"I"m not that innocent, and my grief over losing Rick wasn"t the only reason I took off for Emerald Cove. I ran because of you, Alison. I ran because you were free and he was gone and I wanted a h.e.l.l of a lot more than I should have."
The bluntness of the statement jolted her all the way down to her toes. She scrambled for something to say, but her brain refused to rally. She stared at him, hating that he"d tortured himself with this for so many years.
"What kind of man does that make me?" he asked. "What kind of man steps in where his best friend left off?"
"An honest one. A man who trusts his heart. G.o.d, Drew, I don"t think either of us has been very honest about what"s been happening between us so far."
"Or maybe that just makes me a son of a b.i.t.c.h."
"It doesn"t. Your best friend is gone, Drew. My husband is gone. We loved him. We will always love him. But if his death has taught me anything, it is that life goes on."
"Does it, Alison? Does it really?"
"Ask yourself that question the next time you"re with Kevin," she said, trying desperately to shove back a surge of emotion. "He"s so full of life and hope-" Her voice broke, forcing her to pause. "I"ve spent the last four years doing that. And, yes, that child has taught me that life does, indeed, go on." She took a shuddery breath. "What"s been happening between you and I... Drew, it"s real and honest and good. Rick wouldn"t begrudge either of us any of those things. He loved us, too. So for G.o.d"s sake, stop blaming yourself for something you played no role in."
Closing his eyes, Drew lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, as if struggling against a barrage of emotions that was too much for him to handle.
Alison could only imagine how difficult this was for him. She knew him well enough to know he would just as soon cut off his own arm than share something as private as his emotions. She could practically feel the pain coming off him. She wished she could absorb it and somehow take on some of his pain herself, but knew she couldn"t. He had to do that himself. Maybe it would take him one step closer to healing, one step closer to putting this behind him once and for all.
"You"ve been holding this inside you for a long time," she said quietly.
Raising his head, he looked at her, his jaws clamped tight with tension. "There are some things that just don"t go away."
"They don"t go away if you hold them inside."
"I feel responsible for what happened," he said. "I feel guilty as h.e.l.l because Rick"s dead and I"m here with you."
She shied away from the last statement, thinking she would broach it later, when she felt steadier. "Have you tried counseling?"
A half smile tugged at one side of his mouth. "You mean other than a bartender?"
She smiled. "Kimberly"s a registered nurse. She"ll know someone. I can get a name and number-"
"Let me think about it, okay?"
Because he"d ventured this far, she didn"t want to push him and nodded. "Okay. Just let me know. All right?"
"Yeah." His gaze sought hers, and he looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. "I thought you blamed me. Even when you denied it, I didn"t believe you. I always figured that deep down inside you hated me."
"Never."
"It means a lot to hear you say that."
"It"s the truth."
The distant rumble of thunder punctuated her words. The wind had picked up at some point and Alison could hear the palm fronds sc.r.a.ping rhythmically against the front window. Lightning flashed in her peripheral vision, but she didn"t move.
"There"s a storm coming," she said, surprised when her voice sounded breathless.
"A bad one."
Alison stared at Drew, suddenly aware that they were standing dangerously close. Her heart was pounding hard and fast and she could feel the pulse of it throughout her body. It was as if her every sense had been heightened to a fever pitch. She was aware of the scent of his aftershave surrounding her. She felt the heat of his gaze like the sun on her skin, burning her. Vaguely she was aware of the sound of rain against the roof.
"Come here," he said.
He didn"t wait for her to move and traversed the short span between them with a single step. A kaleidoscope of emotions played over his face, making him look dangerous and vulnerable at once. His eyes darkened. His mouth softened, but he didn"t smile. She wasn"t sure who reached for whom, but the next thing she knew they were body to body. And the very air around them seemed to vibrate with electricity.
She started at a sudden clap of thunder. A shiver barreled through her when she felt his hands at her back, caressing her with small, gentle circles. His cheek was pressed warmly against hers. The chafe of his whiskers felt indescribably good. She was keenly aware of the hard ridge of his arousal against her belly. The warmth of his breath against her ear.
A quiver ran the length of his body when she leaned into him and put her arms around his neck. Tension coiled in the rock-hard muscles of his shoulders. Pulling away slightly, he cupped her face and kissed her. Tender kisses at first. When that was no longer enough, he took more, crushing his mouth against hers, dipping with his tongue to taste her.
