"Yo, Lowry. You doin" okay, man? You didn"t return my calls."
"Dude, where you been all summer?" came the chorus of voices as people spotted Trevor. Everyone was working extra hard to avoid the tragedy. I was sure everything had been said over and over again at the service anyway. The whole school would have been there because everyone loved Olivera"he was like that. Some kind of golden boy who mesmerized the lot of us. Even Cari and I"d talked about him being the perfect boyfriend, doodled his name next to ours. We"d never talked about Trevor. Knowing him now, it was hard to believe that I hadn"t been aware of Trevor, hadn"t loved him before. If it wasn"t for Oliver, I might not have ever come in contact with him. A chill ran up my spine.
The voices that filled the hall smashed into me like an air bag. If Trevor wasn"t popular before, he was certainly in the limelight now. With his brother"s death he was now a quasi-public figure. Apparently, no one had noticed me yet. Who would suspect? A bitter laugh bubbled up from deep inside, but I clenched my teeth, restraining it.
I heard the moment when Trevor moved just enough that I became visible. Underneath the shout-outs to Trevor, there"d been a huma"the static of voices, one indistinguishable from the next. In a domino effect, one person after another fell silent, leaving a black hole of sound for us to fall into. I could smell the freshly painted lockers and the newly waxed floors, but in reality it isn"t always so easy to clean up the past.
I felt the burning stares, despite the fact that Trevor was trying to physically block me from prying eyes. I managed to get the locker open with trembling fingers and stow my sweater inside. I grabbed a notebook and pen and, after shoving my bag on the floor, continued to stand with my back to the crowd. The smell of mystery meat was already wafting out from the cafeteria and my stomach rolled.
"It"s all right," Trevor whispered into my ear. "You can turn around. They"re just surprised, but once everyone sees that I want you here, that I need you here, it will be okay. Elliot . . ." He leaned even closer. "We all make mistakes, don"t we? You know my mistakes."
He meant it to be rea.s.suring. It wasn"t working. The stares were picking off chunks of my soul.
"The only difference," I whispered back to Trevor, "is that they don"t know what your mistakes are. And even if they did, they would still blame me." My voice was on edge. There was nothing else to say and my cla.s.smates weren"t going away, so I turned around.
Everyone was frozen, unreadable. It was as if time had stopped.
Then, like the flip of a switch, the hum clicked back into place, becoming louder and louder with every beat. The frozen faces thawed into various stages of shock and disgust. I would have turned and run if Trevor wasn"t holding on to me.
His voice was cautious. "Hey, everyone, you remember Elliot Turner?" His words sucked all the noise back out of the school again. Trevor tried vainly to fill the empty s.p.a.ce.
"Wea"I havea"it"s hard to explain but things are all right between us. It"sa"well, I know it seems strange, but we"re friends. We"ve talked. It was an accident." He looked at me with a stiff smile plastered to his face. This wasn"t as easy as he"d thought it was going to be.
The warning bell rang.
24.
already
gone
Like a Secret Service agent, Trevor reacted quickly and hustled me past the shocked crowd. He didn"t give anyone time to respond to what he"d said. Before I could get my bearings, he had me tucked into a seat in my homeroom. People trickled in after us but no one said anything to me. I knew this was disconcerting for everyonea"the unwritten rules for hating and judging are pretty clear in high school, and Trevor had just broken a whole bunch of social norms.
I remembered that Cari Taylor, best friend missing in action, would be walking through that door any minute. Alphabetically we always ended up in the same homeroom. Suspecting that someone you love hates you is difficult, but confirmation of it seemed unbearable. I thumbed through the blank pages of my notebook, staring at the empty sheets. Trevor had found a way to love me and he hadn"t even known me. The people who know you shoulda"
Trevor interrupted my thoughts. "Bell"s gonna ring. Maybe I should just stay here with you?" He scanned the silent room. It seemed as if he would growl at anyone who got too close. Everyone was suspiciously busy, magnetically drawn to anything other than Trevor, but they wanted to peek. I could smell the ugly desire like a stench that hung in the room.
That"s when I saw Cari. She was standing in the doorway, face unreadable.
Despite it alla"I wanted. I wanted her and I couldn"t stop.
No matter what, I couldn"t help holding the door to possibility open a crack. If our friendship had died a different death, it might"ve hurt just as much as it did now, but I"d get over it eventually. After everything that had happened, I knew that this was going to break me. It was the wrong piece pulled out of my house of cards.
