I was unprepared for Trevor"s next words and the shock on my face showed it.
"I"m just as much to blame for Oliver"s death as you are."
16.
the things we don"t see.
My mind was swimming as I pulled my head up off the floor. My fingers b.u.mped into someone close by. I rolled over onto my stomach, meeting Oliver eye-to-eye on the floor. He had a smudge on the tip of his nose, perhaps from working with Freddie. I reached out to brush away the imperfection and then changed my mind at the last minute. He was almost too beautiful. The streak of dirt grounded him, made his connection to me much easier to believe. My hand was still stalled in front of his nose, so Oliver threaded his fingers through mine, connecting us.
"Keeping watch?"
"Haven"t seen you all day. I missed you." He brushed back a lock of hair that was hanging over my eye.
Like a child waking up from a deep sleep, I remembered where I was and who was in the room. Oliver steadied me by the elbow on my way to my feet. The first person I saw was Mel. There were worry lines etched on her forehead and it made me uncomfortable. I wrenched my neck toward the Delving chair, but Trevor was gone.
"Elliot?" I turned around. Julia was standing behind me, nibbling on an apple. I"d forgotten she was there. Everything had fallen out of my head except Oliver and Trevor. Julia hitched her thumb toward the door. "He ran out right after the Delve."
"Seems he"s pretty good at storming off." Oliver said it like it was a casual observation, but his right eye twitched ever so slightly.
"He"s mad at me. I hurt his feelings earlier this morning. We"d been Delving." I sounded guilty, as if we"d spent the whole time doing something illicit. I felt bad saying it in front of Oliver, but then I thought of Julia entangled in Trevor"s arms and felt a little thrill to hear her soft intake of breath.
"We were sitting around waiting," Oliver said. "Lily had already come out of her Delve by the time Trevor and Julia got here."
Color infused my cheeks. I hadn"t been present for one of Lily"s Delves yet. Talk about being self-centered. I bit my lip and looked at Lily. "Sorry."
"It"s okay." She gave a little nod of her head and I was floored by how gracious she was. It was hard to believe that someone like her would be a Third Timer, lumped in with a screwup like me.
I focused on Julia. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
Julia had demolished her apple and moved on to a chunk of cheddar cheese. She swallowed. "Oh, David had a scheduling conflict. He canceled our Workshop, and when I ran into Trevor in the hall, he asked me to join him."
I searched for signs that his fingers had been threaded through her hair again, but who could tell with her helter-skelter curls? I was inundated with dark feelings.
Mel jumped in. "We were delighted to have you join us today, Julia." She hugged her around the shoulders, practically lifting Julia off her feet.
Julia gave me a shy smile and kept nibbling. I didn"t understand her intentions. I smiled back anyway. It was an automatic response to her sunshine. She was like Tinkerbell with a tapeworm. I wasn"t hungry for food; I just wanted things to be the way they"d always been between us. Then I really thought about why she was in this Workshop. "Maybe you"re delighted, but I"m not." I said it to Mel but glared at Julia.
"Buta"but you said you wanted me in Workshop with you."
"You didn"t show up for me."
"Maybe she did," Oliver said.
Oh, no. I couldn"t believe it. Now he was taking her side. What did she have? A freaking magic wand? "Maybe you"re being a little naive," I fired off at Oliver, sick and tired of this whole gallant knight thing that was going on. Oliver looked stunned. I reached for him, thinking to explain myself, but before my fingers could find their target . . .
a a a We were in a dance studio. Julia"s Delve. I could see her warming up in the mirror. She was sitting on the floor, stretching her limbs like a contortionist. She wore mismatched leg warmers that added bulk to her legs and a wraparound sweater over her outfit. Her usual mop of curls was piled into a pom-pom at the top of her head. Watching her, it didn"t surprise me that she was a dancer. Now that I thought about it, she was always gliding from one place to another, silent and graceful. I drank in the sight of her as she twisted and moved her muscles. I"d been curious as to what her life was likea"without me.
"I"ve got a great idea!"
Who? I wanted to look around but of course I couldn"t. Julia"s nose was resting into her toes and she wasn"t looking up, so I had no idea who was talking. Complete frustration.
"You came up with a possible song?" Julia said, her voice m.u.f.fled in her fuzzy leg warmers.
"No . . . I came up with the perfect song." Julia"s head shot up. Through the mirror, she connected with a girl who was visually her polar opposite. The girl was dark haired with olive skin, but it wasn"t just that. She had curves. Voluptuous was the word that came to mind. It was funny because I might not have thought that if I"d seen her walking down the street, but as a dancer, she was unusual.
"Come on, Becks." Julia stopped stretching and hopped to her feet. I could see them both now, as they stood shoulder to shoulder in the mirrored wall.
"I don"t know why I didn"t think of this before. It"s so perfect for us." Becks bounced up and down on her toes. Julia whirled around to face her.
"Just tell me!" She grabbed Becks by the shoulders and pretended to shake her. "Please, tell me."
"Well . . ." Becks teased. You could tell she enjoyed the suspense.
