"Dat"s w"at make I say w"at I duz," said Uncle Remus. "Fokes go "bout in de day-time an" makes a livin", an" you come "long w"en dey er res"in" der bones an" picks it up. I ain"t no han" at figgers, but I lay I k"n count up right yer in de san" en number up how menny days. .h.i.t"ll be "fo" you "er cuppled on ter de chain- gang."
"De ole man"s holler"n now sho"," said one of the listeners, gazing with admiration on the venerable old darkey.
"I ain"t takin" no chances "bout vittles. Hit"s p.r.o.ned inter me fum de fus dat I got ter eat, en I knows dat I got fer ter grub for w"at I gits. Hit"s agin de mor"l law fer n.i.g.g.e.rs fer ter eat w"en dey don"t wuk, an" w"en you see um "pariently fattenin" on a"r, you k"n des bet dat ruinashun"s gwine on some"rs. I got mustard, en poke salid, en lam"s quarter in dat baskit, en me en my ole "oman gwineter sample it. Ef enny you boys git a invite you come, but ef you don"t you better stay "way. I gotter muskit out dar w"at"s used ter persidin" "roun" whar dey"s a cripple n.i.g.g.e.r. Don"t you fergit dat off"n yo" mine."
V. A CONFESSION
"W"AT"S dis yer I see, great big n.i.g.g.e.rs gwine "lopin" "roun"
town wid cakes "n pies fer ter sell?" asked Uncle Remus recently, in his most scornful tone.
"That"s what they are doing," responded a young man; "that"s the way they make a living."
"Dat w"at make I say w"at I duz--dat w"at keep me grum"lin" w"en I goes in cullud fokes s"ciety. Some n.i.g.g.e.rs ain"t gwine ter wuk nohow, an" hit"s flingin" way time fer ter set enny chain-gang traps fer ter ketch um."
"Well, now, here!" exclaimed the young man, in a dramatic tone, "what are you giving us now? Isn"t it just as honest and just as regular to sell pies as it is to do any other kind of work?"
""Tain"t dat, boss:" said the old man, seeing that he was about to be cornered; "tain"t dat. Hit"s de nas"ness un it w"at gits me."
"Oh, get out!"
"Dat"s me, boss, up an" down. Ef dere"s ruinashun ennywhar in de known wurril, she goes in de comp"ny uv a hongry n.i.g.g.e.r w"at"s a totin" pies "roun." Sometimes w"en I git kotch wid emptiness in de pit er de stummuck, an" git ter fairly honin" arter sumpin"
w"at got substance in it, den hit look like unto me dat I kin stan" flat-footed an" make more cle"r money eatin" pies dan I could if I wuz ter sell de las" one "twixt dis an" Chris"mus. An"
de n.i.g.g.e.r w"at k"n trapes "round wid pies and not git in no alley-way an" sample um, den I"m bleedzd ter say dat n.i.g.g.e.r out- n.i.g.g.e.rs me an" my fambly. So dar now!"
VI. UNCLE REMUS WITH THE TOOTHACHE
WHEN Uncle Remus put in an appearance one morning recently, his friends knew he had been in trouble. He had a red cotton handkerchief tied under his chin, and the genial humor that usually makes his aged face its dwelling-place had given way to an expression of grim melancholy. The young men about the office were inclined to chaff him, but his look of sullen resignation remained unchanged.
"What revival did you attend last night?" inquired one.
"What was the color of the mule that did the hammering?" asked another.
"I always told the old man that a suburban chicken coop would fall on him," remarked some one.
"A strange pig has been squealing in his ear," suggested some one else.
But Uncle Remus remained impa.s.sive. He seemed to have lost all interest in what was going on around him, and he sighed heavily as he seated himself on the edge of the trash-box in front of the office. Finally some one asked, in a sympathetic tone:
"What is the matter, old man? You look like you"d been through the mill."
"Now you "er knockin". I ain"t bin thoo de mill sence day "fo"
yistiddy, den dey ain"t no mills in de lan". Ef wunner deze yer scurshun trains had runned over me I couldn"t er bin wuss off. I bin trompin" "roun" in de lowgroun"s now gwine on seventy-fi"
year, but I ain"t see no sich times ez dat w"at I done spe"unst now. Boss, is enny er you all ever rastled wid de toofache?"
"Oh, hundreds of times! The toothache isn"t anything."
"Den you des played "roun" de aidges. You ain"t had de kine w"at kotch me on de underjaw. You mout a had a gum-bile, but you ain"t bin boddered wid de toofache. I wuz settin" up talkin" wid my ole "oman, kinder puzzlin" "roun" fer ter see whar de nex"
meal"s vittles wuz a gwineter c.u.m fum, an" I feel a little ache sorter crawlin" "long on my jaw-bone, kinder feelin" his way. But de ache don"t stay long. He sorter hankered "roun" like, en den crope back whar he come fum. Bimeby I feel "im comin" agin, an"
dis time hit look like he come up closer--kinder sk.u.mmishin"
"roun" fer ter see how de lan" lay. Den he went off. Present"y I feel "im comin", an" dis time hit look like he kyar"d de news unto Mary, fer hit feel like der wuz anudder wun wid "im. Dey crep" up an" crep" "roun", an, den dey crope off. Bimeby dey come back, an" dis time dey come like dey wuzzent "fear"d er de s"roundin"s, fer dey trot right up unto de toof, sorter "zamine it like, an" den trot all roun" it, like deze yer circuous hosses. I sot dar mighty ca"m, but I "spected dat sump"n" wuz gwine ter happ"n."