Witnessing this pathetic version of myself, I shuddered and thought about Julia, a much bigger loss than this twit that I"d called my best friend. Even hating Julia, I could see that what we had was so much stronger than this sham of a friendship. But the old me didn"t have a Julia to compare and contrast. She didn"t know about the lives and afterlives we"d spent together. Regardless, the death of a friendship hurts. The death of anything just sucks. All of it breaks you and scars you; it"s indiscriminant. There is no easy way to watch something you love die.
"Elliot, do you want me to stay?" Trevor repeated.
Forever, I whispered to myself.
Looking at him I was filled with love. If it eased him, I could pretend I was standing fearlessly on the mountain. I plastered on a mask of confidence. These wheels were already in motion. There was nothing he could do here.
"I"m fine, Trevor. Cari is just coming in now and you don"t want to miss your first homeroom." I nodded in the direction of the door.
I watched Trevor search Cari"s face for some indication of friend or foe, but she remained blank.
"All right," Trevor said, still examining her carefully while talking to me. "I"ll meet you here after first period."
I watched him just as carefully as he dashed out the door.
Seeing him disappear, I knew instantly that I was alone. The last wisp of hope had fled the room. Then Cari sat down in front of me, continuing to pretend that I was already dead.
a a a The bell rang, surprising me. I hadn"t realized that the cla.s.s had even started, let alone ended. I glanced up and there was Trevor.
He hugged me tight. I didn"t bother to look around to see what everyone was thinking. I already knew it wouldn"t be good.
"Come on, I"ll walk you to your next cla.s.s."
The trek down the hall was peppered with h.e.l.los directed at Trevor, but I didn"t think he realized that I wasn"t included in them. I didn"t blame him for not really seeing it. This was at least better than that frozen silence we"d experienced this morning. Near the cafeteria there was a memorial display for Oliver in the gla.s.s trophy case. Trevor"s grip tightened as we walked by it. I kept my head down and let him lead wherever it was that he thought I might belong.
"Okay, second period." He spewed forced cheerfulness.
I laid my palm on his cheek, just wanting to be close. It would be a relief to get lost in him. He leaned down at the same moment that I broke away from his gaze. I felt his lips press gently onto the top of my head before he headed off to cla.s.s. I was relieved that he hadn"t heard the hiss of disapproval that cut through the air behind me.
a a a I stumbled into second period and saw faces filled with hatred. I couldn"t go in. It was easy to turn and leave. What did it matter? Unable to sit there and wait to be sentenced, I changed directions and walked away from my jury. I gave a sigh of relief.
I moved directly to my locker and turned my back to the rest of the world. Fingers shaking uncontrollably, I twirled the combination. Three tries later, it still wouldn"t open. It was too much. Did they think I"d killed him on purpose? My fist beat against the door of the locker. I sank to my knees, tears pouring silently down onto the floor.
"Elliot?"
A familiar voice was calling my name.
I wanted.
I wanted her to love me and I couldn"t stop.
I whipped my head around, more of me crumbling to pieces. If bits of me kept breaking off and blowing away there"d be nothing left. Maybe then it wouldn"t hurt anymore.
Standing a few feet away from me was Cari, and she was flanked by the ma.s.ses.
"What did you do to him?" There was no denying the accusation in her voice. It dripped with disgust. Was she right or was she righteous?
I could feel the explosiona"her words rubbing an already raw place. The barrier holding it all in became too thin. I could no longer contain it.
"I killed him! Is that what you want to hear me say?" The moan ripped out of me, breaking off another piece of my soul and carrying it away.
"I know what you did to Oliver." Cari spat out the words.
She said it like she"d known him, not just known of him. She"d never linked arms with him or grasped his warm, safe hand. She"d never sat and talked with him about how the meaning of life could be found in Yoda"s words of wisdom, while at the same time fighting over the cheesiest nachos on the plate. Every living and dead piece of my soul was wrenching itself apart.
"I want to know what you did to Trevor," Cari said. She jutted her head forward, but it wasn"t curiosity, it was a malevolent gesture. "Seems like you"re bent on destroying the whole Lowry family in one fell swoop."
I couldn"t contain the gasp of pain. It was as physical as if she"d kicked me in the stomach. Cari towered over me, as I lay crumpled and broken on the floor, clutching the place where I imagined I used to have a heart.
She shook her head, making her black bob swing back and forth, sharp as a knife. Something was being permanently severed.
My voice was quiet. "We used to be best friends."
I wanted.
I wanted her to love me and I couldn"t stop the realization that she"d never really loved me at all.
I got to my feet and felt a twinge of pride when I realized my back didn"t have to be to the wall anymore. I could afford to be reckless. It was easy to be dangerous when there was nothing to lose. I now knew that it didn"t matter if Trevor and I found a way to get past our own private disaster. No one was going to allow him to forgive me.
