A hard slap echoed in the cold night air.Yuan Xuelan barely registered what happened but there was a stinging pain that blossomed on his cheek. He touched it in disbelief. Liu Sumeng had not held back his strength.
"Uh…" Hui Moxiang watched this scene unfold and awkwardly retracted into the shadows, feeling painfully out of place.
Liu Sumeng"s eyes were bright with anger and for the first time, Yuan Xuelan cowered at the sight of them. His heart trembled and his muscles froze from numbness.
But he couldn"t look away, his eyes locked with deep dark irises that swirled with emotions he could not quite understand.
"I-I…" Yuan Xuelan didn"t know what to say. He couldn"t even admit that he was scared. Terrified. And flinched when Liu Sumeng grabbed his shoulders.
"Get a hold of yourself!" The Ivory Sword Saint shouted so loudly that he felt specks of saliva tickle his face.
The Ivory Sword Saint was angry.
Why was he so enraged?
Liu Sumeng was rarely an angry person. There were times he would feel irritated when annoyance would gnaw him into impatience. And there were even times when he would have bouts of hotheadedness, showing people his fist before an issue was resolved.
But he was rarely an angry person.
Still, even the Ivory Sword Saint had his limits.
This Xuelan, this fool, who he had gone through so much trouble for was acting like a mad idiot. Liu Sumeng had slaved to gain this idiot"s trust. And just when he felt secure in Xuelan"s loyalty and just when he thought he had earned the t.i.tle of trustworthy, Yuan Xuelan decided to go and make everything d.a.m.ned confusing.
And this.
The bloodl.u.s.t.
The rage.
The violence.
Just where did all of this come even come from!? Did this mental instability suddenly arise from Liu Sumeng"s doing? And Liu Sumeng was enraged as well, for he felt that he couldn"t understand this boy at all. For some reason, this Xuelan had a death wish when Chen Anyue was still alive! What was he so angry about?
"Why are you upset?" Liu Sumeng inquired. His fingers curled into Yuan Xuelan"s shoulder with enough strength to bruise.
"I-" Yuan Xuelan, still shocked, was trembling and did not have any words to say.
The Ivory Sword Saint was not merciful this time, "Do you wish to die?"
"No!"
"Then explain yourself."
"Uh- I just…want to…protect you…"
Dark eyes narrowed at this trembling teenager, who hung his head in admitted defeat. Protect him? When did he need any protection? And perhaps he should be happy with this admittance when Yuan Xuelan in his previous life would have sooner thrown him to the wolves than offered protection.
But Liu Sumeng was not pleased. He did not ask for Yuan Xuelan to become an unthinking fool that carelessly gambled his life without reason.
And to call a violent temper tantrum protection? Even Liu Sumeng could not admit to that level of blindness and idiocy.
He had no more patience, "Losing control of yourself is not protecting me."
Yuan Xuelan"s head sank even lower, his messy locks hung over his face.
"I do not need to be protected by you."
Yuan Xuelan trembled even more.
A light pang of pity flared in Liu Sumeng"s chest and he loosened his hold. "Do not exchange your life for mine. It would…upset me." His words, inadequate, were still the best he could give.
And a soft sniffle was heard behind the shroud of messy black locks. Liu Sumeng sighed and reached to part Yuan Xuelan"s hair and gently tucked it behind Yuan Xuelan"s ear. Even in the dark, he could tell those eyes were glossy with tears.
In a softer voice, he said, "If you"re upset. I want to know."
And he stepped closer, for a moment worried that Yuan Xuelan would push him away once more. This boy, seventeen-years-old, was taller than him with shoulders as wide. He"d grown a lot, but he would still grow so much more. Liu Sumeng knew that his boyish slenderness would fill out more, his jaw sharpen and features more refined.
But the older Emperor Taixu had eyes that danced with madness and little kindness. Liu Sumeng had long vowed that this Yuan Xuelan would not fall to the same fate. And he would not accept the possibility that madness was merely Yuan Xuelan"s star-born destiny.
No, he would not accept that. Especially not when Xuelan had shown him so much kindness.
Steady arms circled over Yuan Xuelan"s shoulders. Liu Sumeng did not use too much force when he brought Xuelan closer to his chest. Silei clattered on the floor. His back was quivering, a hiccup m.u.f.fled against Liu Sumeng"s neck.
Another sigh, lighter this time, more comforting rather than disappointed, "If you"re upset, tell me what it is. Tell me what"s on your mind."
A sniffle and then a sob. Against the curve of Liu Sumeng"s neck and shoulder, Yuan Xuelan was a child again and cried.
"S-Sumeng," he wailed miserably, "I"m sorry, I don"t want you to hate me. I"m sorry I was stupid."
Liu Sumeng closed his eyes and felt the breadth of Yuan Xuelan"s chest pressed against his. The boy was still slighter than him in build. It would still take him time to build more muscle. He reached up and ma.s.saged Yuan Xuelan"s scalp with his fingers, "Don"t cry. I don"t hate you."
