I remained silent from sheer dismay. Things were far worse than I had imagined. I began to lose hope from the moment I heard Miss Darrell had been mixed up in the affair; the thought sickened me. I could hardly bear to hear Max speak; and yet how was I to help him unless he made me acquainted with the real state of the case?
"I suppose I had better tell you all from the beginning," he said, rather dejectedly; "that is, as far as I know myself, for I can hardly tell you when I began to love Gladys. I call her Gladys to myself," with a faint smile, "and it comes naturally to me. I ought to have said Miss Hamilton."
"But not to me, Max," I returned eagerly.
"What does it matter what I call her? She will never take the only name I want to give her!" was the melancholy reply to this. "I only know one thing, Ursula, that for three years--ay, and longer than that--she has been the one woman in the world to me, and that as long as she and I live no other woman shall ever cross the threshold of the vicarage as its mistress."
"Has it gone so deep as that, my poor Max?"
"Yes," he returned briefly. "But we need not enter into that part of the subject; a man had best keep his own counsel in such matters. I want to tell you bare facts, Ursula; we may as well leave feelings alone. If you can help me to understand one or two points that are still misty to my comprehension, you will do me good service."
"I will try my very best for you both."
"Thank you, but we cannot both be helped in the same way; our paths do not lie together. Miss Hamilton has refused to become my wife."
"Oh, Max! not refused, surely." This was another blow,--that he should have tried and failed,--that Gladys with her own lips should have refused him; but perhaps he had written to her, and there was some misunderstanding; but when I hinted this to Max he shook his head.
"We cannot misunderstand a person"s words. Oh yes, I spoke to her, and she answered me; but I must not tell you things in this desultory fashion, or you will never understand. I have told you that I do not know when my attachment to Miss Hamilton commenced. It was gradual and imperceptible at first,--very real, no doubt, but it had not mastered my reason. I always admired her: how could I help it?" with some emotion.
"Even you, who are not her lover, have owned to me that she is a beautiful creature. I suppose her beauty attracted me first, until I saw the sweetness and unselfishness of her nature, and from that moment I lost my heart.
"The full consciousness came to me at the time of their trouble about Eric. I had been fond of the poor fellow, for his own sake as well as hers, but I never disguised his faults from her. I often told her that I feared for Eric"s future; he had no ballast, it wanted a moral earthquake to steady him, and it was no wonder that his caprices and extravagant moods angered his brother. She used to be half offended with me for my plain speaking, but she was too gentle to resent it, and she would beg me to use my influence with Hamilton to entreat him not to be so hard on Eric.
"When the blow came, I was always up at Gladwyn once, sometimes twice, a day. They all wanted me; it was my duty to be their consoler. I am glad to remember now that I was some comfort to her."
"Wait a moment, Max; I must ask you something. Do you believe that Eric was guilty?"
"I am almost sorry that you have put that question," he returned reluctantly. "I never would tell her what I thought. It was all a mystery. Eric might have been tempted; it was not for me to say. She could see I was doubtful. I told her that, whether he were sinned against or sinning, our only thought should be to bring him back and reconcile him to his brother. "G.o.d will prove his innocence if he be blackened falsely," I said to her; and, strange to say, she forgave me my doubts."
"Oh, Max, I see what you think."
"How can I help it," he replied, "knowing Eric"s character so well? he was so weak and impulsive, so easily led astray, and then he was under bad influences. You will have heard Edgar Brown"s name. He was a wild, dissipated fellow, and Hamilton had a right to forbid the acquaintance; both he and I knew that Edgar had low propensities, and was always lounging about public-houses with a set of loafers like himself. He has got worse since then, and has nearly broken his mother"s heart. Do you think any man with a sense of responsibility would permit a youth of Eric"s age to have such a friend? Yet this was a standing grievance with Eric, and I am sorry to say his sister took Edgar"s part. Of course she knew no better: innocence is credulous, and Edgar was a sprightly, good-looking fellow, the sort that women never fail to pet."