It was out of my control. Everyone had a role to play and Trevor"s role was victim. Mine was the role of the villain. Everything was white and black, with no room for gray.
Like a lightning strike, the moment was illuminated. Trevor loving me was real but that didn"t mean it could ever be more than an illusion.
Cari, done with her glaring, turned to stalk off, a master showman in front of the crowd. It had always been her way, I"d just never chosen to see it.
"Cari." My voice was strong, dangerous. I didn"t recognize it, but I liked it.
She whipped around in irritation, her dramatic exit interrupted. I stood straight and took a step in her direction. She wasn"t expecting this from me and took a quick step back, perhaps unwilling to be cut by the ragged edges of my broken soul.
"Cari, you are nothing but surface."
I pushed my way past the silent crowd and out the fire exit door, into the rain. I walked slowly with my head up high until I hit the cover of the tree line where no one could see me crumple from the effort. Hunched over in brokenhearted pain, I climbed, heading for the mountain.
a a a Ding-ding. Delve over. Thank goodnessa"I"d seen enough. And it was plenty to convince me that I didn"t need to see any more. It felt like an eternity, but my fist finally connected with Trevor"s face. How dare he make me the prize in his compet.i.tion with Oliver? A kiss was supposed to mean something.
The satisfaction of landing the punch quickly dissolved into a shock of pain that radiated up my arm.
"What the h.e.l.l was that for?" Trevor growled at me while walking in circles and holding his jaw in his hand.
"Oh, just heal yourself and shut up!" I shouted. All the pent-up emotion from the back-to-back Delves was releasing itself. My hand hurt. My pride hurt. My heart even hurt. I wasn"t going to cry, so I turned my back to him instead.
"Unbelievable!" he bellowed. "Aren"t I the one who just got decked? Remind me not to try to kiss you again." He stalked over to the edge of the cliff, where he knew I would be unwilling to follow.
"You didn"t really want to kiss me anyway," I shot back over my shoulder.
"How do you know what I wanted to do?"
"You said you only wanted what Oliver had and I know I haven"t been going around kissing Oliver." My hand was feeling better so I pointed a finger at him for emphasis.
"That"s not what I said. I made a very simple observation about Oliver always getting the things that I want the most." His gaze ate a hole right through me.
I walked toward him like a magnet. I couldn"t help myself.
"Just because I fell in love with you in my last life doesn"t mean that I want to fall in love with you in the afterlife, Trevor Lowry." I stuck out my lower lip but it trembled.
"I didn"t say anything about falling in love. I said I wanted to kiss you." Before I could fashion a reply, his lips softly brushed against the side of my neck just below my ear and disappeared again as quickly as they"d come. I didn"t give a hoot at that moment what the reason for that b.u.t.terfly kiss had been. All I knew was that it had turned me inside out. I stepped up on tiptoe, with the intent of returning that soft little shiver of a kiss to its owner. I wanted to see if I could crack some of his icy control, but the minute my lips touched his I could barely remember my own name. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, needing them there to hold me up. Trevor had become my heartbeat. I felt his fingers clasp the back of my head and I tried to pull him closer.
Breathing raggedly, Trevor wrenched himself away, and suddenly I was lifted off my feet and deposited an arm"s length away.
"G.o.d, Elliot, what are you trying to do?"
I blushed and ducked behind my hair. Plenty of it to hide behind, it was all over the place from Trevor"s fingers.
"Look at me," Trevor said.
I lifted my head. Unable to read his face, I immediately lowered my gaze to see what the billboard on his chest was saying, but it was dark also.
"Lower, Elliot."
My eyes dropped down and I gasped out loud. Trevor"s feet were about an inch from the edge of the overhang.
"I almost killed you."
"I"m already dead," Trevor said, his sarcasm amped up a notch. "Just unwilling to take the plunge."
Overrun by emotion, I sat down on the ground right where I"d been standing and began to sob.
It only took a minute for him to sit next to me and scoop me into his lap. He must have known I couldn"t have stopped crying if I wanted to. He just held me until I was exhausted.
"Your shirt"s all wet," I said, leaning back to see the damage I"d done. Trevor"s shirt had a new slogan on it: BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE.
I could feel myself reverting from warm and open Elliot, to the more familiar p.r.i.c.kly defensive one.
"What are you saying?" I snipped, touching my finger to my lips. I"d thought the kiss had been pretty good.
"You"re so easy to read," Trevor said.
"What"s that supposed to mean?"