"Becca!" Julia said.
Becks scowled and looked like she couldn"t decide whether to be p.i.s.sed or to cry. She sucked in a deep breath. "I"ll tella"just promise not to call me that." She shivered. "You know how I hate it."
"And you know how I hate it when you keep me dangling." Julia"s whine was interrupted by Becks"s giggle.
Know what I hated? I loathed the fact that they were friends. That should have been me. Would have been me, if things hadn"t gotten so screwed up at the Basin.
Becks grabbed Julia"s hands and they plopped down on the floor. She flashed Julia a high-wattage smile. "It"s the perfect songa"not overdone like the one we talked about. The other one is funnier, but in this one they"re still best friends, just like us."
My stomach lurched and I didn"t know if it was from watching them be so familiar and close with each other, or if it had to do with the sudden shift in the Delve. Time flying forward like the fanning of pages.
Whoa . . .
One minute I was watching the face of BFF-stealer Becks and the next minute I was kissing some guy. Onlya"too weirda"because it wasn"t my Delve, I couldn"t pick up on any of the emotion or physically feel what was going on. I was in the dark, stuck and smashed up against some guy.
Julia"s eyes were closed so I couldn"t even see the guy she was sucking face with. For all I knew, he wasn"t even cute and had bad breath. I decided I needed to do something like count sheep to distract myselfa"G.o.d knows how long this was going to go on. Then I imagined how much worse it must be for Oliver to be in this Delve and couldn"t stop myself from laughing. If only Trevor were still around.
It all happened at once. There was a loud gasp. Julia"s eyes flew open. She was angled just enough that she could see the person who made the noise. It was Becksa"her face falling like an avalanche. She was the picture of devastation, and then she was gone. Julia flew after her, boy forgotten.
"Becks, it"s not what you think . . ."
a a a I cleared my throat. "That"s funny, it seemed exactly like what Becks thought it was." I couldn"t help it. "You have a way of making your best friends feel really good about themselves." I narrowed my eyes at Julia. Now Oliver had his arm around her.
Oliver shook his head at me, while Julia just appeared horrified. I wanted to be more compa.s.sionate, I dida"but really, Julia was the one being mean to me. She was the one who"d cut me out of her life.
"Oliver, can you walk Julia over there?" Mel waggled her finger in the direction of her desk. "Have her sit down and get her a drink of water."
"Sure," Oliver said, gently holding Julia up. He turned to look at me, his jaw clenched tight. "You want to help me?" I wasn"t falling for that Jedi mind trick. I glared at him. The sensation of being misunderstood was bubbling up and threatening to choke me.
Before I could say anything, Mel shooed Oliver forward. "I need to speak with Elliot. We"ll be over in a minute."
Mel turned to me. Her voice was soft and private. "You can"t blame them too much. It"s not their fault they"re unable to see what"s going on inside your head. I know how confused you are. First Julia doesn"t treat you the way you expected and then Oliver shows up and smothers you with unconditional love. Then to add to the confusion, there"s that connection between you and Trevor. No wonder you"re fl.u.s.tered."
"I think you"re confused, Mel. I don"t have a connection with that a.s.sholea"" Mel threw up her hands but I kept going. "It"s Julia and Trevor who are connected." Connected at the lips.
"I agree, they do have a link too, but you and Trevor seem bound and determined to be together."
"What?" I said it so loud that the whole room halted midsentence and turned to stare at me. I backed up, definitely not making eye contact with Trevor"s girlfriend. I zeroed in on Mel.
"What"s that supposed to mean? I don"t want toa"ewwww!" I spat out the last part, daring her to contradict me.
"Oh, don"t get your panties in a twist," Mel said. She waved me off, which turned my mood extra sour.
"It"s not funny."
"I understand. I apologize. Let me clarify. What I meant was that both of your souls are pulling you together. It"s as if you need each other to figure out what"s going on and understand how to move forward. It seems to me, the more you try to avoid each other, the more entangled your paths become. Right?"
I didn"t want to admit it, but it was true. And I really wondered what he had meant in his last Delve, when he announced that he was to blame for Oliver"s death.
"You don"t always have to be so hard on yourself," Mel said gently. "Everything is simply about choices . . ."
Just like Freddie had said.
Screw it.
Everyone was conspiring to make me crazy.
"In that case"a"I turned my back on the rooma""I choose to get the h.e.l.l out of here." I stalked off, exiting the building, but came up shorta"I had no idea where the h.e.l.l I wanted to go. Needing to move, I started out toward Trevor"s pond. After working up a sweat, I changed my mind about going there. That hadn"t really worked out so well. Instead I decided it would be better to just go back to my nest. Backtracking, I was about halfway down the hill when I heard the sharp snap of a branch breaking behind me. I whirled around, but I could barely see a thing. I couldn"t believe that I hadn"t noticed the eerily quiet forest all around me before now. Fog twisted heavily around the trunks of the trees. It draped over the lowest branches of the cool evergreens.