Need coursed through her body like a fast-acting drug rushing through her veins. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s grew heavy and full and began to ache. She felt the tug of need deep in her womb. Heat spread through her as if she"d been doused with gasoline and set afire. But it was a sweet pain that burned her flesh and she reveled in it.
Drew kissed her long and hard and until her blood ran hot. Breaking the kiss, he lifted his T-shirt over his head and tossed it aside. Until this moment, Alison had never felt free to truly touch him. To explore or marvel at the stark male beauty of his body. But she did so now, running her hands over his chest where the muscle beneath her palms jumped with tension. She brushed her fingertips over the hardened nubs of his nipples, and he groaned low in his throat.
She struggled to unfasten the fly of his jeans. She could feel the length of him straining against the denim, and the need to touch him there was every bit as urgent as the need to take her next breath.
"Not here," he whispered. "The bedroom. I want all of you this time. No holds barred."
The words both thrilled and unnerved her. Desire and the inherent need to protect her heart from danger pulled her in different directions. Needing a moment to regroup, she eased away from him and started toward the hall. Her head spun as she entered Kevin"s room. But the sight of him made her smile. She covered him. "Good night, sweetheart," she whispered and kissed his cheek.
Drew met her in the hall. "He asleep?"
"He didn"t even stir when I covered him."
The next thing she knew she was being swept into his arms. She started to protest, but his mouth came down on hers and stole her breath. Alison kissed him back, vaguely aware that he was carrying her toward her bedroom. Antic.i.p.ation and nerves and a sudden wrenching uncertainty clashed inside her. Drew entered the room, closed the door behind them and laid her gently on the bed.
"You"re shaking," he said.
"So are you."
He hadn"t turned on the light, but she could make out enough of his face from the lightning flashing outside the window to see the tension in his expression.
"You sure about this?" he asked. "I mean, if you"re not-"
"I am." She was, she realized. She wanted to be with him in every way a woman could be with a man. She wanted to touch him. To be touched. Physically. Emotionally.
There had been no one in the four years Rick had been gone. Alison had accepted the reality that there would never be another man in her life. She hadn"t counted on Drew Evans entering the picture and turning her world upside down.
She kept a candle on the night table next to the bed. It touched her when he knelt and fumbled around in the semidarkness to light it. With the candlelight flickering, and the scent of vanilla rising, he stood and looked down at her. He was incredibly attractive and startlingly male. The sight of him made her pulse skitter madly with antic.i.p.ation and the heady zing of nerves.
Yellow light flickered over his body as he unfastened his jeans and stepped out of them. Her heart rapped hard against her ribs as he moved toward her, and she started shaking all over again.
Lightning flashed beyond the windows, illuminating the flex of his muscles as he crawled into bed. Alison was still fully clothed, but when his body touched hers, she suddenly wanted nothing separating them. As if reading her mind, Drew reached for the hem of her T-shirt and drew it over her head. She jolted when he reached around behind her and unclasped her bra.
Using his arms for support on either side of her, he leaned down and kissed her softly. Her body went liquid when he pressed his full length against her. Never taking his mouth from hers, he propped on an elbow and reached for her. An involuntary sound escaped her when he cupped her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He trapped her sensitized nipples between his thumbs and forefingers and the pleasure that followed was almost too much to bear.
Alison arched and whispered his name and felt her control begin to slip away. Need like she"d never before known coiled inside her, a short fuse about to explode. She felt feverish, as if she were burning up inside and the only thing that would douse the heat was his touch. He kissed her hungrily and her body began to ache. A sweet, uncomfortable ache that pounded through her with every beat of her heart.
He reached for the waistband of her shorts. She lifted her hips and he eased the shorts and panties down her legs. She could feel herself trembling, as if a low-voltage shock were going through her body. "Easy," he said and whispered her name.
The high-wire tension built inside her until she felt as if she couldn"t bear it. He touched her gently, running his hands over her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, her stomach, her hips. But it wasn"t enough. "Please," she whispered.
