"I think Oliver"s been the key, not me. The golden boy just has that effect on people."
"No denying it, Oliver has been a gift to him, but without you, it never would have happened. You figured out that David"s ugliness was just a manifestation of his pain." Mel reached over and squeezed my hand.
"It was the most obvious thing I"ve ever figured out. I don"t know why it took me so long to understand."
"You figured it out before me," Mel said, releasing my hand and smoothing out her skirt.
"At least you"ve always been kind. My behavior was ugly and mean."
"I"ve been kind because it benefited me. It was my crutch."
"What"s wrong with that? Kindness is good no matter how you arrive at it."
"I don"t think you"re wrong, but my helpfulness here at the Obmil was a kind of selfishness. I had motives for my actions."
"Can you tell me?" I asked again.
"No."
It was hard to keep the hurt from my voice. "Why not? I"ve shared everything with you. You can trust me."
"I know I can trust you, Elliot. It"s not that at all."
"Then why won"t you tell me?"
"I just don"t know the answer. I"ve never Delved. I have no idea why I"m here, what I"m avoiding."
The wide wood floor planks creaked. Our rocking chairs were no longer in perfect synchronicity. I stared out over the calm water, feeling my heart sink. So it was for sure. Mel and Freddie would not be leaving the Obmil with Trevor, Oliver, and me today. I had been hoping that Mel would secretly be ready to walk away from here.
"I"m going to do it. After you kids leave, I"m going to start Delving. I"m finally going to engage with my past. I"ll get Freddie out of here."
I could see she meant her words but there was a tinge of something else in her face that made me wonder.
"Listen, I"ll go tell Trevor that we"re going to delay our exit. We can stay while you Delve and help get you through it, and then we can all take off together. The pull hasn"t been that bad up until now."
Mel shook her head, tucking wild curls out of the way as she did so.
"Elliot, please don"t take this the wrong way, but I don"t want you here."
It was like a fist to the gut.
"Oh, don"t look at me like that. I can"t do it, sweetie. I can"t have another soul held up because I"ve been incapacitated by my own fears."
I started to protest, to say how much I didn"t mind, but Mel put up her finger to stop me.
"It"s more than that. I have to do this by myself. I need to start fresh. I"m going to disappear for a little bit, so that I can reinvent myself. When I get back, the people who thought of me as a guide will have moved on. I"ll be free to come back here as a Third Timer. A real Third Timer, ready to engage in what I"ve avoided for so long."
I understood it perfectly, but the idea of it seemed to burn me from the inside out.
"When will I see you again?" I choked out. "I don"t want to lose you." The tears came freely now.
"My sweet girl, you can"t lose me. That is the one thing I am sure of. I know that my love for you can and will travel through time and s.p.a.ce."
"Are you sure you don"t want me to stay?"
"I want you to stay. I need you to leave."
I nodded.
"Besides, you"ll still be with mea"just like you"ll still have your necklacea"even when you can"t hold it in your hand. You know, I gave you that shortly before you exited the Obmil as a First Timer."
I grabbed for the charm and tried to mask my surprise. I"d been too preoccupied with other things to figure out that mystery.
"It"s all right." Mel snorted. "Trevor was a distraction."
"I was a what?" He was close behind me. Knowing he was there sent a shiver up my spine.
"None of your business, Lowry," I said, giving him a playful swat.
"Everything about you is my business, Turner."
I blushed twice, knowing Mel had heard.
"I"m going to check on Freddie," she answered. "Someone has to do an intervention. If he gives Oliver another tool to pack, you"ll need to be towed out of the Obmil."
I felt my heart tighten, knowing I was going to be leaving someone else I loved behind.
"I"ll see you kids in a little bit," Mel said as she walked lightly across the porch and out into the sun. Her hair glowed with the same vibrancy as the autumn leaves.
I stood and Trevor wrapped me in a big bear hug.
"It"ll be okay."
"How do you know?" My words were m.u.f.fled in his shirt.
"I know because that"s what you taught me."
"Me?" I pulled my head back. I couldn"t believe I used to despise him.
He kissed the top of my head. "If you could just see yourself you"d understand."
I wanted more tangible proof but I knew he wouldn"t give it to me.
"We could stay?" he offered.
"No, we can"t," I said, knowing that Julia and Mel had been right all along. For the first time, a small thrill of antic.i.p.ation washed over me. I had no idea what was out there, no one here did, but it didn"t matter. I was acting on faith, and for the first time, it wasn"t faith in some unknown ent.i.ty, it was faith in myself. I could almost feel my inner compa.s.s stop spinning wildly and start pointing to my true north. I had grown, and much to my surprise, I was really starting to like this new me.
Trevor cleared his throat and I glanced up at him again. He hesitated, seeming as if he had something to ask.