I"d never run across such a place at the Obmil before, so I peered out into the mist to discover whose creation I"d stumbled upon. As I strained to see, a warm light seemed to break up the fog. The harder I looked, the brighter the light became.
This was my creation.
It was a little unnerving to be reminded how my subconscious operated without me. If this reflected my personal level of clarity, I wasn"t getting out of the Obmil any time soon.
There was another noise. I turned toward it. Before I could decipher the sound, Oliver broke through the mist and stopped short in front of me. The expression on his face looked just like that girl Becks, when she"d caught Julia kissing someone important. It was a patchwork of hurt and disappointment, sewn together with shock.
I suddenly felt unbalanced, like I"d made a misstep and should realize it, but I couldn"t quite figure it out. I"d never seen him like this.
"What"s the matter? Are you okay?"
"What the h.e.l.l was that back there?" Oliver was literally giving off sparks.
"What?" Oliver angry? My mind was spinning.
"You. At Workshop."
Understanding unraveled from the inside out. He"d wanted me to help him with Julia. He was such a good guy and he expected me to be like him. Compa.s.sionate. "Hey, she"s the one who"s always pushing me away." I sniffed and swallowed at the lump in my throat. "But anyway, I"m sorry. You"re sweet and kind and I know I really should try to be a bigger person." I shoved my hands in my pockets, not knowing what else to do with myself.
"You"re jealous." Oliver"s voice had a bit of an edge to it and it took me up short.
"Jealous?"
"Of Trevor and Julia. After everything I"ve done for you. You want him."
"What?" I asked, but a panic was building inside my chest. I knew who he was talking about and thinking about it made me afraid. It seemed like I was a magnet for troublea"p.r.o.ne to thinking asinine things. Oliver was standing in front of me, once again wearing his heart on his sleeve, and I"d just taken it for granted. Instead of appreciating the love I had, I couldn"t stop myself from thinking about someone who didn"t make me feel safe and comfortablea"how stupid was that? I could see it clearly. I"d hurt him and, even worse, I hadn"t even thought of him in the moment I was having my Trevor rant. Seeing the look of betrayal etched across his features felt as bad as the moment I realized I"d killed him.
Apathy and self-absorption should have been a smaller wound than manslaughter, but in some ways, it cut deeper.
"I"m sorry, I wasn"t thinking." I started to cry, a sick feeling in my stomach.
"I gave up everything to be here for you. Why do you need more?" Appearing exhausted, he sat down. "I"m supposed to be helping you find your way, and unbelievably, hanging out with you makes me feel lost and in need of intervention."
I"d made things even worse. I should"ve paid more attention. I"d been lost in my own thoughts and I"d dragged Oliver right along into the abyss with me.
"Can I walk home with you?" I pleaded, wanting a way to make us both feel better.
It stung, watching him flinch at my approach, but he allowed me to pull him off of the carpet of pine needles. As soon as he was on his feet, he let my fingers fall away.
Neither one of us made a sound as we traveled through the woods, scattering the mist that had become more ominous as we both wandered around in our own thoughts.
I was hoping we could talk once we reached the Haven. I didn"t want to leave things like this. But Oliver said he"d promised to meet Mel at her room. I followed him there, not wanting to let him out of my sight until things were back to normal between us.
I twisted Mel"s art deco silver doork.n.o.b and pushed against the heavy dark wood with my shoulder. When the door gave way, I was surprised to see Mel already inside, sitting on her forest-green chenille overstuffed couch. Her feet were tucked up underneath her and she cradled a hot mug of peppermint tea. The steam rising from the hand-thrown pottery mirrored my damp, swirling thoughts. I could feel the heat of shame as if I were the one holding the mug.
Mel met my eyes. Hers were steady but not twinkling like I was used to.
"Elliot, I"m glad Oliver was able to catch up with you. I was concerned."
She appeared both sad and angry at the same time. Was she judging me? She never judged me. She was my constant, my safe place to be.
I wanted to scream at both of them that I was sorry. To explain how I hadn"t meant to be cruel, I"d just been distracted with my own trauma. No words could get past the lump in my throat that threatened to gag me.
Standing there completely incapacitated, I felt Oliver b.u.mp past me. There they were, my two unconditional loves, and they appeared anything but. I wanted to beg them to love me again, but I didn"t have the heart to hear them reject me out loud. I started to follow Oliver into Mel"s room, but he began to close the door. He was no longer my safe place to fall. When I looked at him through the narrowing s.p.a.ce, what stared back at me was Trevor"s Oliver. The guy who lets you know that he disapproves of something you"d done.
I reached out my hand, begging for a lifeline. His hands never left his sides.
There were a million questions I needed to ask him, even more things I wanted to tell him, but I"d lost the right. I could"ve asked him anything up until then. So why hadn"t I? I rubbed my temples. It wasn"t an option now anyway.
Still, the questions must have been written on my face. Oliver"s usual sunshine sank into the shadows, as if a dark, ugly thought was enveloping him. The moment he opened his mouth to speak, I knew I wasn"t ready to hear what he had to say.
17.