"And it happened, did it?" asked some one in the group surrounding the old man.
"Boss, don"t you fergit it," responded Uncle Remus, fervidly.
"W"en dem aches gallop back dey galloped fer ter stay, an" dey wuz so mixed up dat I couldn"t tell one fum de udder. All night long dey racked an" dey galloped, an" w"en dey got tired er rackin" an" gallopin", dey all close in on de ole toof an"
thumped it an" gouged at it twel it "peared unto me dat dey had got de jaw-bone loosened up, an" wuz tryin" fer ter fetch it up thoo de top er my head an" out at der back er my neck. An" dey got wuss nex" day. Mars John, he seed I wuz "stracted, an" he tole me fer ter go roun" yere an" git sump"n" put on it, an" de drug man he "lowed dat I better have "er draw"d, an" his wuds wuzzent more"n col" "fo" wunner deze yer watchyoumaycollums-- wunner deze dentis" mens--had retched fer it wid a pa"r er tongs w"at don"t tu"n loose w"en dey ketches a holt. Leas"ways dey didn"t wid me. You oughter seed dat toof, boss. Hit wuz wunner deze yer fo"-p.r.o.ng fellers. Ef she"d a grow"d wrong eend out"ard, I"d a bin a bad n.i.g.g.e.r long arter I jin"d de chu"ch. You year"d my ho"n!"
VII. THE PHONOGRAPH
"UNC REMUS," asked a tall, awkward-looking negro, who was one of a crowd surrounding the old man, "w"at"s dish "ere w"at dey calls de fonygraf--dish yer inst"ument w"at kin holler "roun" like little chillun in de back yard?"
"I ain"t seed um," said Uncle Remus, feeling in his pocket for a fresh chew of tobacco. "I ain"t seed um, but I year talk un um.
Miss Sally wuz a readin" in de papers las" Chuseday, an" she say dat"s it"s a mighty big watchyoumaycollum."
"A mighty big w"ich?" asked one of the crowd.
"A mighty big w"atsizname," answered Uncle Remus, cautiously. "I wuzzent up dar close to whar Miss Sarah wuz a readin", but I kinder geddered in dat it wuz one er deze "ere w"atzisnames w"at you hollers inter one year an it comes out er de udder. Hit"s mighty funny unter me how dese fokes kin go an" prognosticate der eckoes inter one er deze yer i"on boxes, an" dar hit"ll stay on twel de man comes long an" tu"ns de handle an" let"s de fuss come pilin" out. Bimeby dey"ll git ter makin" sho" nuff fokes, an" den dere"ll be a racket "roun" here. Dey tells me dat it goes off like one er deze yer torpedoes."
"You year dat, don"t you?" said one or two of the younger negroes.
"Dat"s w"at dey tells me," continued Uncle Remus. "Dat"s w"at dey sez. Hit"s one er deze yer kinder w"atzisnames w"at sa.s.ses back w"en you hollers at it."
"W"at dey fix um fer, den?" asked one of the practical negroes.
"Dat"s w"at I wanter know," said Uncle Remus, contemplatively.
"But dat"s w"at Miss Sally wuz a readin" in de paper. All you gotter do is ter holler at de box, an" dar"s yo" remarks. Dey goes in, an" dar dey er tooken and dar dey hangs on twel you shakes de box, an" den dey draps out des ez fresh ez deze yer fishes w"at you git fum Savannah, an" you ain"t got time fer ter look at dere gills, nudder."
VIII. RACE IMPROVEMENT
"Dere"s a kind er limberness "bout n.i.g.g.e.rs dese days dat"s mighty cu"us," remarked Uncle Remus yesterday, as he deposited a pitcher of fresh water upon the exchange table. "I notisses it in de alley-ways an on de street-cornders. Dey er rackin" up, mon, deze yer cullud fokes is."
"What are you trying to give us now?" inquired one of the young men, in a bilious tone.
"The old man"s mind is wandering," said the society editor, smoothing the wrinkles out of his lavender kids.
Uncle Remus laughed. I speck I is a gittin" mo frailer dan I wuz "fo" de fahmin days wuz over, but I sees wid my eyes an" I years wid my year, same ez enny er dese yer young bucks w"at goes a gallopin" roun" huntin" up devilment, an" w"en I sees de limberness er dese yer cullud people, an" w"en I sees how dey er dancin" up, den I gits sorter hopeful. Dey er kinder ketchin" up wid me."
"How is that?"
"Oh, dey er movin"," responded Uncle Remus. "Dey er sorter comin"
"roun". Dey er gittin" so dey bleeve dat dey ain"t no better dan de w"ite fokes. W"en freedom come out de n.i.g.g.e.rs sorter got dere humps up, an" dey staid dat way, twel bimeby dey begun fer ter git hongry, an" den dey begun fer ter drap inter line right smartually; an" now," continued the old man, emphatically, "dey er des ez palaverous ez dey wuz befo" de war. Dey er gittin" on solid groun", mon."
"You think they are improving, then?"