Transition And Restart

They sat in her room . Christina"s futon lay rolled up against a wall and Ulf used it as a backrest . His seat was the tatami mats, and she sat between his legs with him as her backrest .

Her hair smelled fantastic even in the sweltering August heat, and he could stay here forever feeling her fingers caressing the backside of his hands as he hugged her . Ulf revelled in the luxurious ma.s.s of golden hair draping his fingers whenever she moved her head .

The talk, however, had taken a turn for the worse .

"I have family . It"s problematic . " He hugged her closer .

"How so? And you never told me . "

They were sharing memories again . In Swedish, but no longer distant memories from Sweden .

Advertis.e.m.e.nt"Well, my daughter . . . "

"Daughter!" Christina turned and pushed herself away from him . Stunned rage played in her face . "You got a kid here?"

Ulf blushed . "N, no, it"s n, not that way . . . " he stuttered . "I"m an idiot!" "She"s my guardian . "

"She?"

"Careful now Ulf . Tread lightly or she"ll never forgive you . " "I was a.s.signed a legal guardian as part of my background story in this world . "

Christina"s jealousy abated . A little . Very little .

"You never told me . "

"You never asked . " "And that was a supremely stupid thing to say . "

Once again Christina looked like she was going to explode . A moment later he received a hard slap .

"I deserved that . "

It took him the better part of half an hour to calm her down, and he had to run after her into the streets before she agreed to listen to him . By the end of it it was all out in the open .

"How old is she?"

They stood beneath a scattering of trees hugging one corner of a playground . Ulf"s clothes were soaked with sweat . No cosy cuddling on her floor any more .

"Thirty . Works as a beat cop, or however the system works here in j.a.pan . Uniformed anyway . "

"Your legal guardian is a police officer, and she"s your daughter?"

"She"s thirty," Ulf said glumly . He knew it didn"t really make sense .

He had sweated all through his casuals and now he was drenched from the inside out . Hugging was out of the question, and even though he had a hard time letting go of Christina, the heat outside proved that her asthmatic air conditioner made some difference . Hugging her he"d soak her clothes as well .

"But why?" she asked, and Ulf could see that Christina was fishing for a reason .

Ulf waited for a gust of breeze that never came before answering . "Amaya, my guardian… She kind of resembles . . . " "How do you manage to stay fresh in this heat?"

"Oh, oh . Sorry . I didn"t know you had kids that early . "

"I didn"t . Ten years ago, well, eleven now . " Ulf went silent for a moment . It was still hard to talk about, but Christina had demanded to know . "She was eight . "

Maybe it was some kind of female instinct . Maybe they had just grown close enough for her to understand, but she flinched and reached for his lips with her fingers . "No! Don"t say anything!"

"If she had grown up . I"ve always wondered what she would look like . And, and, with black hair instead of blond, just maybe . . . " "s.h.i.t, I shouldn"t have said anything! I got angry and now I hurt you . "

"Ulf, please! Don"t say anything, please!"

"I"m a moron . Christina, please forgive me!"

And so he stayed silent, but they both knew, and a small wedge crept between them . Somehow the loss of a child is worse for those who never had one, and this loss was something they couldn"t share .