowers that she never got to see.
Love. She was glad of it. It almost seemed as if there must be some random and of course unfair thrift in the emotional housekeeping of the world, if the great happiness-however temporary, however flimsy-of one person could come out of the great unhappiness of another.
Why yes, Joyce thinks. Yes.
On Friday afternoon she goes to the bookstore. She brings her book to be signed, as well as a small box from Le Bon Chocolatier. She joins a lineup. She is slightly surprised to see how many people have come. Women of her own age, women older and younger. A few men who are all younger, some accompanying their girlfriends.
The woman who sold Joyce the book recognizes her.
"Good to see you back," she says. "Did you read the review in the Globe? Globe? Wow." Wow."
Joyce is bewildered, actually trembling a little. She finds it hard to speak.
The woman pa.s.ses along the lineup, explaining that only books bought in this store can be autographed here and that a certain anthology in which one of Christie O"Dell"s stories appears is not acceptable, she is sorry.
The woman in front of Joyce is both tall and broad, so she does not get a look at Christie O"Dell until this woman bends forward to place her book on the autographing table. Then she sees a young woman altogether different from the girl on the poster and the girl at the party. The black outfit is gone, also the black hat. Christie O"Dell wears a jacket of rosy-red silk brocade, with tiny gold beads sewn to its lapels. A delicate pink camisole is worn underneath. There is a fresh gold rinse in her hair, gold rings in her ears, and a gold chain fine as a hair around her neck. Her lips glisten like flower petals and her eyelids are shaded with umber.
Well-who wants to buy a book written by a grouch or a loser?
Joyce has not thought out what she will say. She expects it to come to her.
Now the saleswoman is speaking again.
"Have you opened your book to the page where you wish it to be signed?"
Joyce has to set her box down to do that. She can actually feel a flutter in her throat.
Christie O"Dell looks up at her, smiles at her-a smile of polished cordiality, professional disengagement.
"Your name?"
"Just Joyce will be fine."
Her time is pa.s.sing so quickly.
"You were born in Rough River?"
"No," says Christie O"Dell with some slight displeasure, or at least some diminishing of cheer. "I did live there for a time. Shall I put the date?"
Joyce retrieves her box. At Le Bon Chocolatier they did sell chocolate flowers, but not lilies. Only roses and tulips. So she had bought tulips, which were not actually unlike lilies. Both bulbs.
"I want to thank you for "Kindertotenlieder," "Kindertotenlieder,"" she says so hastily that she almost swallows the long word. "It means a great deal to me. I brought you a present."
"Isn"t that a wonderful story." The saleswoman takes the box. "I"ll just hang on to this."
"It isn"t a bomb," says Joyce with a laugh. "It"s chocolate lilies. Actually tulips. They didn"t have lilies so I got tulips, I thought they were the next best thing."
She notices that the saleswoman is not smiling now but taking a hard look at her. Christie O"Dell says, "Thank you."
There is not a sc.r.a.p of recognition in the girl"s face. She doesn"t know Joyce from years ago in Rough River or two weeks ago at the party. You couldn"t even be sure that she had recognized the t.i.tle of her own story. You would think she had nothing to do with it. As if it was just something she wriggled out of and left on the gra.s.s.
Christie O"Dell sits there and writes her name as if that is all the writing she could be responsible for in this world.
"It"s been a pleasure to chat with you," says the saleswoman, still looking at the box which the girl at Le Bon Chocolatier has fixed with a curly yellow ribbon.
Christie O"Dell has raised her eyes to greet the next person in line, and Joyce at last has the sense to move on, before she becomes an object of general amus.e.m.e.nt and her box, G.o.d knows, possibly an object of interest to the police.
Walking up Lonsdale Avenue, walking uphill, she feels flattened, but gradually regains her composure. This might even turn into a funny story that she would tell someday. She wouldn"t be surprised.
Wenlock Edge
My mother had a bachelor cousin who used to visit us on the farm once a summer. He brought along his mother, Aunt Nell Botts. His own name was Ernie Botts. He was a tall florid man with a good-natured expression, a big square face, and fair curly hair springing straight up from his forehead. His hands, his fingernails, were as clean as soap, and his hips were a little plump. My name for him-when he was not around-was Earnest Bottom. I had a mean tongue.
