Since Andrew and I first started seeing each other. Almost a month since we took our relationship all the way, clear over the top, dropping me eye-deep into a bottomless pit of obsession.
That"s pretty much how it feels.
Like I"m in so deep I"ll never climb out, not that I want to. So okay. I"m obsessed.
Whether or not G.o.d will forgive me remains to be seen. But I have absolutely no clue how I could un-obsess myself if Andrew ever decided he didn"t want me in his life.
So far, though, Andrew seems every bit as obsessed with me as I am with him.
We have learned a lot about each other.
How to touch. Where to kiss. When to let go.
Before this month, I didn"t really believe I was his first. But I was. Am. I have taught him as much as he has taught me, all through mutual experimentation. Mad s.e.x scientists, that"s us. There have been clumsy moments, yes. But they are rare. Few.
The worst was when it suddenly came to us that, swept downstream by a flood of desire, we hadn"t used protection the first time.
But either I"m sterile or the timing was right, because three days later I started my period.
We"ve been careful ever since. I wish I could go on the pill, but I know for certain if I showed my face at Planned Parenthood, word would get back to my parents. A trip to the pharmacy would yield the same result.
Meaning birth control-condoms, not the best, but better than nothing-is up to Andrew.
With or Without Condoms (Because after all, we don"t have to have s.e.x every time we see each other, do we?) I"m hoping to see Andrew today. Sat.u.r.day, so no school, and I"m done with my ch.o.r.es.
I"ve just got to come up with the right little white lie. Or big black lie. Whatever.
Mama seems kind of suspicious lately.
I think what they say about being in love is true-some inner glow becomes obvious to everyone around you, even those you most want to keep solidly in the dark.
"So, Mama. Shania and I are doing an English project on The Lord of the Rings. She invited me over to work on it. Would that be okay?" Shania is, like, my only friend. I"ve known her since she moved here in second grade and her family joined Papa"s church.
Once in a while we do stuff together, and the English project is for real.
If I really go over there before meeting Andrew, it will be a big white lie.
Mom is busy paying bills. She barely glances my way. That"s good, because when she says, Um. Guess so, I can actually feel the love flicker ignite.
I hurry out the door before she changes her mind. The day is warm and scented with spring blooms. Shania is watering the yard when I get there. "Hey, girl."
A fair amount of surprise fills her eyes.
Eden. What are you doing here?
"Mama let me escape for a while. Just thought I"d drop by and say hi. Why?"
She shakes her head. It"s just that ...
well, lately ... I haven"t seen you much.
Guilt nibbles. "I know. I"m sorry. I guess I"ve been kind of distracted." By Andrew.
Can"t Tell Her That Part
Or can I? Should I? It would feel good to confess something this special.
Shania saves me the trouble. By your boyfriend? Does she know? Or is she guessing? "I suppose you could call him that." I"m not telling everything.
Really? A big grin crinkles her eyes.
So okay, she"s guessing. Good thing.
But now that the cat has halfway escaped from the bag, she wants to know all.
Come inside and tell me more.
Who is he? Is he cute? How old is he? Does he go to our school?
She grills me all the way through the front door. "Hang on a sec.
I"ll tell you all about him. ..."
Well, not all. "But first, I need to make a call. Can I use your phone?"
An Hour Later I say good-bye to Shania, who is slightly wiser about Andrew.
I didn"t tell her he happens to be the very cute guy who sits in the back at church most Sundays, or that he is picking me up just down the block in a few minutes.
As I start walking, I can, in fact, see the Tundra, patiently lurking curbside.
The obsession thing quickens my pace, but behind me I hear Shania"s Bye.
I turn to wave, and see curiosity has drawn her all the way to the sidewalk.
But Andrew is parked facing away from her. I hurry on past the Tundra, motion discreetly for him to follow me around the corner. Out of Shania"s sight, I fling open the door, slide across the seat, and kiss Andrew like I haven"t seen him in days.
Mostly because I haven"t. Every filament of me shimmers. "We have got to stop meeting like this, you know." Then I add, "Almost forgot. I love you."
He rewards me with that beautiful smile. And I love you. Where to?
I shrug. "Anywhere. But not too far.
I should probably be home by four."