Breaking the kiss, he ran his tongue along her throat to her collarbone and kissed her there. She could feel his palms flat against her belly. Her pulse jumped when his fingers brushed against the curls at her V. Alison opened to him. She cried out his name when he slipped two fingers inside her.
"Oh, Drew." Her body arched involuntarily when he began to stroke her. She"d never considered herself a s.e.xual being. Alison had always defined herself as a mother and wife. But for the first time in her life she was totally out of control. A slave to the sensations streaking through her.
The contractions began deep within her womb. She rode the waves, let them carry her, and she was awed and amazed by the power of them. All the while, Drew stroked her, never giving her a respite, never giving her a chance to catch her breath. Her release came with the same vengeance as the storm breaking outside. With the same force of the wind and rain lashing the windows. She heard his name on her lips, her name being whispered in her ear, of his long, thick fingers stroking and teasing and driving her to slow insanity.
A mewling sound broke from her lips when he took a taut nipple into his mouth. He suckled her hard, laving the engorged tip with his tongue. She could feel the waves building again, but it wasn"t enough, and they didn"t crest. She writhed beneath him when he trailed kisses down to her navel. Her body went rigid when his mouth reached the crisp curls at her mound. Alison wasn"t a prude, but her first instinct was to stop him. But by the time the command reached her brain, he had opened her with his fingers and set his mouth against her most private part.
The pleasure blinded her. She heard herself cry out his name. Undulating waves washed over her. She felt the contractions beginning again. Too powerful. Too deep. Too fast. She felt as if she"d tumbled into a freefall. All the while he stroked her with the wet heat of his tongue. Long, deep strokes that jumbled her mind and drove her to the razor"s edge of pleasure.
The o.r.g.a.s.m crashed over her like a tidal wave obliterating everything in its path. Alison cried out his name again and again. She felt him shift slightly away, but she couldn"t bear not having him close. She reached for him. His arms went around her, and he held her tightly.
"I need you inside me," she whispered. "Now."
He trembled as he moved over her. But when he took her face in his hands, his kiss was shatteringly gentle. He kissed her mouth. Her temple. Her chin. "Open to me," he said.
Drinking in his kisses, Alison relaxed. He moved between her knees and entered her with devastating slowness. There was a moment of discomfort as he filled her, and then a hot burst of ecstasy when he began to move within her. He stroked her with long, steady strokes that sent brilliant streaks of pleasure through her body. The power of it wrenched an animal sound from somewhere deep inside her. It was as if her senses had overloaded and were shorting out one by one. Her brain couldn"t process the onslaught of sensation. She tried to focus, but the room dipped and spun as all the blood seemed to leave her head.
Vaguely she was aware of him speaking to her. Kissing her. Stroking her. Filling her. Touching her heart with his. It was too much to comprehend and yet it wasn"t enough. It would never be enough.
"Alison...Alison..."
The rush of blood through her veins drowned out his voice. But it didn"t matter. Alison didn"t need words to know what he was feeling, because she was feeling the same thing. They were one in every sense. She could feel him moving within her, his arms trembling, his body as taut as a wire. She gazed into his eyes, realized they had gone dark with pa.s.sion and were focused on her with an intensity that left her breathless. It struck her that no one had ever looked at her the way Drew was at that moment. As if his entire world revolved around her, and this most intimate of moments they shared.
"Alison..." Jaw clenched tightly, he quickened his tempo, emotion starkly visible on his face. She could feel the pulse of that emotion moving through him and into her. She could feel it in the way he trembled against her. Hear it in the way he spoke her name. In the way tears of joy built behind her eyes.
She began to move with him, opening wide and lifting her hips to meet him, straining to take more of him inside her. She could hear the ragged cadence of her breathing, feel her lungs straining for air. Sweat slicked their bodies, but it wasn"t enough to douse the fire burning between them. Pleasure pounded through her until she thought she would shatter. But he didn"t slow, he didn"t give her a reprieve.
Saying her name over and over, he filled her and stroked her and the pleasure became a starburst in her brain. He was inside her body. Inside her head. Inside her heart. Oh, her heart was shattering.
Overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through her, and the emotions pounding through her, she pressed her face against his shoulder. "I love you," she whispered. "Drew, I love you."