But I believed I meant no harm. Hardly any harm. After Aunt Nell Botts died he did not come anymore, but sent a Christmas card.
When I went to college in London-that is, in London, Ontario-where he lived, he started a custom of taking me out to dinner every other Sunday evening. It seemed to me that this was the sort of thing he would do because I was a relative-he would not even have to consider whether we were suited to spending time together. He always took me to the same place, a restaurant called the Old Chelsea, which was upstairs, looking down on Dundas Street. It had velvet curtains, white tablecloths, little rose-shaded lamps on the tables. It probably cost more than he could afford, but I did not think of that, having a country girl"s notion that all men who lived in cities, wore a suit every day, and sported such clean fingernails had reached a level of prosperity where indulgences like this were the usual thing.
I had the most exotic offering on the menu, such as chicken vol au vent vol au vent or duck or duck a l"orange a l"orange, while he always ate roast beef. Desserts were wheeled up to the table on a dinner wagon. There was usually a tall coconut cake, custard tarts topped with out-of-season strawberries, chocolate-coated pastry horns full of whipped cream. I took a long time to decide, like a five-year-old with flavors of ice cream, and then on Monday I had to fast all day, to make up for such gorging.
Ernie looked a little too young to be my father. I hoped that n.o.body from the college would see us and think he was my boyfriend.
He inquired about my courses, and nodded seriously when I told him, or reminded him, that I was in Honors English and Philosophy. He didn"t roll up his eyes at the information, the way people at home did. He told me that he had a great respect for education and regretted that he did not have the means to continue his own after high school. Instead, he had got a job working for the Canadian National railways, as a ticket salesman. Now he was a supervisor.
He liked serious reading, but it was not a subst.i.tute for a college education.
I was pretty sure that his idea of serious reading would be the Condensed Books of the Reader"s Digest, and to get him off the subject of my studies I told him about my rooming house. In those days the college had no dormitories-we all lived in rooming houses or cheap apartments or fraternity or sorority houses. My room was the attic of an old house, with a large floor s.p.a.ce and not much headroom. But being the former maid"s quarters, it had its own bathroom. On the second floor were the rooms occupied by two other scholarship students, who were in their final year in Modern Languages. Their names were Kay and Beverly. In the high-ceilinged but chopped-up rooms downstairs lived a medical student, who was hardly ever home, and his wife, Beth, who was home all the time, because she had two very young children. Beth was the house manager and rent collector, and there was often a feud going on between her and the second-floor girls about how they washed their clothes in the bathroom and hung them there to dry. When the medical student was home he sometimes had to use that bathroom because of the baby stuff in the one downstairs, and Beth said he shouldn"t have to cope with stockings in his face and a bunch of intimate doodads. Kay and Beverly retorted that use of their own bathroom had been promised when they moved in.
This was the sort of thing I chose to tell to Ernie, who flushed and said that they should have got it in writing.
Kay and Beverly were a disappointment to me. They worked hard at Modern Languages, but their conversation and preoccupations seemed hardly different from those of girls who might work in banks or offices. They did their hair up in pin curls and painted their fingernails on Sat.u.r.days, because that was the night they had dates with their boyfriends. On Sundays they had to soothe their faces with lotion because of the whisker-burns the boyfriends had inflicted on them. I didn"t find either boyfriend in the least desirable, and I wondered how they could.
They said that they had once had some crazy idea of being translators at the United Nations, but now they figured they would teach high school, and with any luck get married.
They gave me unwelcome advice.
I had got a job in the college cafeteria. I pushed a cart around collecting dirty dishes off the tables and wiped the tables clean when they were empty. And I set out food to be picked up from the shelves.
They said that this job was not a good idea.
"Boys won"t ask you out if they see you at a job like that."
I told Ernie this, and he said, "So, what did you say?"
I told him that I had said I would not want to go out with anybody who would make such a judgment, so what was the problem?
Now I"d hit the right note. Ernie glowed; he chopped his hands up and down in the air.
"Absolutely right," he said. "That is absolutely the att.i.tude to take. Honest work. Never listen to anybody who wants to put you down for doing honest work. Just go right ahead and ignore them. Keep your pride. Anybody that doesn"t like it, you tell them they can lump it."
This speech of his, the righteousness and approval lighting his large face, the jerky enthusiasm of his movements, roused the first doubts in me, the first gloomy suspicion that the warning, after all, might have some weight to it.
