Transition And Restart

It was broken

The sound of two swings in the dark was the only thing that broke the silence . One of them ceased its rhythmic squeak and regressed into a jumble of dissonance as its rider jumped off and scampered up a jungle gym .

The other swing continued though . A listless sound too loud for silence but still too silent to be someone really riding the swing .

Ulf sat the swing, and Yukio had climbed the jungle gym like some monkey .

"Proud now?" Yukio said .

Ulf could hear the despair in his voice . "Funny that, why should you feel despair?" Of Valentine there was only minutes left . Ulf ate his chocolate . It was dark and bitter, just as Christina had promised . "An espresso would beef up the taste another notch . "

"Urufu? Why, just why did you let it go this far?"

That voice again, like a hurt kid . "Make that a double espresso . " He had gotten used to that taste again . "A cigarette even, but those are banned for teenagers like me these days . " So no smoking . "It"s a filthy habit anyway . "

"Man, you know you could get back to her and apologize . "

And Yukio just kept on whining . "Sure would have tasted well though . " Back in the days he could have had a smoke . Could even have chatted with his high school teachers about the pros and cons between different brands of tobacco . Back when he knew nothing .

"If you beg her like the d.a.m.n dog you are, she might just reconsider . "

Despite his absurd suggestions Yukio was still his best friend . "It"s just a piece of chocolate . No big deal, Yukio . " Valentine wasn"t even an event back then . Still wasn"t in Sweden . "Stupid event . Why keep the male part of the student body on their toes in antic.i.p.ation of chocolate?"

"Man, she"s the best thing that"s happened in your life here . You said so yourself . "

It was great that Yukio had at least identified when a girl was good news or not . "Eight months . Has it been that long? Funny . Will it take longer before I look with interest at another girl?" Good thing he hadn"t allowed her entirely under his skin . "And that"s a lie . "
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"Urufu, d.a.m.n you! You"re less than you can be without her . Don"t you understand what you"re losing?"

There it was again, the whiny voice . One should not sound that way if one wanted to be strong . "Loss . It"s important not to become that vulnerable . No one wants to feel loss . That"s why one needs to keep a distance . " So why was he crying right now? He had kept that distance .

"Look at yourself! You"re pathetic! You"ve loved her since the day you saw her . Just admit it! Why the h.e.l.l couldn"t you admit it to her?"

And Yukio just kept on yapping . Feelings, always feelings . The kid overflowed with them . Love? That was the only thing Ulf couldn"t afford . And those tears shouldn"t be there . "I shouldn"t feel this way . I shouldn"t feel this infinite loss . "

"Urufu! Man! Look at you!"

Ulf wiped a handful of tears from his face . Then he turned his face upwards and roared .

Fear from May until today, love from June until today, the safe feeling of being two from August until today, the memory of bodies intertwined from December until today, a Christmas shared but no New Year"s Eve .

Christina, whom he loved beyond reason .

It all came out in an endless scream of guilt and shame and pain .

It was after midnight, February fifteenth .

It was broken .