"What?"
He fiddled around with the belt loop on his jeans.
"After all we"ve been through together, now you get shy?" I grabbed the loop and pulled him closer.
"Do you remember that Delve when you had picked Oliver instead of me to be your Pa.s.senger?"
I was unsure of what he wanted to know.
His face was serious. "Why do you think you didn"t pick me? I would have given everything to you too."
I opened my mouth and closed it again. It sounded so superficial to say that one look from him made my pulse race, and I was gambling that I might have more of that.
"I know it"s stupid to ask. I was just wondering why I came up shorta"compared to Oliver."
He was breaking my heart.
I hugged him tight and whispered, "Maybe you can"t kiss a Pa.s.senger?"
"But you did kiss him."
"Not for very long . . ."
I could feel him relax, melt into me.
"Then I"m not signing up to be your Pa.s.senger in our next life either," he said, his lips catching mine.
a a a We walked slowly over to the truck. Mel was hugging Oliver, and David had started helping Freddie with the vehicle maintenance. It was bittersweet seeing them like this. I walked up to Freddie and grabbed him around the middle, not even trying to come up with the words. I inhaled his mix of root beer and motor oil that was so oddly comforting.
"Well, I"ll be." Freddie spoke with a mixture of awe and authority.
He was staring off across the lake. I turned, following his gaze. A lone eagle circled the exact spot where I had exited the water as a new Third Timer. It seemed like an eternity ago. It was hard to recall the girl I"d been back then. I wondered if I appeared as different on the outside as I felt on the inside.
"She"s beautiful," I whispered.
"Yes, she is."
I felt his broad fingers brush the top of my head.
a a a We piled into the truck. I was wedged between the Lowry boys. Trevor"s hand lay across the back of the seat and I felt his arm resting against my neck. I peered out the window and was. .h.i.t by a wave of panic.
"What if I mess it up again?" I asked.
"What if you can"t mess it up?" Mel said through the window.
"What if I can"t remember that I can"t mess it up? Which means that I"m completely capable of messing up something that"s unable to be messed up." The corners of my mouth crept up. It sounded dumb even to me.
"It"s just your nerves talking. The unknown is scary for everyone. Why do you think I"ve stayed here so long?"
I nodded. The unknown was disconcerting; I didn"t even know how we"d leave the Obmil. Most souls avoid their fear of the unknown by wrapping it in the familiar. They exit the Obmil the same way they came in.
I"d thought about it, but too much had happened in that water. I wanted a clean break. It wouldn"t have mattered anyway. Trevor and Oliver had outvoted me. It seemed that they both had a pa.s.sion for the road. Neither one of them was giving up their relationship with Sally until they were forced to. My consolation prize was supreme authority over the radio.
Mel leaned in, stretching over Oliver and moving her head close to mine. I thought she was going to whisper something in my ear, but she reached around my neck, unhooking the necklace she had once given me. Stepping back, she smiled and gently dropped the charm, followed by the spirals of chain, into her palm.
I wanted to ask why, but Trevor had shifted the truck into gear and we began to roll across the crunching gravel drive. Maybe she needed the necklace more than me now. Maybe she was trying to tell me that I was ready to fly on my own. Maybe, as I kept being reminded, it didn"t matter either way. I watched her in the side-view mirror until the trees ate up the manicured lawn.
The three of us b.u.mped along in silence for several minutes.
I reached over and pushed the b.u.t.ton on the radio. The sounds of Annie Lennox filled the cab.
"My my where do I go?
My my what do I know?
My my we reap what we sow.
They always said that you knew best, But this little bird"s fallen out of that nest now.
I"ve got a feeling that it might have been blessed, So I"ve just got to put these wings to test."
Trevor looked at me and winked, while Oliver stuck his head out the window like a big yellow dog. I watched the road up ahead, creating itself as we drove forward. A quick peek over my shoulder confirmed that it ceased to exist once we"d moved on.
"So, where we going?" Oliver was bouncy with antic.i.p.ation.
I wanted to say something profound, worthy of this big step we were taking, but I couldn"t put the feeling of serenity, antic.i.p.ation, and fear together coherently.
I turned to Trevor for support and nearly choked when I saw his T-shirt slogan. GOING NOWHERE FAST!
"Really?" I asked.
"You never know," he said, full of mischief.
"You never know," I repeated, knowing there was truth behind his playfulness. I leaned my head back to rest on Trevor"s arm. The breeze from the open windows washed over me. "I don"t think it really matters where we go, I think it"s just important to go."
"Together," added Trevor.
"Together," repeated Oliver.
I didn"t say it aloud, but the words "you never know" still lingered on the surface of my thoughts. . . .
acknowledgments.