It wasn"t enough to soothe the teenager. Liu Sumeng felt like there was still more left unsaid. So he waited there beneath the dazzling stars and the glowing moon. They still needed to return to Reling in order to catch the Mid-Autumn Festival and make final preparations but those things felt oddly distant. Liu Sumeng was already intent on finding a suitable place to stay for the night while he rubbed comforting circles into Yuan Xuelan"s back.
"Sumeng," Xuelan hiccuped, repeating his name as though a prayer, "please don"t hate me."
Liu Sumeng nodded, and repeated in response, "I don"t hate--"
"I like you."
Liu Sumeng thought he heard wrong.
Yuan Xuelan"s hands raised tentatively but was too shy, too afraid to pull Liu Sumeng into a hug and instead grasped the sides of Liu Sumeng"s robes.
"I-I like you…" Yuan Xuelan sobbed. He didn"t dare life his face up from Liu Sumeng"s shoulder. He didn"t want to face inevitable rejection again. "I like you. So much. I don"t know what to do."
Liu Sumeng let out a small breath. Like a chuckle.
"Oh."
It was inappropriate but he wanted to laugh.
Yuan Xuelan liked him?
That almost sounded laughable.
But for some reason, he wasn"t surprised either. Liu Sumeng"s arms instinctively tightened around the boy.
"My heart…and my head hurt so much," Yuan Xuelan"s voice was broken with hiccups and hoa.r.s.e from crying. "I become so stupid I can"t think. Even if Sumeng makes me feel angry or sad, I just don"t want you to hate me. I want to protect you… I wish you could like me back, I--" his words tumbled out like a rus.h.i.+ng water out of a broken dam.
"I see," Liu Sumeng"s voice tickled the sh.e.l.l of Yuan Xuelan"s ear. "I understand now. Thank you for telling me."
A whimper. And Yuan Xuelan cried some more. Liu Sumeng paid no mind to the wetness on his shoulder. He couldn"t tell if his heart felt lighter or heavier but in the end he pressed a feathered kiss on Yuan Xuelan"s temple before pulling away.
"It"s late," he hummed, brus.h.i.+ng the wet matted strands out of Yuan Xuelan"s face. "Let"s find a place to rest."
Yuan Xuelan meekly nodded and allowed Liu Sumeng to take him by the hand.
Ignoring the moist ground and the bits of gore left behind, they walked as if there was nothing horrific before their eyes.
Liu Sumeng found an abandoned residence where the main entrance was left ajar. He muttered a prayer for intruding but he decided that the occasion could allow them some leeway in misconduct.
He found a room, largely undisturbed, with sheets all folded neatly on he bed and no trinkets left messily on the desk. Whoever lived here before was not too wealthy and stuck with simple decorations but they had obviously lived comfortably.
"Wait here," Liu Sumeng had Yuan Xuelan sit on a stool as he turned toward the exit. But a tug on his sleeve held him back.
"N-No. Please don"t leave me."
"I"m just going to fetch some water."
"I"ll come with you…"
"..." And this overgrown child of his followed him all the way to the well, where Liu Sumeng went to fetch a pail of water before returning to the room. Yuan Xuelan was looking at him with bleary eyes, exhausted and shoulders slouched in defeat.
Liu Sumeng wished he stopped looking so sad.
They took off their dirtied stolen robes and cleaned themselves of filth. Yuan Xuelan was purposely avoiding eye contact and Liu Sumeng did not pry any further.
The confession still hung heavily in Liu Sumeng"s mind and he wasn"t sure yet what to do with it. Rejection felt like the logical thing, the same way he rejected poor Anyue and made clear how their future was never meant to be.
This was no different.
He was convinced that this was no different.
After all, how many years did Liu Sumeng in his past life spend at Yuan Xuelan"s side? How many years did he shoulder his insanity without any improvement in Xuelan"s temperament or mood?
He had scolded that insane emperor too and in return…
In return, he was scorned.
It was hard to imagine that it would turn out differently in this lifetime. He wanted what was best for Yuan Xuelan, but Liu Sumeng was simply not that. He was defective, awkward, could not understand others feelings well nor could he even get his own across. He didn"t know how to shoulder other"s hurt, didn"t know which words were clear and which were not.
Water dribbled from his cloth to the bucket, where it became murky with filth. The air felt a bit chilled in only his inner robes() and Liu Sumeng was lost in his thoughts. Only then he noticed that Xuelan was looking at him.
"You must think I"m disgusting."
Liu Sumeng had no idea what was going through the younger"s mind, "I don"t."
"You must think I"m a fool."
"Only sometimes."
"..."
Outside, the moon watched over them. In the room, there was only a small candlelight that bounced off Yuan Xuelan"s features. Liu Sumeng couldn"t look away.
"You must hate that I like you."
Did he? Liu Sumeng"s heart ached and clawed at his chest. He didn"t hate it at all.
"No, I don"t. I don"t hate it."