You act innocent enough in public, but I"ll bet you"re a bear when it comes to workin" up to a quick clinch behind the palms."
Ernie almost gasps with horror at the thought.
"Oh, I wouldn"t put it past you," says I. "I expect, though, you"d like to have me cla.s.s you among the great unkissed?"
"As a matter of fact," says Ernie solemn, "I have never--Well, not since I was a mere boy, at least. It--it"s just happened so."
"And you past thirty!" says I. "What a long spell to be out of luck!"
So I suggests that we work through until about 7:45 and then hit the Regal roof for a $2 feed and a view of some of this fancy skatin"
they"re pullin" off there. But that ain"t Ernie"s plan at all. He has his mouth all set for an oyster stew and a plate of crullers down in the Arcade beanerie.
"Ah, forget your old automatic habits for once," says I. "This dinner is on the house, you know, so why not make it a reg"lar one? Come along."
And for a wonder I persuades him to do it. I expect this idea of chargin" it on the expense account hadn"t occurred to him.
Anyway, that"s how it come we were piking through West Forty-fifth Street with the first of the theater crowds, Ernie still protestin" that he really didn"t care for this sort of thing--cabaret stunts and all that--and me kiddin" him along as usual, sayin" I"ll bet the head waiter would call him by his first name, when the net is cast sudden over Ernie"s head.
I don"t know which one of us saw her first. All I"m sure of is that we both sort of slowed up and did the gawp act. You could hardly blame us, for here in a taxi by the curb is--Well, it would take Robert Chambers a page and a half at twenty cents a word to do her full justice, so I"ll just say she was a lovely lady.
No, I ain"t gettin" her mixed with any of Mr. Ziegfeld"s stars, nor she ain"t any broker"s bride plucked from the switch-board. She"s the real thing in the lady line, though how I knew it"s hard to tell. Also she"s a home-grown siren that works without the aid of a lip-stick, permanent wave, or an eyebrow pencil. Anyway, here she is leaning through the taxi door and shootin" over the alluring smile.
I couldn"t quite believe it was meant for either of us until I"d scouted around to see if there wasn"t someone else in line. No, there wasn"t.
And as Ernie is nearest, course I knows it"s for him.
"Ah, ha!" says I. "Who"s your friend with the golden tresses?"
That"s what they were, all right. You don"t see hair like that every day, and it ain"t the shade which can be produced at a beauty parlor.
It"s the 18-karat kind, done up sort of loose and careless, but all the more dangerous for that. And with that snowy white complexion, except for the pink flush on the cheeks, and the big, starry blue eyes, she sure is a stunner.
"Do--do you think she means me?" whispers Ernie husky, as we stop in our tracks.
"Ah come!" says I. "This is no time to stall. If she hadn"t spotted you direct you might have let on you didn"t see her, and strolled back after you"d given me the slip. As it is, Ernie, I"ve got the goods on you for once and you might as well----"
"But I--I don"t know her at all," insists Ernie.
Just then, though, she reaches out a pair of bare arms and remarks real folksy: "At last you"ve come, haven"t you?"
"Seems to be fairly well acquainted with you, though, Ernie boy," says I.
As for Ernie, he just stands there starin" bug-eyed and gaspy, as if he didn"t know what to do. Course, I couldn"t tell why. I knew he always had acted like a poor prune when he was kidded by the flossy key pounders in the office, but almost any nut could see this was an entirely different case. Here was a regular person, all dolled up in a cla.s.sy evening gown, with a fur-trimmed opera cape slippin" off her shoulders. And she was givin" him the straight call.
"But--but there must be some mistake," protests Ernie.
"If there is," says I, "it"s up to you to put the lady wise. You can"t walk off and leave her with her hands in the air, can you? Ah, don"t be a fish! Step up."
With that I gives him a push and Ernie staggers over to the curb.
"It"s been so long," I hears the lady murmur, "but I knew you would remember. Come."
What Ernie said then I didn"t quite catch, but the next thing I knew he"d been dragged in, the chauffeur had got the signal, and as the taxi started off toward Fifth Avenue I had a glimpse of what looked very much like a fond clinch, with Ernie as the clinchee.