There was a note under my door saying that Beth wanted to talk to me. I was afraid it would be about my coat hung over the bannister to dry, or my feet making too much noise on the stairs when her husband Blake (sometimes) and the babies (always) had to sleep in the daytime.
The door opened on the scene of misery and confusion in which it seemed that all Beth"s days were pa.s.sed. Wet laundry-diapers and smelly baby woolens-was hanging from some ceiling racks, bottles in a sterilizer bubbled and rattled on the stove. The windows were steamed up, and soggy cloths or soiled stuffed toys were thrown on the chairs. The big baby was hanging on to the rungs of the playpen and letting out an accusing howl-Beth had obviously just set him in there-and the smaller baby was in the high chair, with some mushy pumpkin-colored food spread like a rash across his mouth and chin.
Beth peered out from all this with a tight expression of superiority on her small flat face, as if to say that not many people could put up with such a nightmare as well as she could, even if the world was too ungenerous to give her the least credit.
"You know when you moved in," she said, then raised her voice to compete with the big baby, "when you moved in I mentioned to you that there was enough s.p.a.ce up there for two?"
Not in the matter of headroom, I was about to say, but she continued right on, informing me that there was another girl moving in. She was going to be there from Tuesdays to Fridays. She would be auditing some courses at the college.
"Blake will get the daybed in tonight. She won"t take up much room. I don"t imagine she"ll bring many clothes-she lives in town. You"ve had it all to yourself for six weeks now, and you"ll still have it that way on weekends."
No mention of any reduction in the rent.
Nina actually did not take up much room. She was small, and thoughtful in her movements-she never b.u.mped her head against the rafters, as I did. She spent a lot of her time sitting cross-legged on the daybed, her brownish-blond hair falling over her face, a j.a.panese kimono loose over her childish white underwear. She had beautiful clothes-a camel"s hair coat, cashmere sweaters, a pleated tartan skirt with a large silver pin. Just the sort of clothes you would see in a magazine layout, with the heading: "Outfitting Your Junior Miss for Her New Life on Campus." But the moment she got back from the college she discarded her costume for the kimono. She usually didn"t bother hanging anything up. I followed the same routine of getting out of my school clothes, but in my case it was to keep the press in my skirt and preserve a reasonable freshness in the blouse or sweater, so I hung everything up carefully. In the evenings I wore a woolly bathrobe. I had eaten an early supper at the college as part of my wages, and Nina too seemed to have eaten, though I didn"t know where. Perhaps her supper was just what she ate all evening-almonds and oranges and a supply of little chocolate kisses wrapped in red or gold or purple foil.
I asked her if she didn"t get cold, in that light kimono.
"Unh-unh," she said. She grabbed my hand and pressed it to her neck. "I"m permanently warm," she said, and in fact she was. Her skin even looked warm, though she said that was just her tan, and it was fading. And connected with this skin warmth was a particular odor which was nutty or spicy, not displeasing but not the odor of a body that was constantly bathed and showered. (Nor was I entirely fresh myself, due to Beth"s rule of one bath a week. Many people then bathed no more than once a week, and I have an idea that there was more human smell around, in spite of talc.u.m and the gritty paste deodorants.) I usually read some book until late at night. I had thought it might be harder to read with someone else in the room, but Nina was an easy presence. She peeled her oranges and chocolates, she laid out games of patience. When she had to stretch to move a card she would sometimes make a little noise, a groan or grunt, as if she complained of this slight adjustment of her body, but took pleasure in it, all the same. Otherwise she was content, and curled up to sleep with the light on anytime she was ready. And because there was no demand or special need for talk we soon began to talk, and tell about our lives.
Nina was twenty-two years old and this was what had happened to her since she was fifteen: First, she had gotten herself pregnant (that was how she put it) and married the father, who wasn"t much older than she was. This was in a town somewhere out from Chicago. The name of the town was Laneyville, and the only jobs were at the grain elevator or fixing machinery, for the boys, and working in stores for the girls. Nina"s ambition was to be a hairdresser, but you had to go away and train for that. Laneyville wasn"t where she had always lived, it was where her grandmother lived, and she lived with her grandmother because her father had died and her mother got married again and her stepfather had kicked her out.