Gotcha. He starts the Tundra, and as he pulls away from the curb, a little white car slows its approach.
I can"t help but notice the driver- Shania"s sister, Caitlyn. And she most definitely notices me. Her expression is an interesting mixture-one part curiosity, one part disbelief, one part ... jealousy? Is this trouble? I know I should probably have Andrew turn straight around, drop me off near the house.
But he"s so close. And he smells so good.
I need to be with him more than anything.
And if this is trouble, it already is.
A Quarter to Four Andrew drops me off around the corner from home. It has been an amazing afternoon, filled with love and making love.
He kisses me. See you soon. Very soon.
Ten to four, I walk in the door. Mama and Papa are sitting there, waiting for me.
Nine to four, I know I"m most definitely in trouble. Likely the major kind. "Hi?"
Mama pounces first. Where have you been? And who have you been with?
Then she a.s.sesses my semi-disheveled state. And what have you been doing?
Guilt flushes my face, burns my ears.
But I"m going to play stupid anyway.
"I told you before I left I was going to Shania"s." Stop there. See what happens.
Papa shadows Mama as she stands, takes a step in my direction, fists clenching.
You know very well what I"m talking about. You were with that McCarran boy.
Five to Four My life is over. At least the slender wedge of it that holds happiness.
Denial is ridiculous. Still, the words pop out of my mouth, "Says who?"
I already know the answer. It is Papa who gives it. Caitlyn Curry. Your mother called to ask you to pick up some b.u.t.ter on your way home. Caitlyn said you had already left. And that she saw you in a truck with the young man. Now I want to know why you were with him. And why you lied. His face is redder than mine.
Deception impossible, defiance flares. "I was with Andrew because I"m in love with him. And why I lied should be pretty d.a.m.n obvious."
At the very intentional curse word, Mama gasps. Papa pushes her behind him, advances. You apologize to your mother this instant, you little trollop.
Trollop? Who uses that word for real?
Laughter dribbles from my mouth.
And I stand my ground. "But I"m not sorry, Papa. I"m tired of you and Mama treating me like a little girl. I"m old enough to fall in love. Why won"t you let me?"
Mama"s turn. Her voice drips icicles. I believe you"re confusing love and desire. Do you really think that man is in love with you? What he wants ... Once again, her eyes travel over me, trying to look under my clothes to the sin she intuits beneath them.
He wants your innocence. I will not let you succ.u.mb to temptation. She is past Papa, hands moving toward me.
They fall. I don"t dare try to defend myself. I"ve been here before. Tears sting my eyes. From the pain of her blows.
And from the heartbreak tomorrow holds.
Heartbroken Face bruised, eyes swollen almost shut from crying, no way can I go to church today. Mama would stay, to keep an eye on me, but it happens to be Mother"s Day. All the ladies will turn out in their best dresses, to be celebrated.
Don"t you dare take one step out of this house, Mama warns. If you do, I"ll know, I promise you that.
I"ll take care of Mr. McCarran, too.
As soon as the car is out of sight, I rush to the phone. Thank G.o.d Andrew is still home. Hey. I was just heading out the door. Everything okay?
The whole ugly tale comes gushing out, and I can"t believe I dare to beg, "Hurry and come pick me up. Please!"
It may be a very long time before I get to see him again. I need to see him today.
Right away. Even looking the way I do.
Twenty Minutes Later I am in Andrew"s arms, crying softly against his chest. He lets me whimper for a few minutes, then pushes me gently away and says, Look at me.
Let me see what she did. His hands are kind as they soothe the bruises, trace the contours of my face. But his eyes smolder, hot with anger.
How could anyone do something like that to their child? he demands.
"It doesn"t matter. All that matters is how we can see each other now.
Without you, my life is meaningless.
Without you, I have nothing to live for."
Don"t say that! And don"t mean that.
You have everything to live for. We"ll figure something out. I promise. He tugs me back into his arms. I promise.
I Want to Stay Knotted to Andrew forever, warm and safe, and loved. But he insists I am home before my parents get back from church. Don"t give her a reason to hurt you. Please, Eden.
It"s my fault she did this to you.
I start to argue, but he won"t let me, and he won"t let me stay any longer.
One last quick kiss and he urges, Just go.