And there I am left with my mouth open. I expect I hung up there fully ten minutes, tryin" to dope out what had happened. Had Ernie just been stallin" me off tryin" to establish an alibi? Or was it a case of poor memory? No, that didn"t seem likely. She wasn"t the kind of a female party a man could forget easy, if he"d ever really known her. Specially a gink like Ernie who"d had such a limited experience. Nor she wasn"t the type that would go out cruisin" in a cab after perfect strangers.
Not her. Besides, hadn"t she recognized Ernie on sight? Then there was the quick clinch. No discountin" that. Whoever it was it"s somebody who don"t hesitate to hug Ernie right in public. And yet he sticks to it, right up to the last, that he don"t know her. Well, I gave it up.
"Either he"s a foxier sport than we"ve been givin" him credit for,"
thinks I, "or else the lady has made the mistake of her life. If she has she"ll soon find it out and Ernie will be trailing back on the hunt for me."
But after walkin" up and down the block three times without seeing anything that looked like Ernie I dodges into a chop-house and has a bite all by my lonesome. Then I wanders back to the general offices and tries to wind up what we"d been workin" on. But I couldn"t help wondering about Ernie. Had he just plain buffaloed me, or what? If he had, who was his swell lady friend? And how did she come to be waitin"
there in the taxi? By the way she was costumed she might have been on her way to some dinner dance on Fifth Avenue. That was a perfectly spiffy evening dress she had on, what there was of it. And I could remember jewels sparklin" here and there. Course, she was no chicken; somewhere under thirty would have been my guess, but she sure was easy to look at. Such eyes, too! Yes, a little starry maybe, but big and sparkly. No wonder Ernie didn"t care to look at any of our lady typists if he had that in the background.
So I wasn"t gettin" ahead very fast untanglin" them dockage contracts, and before 11 o"clock I was yawning. I"d just decided to quit and loaf around the station until the theater train was ready when I hears an unsteady step in the outer office and the next minute in blows Ernie.
That is, it"s somebody who looks a little as Ernie did three hours before. But his derby is busted in on one side, one end of his wing collar has been carried away and is ridin" up towards his left ear, his coat is all dusty, and his face is flushed up like a new fire truck.
"For the love of soup!" says I, gaspy. "Must have been some party?"
Ernie, he braces himself by grippin" a chair-back and makes a stab at recoverin" his usual stiff-neck pose. But it"s a flat failure. So he gives up, waves one hand around vague, and indulges in a foolish smile.
"Wha"--wha" makes you think sho--party?" he demands.
"I got second sight, Ernie," says I, "and it tells me you"ve been spilled off the wagon."
"You--you think I--I"ve been drinkin"?" asks Ernie indignant.
"Oh, no," says I. "I should say you"d been using a funnel."
"Tha"s--tha"s because you have "spischus nashur"," protests Ernie.
"Merely few gla.s.shes. You know--bubblesh in stem."
"Champagne, eh?" says I. "Then it was a reg"lar party? Ernie, I am surprised at you."
"You--you ain"t half so shurprised as--as I am myshelf," says he, chucklin". "Tha"s what I told Louishe."
"Oh, you mentioned it to Louise, did you?" says I. "I expect that was the lovely lady who carted you off in the taxi?"
He nods and springs another one of them silly smiles. "Tha"s ri"," says he. "The lovely Louishe."
"Tell me, Ernie," says I, "how long has this been going on?"
And what do you suppose this fathead has the front to spring on me? That this was the first time he"d ever seen her. Uh-huh! He sticks to that tale. Even claims he don"t know what the rest of her name is.
"Louishe, tha"s all," says he. "Th" lovely Louishe."
"Oh, very well," says I. "We"ll let it ride at that. And I expect she picked you out all on account of your compelling beauty? Must have been a sudden case, from the fond clinch I saw you gettin" as the cab started."
Ernie closed his eyes slow, like he was goin" over the scene again, and then remarks: "Thash when I begun to be surprished. Louishe has most affec-shanate nashur."
"So it would seem," says I. "But where did the party take place?"