She had a second baby, another boy, and her husband was supposed to have a job promised in another town, so he went off there. He was going to send for her, but he never did. She left both the children with her grandmother and took the bus to Chicago.
On the bus she met a girl named Marcy who like her was headed for Chicago. Marcy knew a man there who owned a restaurant and would give them jobs. But when they got to Chicago and located the restaurant it turned out he didn"t own it but had only worked there and he had quit some time before. The man who did own it had an empty room upstairs and he let them stay there in return for cleaning the place up every night. They had to use the ladies" in the restaurant but weren"t supposed to spend much time there in the daytime because it was for customers. They had to wash any clothes that needed it after closing time.
They didn"t sleep hardly at all. They made friends with a barman-he was a queer but nice-in a place across the street and he let them drink ginger ale for free. They met a man there who invited them to a party and from that they got asked to other parties and it was during this time that Nina met Mr. Purvis. It was he in fact who gave her the name Nina. Before that she had been June. She went to live in Mr. Purvis"s place in Chicago.
She was waiting till the right time to bring up the subject of her boys. There was so much room in Mr. Purvis"s house that she was thinking they could live with her there. But when she mentioned it Mr. Purvis told her he despised children. He did not want her to get pregnant, ever. But somehow she did, and she and Mr. Purvis went to j.a.pan to get her an abortion.
Up until the last minute that was what she thought she would do, and then she decided, no. She would go ahead and have the baby.
All right, he said. He would pay her way back to Chicago, and from then on, she was on her own.
She knew her way around a bit by this time, and she went to a place where they looked after you till the baby was born, and you could have it adopted. It was born and it was a girl and Nina named her Gemma and made up her mind to keep her.
She knew another girl who had had a baby in this place and kept it, and she and this girl made an arrangement that they would work shifts and live together and raise their babies. They got an apartment that they could afford and they got jobs-Nina"s in a c.o.c.ktail lounge-and everything was all right. Then Nina came home just before Christmas-Gemma was then eight months old-and found the other mother half drunk and fooling around with a man and the baby, Gemma, burning up with fever and too sick to even cry.
Nina wrapped her up and got a cab and took her to the hospital. The traffic was all snarled up because of Christmas, and when they finally got there they told her it was the wrong hospital for some reason and sent her off to another hospital, and on the way there Gemma had a convulsion and died.
She wanted to have a real burial for Gemma, not just have her put in with some old pauper who had died (that was what she heard happened with a baby"s body when you didn"t have any money), so she went to Mr. Purvis. He was nicer to her than she had expected, and he paid for the casket and everything and the gravestone with Gemma"s name, and after it was all over he took Nina back. They went on a long trip to London and Paris and a lot of other places to cheer her up. When they got back he shut up the house in Chicago and moved here. He owned some property near here, out in the country, he owned racehorses.
He asked her if she would like to get an education, and she said she would. He said she should just sit in on some courses to see what she would like to study. She told him that she would like to live part of the time just the way ordinary students lived, and dress like them and study like them, and he said he thought that could be managed.
Her life made me feel like a simpleton.
I asked her what was Mr. Purvis"s first name.
"Arthur."
"Why don"t you call him that?"
"It wouldn"t sound natural."
Nina was not supposed to go out at night, except to the college for certain specified events, such as a play or a concert or a lecture. She was supposed to eat dinner and lunch at the college. Though as I said, I don"t know whether she ever did. Breakfast was Nescafe in our room, and day-old doughnuts I got to take home from the cafeteria. Mr. Purvis did not like the sound of this but accepted it as part of Nina"s imitation of a college student"s life. As long as she ate a good hot meal once a day and a sandwich and soup at another meal he was satisfied, and this was what he thought she did. She checked what the cafeteria was offering, so she could tell him that she"d had the sausages or the Salisbury steak, and the salmon or the egg salad sandwich.
"So how would he know if you did go out?"
Nina got to her feet, with that little personal sound of complaint or pleasure, and padded to the attic window.
"Come over here," she said. "And stay behind the curtain. See?"
A black car, parked not right across the street, but a few doors down. A streetlight caught the white hair of the driver.
"Mrs. Winner," said Nina. "She"ll be there till midnight. Or later, I don"t know. If I went out she"d follow me and hang around wherever I went and follow me back."
"What if she went to sleep?"