"Yes, I see. Eric was certainly to blame in this."
"He was faulty on many more points. I am afraid, Ursula you have been somewhat bia.s.sed by Miss Hamilton. You must remember that she idolised Eric,--that she was blind to many of his faults; she made excuses for him whenever it was possible to do so, but with all her weak partiality she could not deny that he was thriftless, idle, and extravagant, that he defied his brother"s authority, that he even forgot himself so far as to use bad language in his presence. I believe, once, he even struck him; only Hamilton declared he had been drinking, so he merely turned him out of the room."
I looked at Max sadly. "This may be all true; but I cannot believe that he took that cheque."
"The circ.u.mstantial evidence against him is very strong," he replied quietly. "You do not know what power a sudden temptation has over these weak natures: he was hard pressed, remember that; he had gambling debts, thanks to Edgar. Fancy gambling debts at twenty! I have tried to take Miss Hamilton"s view of the case, but I cannot bring myself to believe in his innocence. Most likely he repented the moment he had done it, poor boy. Eric was no hardened sinner. I sometimes fear--at least, the terrible thought has crossed my mind, and I know Hamilton has had it too--that in his despair he might have made away with himself."
"Oh, Max, this is too horrible!" And I shuddered as I thought of the beautiful young face so like Gladys"s, with its bright frank look that seemed to appeal to one"s heart.
"Well, well, we need not speak of it; but it was a sad time for all of us; and yet in some ways it was a happy time to me. It was such a comfort to feel that I was necessary to them all; that they looked for me daily; that they could not do without me. I used to be with Hamilton every evening; and when Gladys was very ill they sent for me, because they said no one knew how to soothe her so well.
"Do you wonder, Ursula, that, seeing her in her weakness and sorrow, she grew daily into my life, that my one thought was how I could help and comfort her?
"She was very gentle and submissive, and followed my advice in everything. When I told her that only work could cure her sore heart, she did not contradict me: in a little while I had to check her feverish activity. She had overwhelmed herself with duties; she managed our mothers" meetings with Miss Darrell"s help, taught in our schools, and helped train the choir. I had allotted her a district, and she worked it admirably. She was my right hand in everything; all the poor people worshipped her."
"Yes, Max," for he paused, as though overwhelmed with some bitter-sweet recollection.
"I loved her more each day, but I respected her sorrow, and tried to hide my feelings from her. It was more than a year after Eric"s disappearance before I ventured to speak, and then it was by Hamilton"s advice that I did so. He had set his heart on the match. He told me more than once that he would rather have me as a brother-in-law than any other man.
"I thought I had prepared her sufficiently, but it seems that she was very much, startled by my proposal. Her trouble had so engrossed her that she had been perfectly blind to my meaning. It was all in vain, Ursula, for she did not love me,--at least not in the right way. She told me so with tears, accusing herself of unkindness. She liked, most certainly she liked me, but perhaps she knew me too well.
"She was so unhappy at the thought of giving me pain, so sweet and gentle in her efforts to console me and heal the wound she had inflicted, that I could not lose hope. She told me that, though she had trusted me entirely as her friend, she had never thought of me as her lover, and the idea was strange to her. This thought gave me courage, and I begged that I might be allowed to speak to her again at some future time.
"She wanted to refuse, and said hurriedly that she never intended to marry. But I took these words as meaning nothing. A girl will tell you this and believe it as she says it. I suppose I pressed her hard to leave me this margin of hope, for after reflecting a few minutes she looked at me gravely and said it should be as I wished. In a year"s time I might speak to her again, and she would know her own mind.
"I pleaded for a shorter ordeal, though secretly I was overjoyed at this crumb of consolation vouchsafed to me. But she was inexorable, though perfectly gentle in her manner.