He hesitated, but he didn"t stop. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Alison knew she shouldn"t have said it. She knew they were words he didn"t want to hear. Until this moment she hadn"t even been able to put her feelings for him into words. But she"d spoken from the heart at a moment when she"d been at her most vulnerable. And now she was spiraling out of control.
Completion bore down on her. Alison didn"t want to let go, didn"t want to lay herself open. Even with her senses overloaded and her heart stripped bare, she knew his instant of hesitation meant something. Something profound that she should have foreseen. But her body didn"t care, and Drew didn"t give her the chance to take it back. He took her to the precipice. Alison fought him, knowing deep in her heart that once she went over the edge with him, she would never be able to find her way back.
And then she tumbled into a freefall.
Drew stared into the darkness and listened to the rain pummel the roof. Next to him, Alison slept. Her body was soft and warm against his, her breathing slow and deep. He should have been exhausted considering it was nearly 3:00 a.m. and they"d spent the last three hours engaging in the most mind-blowing s.e.x he"d ever had in his life. But his mind was troubled. The reality of what he"d done weighed heavily on his heart.
I love you.
He couldn"t get her words out of his head. He couldn"t stop thinking about what those words meant in terms of their relationship. He"d believed talking to her about Rick would explain why he was so determined not to get involved with her. Instead, talking about what happened that night had only brought them closer-and made things infinitely worse. He couldn"t go on letting her think there could be something between them.
Not because he didn"t love her. No, he thought darkly. He"d loved Alison for close to six years now. Loved her with his whole heart. His body. His soul. He"d fallen for her the instant he"d set eyes on her. Only he had never been able to admit the truth to himself because Rick had been there first. Drew had respected and cared for Rick and he"d taken a giant step back and sworn to never interfere.
He wouldn"t change his mind now. Even with Rick gone, nothing had changed. Drew might be in love with Alison Myers, but there was no way in h.e.l.l he could ever have a relationship with his deceased best friend"s widow.
The decision should have been a comfort, but it wasn"t.
He thought about Kevin and another wave of pain broadsided him. That little boy was everything a man could want in a son. He was exuberant and smart and sweet. More important, he needed a father. A father who had it together a h.e.l.l of a lot more than Drew did. A father who didn"t run when life got too complicated. A father who didn"t spend so much time thinking about the dead.
Drew didn"t want to hurt Alison. She was a good person with a kind soul. She"d already endured her share of pain. He didn"t want to screw up her future. The last thing she needed was a man like Drew walking into her life and messing things up.
How the h.e.l.l was he going to handle this?
Restless and unsettled, Drew started to get out of bed, but Alison stirred and looked at him. In the dim light coming in from the streetlamp outside the window, he could just make out her features. Large eyes that were cautious even in sleep. A full mouth he had spent half the night kissing.
Even with her hair mussed, he"d never seen a more beautiful woman. They"d made love less than an hour earlier, but he was already hard again. He already wanted her. And when she smiled, something vital shifted inside him.
"Are you okay?" she asked. "You look...troubled."
"Just restless," he said. "I didn"t want to wake you."
She turned to face him and propped her arm under her head and frowned. "Sounds serious."
"It is."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not right now."
"You don"t think I"m going to let you brood like this all night, do you?"
He stared at her, keenly aware that he was now fully aroused. But he was just as aware of how wrong it would be for him to do anything about it.
"We may be lovers now, Drew, but I"m also your friend. You can talk to me."
"I know." He sighed. "I think that"s the problem."
"The fact that we"re friends?"
"Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we really don"t mean."
Uncertainty flashed in her eyes. "I"ve never been good at hiding the way I feel. I"m sorry if that"s not what you want to hear, but it"s the truth. It"s been true for quite some time. I just didn"t realize it."
He stared at her, aware that his heart was pounding. He didn"t know what to say, and that made him feel like a fool. Any normal man would give his right hand to hear a woman like Alison Myers tell him she loved him.
"Alison..." Reaching out, he pushed a lock of hair from her eyes, let his hand linger against her face. She pressed her cheek into his palm and kissed his fingertips. Her skin was incredibly soft. A sharp wave of affection washed over him. More than anything he wanted to lean forward and set his mouth against hers. He wanted to tell her all of the things that were in his heart. He wanted to make love to her again.
"You know I love you," he said.
She smiled and his resolve not to touch her began to melt. "As a friend."