""I wish you had set your heart on some one else, Mr. Cunliffe,"
she said, with a melancholy smile, "for I can give you so little satisfaction. I feel so confused and weary, as though life afforded me no pleasure. But, indeed, I do all you tell me, and I mean to go on with my work."
"I was glad to hear her say this, for at least I should have the happiness of seeing her every day.
""In a year"s time," she went on, "my heart may feel a little less heavy, and I shall have had opportunity to reflect over your words. I cannot tell you what my answer may be, but if you are wise you will not hope. If you do not come to me then, I shall know that you have changed, and shall not blame you in the least. You are free to choose any one else. I have so little encouragement to give you that I shall not expect you to submit to this ordeal." But I think her firmness was a little shaken, and she looked at me rather timidly when I thanked her very quietly and said that at the time appointed I would speak to her again. I supposed she had not realised the strength of my feelings.
"Ursula, I was by no means hopeless. And as the months pa.s.sed on my hopes grew.
"I saw her daily, and after the first awkwardness had pa.s.sed we were good friends. But her manner changed insensibly. She was less frank with me; at times she was almost shy. I saw her change colour when I looked at her. She was quiet in my presence, and yet my coming pleased her. I thought it would be well with me when the time came for renewing my suit; but it seems that I was a blind fool.
"I had put down the exact date, May 7. It was last year, Ursula. I meant to adhere to the very day and hour; but before February closed my hopes had suffered eclipse.
"All at once Miss Hamilton"s manner became cold and constrained, as you see it now. Her soft shyness, that had been so favourable a sign, disappeared entirely. She avoided me on every occasion. She seemed to fear to be alone with me a moment. Her nervousness was so visible and so distressing that I often left her in anger. A barrier--vague, and yet substantial--seemed built up between us.
"She began to neglect her work, and then to make excuses. She was overdone, and suffered from headache. The school-work tired her. You have heard it all, Ursula: I need not repeat it.
"One by one she dropped her duties. The parish knew her no more. She certainly looked ill. Her melancholy increased. Something was evidently preying on her mind.
"One day Miss Darrell spoke to me. She had been very kind, and had fed my hopes all this time. But now she was the bearer of bad news.
"She came to me in the study, while I was waiting for Hamilton. She looked very pale and discomposed, and asked if she might speak to me. She was very unhappy about me, but she did not think it right to let it go on. Gladys wanted me to know. And then it all came out.
"It could never be as I wished. Miss Hamilton had been trying all this time to like me, and once or twice she thought she had succeeded, but the feeling had never lasted for many days. I was not the right person. This was the substance of Miss Darrell"s explanation.
""You know Gladys," she went on, "how sensitive and affectionate her nature is; how she hates to inflict pain. She is working herself up into a fever at the thought that you will speak to her again.
""It was too terrible last time, Etta," she said to me, bursting into tears. "I cannot endure it again. How am I to tell him about Claude?"
""About Claude!" I almost shouted. Miss Darrell looked frightened at my violence. She shrank back, and turned still paler. I noticed her hands trembled.
""Oh, have you not noticed?" she returned feebly. "Oh, what a cruel task this is! and you are so good,--so good."
""Tell me what you mean!" I replied angrily, for I felt so savage at that moment that a word of sympathy was more than I could bear. You would not have known me at that moment, Ursula. I am not easily roused, as you know, but the blow was too sudden. I must have forgotten myself to have spoken to Miss Darrell in that tone. When I looked at her, her mouth was quivering like a frightened child"s, and there were tears in her eyes.
""I scarcely know that it is you," she faltered. "Are men all like that when their wills are crossed? It is not my fault that you are hurt in this way. And it is not Gladys"s either. She has tried--I am sure she has tried her hardest--to bring herself to accede to your wishes. But a woman cannot always regulate her own heart."
""You have mentioned Captain Hamilton"s name," I returned coldly, for her words seemed only to aggravate and widen the sore. "Perhaps you will kindly explain what he has to do with the matter?"